The Journal of Ann Branson

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Table of Contents

Historical Note

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI

Chapter VII

Chapter VIII

Chapter IX

Chapter X

Chapter XI

Chapter XII

Chapter XIII

Historical Note

By the 1800’s, the Society of Friends had greatly degenerated from its original purity and power. The great majority of its members had been born into the Society (inheriting their membership from their parents), but had little first-hand experience of the heart-cleansing light, life, and power of Jesus Christ. At this time, there was still a remnant of living and weighty members and ministers, but “the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things” had opened up many inroads for the ravishes of the evil one, whose schemes were carefully calculated for the tearing down of what remained.

As early as 1819, a man by the name of Elias Hicks began to spread new and unsound doctrines throughout the Society in America. Though he spoke much of an “inner light,” and alleged his teachings to be in agreement with early Quaker principles, they were in fact very much at odds with the long-established beliefs of the Society (and Christianity in general), and so were rejected and disavowed by the prudent and faithful. His eloquent sermons exalted a sort of spiritual religion, speaking much of love for neighbors, abolition of slavery, and other right-sounding concepts, but he led his followers into a disregard for the Scriptures, and a total denial of several fundamentals of Christianity—such as the incarnation, virgin birth, and divinity of Christ, the atonement by the cross, the existence of Satan, etc. He taught that Jesus Christ was nothing more than a good man who, having followed the light of God, was endowed with divinity, often saying things like, “The same power that made Christ a Christian must make us Christians; and the same power that saved him must save us.” Eventually, Hicks and his followers caused the first of two great divisions in the Society of Friends, disassociating from “orthodox” Quakers, and initiating their own separatist society of “Hicksite” Quakers in 1827.

Perhaps in an attempt to distance themselves from these errors, and to avoid the false light preached by the Hicksites, Quakers in England soon began to pull away from some of the original principles and practices of early Friends, especially those having to do with entire dependence upon the immediate influence of God’s Spirit for true worship, ministry, and spiritual understanding. Greatly influenced by the preaching and writings of Joseph John Gurney, many who had not been seduced by Hicksism began to conform more and more to a traditional and formal Protestant Christianity that did not rightly emphasize the revelation and formation of Christ within. These so-called “Gurneyites” progressively departed from many of the precious truths that God had restored to His church at the bright commencement of the Society of Friends. Sadly, by the end of the 1800’s, the Society was small and degenerate, and the Christianity of the two largest camps (Hicksites and Gurneyites) bore little resemblance to the blessed Truth as professed and upheld by their worthy predecessors.

This brief historical introduction was thought warranted because the following journal makes frequent mention of these two groups and their leaders, without offering much context or explanation.

Jason R. Henderson

June, 2017

Chapter I

- Her Birth and Childhood

- Some Account of Her Parents and Other Members of the Family

- Apostasy of Elisha Bates, and Her Exercise Concerning It

- Thomas Shillitoe’s Testimony Concerning Joseph John Gurney’s Doctrines

- The Philadelphia Appeal

- Events of Her Early Womanhood

- Her Disobedience, and Repentance, and Forgiveness Therefor

- Her Bed of Sickness, and First Sermon

- Her Subsequent Recovery

I have long believed it would be required of me to leave in writing some account of the Lord’s gracious dealings with me from early years, in connection with some other accounts bearing thereupon. And now in the fifty-sixth year of my age, I have made the commencement, having nothing in view that I know of but to be found in the way of my duty.

I was born the twenty-second of the Twelfth Month, 1808. My parents, Jacob and Rebecca Branson, removed from Virginia in 1805, and settled at Flushing, in Belmont Co., Ohio, which was the place of my birth. They had nine children—four sons and five daughters. I was the fifth daughter and the sixth child. I was naturally of a hasty, fretful temper, which was perhaps increased by an erysipelas humor, particularly in my face and arms, to which I was subject from my infancy. It often occasioned me much suffering, and as I grew in years was no small mortification to my pride, which I esteem not the least of the favors bestowed upon me; and can remember sometimes wishing that I had never been born.

Being given to fretfulness, I often became the subject of animadversion by the other children, who thus added to my affliction by upbraiding me with my fiery, hasty temper. Children of the same family are often very differently constituted, as respects their natural tempers as well as their bodily health, and require judicious treatment for their present and future comfort and welfare, as they advance in life. My father was a minister, and my mother an elder, of the religious Society of Friends; and they were concerned to train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I was twenty-five years old when my mother died; and I have no recollection of ever seeing her out of humor, or of hearing her speak an unadvised, unbecoming word to my father, or to her children. From her children she required prompt obedience, and though she seldom resorted to the rod, yet she did not wholly discard it; but when it was necessary to wield it she did it with a portion of that wisdom which is lacking in those who spare the rod and spoil the child. My father was naturally of a hasty temper, and had much more to contend with in this respect than my mother; but he was of a generous, free and forgiving spirit: keeping in view the best welfare of all around him. Having experienced the axe laid to the root of the corrupt tree in himself, he was firm and undeviating in the maintenance of those Christian principles and testimonies given to our religious Society to uphold to the world. He was not betrayed into that weakness and folly which characterize many parents in our Society at the present day—that of giving undue liberty and indulgence to their children in respect to dress, company, etc.; encouraging them by their example to follow the vain fashions, manners and maxims of the world. But when my father drew near his close he could, with calm and Christian composure, say—while his children were gathered around his dying bed—“I am clear of the blood of my children.”

The house and heart of my parents were always open for the reception of friends and strangers, and it was with true and genuine hospitality that the best it could afford was freely offered them; many of whom it was our privilege to entertain. During the Hicksite controversy and separation, my father had much to bear; many hard things were said of him, and many reflections cast upon him, and I being young and not fully understanding the cause of all that was said and done, became very much concerned and troubled, not knowing what might be the result. While in this situation of mind, I one night dreamed that I was standing in the path that led to our spring, thinking about my father, when suddenly darkness overspread the earth; then I looked above my head, and saw a light, and heard a voice which said—“When I make up my jewels I will gather him among them.” This dream was a great comfort to me, for I believed it was intended to convince me that my father was on the right ground, notwithstanding all that was said and done against him. And I have lived to see him leave the world as a shock of corn gathered in its season, while many who opposed him have come to nothing, or dwindled in the best things.

I have already said that my mother was an Elder. She was of a sound judgment, and exercised that judgment for the encouragement of right, and the discouragement of wrong things in her family and neighborhood, and in society at large, where her lot was cast. She was careful neither to overrate nor underrate the gifts and services of ministers, and when she felt an uneasiness with any, where duty called for an expression of that uneasiness, she would go to the individual, or individuals, and relieve her feelings in a Christian spirit, and in such an honest way as left no doubt of her heartfelt concern for the best welfare of those to whom she administered caution, reproof or whatsoever might be given her in this way to communicate.

A minister belonging to our Monthly Meeting had, in his ministerial communication, given some uneasiness to my mother; he was apprised of this, and subsequently preaching a sermon, he said to my mother—“Well, Rebecca, what have you heard today, that you did not approve?” My mother replied—“I have heard the bell, but where was the pomegranate?” This minister afterwards went with the Hicksites, but was finally disowned by them, and came to nothing; having at one time three wives, all living, though not in the same neighborhood. Some years after this a minister from another Quarterly Meeting, travelling with a minute for religious service, came to my father’s; he had a religious opportunity in our family, where two individuals not members of the family were present; to one of these, this minister spoke in a way that gave great uneasiness to my parents. After the opportunity was over my mother took this minister aside and told him that he well knew, that he had not spoken to the condition of this individual, and warned him not to be deceived, and conclude his situation better than it really was. My parents advised this minister to return home, which he did.

This minister, in the Separation of 1854, went with the Gurneyites, though he had at one time clearly seen and condemned the unsound writings of Joseph John Gurney. When Elisha Bates apostatized from the doctrines and testimonies of the religious Society of Friends, it caused great excitement particularly in the minds of many of the young people who were strongly attached to him. It was at our meeting at Flushing, that he made his first public avowal of the unsound doctrine which he had embraced, touching the resurrection of the dead, namely: That these material bodies of ours will rise from the dead, etc.

Friends were generally surprised and startled at this unscriptural and anti-Quaker doctrine. They were also bowed down under an exceeding weight, and exercise; and some took an early opportunity with him on account thereof; but he gave them no satisfaction. I was at that time from home, teaching school at Barnesville. The news soon came to that neighborhood that Friends at Flushing were greatly dissatisfied with Elisha Bates on account of the doctrine which he had preached, and had let him know it. I soon fell to judging Friends for calling in question so great and good a man as E. Bates. Soon after this Elisha, and some of his friends who went with him in his new views, attended Stillwater Quarterly Meeting; he and they were high and flourishing in their words and manners.

My father followed Elisha to this meeting with a heavy heart and downcast look. I soon found an opportunity to let my father know what I thought of Friends calling in question such a man as Elisha Bates, and that I thought Friends ought to be very careful how they censured, or judged down anything he said; thus giving my father a gentle, and as I then thought a necessary admonition; being supported in my views at this time by some whose judgment I highly esteemed.

My father made but little, if any, reply to what I said, but his countenance and his whole deportment on that occasion has lived in my remembrance. He appeared to be weighed down with inexpressible exercise of mind, and I have since had just cause to believe, that his prayers for my preservation from the baits and allurements of Satan ascended at that time to the throne of Grace, and were regarded by Him who hears the petitions of the righteous, and answers them out of his holy habitation. Soon after this I returned home and found my sister Lydia, who was some years older than myself, and a thoughtful, religious young woman, greatly exercised, and distressed concerning the events then transpiring. She had been greatly attached to Elisha Bates, believing him to have been a Gospel minister, and a father in the Church; but his recent movements, and anti-Quaker doctrine she was not prepared to unite with. We searched and read the Scriptures, and reasoned and meditated thereon (too much in our own will and wisdom), to find out whether Elisha’s views were right or wrong; but this did not bring the reward of peace, or satisfy the soul. My parents, both by example and precept, advised quietude and stillness, which we found tended to our settlement in the Truth as it is in Jesus. They believed that time would make manifest what spirit Elisha and his supporters were of; or rather that, in the Lord’s time and by his Spirit, they would be seen in their true colors.

Previous to his giving uneasiness to his friends by the promulgation of unsound doctrine, Elisha Bates had obtained liberty from his Monthly, Quarterly, and Select Yearly Meetings, to make a religious visit to Friends, and others, in England, Ireland, etc. In London Yearly Meeting he met with a cordial reception from many of their leading members, who were not only prepared to receive him with his new views, but also to advocate and advance other sentiments and practices greatly at variance with the doctrines and testimonies of Friends. E. Bates, Isaac, and Anna Braithwaite, united together in holding public meetings, particularly for the young people, and thus sowed broadcast their unscriptural and anti-Quaker views. But they and others were too fast in their movements to take along with them any considerable number of followers. Soon after E. Bates returned from this visit he made a second one to England without the consent of the Society; and while there, was baptized with water, which set the minds of many Friends at rest concerning him who before were disposed to advocate his cause; but now he was taken under dealing and disowned.

He wrote and published much against early Friends, particularly against George Fox, endeavoring to render their principles and religious views odious in the eyes of the world, but he had but few followers, though he sought honor and popularity among men by forsaking and writing against the Society of which he had been a useful member, and an anointed minister while he abode in the Truth; but when he forsook the Truth and went after his own devices the Lord dealt with him as He did with Balaam. For the society with whom he joined in religious profession after he was disowned by Friends, never promoted him to honor, so that it might be said of him as it was said to Balaam—“The Lord has kept you back from honor.”

Previous to sailing for Europe the second time Elisha Bates again visited our meeting at Flushing, where he preached his own funeral sermon (In a spiritual sense) in a very impressive manner, as the sequel proved. He quoted from the fifteenth chapter of Ezekiel, comparing those who forsook the principles and testimonies of Friends to the rejected vine there spoken of; they became as outcasts, fit for no good work whatever, etc., etc. I seem to behold him at this very moment, as I then beheld him—grave, and commanding in look and gesture, and with all the fervor and eloquence, for which he was remarkable, portraying the sad and sorrowful condition of those who thus make shipwreck of faith and a good conscience. I seem even now to hear this plaintive language as it fell from the lips of one just ready to realize in his own experience the mournful truth thereof—“Not fit for any work. Not fit for a pin to hang any vessel thereon.” And I see and feel in connection with this the indispensable necessity of taking heed to our Savior’s injunction—“Let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.”

Soon after E. Bates was disowned, Joseph John Gurney came to America on a religious visit, and Thomas Shillitoe declared, in his dying testimony, unequivocally against the generality of his writings, as being “non-Quaker principles, not sound Quaker principles, but Episcopalian ones; and they have done great mischief in our Society; and the Society will go gradually down, if it yields to the further circulation of that part of his works which they have in their power to suppress—this is my firm belief.” And time has verified to a great extent the truth of his testimony.

Jonathan Evans, in a letter to John Wilbur, says: “I have perused a great deal of his (Joseph John Gurney’s) writings and have been sorely distressed at the darkness and confusion which are almost inseparable from their contents.”

Abner Heald, a sound Gospel minister belonging to Ohio Yearly Meeting, on his deathbed bore this testimony in the presence of substantial witnesses: “Those who say that the writings of Joseph John Gurney are in accordance with the writings of early Friends, will be found liars before God—his writings darken the atmosphere of the Lord’s firmament.” This is also the testimony of my heart concerning the writings of Joseph J. Gurney.

In 1846 and 1847 the subject of unsound doctrines, written and published by members of London Yearly Meeting, took such hold of the Meeting for Sufferings of Philadelphia that a document was prepared by that Body and subsequently adopted by the Yearly Meeting. It was entitled an “Appeal for the Ancient Doctrines of the Society of Friends,” and contrasted portions of the writings of Joseph J. Gurney and Dr. Edward Ash with the early standard writers in the Society, on the same subjects, and the discrepancies were thus brought more fully and generally before the public eye.

In 1846 Ohio Yearly Meeting sent to London Yearly Meeting as follows: “The peace and harmony of this Yearly Meeting, in its several branches as also in its collective capacity, at the present season have been greatly disturbed on account of the doctrinal writings of a member or members of your Yearly Meeting in circulation among us, which are not deemed by us to be in accordance with those on the same subjects, of our ancient approved authors.”

Ohio Yearly Meeting subsequently adopted the “Appeal for the Ancient Doctrines,” as published by Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. Notwithstanding the brotherly appeals which had been issued from time to time by Philadelphia and Ohio Yearly Meetings, to London Yearly Meeting, on the subject of the unsound writings alluded to, London Yearly Meeting in 1847 issued a memorial, or testimony concerning Joseph John Gurney, in which it is said—“resigning himself in the simplicity of a little child to the unerring guidance of the holy Spirit, he was enabled, though surrounded by adverse circumstances, to make a full surrender; and he maintained with holy boldness, the principles and testimonies of the Society through the remainder of his life.” And again—“It will not be expected that we should here advert at any length to his writings, but it is right for us to express our belief, that in these undertakings as in every other, he was actuated by a sincere desire to promote the glory of God, and the welfare of his fellow-men, and at the same time to maintain with unflinching integrity, the Truth as it is in Jesus.” It would then appear that Joseph J. Gurney’s attacks on the doctrines and integrity of the early, and standard authors in the Society are “believed by London Yearly Meeting to have been called for to promote the glory of God, and the welfare of his fellow-men,” and needed to “maintain with unflinching integrity, the Truth as it is in Jesus.” What I have written respecting the apostasy of Elisha Bates, I have written under a belief that it was right so to do; I have also believed it right for me to give forth an unequivocal testimony against the unsound writings of Joseph John Gurney, being satisfied from my heart with the doctrinal writings of early Friends, and have greatly admired the wisdom and goodness of God in enabling and qualifying Robert Barclay to give forth such a clear and scriptural exposition of the doctrines of our religious Society as is contained in the Apology. And I have often said in my heart, it is the Lord’s doing, and marvelous in my eyes.

But to return to my early life—I was naturally of a volatile disposition, and took great delight in childish play; though I can remember having very serious thoughts and impressions when quite young. On one occasion having told an untruth when a child, it gave me great uneasiness, so that I could not sleep when I went to bed; but prayed that I might be forgiven; and I remember going into the orchard alone and praying to my heavenly Father to keep me from evil, and make me a better child. I am satisfied that the minds of children are often seriously impressed with good desires and feelings when quite young.

At one time having committed a mischievous act which I knew would occasion my father to enquire of his children who was the author of the mischief, I had great reasonings in my mind whether to own or deny the act; but finally resolved to speak the truth, though it might subject me to the discipline of the rod: so when my father called upon us to know who had committed the depredation, I unhesitatingly answered that I did it, and I felt great joy that I had been preserved from equivocation, or willfully departing from the truth, through the fear of punishment; and it was a strength and encouragement to me afterwards to adhere to the truth. I remember on one occasion when I was a child, returning from school, it being meeting day, I was met by my father, who enquired where I was going; I answered, I was going home, as I did not want to go to meeting that day—the rest of the scholars having gone. My father took me by the hand and led me to the meetinghouse, greatly in the cross to my will. As we walked along, anxious to find an excuse for absenting myself from meeting, I told my father that the carpenter he had employed in his service, calling him by name, did not always go to meeting on Fourth-days. This little incident of my father’s faithfulness, and my own childish flimsy excuse for absenting myself from meeting on that occasion by referring to the example of the carpenter, has often since been brought to my remembrance.

Children take great notice of the example of those who are older than themselves, and are apt to lay hold of anything that they see in others, that they think will be an excuse for their own faults.

The carpenter I mentioned, in his eagerness to grasp the things of the world, often neglected the attendance of our religious meetings: and after a while, for the sake of accumulating, he moved where there was no meeting of Friends within his reach; but the judgments of the Lord overtook him, for he was soon visited with a fever which afflicted his limbs and made him a cripple through the rest of his life. As soon as he was able he moved back into our neighborhood, and became for a time more thoughtful of his spiritual welfare; he attended meetings pretty regularly, but being again able to work at his trade, he relapsed into his former careless habits, and finally forsook meetings altogether. Before he left our neighborhood the last time and moved west, the Lord gave me a close testimony to deliver to him, warning him that the day of final reckoning would come, and if his talent, or talents, were not occupied to the glory of God, awful would be the consequence, etc. But he did not take the message well, which he showed in his conduct towards me afterwards; but I felt satisfied with having done my duty. His last days were said to have been spent in apparent forgetfulness of his God, who had dealt thus mercifully with him.

The foregoing account of this carpenter I have recorded as a warning, not to trifle with the offer of God’s mercy through Jesus Christ to the immortal soul, lest He withdraw his lovingkindness, and leave the heart desolate—awful state for any to be found in—Lord preserve me therefrom, says my soul.

When I was going to school I was among the number who, when taken to meeting, often fell into a dull, sleepy condition. I felt that this was wrong, and it became my daily concern that I might be enabled to overcome this sleepy feeling in meeting, seeing no use in people going to meeting to sleep.

One Fourth-day morning I came to this conclusion: “I will go to meeting today, and if I am overcome with sleep as I have been, I will in future stay at home”—not thinking whether my parents would allow it or not.

I went to meeting under exercise that I might be preserved from this shameful practice, and the Lord condescended to show forth his power even to a child as I was, for He took sleep from my eyes at that time, and for several years afterwards I never knew what it was to feel sleepy in our religious meetings, though before this I had been so given to it that I have sometimes come near falling off the bench. I write this to encourage children, and others, to strive lawfully for the blessing of preservation from this practice, and in the Lord’s time He will deliver them from it.

When I was in my fourteenth year my sister Deborah died. She was next older than myself. After her death I thought I could never again indulge in idle conversation, laughing and jesting, to which I was naturally very much prone; but the impressions made by her death on my feelings were too much like the morning cloud, and early dew, that soon pass away. Her last words on bidding her sisters farewell, were—“May the Lord hold you in his hand”—which prayer has been answered, with respect to those who have since been taken from works to rewards. My sisters, four in number, were all taken away by death before they reached meridian age; and all left a comfortable assurance to their relatives and friends that their end was peace.

When I was about sixteen years of age my eldest brother engaged in the mercantile business in a little village about four miles from my father’s. As my brother was not then married, my parents consented for me to go and keep house for him for a while, that I might be company for him, assist some in his business, etc., there being no Friends in the place. When I was settled in my new situation I found I was surrounded with temptations to which I had before been a stranger. I was soon invited to a party and had an inclination to go, but my parents had kept me from indulging in the fashions of the world, and I knew that I had no clothes that would correspond with the dress of those I was to mingle with. I concluded that I should be a speckled bird among them, and therefore did not go. Thus I found the care of my parents to have been as a hedge about me, preserving at that time from running into unprofitable company.

After this party was over, it was reported there were some young Quakers present who were said to have been the wildest and most unbecoming in their conduct of any that attended. I then felt truly thankful that I was not one of the guests. These young people, Quakers as they were called, had run out in their dress, language and manners, so as to have no claim to the name of Friends except a right of membership; and here let me remark, it would have been justice to these young people and a credit to society, had they before this been treated with, and if they could not have been reclaimed, disowned.

I now began to consider how I should appear among my new associates, being so very different in my dress, language and manners from those who surrounded me, for I had frequently to be in the store when my brother was absent, as well as at other times. I thought of trying to fashion myself a little more in accordance with those I mingled with, and resolved at least to wear my hair in a different style from that to which I had been accustomed; but as I was walking the floor one day reasoning upon the subject, I opened the Bible which was lying upon the table, and the first words that presented to my view were these—“When pride comes then comes shame, but with the lowly is wisdom.” I felt this to be the reproof that I needed, and gave up my plans. I saw that it was pride, and pride alone that made me ashamed of that plainness and simplicity which becomes a Christian, and I was humbled under a sense of the goodness of my heavenly Father in thus condescending to strengthen that in me which had been wrestling with me to prevent me from doing wrong. My brother, who had been a wild young man and had deviated in dress and address from the testimonies of Friends—though at that time somewhat more thoughtful—observing my exercises, said to me on one occasion, “I do not want you ever to do as I have done”—meaning in regard to keeping unprofitable company, departing from the plain dress, language, etc. This I perceived he spoke under some exercise on account of his own deviations and for a warning to me, which proved a word in season. In this town and neighborhood Quakerism was very much scoffed at. On one occasion, my brother being absent, a man of some rank and fortune in the neighborhood, came into the store and thus accosted me—“How does thee do?”—emphasizing every word as he spoke it, no doubt to let me know that it was in derision of the plain language [*] and little Quaker girl that he thus addressed me. This did not tempt me to depart from the plain Scripture language which I strictly adhered to, but it raised in my young mind a feeling of surprise and indignation, that a man of his age, sense and learning, should stoop so low as thus to address me.

I did not stay long with my brother in this village, but long enough to come to this conclusion, and that too, as I thought, on good ground: That members of our religious Society, whether young or old, must be in possession of the truth as it is in Jesus, or they will not and cannot consistently support the principles and testimonies of Friends. While living here I met with a remarkable preservation from fire, which I think proper to mention. My brother not being well, laid down early one evening in the same room where I was sitting, and soon fell asleep. I continued sewing and reading for some time after, and then laid my sewing and head upon the table by which I was sitting and fell asleep also; how long I slept I cannot tell, but I was aroused by a loud crackling noise, like that produced by pouring water on a stick of burning wood. I had left the candle burning upon the table; it had fallen out of the candlestick; the table had been on fire and a considerable hole burnt in it; but the fire was gone out as if extinguished by water, and the crackling noise which awakened me was still to be heard. A large dictionary and Bible were considerably burned, but they too had ceased to burn, but what was most remarkable, a piece of white muslin upon which I had been sewing was partly burned up; this too had ceased to burn, as if the flame had been extinguished by the hand of man. This preservation from fire made a deep impression on my mind, and I have ever considered it a special interposition of Divine Providence. My head lying near the burning materials must have been subjected to the greatest peril.

My brother as well as myself was struck with wonder and surprise at what had taken place—and I record this special deliverance from fire even at this time with feelings of gratitude and wonder—gratitude to Him who extinguished the flames, and wonder at the compassionate regard of my Savior towards one so unworthy his notice.

In this village was an Inn, just opposite our dwelling, where the people sometimes had balls, and parties of pleasure, so-called. The awful feelings produced, and the impressions made upon my youthful mind, by the noise of the fiddle and the sound of the feet of these time murderers, I have no language fully to set forth. No doubt they often felt the convictions of the Holy Spirit for such conduct, but by striving against its reproofs they became hardened in sin and transgression.

A religious young woman of the Methodist Society gave me an account of her experience in regard to dancing, etc., which, as near as I can now remember, was on this wise: It had been the practice in her father’s house to have dances, etc., frequently, in which she had participated; but her mind became impressed with the sinfulness of such amusements, and she sought to shun them. By so doing she soon became the subject of derision and persecution. On one occasion, having hid herself in order to avoid the dance, she was sought after, found, and taken into the dancing room and compelled to take the floor. After taking a few steps in the dance, such horror of mind seized her, that she resolved to dance no more, let the consequence be what it might. In vain did her relations and associates use every endeavor to upset her good resolutions; but she gained upon them by her faithfulness, and I think she said—when conversing with me—that the practice had been discontinued in her father’s family for some years. She also observed, that as her mind became impressed with the sin of dancing and its accompaniments, she felt it required of her to lay aside her gay dress, her superfluous ribbons, and gaudy trimmings, and when compared with the generality of that society in the present day, she was a plain woman. It is due to my parents to say, that it was not their choice, nor by their encouragement, that my brother engaged in business in this town.

A few years after his marriage he left the place, narrowly escaping therefrom with his right of membership. Several young men—members of our Society—one after another were placed in the same store in order for worldly gain, all of whom lost their rights of membership before they left.

The following advice contained in our book of Discipline is worthy the serious consideration and observance of Friends both young and old:

“It is the affectionate desire of the Yearly Meeting, that Friends may wait for Divine counsel in all their engagements, and not allow their minds to be carried away by an inordinate desire of worldly riches; remembering the observation of the Apostle in his day, and so often sorrowfully verified in ours—They who will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and erring from the faith pierce themselves through with many sorrows.”

In the eighteenth or nineteenth year of my age I attended a Meeting for Worship, about eight miles from my father’s, appointed for Elizabeth Robson, a minister from England, in which she had large and laborious service, it being but a short time previous to the Hicksite separation. On my way home from this meeting some weighty and serious considerations took hold of my mind on the subject of the ministry, particularly relative to women’s preaching, and this language of the Apostle was impressively brought to my remembrance—“We are made as the filth of the world, and are the offscouring of all things unto this day.” These words were accompanied with such feelings as made me exclaim in the secret of my heart—“Make of me anything else in the Church, but a minister I can never be.”

Sometime after this, while sitting in our meeting at Flushing under religious exercise, a solemn feeling covered my mind, attended with an impression that it was required of me to appear in vocal supplication, and felt as if I could scarcely resist the gentle, powerful and persuasive influence of that holy life-giving power and spirit, by which my heart was solemnized and my spirit tendered, and I seemed a wonder to myself, thinking it scarcely possible that such a one as I should be called upon to address the Throne of Grace publicly. So I put it from me, at the same time saying in my heart—“If Mary Jones (a beloved minister then belonging to our meeting) will speak to my condition today, I will believe this impression which I have felt to be a real requirement.” I asked a certain sign, which was granted. This Friend presently arose and said that she believed there were those in that meeting among the youth who were, or would be, called to the work of the ministry, with more that seemed pointed and encouraging; but I put it away from me as a dream, or vision of the night. Soon after this, on taking my seat in our meeting, this concern again revived; but I again endeavored to put it from me, saying, after so long a time, etc., I will yield. But God is not to be mocked, and I presently heard this language which was addressed to a rebellious people formerly, addressed to the ear of my soul: “You shall not see me henceforth until you say blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord.” All concern thus to appear in our meetings was now taken from me, and I had almost forgotten that such a thing had been required until awakened by the judgments of Him who can bring all things to our remembrance.

In the winter of 1832 and 1833, while teaching school from home, I took a heavy cold, which affected my lungs, and was followed by a hard cough, some fever, and general debility. But on my return home, hoping and expecting soon to regain my usual health, I engaged with my cousin, Asa Branson, as a teacher in Friends’ school at Flushing. We commenced with forty scholars, and I was deeply interested, but my health soon obliged me to quit the schoolroom. This was a great cross to my natural will and inclination. In vain did I hope and desire. In vain did I strive and struggle, week after week and month after month, to become liberated from this unexpected and grievous dispensation of affliction. But my heavenly Father saw fit to continue the stroke until my friends thought I must die, and my physicians gave me no hope of recovery. My cough was very oppressive and my breathing difficult, and my pulsations 120 in a minute. My beloved sister who waited upon me, and watched over me with anxious solicitude, that I might be fully aware of my critical situation, informed me of the opinion of my physician, expressing a heartfelt desire that I might be prepared for the solemn summons which appeared to be near at hand. But it was all dark to me, whether I would live or die; or what would become of me were I to be soon launched into the confines of eternity. But I had a lingering hope that the Lord would not cast me off on the left hand. When able to ride out I often desired to attend our religious meetings, when my friends thought it imprudent, and I yielded to their judgment. On one occasion I felt much depressed, and was almost ready to murmur; when this language was addressed to my mental ear: “What do you want to go to meeting for? Is it above all things to worship God in spirit and in truth?” I could not say that this was the leading motive; but originated more from a desire to gratify my own will and inclination than to glorify the Lord my God. Then I remembered the language of our Savior to the Syro-phenician woman—“It is not fitting to take the children’s bread and cast it to dogs”—and I was greatly humbled under a feeling sense of my unworthiness of the least of the Lord’s mercies. My spiritual conflicts were at times great, the depths of which were only known by the Searcher of hearts. I was favored to see by and through the light of Christ in my heart, the corruption of my fallen nature, that had never passed under the flaming sword, that turns every way to keep the way of the tree of life. I had a strong will which had not been slain, and a proud heart which had not been fully humbled. I could not truthfully adopt the language, “Your kingdom come, your will be done in earth as it is in heaven.” I did not feel willing to be counted a fool for Christ’s sake, and I did not see how it was possible that I could be brought into that state of mind.

A minister from another neighborhood having paid me a visit, after her return home, wrote me a few lines expressing her belief that my spiritual condition was comparable to that of the young man who had kept all the commandments from his youth up, but lacked the one thing, that of selling all and following the Lord Jesus in the way of his requiring, etc. When I received these few lines I said in my heart, this is the truth, the very truth—the Lord has put it into your heart thus to address me, for I had said nothing to her in regard to my spiritual conflicts; but I felt that I had no might or power of my own to take one step in the right direction, and I seemed to be hastening towards the end of my pilgrimage without a preparation for the final summons. Thus the Lord let me see and feel, that man of himself can do no good thing—he cannot soften his own heart, he cannot repent when he pleases and become resigned to the will of the Lord in his own will and time. I had chosen my own way and disobeyed his command, when a clear manifestation of religious duty had been given me and strength to comply therewith, and now I was reaping the reward of disobedience. This was the condition of my mind when, one day after a severe spell of coughing, I sank for a few moments into a state of unconsciousness; as I recovered from this, I said in my heart, am I dying without any evidence of Divine acceptance? Then this language was addressed to my spiritual ear—“Are you now willing to become a little preacher?” I answered on this wise—“Lord, you have all power. I have no might or strength of my own, make of me what seems unto you good.” But at that time I had no idea what would be required of me, or that anything but the subjugation of my will was called for. Through the judgments of the Lord mingled with mercy, the deaf and dumb spirit was now being cast out; that spirit that had turned a deaf ear to the calls of the Lord and disobeyed his commandments—the oaks of Bashan and cedars of Lebanon were brought down, and my spiritual condition resembled in no slight degree that of Nebuchadnezzar, whom seven times had passed over him before he was humbled. I now felt that resignation to the will of the Lord which I once thought impossible. Under these feelings of humiliation and abasedness of self, this language was addressed to the ear of my soul—“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.” No tongue could tell, or pen portray, the joy of my heart at that time. I felt that all my sins were forgiven through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, and a foretaste of that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory was given me—a foretaste of the joys of heaven where ransomed souls and holy angels surround the throne of God, ascribing thanksgiving, glory and honor unto the Lord God and the Lamb forever. At this time I was entirely confined to my bed, and apparently near the end of my earthly pilgrimage; and my experience at this eventful period of my life very forcibly reminded me of the account recorded by the Apostle Paul, of a man (doubtless himself) who was caught up into the third heaven, and heard things which were not lawful to be uttered; and the truth of this declaration of the same Apostle was most impressively sealed upon my mind, namely: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither has entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for them that love him.” But “God has revealed them unto us by his Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.” “But the natural man receives not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him; neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.”

I was now commanded of the Lord to send for the inhabitants of the village near which we resided, that I might proclaim unto them the unsearchable riches of Christ. My dear father entered fully and feelingly into the concern and extended the desired information. Many came to whom the gospel of life and salvation was preached in demonstration of the Spirit and of power. They were invited to come, taste and see that the Lord is good and that his mercy endures forever; that it is extended unto all, that He is no respecter of persons, that in every nation they that fear Him and work righteousness are accepted with Him. “The Spirit and the bride say come. And let him that hears say, come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take of the water of life freely.”

But we must come in the obedience of faith—we must follow the leadings and teachings of the Holy Spirit, while favored with the visitation of Divine mercy, the mercy of God in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior, if we become heirs of eternal salvation. Christ Jesus came not into the world to suffer and to die for us, to save us in our sins, but from our sins. We must experience the refining, cleansing operation of his baptism—the baptism of fire and the Holy Ghost, purging the temple of our hearts from all that his righteous controversy is with, before He will deign to own us before his Father and the holy angels. The Lord strengthened me in a remarkable manner on this memorable occasion to proclaim the gospel unto the people. All were attentive and serious, and it may be said, truth reigned and triumphed over all, to the praise and honor of his great and glorious name. This was in the Tenth Month of 1833. From this time I began slowly to recover; but was closely confined all the ensuing winter to my room, and most of the time to my bed. A large abscess formed in my left side, the contents of which were thrown off by expectoration. This was some relief in the way of breathing, but I was very weak and prostrated. My father sent for another physician, who gave him no encouragement as to my recovery, but I heard a voice which said, “Talitha-cumi, maid arise;” and I then thought I should recover. When spring came and the weather became sufficiently warm and settled, they placed me on a sled and took me out in the fresh air, as I was able to bear it. I soon got so I could sit meeting by having at first an easy chair to sit in; and I found that I must be faithful to what the Lord required of me in meeting, and out of meeting, if true peace was obtained.

Chapter II

- Commencement of Her Diary Entries

- First Poetry

- Death of Her Mother

- A Religious Visit to Salem in Company with Her Father

- A Religious Visit to Meetings in Indiana

- Visit to a Neighboring Monthly Meeting

Tenth Month 19th, 1826.—The forepart of this evening was spent in much quietness, but towards bed-time a confab ensued which I fear had a tendency to draw our minds off from a state of watchfulness; for as it is recorded, so have I experienced it to be—“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking;” and I know there is often much loss sustained when young persons are assembled together in a social way by indulging in light and unnecessary conversation, jesting, joking, etc.; which would be dispensed with were we to maintain the true dignity of Christians, and duly consider, that for every idle word that men shall speak they shall give an account in the day of judgment according to the words of our Savior. As for myself, I can adopt the language of the poet:

My good resolves are not a few,Though transient as a cloud;Today I bid the world adieu,Tomorrow join the crowd.

And there seems to be but little hope of amendment.

May I govern my passions with absolute swayAnd grow wiser and better as life wears away.

Fourth Month, 1828.

To thee alone, oh gracious God,My griefs are fully known,To thee and to thy blessed Son,One with thee in thy throne.My soul does know the path to beA narrow one indeed,That leads to blessedness and thee,But thou hast that decreed.In judgment, oh most gracious God,Remember mercy, too,And with thy wise chastising rod,My stubborn will subdue.

Fifth Month 25th, 1829.—I have been renewedly made sensible this evening, that it is only as we are brought into a capacity humbly to acknowledge that of ourselves we can do no good thing, that we are able to make a just discrimination between the things that belong to Caesar and those which belong to God. And although many of us can acknowledge that we have made but little if any progress in the great work of regeneration, yet I believe that every tribute that has not the Divine image and superscription upon it, offered unto Him, will not only meet with his rejection, but will fail to be acknowledged by the witness for truth in the hearts of the children of men.

Ninth Month 14th, 1832.—When for several weeks together our minds are constantly and solemnly impressed with the necessity of a godly life and conduct, and that too without any particular distress of body or mind, ought we not to consider it a special call to holiness of the most gracious and condescending nature. “Oh Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me,” that I may not suffer in vain all that I have suffered, if it be yet in vain.

24th.—I mourn like a dove for the day to arrive when my heart shall be freed from the thraldom of sin. “Oh vain and inconstant world! Oh fleeting and transient life, when will the sons of men learn to think of you as they ought.”

Tenth Month 11th.

Now, if consistent with thy will,Great God thy promises fulfill,And bless my father’s house;May all our hearts be turned to thee,Our wills to thine subjected beThat we may pay our vows.

Oh make the towering cedars bow.Bring all the oaks of Bashan low,Exalt thy holy name;Let every soul contrited prove,Rejoicing only in thy love,Kindle a lasting flame.

Oh gracious Father, deign to hear,Lord, we beseech thee, lend an earAnd hear the suppliants’ cry:Parents and children join in oneTo supplicate thy holy throne,Whose dwelling is on High.

[The foregoing lines were written when the author was in good health, and only a few months previous to the beginning of a lingering illness of which mention has been already made in this book, and the writer believes that the petition contained in those lines was remarkably answered during this illness in reference to her own case and others of the family.]

Sixth Month 7th, 1833.

Tis time for amendment, my health has declined,My vows are all broken, unpaid;In health I have murmured, midst blessings repined,And the Lord’s righteous will disobeyed.

“Awaken, oh sleeper,” with sound of alarm,Hath oft been announced in my ear;The thought of destruction, the heart-rending storm,Hath made me to tremble and fear.

My every resolve, like the dew on the grass,For amendment, hath vanished away;And time and experience have taught me at lastThat pleasure and health will decay.

Eighth Month.

Lord unto thee I now commit my soul.Be all my actions under thy control,My will, my wisdom and my every thought,Oh may they be to true subjection brought.Enable me at thy Almighty call,To take fresh courage and to part with all,To part with all—No longer let it beMy sin to sorrow and depart from thee.Sell all thou hast—Oft has this gracious wordWithin my bosom secretly been heard,To part with all.

Ninth Month 2nd, 1833.

Dear Cousin Miriam Ellis:

Seldom during my late affliction, have I found it congenial with the health of mind or body to use my pen; but an unexpected and almost an undesired liberty induces me this afternoon to acknowledge the receipt of the few lines you sent me some months ago. Not that I believe you are looking for or desiring thanks from me for the performance of that which you believed to be, and no doubt was, your religious duty. For I do most surely believe that the more we become acquainted and follow the teachings of the Holy Spirit, the less we shall seek after or desire the honor that comes not from God only. My health is very precarious, and I know not how it may terminate. But will not the Judge of all the earth do right?

From your afflicted cousin,

Ann Branson

Ninth Month 4th.

Dear sister Lydia, now attending Yearly Meeting.

You know that I am obliged to use my pen seldom and sparingly; but permit me to tell you that we are getting along very quietly and quite as comfortably as circumstances will admit. Mother has no cause for much anxiety on my account, which I esteem a favor—called to see us yesterday, you know it is very pleasant to have the company of dear, but far more to be desired, is the presence of Him who is strength in weakness, and a present helper in the needful time, to those who put their trust in Him. Is it a time in which you are sensibly partaking of the bread from heaven? Or is it a time of withholding? Murmur not if the latter be your condition at this annual gathering, for it is surely of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

From your afflicted sister,

Ann Branson

Ninth Month 23rd.

What shall I render to my GodFor all his gifts to me,For with his wise chastising rodHe’s gently stricken me.

Gently, for days and months gone by,The work thou hast renewed,Hast heard the wanderer’s bitter cryIn secret solitude.

Third Month 12th, 1834—Oh! Lord God of Hosts, grant ability this day, I beseech You, to do your holy will, grant light enough to walk in without stumbling. May your will be done in me, and by me, and through me. Oh! God of my life, I am in a strait, undertake for me, that your truth may not be blamed through my omission or commission. If it be right that I should again be brought into great tribulation for my own refinement and for the sake of others, your will be done. Be pleased to prosper the prayers of your servants of every age and station; magnified and adored be your worthy name now and forever.

Fifth Month 13th.—Should I ask a blessing for myself, it would be this,—a cheerful resignation to the Lord’s will, even in the most humiliating seasons, and preservation from the snares of the enemy of my soul’s peace. This is what I have in some degree experienced in time past, and also that peace which the world cannot give.

Fifth Month 27th.—Condescend, O, most Holy Father, to preserve with your preserving power, those who put their trust in You; when You permit the overflowing scourge to pass through this land and this place; when You whet your sword and pass over to destroy and to make an utter end according to your will and purpose; Oh! spare the children of this family. Let us be found abiding in our tents, that your hand may spare us, and give us willing and obedient minds, and understanding hearts, to know and to do your will, and to keep your commandments. And if You call my father to labor in another place, or another part of the land, grant that your protecting power may support him and those he may leave behind, for your own blessed name’s sake, who alone are worthy of all honor, praise and thanksgiving, now and forever, amen. And now, Oh! Lord! if it please You, grant that my health may be so restored, as that I may be enabled to accompany my father in body or mind through many deep trials he may have to encounter, whether by day or by night, whether it be in mental conflict or bodily suffering, that I may be permitted to bear up his hands when the raging waves may be permitted to beat vehemently.

Tenth Month 30th, 1835. This evening one year ago, my beloved mother died. The summons was very sudden. She retired to bed about nine o’clock, apparently in usual health; between the hours of ten and eleven she awoke, and complained of pain in her breast. My father hastened downstairs to get something for her relief; he returned in a short time and found her dying. Her death was believed to have been occasioned by an abscess in her side breaking inwardly. For some days before her death my feelings were unusually solemn, and I believe she felt the same way. Oh! may I ever remember the solemn warning the blessed Master saw fit to give us in the removal of my dear mother. It matters not for her, we have no cause to doubt her preparation. But the call to her family, friends and neighbors is impressive—“You also be ready, for at such an hour as you think not, the Son of Man comes.”

Fourth Month 15th, 1836.—A feeling of the absence of the Beloved of Souls has accompanied my mind for some months past. Oh! when will the winter be past; the rains over and gone? When shall I experience the light of the glorious countenance of the Lord to fill my heart as in days that are past, when He was pleased to lay his chastening hand upon me and bring forth judgment unto truth; when He saw fit to appoint many bitter cups for me to drink, hard for flesh and blood to endure, yes, the very things my soul refused to touch, did indeed become my sorrowful meat. But in all these things is the life of my spirit.

Sixth Month 15th.—I arose this morning with the sun, which shone for a little time with brightness and lustre, but suddenly its brightness was diminished and almost totally obscured by a thick mist which covered the whole face of nature, as far as my eyes could reach. What a striking illustration said I, is this which I now see in the visible creation, of the frequent condition of my own mind. Many times when nothing is seen outwardly, or felt inwardly, to disquiet my feelings, how quick, how sudden the transition from pleasant to mournful reflections; a moment, or the effect of a moment, is sufficient to cause a train of unpleasant feelings and reflections to accompany us throughout the day. But why not learn to wait patiently for the arising of better feelings? Why not watch and wait with as much hope for this inward tumult to subside, as for the thick mist to be dispersed and the enlivening rays of the sun again to break forth and scatter the gloom? Oh! that I may learn not to speak unadvisedly with my lips, when my heart is full of trouble, when many things inwardly and outwardly combine to ruffle and perplex the mind. May I learn more and more to trust in Him who is able to say to the waves of affliction, “Hitherto shall you go and no farther.” May his power be daily and hourly borne in mind, sought after and waited for; not only to preserve us in trouble and to rescue from temptation, but also to cleanse from every defilement. That, as “the refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold,” may I be the better for all the troubles, crosses and afflictions permitted to come upon me, and prepared when done with this state of probation for that “city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God.”

Second Month 16th, 1840.—Arrived safely home after an absence of four weeks, during which time I have visited in company with my beloved father, the meetings and some of the families belonging to Salem and Springfield quarters; and I may thankfully acknowledge that Israel’s unslumbering shepherd has not been lacking in giving strength and ability to pursue the path of duty, when at times we seemed almost ready to give out. He is ever ready to direct and strengthen those who put their trust in Him. May the remaining days of my life be spent to his honor and glory, who is ever worthy. What a feeble and unworthy instrument am I to be called to proclaim the glad tidings of the gospel to others. But the Lord has a right to make use of such instruments as He sees fit to employ in his service, “Male and female all one in Christ.” Therefore let none shrink or give back, who are thus called, but give up unreservedly to the Divine will.

In the Eighth Month of this year, 1840, I obtained liberty of the Monthly and Quarterly Meetings (Flushing Monthly and Short Creek Quarterly) to attend Indiana Yearly Meeting, and to visit some of the meetings belonging thereto, and to appoint some meetings among those not in membership with us. My cousin, Samuel Smith and my aunt Martha Holloway were my companions in this visit,—both elders of Flushing Monthly Meeting. Two friends on horseback accompanied us to Mount Gilead, where Alum Creek Quarterly Meeting is held. We travelled from Smyrna to Coshocton, a distance of forty miles, the first day. It was rainy, the road hilly and muddy, and we did not get to our lodging until after night. Before reaching the town of Coshocton, we had to descend a long hill, and it being very dark, one of the men on horseback had to dismount and feel for the road with his hands. On reaching the hotel our men friends observed several very rough looking persons in the bar-room, and the landlord not any ways behind them in appearance. Some murders and outrages having been recently committed near this place, and the town not bearing a good name, caused some anxiety as to the safety of travellers. After supper my aunt and I were shown to our lodging room, which had a lock to the door; we fastened ourselves in and slept well until morning. Not so with our men Friends. They were shown into a room having three beds in it, without any fastening to the door. In one of the beds lay a man apparently sound asleep, and snoring quite loud. Two of our friends retired very soon, the other stayed reading for some time in a book he found lying on the stand. While he was reading, the door of their room was pushed open and a very rough looking man entered. On being asked what he wanted, he made no reply, but soon retreated. After the other Friend had gone to bed, Samuel Smith became more uneasy, and had one of the bedsteads placed against the door. During the night they found someone was trying to enter the room by pushing at the door. Samuel Smith then called out in a loud, stern voice, asking who was at the door, and what was wanted, saying that he had a mind to get up and go downstairs and find out what was going on, adding, here is a man in bed apparently asleep (for nothing as yet seemed to arouse him) and for aught I know is acting the opossum. After this all was still until morning; and at early dawn we were up making ready for our escape from this place. But before leaving, one of the Friends observed on the opposite side of the street, the man who had entered the room before they had all retired; and on making inquiry who he was, no one seemed to know him. Soon after we were at Coshocton, a man and his family stopped at this hotel to tarry for a few days. While there the man was murdered.

Before we left Coshocton, some of our company went to view the hill we had descended in the dark, and found that we had passed over very dangerous ground, the wheels of our carriage just escaping the precipice. Thus, through the mercy of our Heavenly Father, we left this town in safety.

Mount Gilead, Ninth Month 20th, 1840.

My Dear Father,

We are now at the house of our friend, J. W. S. Arrived here yesterday morning in time for meeting, in good health and without accident. As yet I have not regretted starting on this journey. Although it has been sunshine thus far (in a spiritual sense) yet I doubt not the clouds will be permitted to intervene, and perhaps continue many days and nights on my tabernacle. Oh, that I may be so watchful, and so favored, as to dwell in the ward whole nights; not straining my eyes in the dark, as dear Sarah Grubb says, believing in the Light, and waiting patiently for its appearance and direction.

You, my dear father, are much before the view of my mind, almost constantly when awake, and not in meeting. It may be your spirit goes with us, I hope at least your prayers do.

25th.—We got to Alum Creek this morning. Attended their meeting for worship in the forenoon, and their Select Preparative in the afternoon.

It is a low time, at least it feels so to me, and the Answers to the Queries indicate the same; and I feel that it is needful for me to keep close to the pointings of the good Shepherd; to say nothing more nor less than He requires. This is what I desire to do, and I hope you will crave it for me.

22nd.—Attended Monthly Meeting at Alum Creek, today. Joseph Edgerton and companion came in after the meeting was nearly gathered. They rode thirty miles this morning before meeting. John Wood, Sr., has been here, but has gone towards Indiana. He had a public meeting at this place, and was silent therein. This is the way for ministers to mind their steps.

24th.—We are now at Goshen, and attended their Select Quarterly Meeting today. It is quite sickly in these parts, but our little company keeps well and cheerful, and perhaps we may be favored to escape all these maladies and get safely home. I am glad I was at meeting today. As the bearer of this, A. P., will leave here tomorrow, after Quarterly Meeting closes, before I have time to add anything to this, I must bid farewell.

Affectionately your daughter,

Ann Branson

Richmond, Indiana, Ninth Mo. 27th, 1840.

My Dear Father,

This morning arrived at this place, having Daniel Wood for our pilot from Goshen. Yesterday we fell in company with John Wood from New York. He appeared glad to see us and you know we were glad to meet with him.

29th.—Today attended the select Yearly Meeting of ministers and elders. Truly things are at a low ebb here; much more so than I had any idea of before coming. The true Israelitish seed is pressed as a cart loaded with sheaves; I hope to be preserved in faith and patience. My soul feels in jeopardy. Pray you for us, and for me, in an especial manner.

Ann Branson

30th.—Today a public meeting was held. I thought it was remarkably favored. A living ministry being largely exercised therein by John Wood and E. R. The doctrines of our religious Society were opened with clearness and pertinency. What a favor it is that some (I trust many) are still preserved on the Ancient Foundation against which the storms and tempests cannot prevail. My feelings I cannot describe, on contemplating the goodness and tender mercy of the Lord towards a gainsaying and rebellious people as we are.

Tenth Month 1st.—This morning the Select Meeting again convened, and I had to express my belief that there was something at work like the mole underground, to sap and undermine the foundation of our religious Society; and I had to warn Friends against its insidious working. It seemed to me, that I saw this spirit at work, with my spiritual eye, as plainly as I could discern with my natural eyes the workings of the mole when it is seen burrowing in the earth and trying to hide itself from observation. Several living testimonies were borne in this meeting to the honor and, I trust, to the promotion of the Truth. The Meeting for Business in the afternoon was large and crowded. In the evening attended a meeting of the African Committee. All were at liberty to attend who chose to do so. One end of the Yearly Meetinghouse was nearly filled, and it was indeed a time of disorder and confusion. It was soon evident that two parties had met, with sentiments and feelings very adverse one to the other. One party believed that Friends ought not to use the products of slave labor, and endeavored to show the necessity, propriety, and practicability, of abstaining therefrom; pressing their sentiments in away and manner, which gave evidence that many of them were actuated by a wrong spirit, and that their zeal was not according to true knowledge. Some of those who opposed them were also vehement in their expressions of opposition, and evinced a disposition far from that which characterizes the true Christian.

The confusion, and I might say uproar, which we witnessed on this occasion, reminded me of what is recorded in the New Testament, when the cry was, “Great is Diana of the Ephesians.” [†]

The Yearly Meeting closed on Third-day of the second week. Richmond Mid-week Meeting was next day, which I attended, and had religious service therein, to the relief and peace of my mind. John Wood was also there and had good service. His speech and his preaching are not with “enticing words of man’s wisdom but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power.”

From Richmond we went to Alum Creek, and I asked and obtained liberty of the Monthly Meeting to visit some families within their limits. At Greenwich there had been a large meeting, consisting of many young and youngish people, and some aged ones. But some disagreement arising among the heads of the meeting it had been laid down, and this neighborhood was without a Friends’ Meeting. It was in this locality I visited families, and endeavored to lay before Friends the necessity of each and every one doing his and her part towards healing the breaches that had been made; so that peace and harmony might be restored. I had heard nothing about the cause of the difficulty nor who was implicated therein, but during the visit, I was led to speak very plainly to some who I believed were causing trouble. One of this description, after our visit was over, offered to pilot us to another neighborhood, and was very friendly. After my return home I was told that some of the disaffected members who had caused the most trouble, endeavored to make friends (who were laboring to restore peace and harmony among them) believe, that I was in unity and fellowship with them; speaking in strong terms of approbation of the family visit. Among those was the individual who offered his services as pilot, but in a short time this man was taken dangerously ill and was nigh unto death. He then confessed that I compared him to Judas when I visited him and his family. Thus the eyes of some Friends who had been blinded, were opened to see that I had not been engaged in strengthening a perverse and contentious spirit.

While I was out on this visit I had an appointed meeting at Urbana, the capitol of Champaign Co., Ohio, which was held to good satisfaction. In this meeting I was led to speak on the subject of war—the peaceable nature of the Gospel—and the incompatibility of war with the precepts of our Savior, etc. It was marvelous in my eyes how the Lord gave me strength and wisdom to treat this subject. It being court week many of the principal men of the county were at the meeting, and it was a favored opportunity. I also appointed a meeting at Troy, the capitol of Miami Co., Ohio. This meeting was held in the Methodist Meetinghouse; and being induced by the judgment of another, contrary to my own sense of propriety, to take my seat in the pulpit, which was a very elevated one, the meeting was not so satisfactory as it might have been had I attended to the intimations of duty on my own mind. I would encourage ministers to attend strictly to the intimations of truth on their own minds, and not to be improperly influenced in such cases by others who may not feel the same scruples.

Fourth Month 26th, 1841.—You only know, oh holy Father, for what purpose you permit the overflowing surge thus often to come upon me. Yet I thank you, and can this moment acknowledge, that it is your arm of power, that only and alone can sustain me in these proving conflicts; for had you not interposed when the enemy has come in like a flood, I had been entirely undone, my confidence had failed, my foot had slidden into the gulf of despair. I had fainted had not your mercy upheld me, and given me to believe, that I should yet see and feel your goodness in the land of the living.

Fifth Month 7th.—Teach me, oh Lord, to number my days and to apply my heart unto wisdom. Few think enough about the termination of their existence here below; and the certainty of the coming of that moment when we shall hear the language—“Come you blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:” or “Depart from me, you cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.” I sometimes think my life is such a continual state of conflict and trial, that perhaps the sands in my hour-glass are nearly run. But if these trials and conflicts only tend to purify and refine me, I shall be very thankful that they have been dispensed.

It is not wealth, riches, or the honor of this world that I crave. It is not change of place or outward circumstances that will make me happy, but it is a mind resigned to do the Lord’s will, to follow Him whithersoever He is pleased to lead. This is what I desire more than any earthly gain.

But if this had been enough my concern for some years past, I should have been further advanced in my journey towards Zion, I should have been more resigned to the will of God, and more helpful in the Church Militant. Oh Lord, sanctify me thoroughly, that I may once more behold your glory and the excellency of your kingdom as in days past, and be prepared through mercy to ascribe all honor, glory, and thanksgiving unto you unto whom it belongs forever and forevermore. Amen.

Eleventh Month 2nd, 1842.—In taking a retrospect of the time past since the foregoing was written, I find that much of it has been spent under deep mental conflict which language cannot fully describe, yet not without some moments and hours of sunshine interspersed amidst the gloom. “For all I bless you most for the severe,” is the language that now pervades my heart; I bless, praise and magnify the name of the Lord, that He has been pleased to try me and prove me as in the night season—to withdraw the light of his countenance from me, and to enable me to feel and discover by his holy Spirit, my utter inability of myself to keep my place or habitation in the Truth. Oh, holy Father, forgive, I beseech you, the impatience of my spirit under those close and proving seasons, and teach me to abide patiently the turnings of your holy hand upon me, until all the dross, tin, and reprobate silver are consumed. Oh the unspeakable joy of that soul at times, whose meat and drink it is, to do the will of our Father in Heaven. Blessed, praised and adored be his holy name forever, and let all the world say amen; for He raises up the poor from the dunghill, He has compassion on the work of his hands, He has many and many a time plucked my feet out of the miry clay, and from the horrible pit has He again and again rescued me, even from the pit of despair, into which I should inevitably have sunk forever, had not the Lord heard my cry, and regarded the groanings of my spirit.

Twelfth Month 25th.—It is a day of peculiar trial to the rightly-exercised members of our religious Society. Many among us who once stood in conspicuous stations, and who were looked upon as waymarks, have joined as conspirators against the true Israel. Oh Lord God of Hosts be pleased to turn your hand upon the little ones, and raise up judges as at the first, and counsellors as in the beginning, and give not your heritage wholly to reproach. May it please you to open the eyes of the young people who are dismayed at the host that have encamped against your devoted servants, and against the blessed Truth as professed and upheld by our worthy predecessors. May it please you to open the eyes of the young and rising generation, who are honestly concerned for the support of our principles and testimonies, as you did the eyes of the servant of Elisha, to see your preserving power round about them who fear you: and that you send them help from your sanctuary, enabling them to overcome their spiritual enemies, and to put to flight the armies of the aliens who rise up to oppose the truth as it is in Jesus.

May the precious young people who are dismayed at the signs of the times, and who are crying out, “what shall we do; who shall show us any good?” be enabled to know for themselves the truth and the life as it is in Jesus, and come to walk therein.

Twelfth Month 4th, 1843.—There is now a spirit of libertinism rearing its head very high in many places. My spirit is grieved therewith, and earnestly have I desired, that I may be clear of promoting this spirit in anywise, either by injudicious remarks concerning it, or by withholding, when required to speak a word of caution, counsel or rebuke to those who are indulging therein. What sorrow does it give to those who are concerned to promote right things in the church! How it lays waste all right feelings, in the minds of those who give up to be led thereby. Great pretensions are being made by such to promote the truth; when their whole course of conduct is directly opposed thereto.

“My soul, come not you unto their secret, mine honor be not united to their assembly,”—for in their anger have they persecuted the righteous, “and in their self will have they digged down a wall.” Those who will not submit to their wily working, and insidious planning and plotting against the truth and its testimonies, and against those who stand up and oppose them in a Christian spirit, are trampled, as it were, under foot; and those who are led captive by them, lose their spiritual life, unless rescued by Divine interposition. They do indeed dig down a wall, they would lay waste all right, order and government in the church, and I would not wonder if many of them should become open ranters, with no foundation in the truth to rest upon.

Second Month 3rd, 1844.—I feel very weak and low in body and mind. Oh, that You would support, gracious Father, in these times of trial, when bodily health and strength are sinking low.

Third Month. 26th.—On reading the Journal of Thomas Scattergood, my heart has been bowed and contrited in consideration of his deeply tried path, particularly in England; and in considering, too, that the Lord is able to keep them, who submit to his wonder-working power in the temple of their hearts, from fainting and giving out under the fiery baptisms necessary for their own refinement, and for the sake of the Church.

May I be more willing to acquiesce in the dispensations of extreme poverty of spirit, weakness and desertion, which my Heavenly Father has been pleased to dispense unto me, a poor unworthy worm of the dust. How easy and possible it is for us to conclude in seasons of plenty and Divine favor, that we could bear these strippings and desertions with Christian patience and meekness, but when they come, who is able to endure them rightly? Surely none without the sustaining help of the Lord.

Eighth Month 20th.—It has been nearly two months since I have been out of the house, except once, having been confined to my room, and most of the time to my bed, during that period, by severe bodily illness; and, oh, the poverty of spirit my Heavenly Father has been pleased to dispense during this illness; so that the cry of my spirit by day and night could only be, Lord, have mercy upon me, mercy, unmerited mercy, is all that I have to depend upon. That mercy that comes through Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior! What will any poor creature do, who denies the blessed Savior! Surely the end of such a one must be miserable, unless favored to experience true repentance before taken hence.

Ninth Month 8th.—My health is so far recovered as to attend our Yearly Meeting held last week. I sat all the sittings through in much bodily weakness, sometimes two sittings a day. But shall I say it was to me a time of rejoicing? No, verily, this language was almost constantly with me during the week, on this wise, “My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death.” It appears to me that we will have to be searched from head to foot, and the superficial daubing removed. Oh, that we were the recipients of Divine regard to that extent which has been spoken of. It seems to me that the wounds, bruises and putrefying sores will have to be searched to the bottom, before we can say “the Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice;” Let us rather say at this time, “The Lord is in his holy habitation, let all the earth keep silence.”

11th.—It remains with me more fully to commemorate the lovingkindness of the Lord, and his wonder-working power manifested towards me during my late sore affliction; so that it appeared plain to me that miracles have not ceased. When under great bodily weakness and suffering, and but little prospect, if any, of recovery, this language, “I will come and heal you,” seemed the constant companion of my mind for some days; and when for a moment a doubt would arise as to my recovery, this would present, “Have faith in God.” Oh, it is his power, which brings to pass great and wonderful things, and when my bodily strength was so nearly exhausted in attending our late Yearly Meeting (as well as at other times) that I seemed ready to sink to the floor, this language, “I will help you, I will strengthen you,” has greatly revived me; being made at the same time a partaker of the promise. So that I feel bound to say, the Lord has been very gracious to me every way. Oh, that I may in true simplicity and faith unfeigned, learn to trust in Him at all times, dedicating my whole heart unto Him, and my body to his service; for “surely I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” In regard to attending religious meetings, I may say without boasting that I have not willfully or knowingly neglected my duty herein; but have often gone, when, if I had leaned to my own understanding, I should have concluded it impossible, or impracticable, so that the language of my heart is at this time, “Trust in the Lord, oh, my soul, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.”

Tenth Month 2nd.—Attended a neighboring Monthly Meeting last Second-day, in which my mind was much engaged for some present, among the young and middle-aged, and I had to revive the language, “Walk about Zion, and go round about her; tell the towers thereof. Mark you well her bulwarks, consider her palaces; that you may tell it to the generation following.” Expressing my belief that there were those present who were thus called upon to become acquainted with Zion, that they might tell it to the generations following. Dear ______ followed in supplication, and earnestly besought the Lord on behalf of some present, that they might be enabled to walk about Zion, etc. I thought we had a good meeting; dined at Thomas and Anna Edgerton’s, who had recently been bereaved of their dear mother and only brother by death. Before leaving their household, I felt constrained to bow in vocal supplication on their behalf, as well as my own. I know not that I ever felt more earnest and fervent in prayer to the Father of all our sure mercies, that He would be pleased to remember the prayers and exercise of departed Friends on behalf of those left behind, and prepare us to meet in heaven, those with whom we had taken sweet counsel, and who had earnestly prayed and labored for our preservation and safe landing. Oh, how impressively was my sister Deborah’s prayer, which she uttered just before her death, brought before the view of my mind at this time, beseeching the Lord to preserve her sisters in the hollow of his holy hand. And truly, in a wonderful manner, has this prayer been answered in regard to those who have since been removed from works to rewards.

Lodged that night at the house of our friend, J. E. In the morning the family were collected, as is their usual practice, and a portion of Scripture read. This portion of which sank deep into my mind: “Oh, that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men.” On considering the great deliverances He has wrought for his people in different ages, and his goodness and mercy towards my own soul, this language did indeed become the language of my heart, and my spirit was contrited within me.

Chapter III

- Prevalence of Erysipelas Fever

- Death of Her Father

- Exercises in Her Own Meeting, and on Behalf of Individuals About Home

- Starvation in Ireland

- A Religious Visit in Her Own Quarterly Meeting

- The Beginning of the Trouble of Gurneyism

Third Month 10th, 1845.—A wasting disease is in this part of our land. Many have been called from works to rewards within a short space of time. Oh, may this awful dispensation teach those who survive to apply their hearts unto wisdom. This disease is called the “black tongue or erysipelas fever.”

Fourth Month 4th.—This has been to me a day of uncommon temptation and trial, so that I have been forcibly reminded of that which is recorded in Holy Scripture when the Prophet saw Joshua the high priest, standing, and Satan on his right hand to resist him. Strength seemed just afforded today in meeting to cry in secret, “The Lord rebuke O Satan.” May it please You, oh, gracious God, never to permit me to cast away my confidence in You, as the enemy is tempting me to do; but, oh, be pleased to rebuke him, for You know the desire of my heart is to serve You only and alone.

Sixth Month 31st.—On the 27th of this month, my beloved father departed this life; a lingering disease had for some time threatened the termination thereof. He died in great sweetness, expressing a well grounded hope that through the Lord’s mercy his end would be peace; saying that he trusted that He who cared for the sparrows, would care for him. My spirit deeply feels the stroke, and although it was not unexpected, it is hard to be bereaved of a tender parent, who in advanced age retained his faculties, and whose daily concern was that all things might be done decently and in order, both with respect to spiritual and temporal things. To part with such a parent, especially at the present time of great liberty and libertinism in our Society, is a severe stroke. Centre down, oh, my soul, into a state of solemn inquiry, whether you are prepared to render up your accounts with joy. Oh, You who have taken from me my dearest earthly treasure, be pleased to prepare me to follow, though it may be through great tribulation.

Tenth Month 31st.—Oh, You who only can rightly prepare our hearts to offer the tribute of praise, or to pray acceptably to You, You know my soul is sorely tried and tempted. Be pleased to enable me to bear the turnings and overturnings of your holy hand upon me, and enable me to see, and to escape the snares of the wicked one. Be pleased to deliver me from the “snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence, that walks at noonday,” even the pestilence of darkness and deceit that is taking captive and slaying so many of this once highly favored society, oh, slay not all in your wrath, but in wrath remember mercy.

Eleventh Month 2nd.—I sat silent in our meeting today, which is most commonly the case. Oh, that I may never dare to move in the line of the ministry without a fresh anointing for the work and service; for I have seen a snare which the enemy has laid and is laying, to catch the feet of ministers of our religious Society; insinuating into their minds, and into the minds of others, that to wait for such a renewed qualification, and putting forth from time to time of the good Shepherd of his sheep, in the work of the ministry, is not essentially necessary, nor to be insisted upon to such a degree, as was upheld and maintained by early Friends. In the day of my espousals, in hours of extremity, and times never to be forgotten, the Lord opened my understanding by his own illuminating power and spirit, to see the nature and worth of true spiritual and living ministry; and how all who are called and chosen as the ministers of Christ, must of necessity know a repeated and thorough washing in the river of judgment, and experience the axe laid to the root of the corrupt tree, and all that his righteous controversy is with eradicated from the temple of the heart. Oh, what sweet unity, sympathy and fellowship did my spirit feel in those days with our early Friends, who bore the scorn, scoffings, and persecutions of the highly professing Christians of that day; and it was then given me clearly to see, that if we in this day of ease to the flesh, and liberty of conscience, would, and do, maintain, our principles and testimonies inviolate (as did our first Friends), we must assuredly come to experience as they did, a going down into suffering and death with Christ; that as “he was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we also should walk in newness of life.” Oh, how was I then given to see in the visions of the eternal light and glory of the dear Son and Sent of God—the Lord Jesus Christ—into the fallen, degenerate and dead condition of man by nature; yes, the Lord gave me sensibly to feel, and powerfully too, that Adam after he ate of the forbidden fruit, lost all his sight and sense of good spiritually, and that he had nothing in his nature left, whereby he could seek after, or desire the presence of his Creator, from whom he hid himself in the day of his transgression. And although I had read this account in the Holy Scriptures, and never did otherwise than assent to the truth thereof, as far as my natural understanding could embrace it, yet until my Heavenly Father, in his great and wonderful dealings with me, gave me to see and feel the state of man in the fall, as clearly set forth in the writings of early Friends, agreeably to Scripture testimony, but especially in Barclay’s Apology, it had remained a mystery to me, and must have remained a mystery, had not the Lord revealed it to me by his own power and holy spirit.

Also man’s restoration and redemption out of the fall by that one offering of Himself on the cross, made by our Lord Jesus Christ, in its two-fold nature, was clearly revealed to me at that time. Oh, happy day of gospel light and gospel power. I saw clearly that our justification goes no farther than our sanctification; that sanctification must and does precede justification, according to the words of the Apostle, “But you are washed, but you are sanctified, but you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”

Eleventh Month 5th.—I sat in our meeting today under much exercise and concern that I might not withhold any thing given me for others. Some having expressed concern, and wonder that my mouth is so generally closed in our meetings for worship. I clearly saw that I might arise under a great weight of exercise, which this day as well as at many other times, has impressed my mind; that we as a people, once eminently favored to experience heavenly good, might more and more seek for ability to worship God in spirit and in truth, feeling strong desires in my heart that the life and power of religion might be duly sought after, believing if this was the case, we would feel our heavenly Father’s presence among us, to the comforting and strengthening of our hearts, when thus assembled; but waiting to hear the word of command on this wise, “You give them something to eat,” I felt that I had not that command given that would warrant utterance. May I ever dwell so low and humble as to be preserved from sinning with my lips in the congregation of the Lord’s people. For when ministers begin to lean to their own understanding, and warm themselves with sparks of their own kindling, who can tell where the end may be? I do not say or think that I have always been careful to wait for sufficient clearness as to the subject, the time when to speak and when to stop. And I have been deficient with respect to my manner of speaking, sometimes speaking too loud and too fast, so as to diminish the weight of that which otherwise might have been more profitable. Oh! that by increasing attention to the Master’s voice, I may become what He would have me to be, and experience the silence of all flesh in such assemblies.

7th.—Visited a sick friend, who appears to be near the winding up of her earthly pilgrimage. I could feelingly sympathize with her when she complained of a feeling of great destitution, having felt myself for some time past like a pelican of the wilderness. But upon the friend’s saying, “Oh! that you would get down and feel with me, and see how poor and destitute I am,” the spirit of supplication seemed poured out upon me, and this language was silently though powerfully breathed forth, “Lord, You know how frail and destitute we are, not able of ourselves to breathe one living desire unto You; Oh! have mercy upon us, and help us, if it be your holy will.” After which, a sensible feeling of consolation was extended, and towards evening the sick friend remarked, what a comfortable afternoon this has been; on being asked in what respect, she replied, “In almost every way.” Oh! that it may be my constant concern to keep the word of his patience who afflicts not willingly, nor grieves the children of men, but who in all the fiery trials and baptisms which He permits to come upon them while the day of their visitation lasts, has their sanctification in view.

When He withdraws his sensible presence from me and veils the light of his glorious countenance, may I never make an image, but abide in the furnace through these proving conflicts until He is pleased to return, or again show Himself for my comfort. I felt this day a song of praise to pervade my heart for the goodness of the Lord and for his wonderful works to the children of men.

Same date.—I had a visit from two Hicksite cousins. Before they left I felt it right to tell them, that I believed there was no other name given under heaven, whereby we can be saved, but by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth; that it is through and by Him we must experience redemption, if we ever experience it, etc. They appeared to receive kindly what I had to say, and the opportunity ended to satisfaction, so far that I felt relieved of a burden that rested on my mind on their account.

12th.—Had some conversation with an individual who is under conviction that it would be right for her to use the plain language, thee and thou to one person, but is evidently evading the cross, pleading the excuse that her education has been so different and her surroundings such that she finds it very hard, and the cross very great. She tried to comply with the requisition, but found herself greatly in the mixture. She is not a member among Friends. I encouraged her to be faithful, telling her that He who required the sacrifice and had given her to see that it was her duty, would enable her to comply if rightly sought unto and followed. That although of ourselves we are not able to bring about a resignation of our wills, or to take up the cross, yet it is important that we should look for help and strength unto Him who has all power, etc. She appeared to receive kindly what I said, and seemed thankful and thoughtful. When we feel the stirrings and quickening influence on our minds of Him who opens and no man shuts, and shuts, and no man opens, to speak a word for his cause, and truth’s sake, Oh! then, how unsafe to fear the frowns of man, or the face of man.

Visited the sick friend before alluded to, who is fast sinking, but expressed a comfortable hope that through the mercy of God through Christ Jesus, she would be permitted to land safely. Upon my remarking that I had this hope for her, that a living hope was better than a dead faith; and that of ourselves we could do no good thing, being poor, frail unworthy creatures, etc., she replied, “Oh! it is the truth; I have long felt it to be so, but never so particularly as since I was laid on this sick bed. It is through mercy, unmerited mercy, that we are enabled to feel any thing that is good.” Before leaving, I said to her that if she had any counsel for me, I hoped she would not withhold it. After a little pause, she said, “I have been thinking a great deal about our poor Society. It seems to me that many of those who stood in the foremost ranks are gone—Oh! that the things which remain may be strengthened; Oh! that you may be faithful. Be faithful, and strengthen the little flock that is left. You have been greatly favored, may it continue to be so.” At this time the Gurneyites in our Yearly Meeting seemed to bear down everything before them, which was a great burden to this dear Friend, as well as to many others; yet she said, that she saw a little living remnant preserved in our midst, and greatly desired the encouragement of these. I have felt myself amply rewarded for endeavoring to abide in the patience, under the proving feelings of poverty and desertion which have been meted out to me of latter time,—feeling now and then a capacity given me, to sympathize with the destitute and afflicted in body and in mind, being able to say my soul knows well what those seasons are, and that the Lord delights to show forth his marvelous power in the time of our greatest extremity; therefore, the language of my heart is, “Rejoice in the Lord, Oh, you righteous, for praise is comely for the upright. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.”

23rd.—Heard some passages read from Scott’s Diary, which had a consoling effect upon my mind, having been for some days past under great exercise and travail of soul. It seemed as if the weight of mountains, comparatively speaking, rested upon me, and were it not for the ability given to cry secretly unto the Lord for help, I could scarcely refrain from crying aloud, even in the presence of others, under the weight that I feel. But this passage is at times brought before me with life, “Why are you cast down, O my soul? and why are you disquieted within me? hope you in God: for I shall yet praise Him for the help of his countenance.” And, blessed be his name, a little ability has been given me to wash and anoint, rather than appear unto men to fast; and I have been narrowly reviewing my steps.

First Month 17th, 1846.—Spent some time this evening reading in the Journal of Thomas Scattergood; and it is renewedly sealed upon my mind that the great exercise and travail of soul, that he passed though in England and America, in his ministerial labors, were designed as a particular call and warning to those among us in the ministry, not to trust to, or lean to our own understandings in our religious movements. Oh! how abased, how shut up, how exceedingly stripped, tried and tempted, did our Heavenly Father permit him to become, not only for a day or a month, but for months together. Oh! how unlike many in the present day, who run without being sent, and preach without the Lord’s anointing, or command, saying the Lord says, albeit He has not spoken by them. How tried and proven some are now, who nevertheless desire above all things, even in the midst of suffering, to hold fast their integrity, and concerning outward trials, that which afflicts more than anything else is false brethren.

Second Month 4th.—Tempted, tried and proven, even to a hair’s breadth—what further plungings and wadings the Lord may permit me to go through, I know not; but all that I ask, all that I desire is, that my spiritual life may be given me for a prey. Who that passes through these seasons of stripping and proving, and are again raised up with their faith and hope renewed, but can with great abasedness of self, acknowledge that there is nothing in our nature, no, not a vestige or particle that can further our salvation. It is all the gift of God through Jesus Christ our Lord, that can keep us in the hour of temptation. It is his own immediate interposition which has preserved me from utter despair. Oh! what shall I render unto Him for preserving me in and through hours of darkness and doubt, from casting away my confidence, and making shipwreck of faith and hope. Surely, nothing but mercy, unmerited mercy, have I to trust to. It is not by works of righteousness that we have done but according to his mercy He saves us “through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” Thanks be ascribed unto You, you King of Saints, for rescuing me from the jaw of the lion, and the paw of the bear.

16th.—Today had a comfortable silent meeting in which my heart was bowed down in solemn supplication to the Father of mercies, in the language of David, “Give ear, O, Shepherd of Israel, You that lead Joseph like a flock; you that dwell between the cherubim, shine forth. Before Ephraim, and Benjamin, and Manasseh stir up your strength, and come and save us.” Oh, the disposition there is among us to modify Quaker principles and make them more agreeable to the spirit of the world, and the worldly wise. This disposition is increasing, but thanks be ascribed to our holy Leader, He has shown the bait to his honest-hearted children, and enabled them to cry—“A lion, my Lord, I stand continually upon the watch-tower in the daytime, and I am set in my ward whole nights.” A lion is in his lurking places prepared to catch men as they sit down to rest, as did the young prophet, and to become overtaken by the old and professedly experienced ones, who entreat them to turn aside, and to eat and to drink with those with whom they have been forbidden to partake.

Sixth Month 13th.—On reading a letter from Ann Crowley to Thomas Scattergood, a little hope sprang up in my heart, that as others had been as deeply tried with fears and doubts respecting a safe landing as myself, perhaps the day might before long dawn, when a ray of living hope might dispel the midnight gloom, and my captive spirit be enabled to take fresh courage and to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and not to lean to my own understanding. “O the hope of Israel, the Savior thereof in time of trouble; why should you be as a stranger in the land, and as a wayfaring man that turns aside to tarry for a night?”

I have recently obtained a Minute from the Monthly Meeting to visit some meetings within the limits of Stillwater and Short Creek Quarterly Meetings. But oh the baptisms necessary to be endured for such a work! Oh, holy Father strengthen me to perform what you require and nothing less or more, and whether I suffer or rejoice with the righteous seed, your will be done.

Seventh Month 21st.—My mind is impressed with the necessity of spending time in reverence and godly fear. Oh, time, time, how precious—Lord be pleased to enable me to spend it aright.

Eighth Month 10th.—A little living hope now and then springs up in my heart, that I am not and shall not be forsaken of the Lord, if grace and faith fail not; but oh, how close the enemy is permitted to come; truly my soul can say from living experience, and that renewedly even many times from day to day, I had fainted unless the Lord had by his holy Spirit lifted up a standard against the floods of the enemy. How can I enough admire the goodness of the Lord and magnify his name, under the humbling consideration of the marvelous deliverances from the pit of despair which he has wrought for my soul. Last Seventh-day the conflict of my mind was beyond description, and I plainly felt and saw, that nothing save an Almighty interposing power could give or command deliverance; and to think of attending a neighboring meeting the next day under such feelings! but the requirement seeming to be right I went, and though I sat silently among the few who attended, yet in the afternoon, feelings of thanksgiving and praise were raised in my heart unto Him who is often pleased to hide his face from me, and permit my soul to go on mournfully; but as I believe these dispensations are designed to keep me in my proper allotment, I can thankfully say I bless the Lord for them.

11th.—My heart today, as well as at many other times, has been engaged in supplication unto the Lord for mercy and preservation. Blessed be God who gives me a heart susceptible of tender impressions and ability to crave a continuance of his compassionate regard. No matter what I suffer, so that I am kept in the way of the Lord’s requiring.

23rd.—Great have been the tossings of mind which I have experienced of latter time, with but little intermission; but today my heavenly Father (blessed be his name forever) gave the word of command to the winds and waves, and behold a great calm. How can I be thankful enough for the favor. In those moments and days of tossing the prayer of my heart has been, that if these proving dispensations were occasioned by unfaithfulness, or anything done or not done by me, with which the Lord was displeased, I might be permitted to see it and repent thereof; but I have not felt condemnation. When will I learn to endure tribulation rightly and let patience have her perfect work.

Ninth Month.—Our Yearly Meeting is past. Oh, who could have thought that our Society would have ever exhibited the aspect that it now does, that of having to so great an extent become as Ephraim of old. It is written, “Ephraim, he has mixed himself among the people; strangers have devoured his strength and he knows it not.” I have forborne to write much concerning the state of things among us, but my heart is at times almost overwhelmed with sorrow on account of the state of many among us, yes of very many.

The great Head of the Church is hastening the time, yes it is begun; when judgment shall “run down as waters;” and oh hasten you also the time, when righteousness, pure undefiled righteousness, shall be as “a mighty stream.” In the last sitting of the Select Yearly Meeting, I felt a great concern to speak of the state of the ministry among us. The subject had rested with me as a great burden, and when the time came for me to unburden my mind, I gave up thereto, and felt a great calm, and holy quiet to pervade my mind all the evening afterwards. Such a quietude and song of praise filled my heart as had not often been surpassed in my experience. I felt it right for me to say in that meeting, that I believed there was a ministry gotten up in our religious Society which the Lord would rend; that He has had, continues to have, and will continue to have, a controversy therewith—a ministry which is exercised in all the deceivableness of unrighteousness in the will and wisdom of the creature. That this ministry claimed, and brought to view past experience; and in the modulation and modification of the voice, gesture, etc., all was calculated to deceive. That many times no fault could be found with the doctrine advanced, yet lacking the life and power, it was offensive in the sight of God. Though it had been a great burden upon my spirit, yet I had felt a secret rejoicing that there was that which could not be deceived, even the elect and precious seed, Christ the chosen of God.

Tenth Month 27th.—The heart-rending considerations that often take hold of my mind concerning the state of our religious Society, are accompanied with a daily fear that I myself will yet fall a prey to the wiles of the adversary who is transforming himself into an angel of Light. That many are taken captive by a specious pretence, that early Friends in their doctrinal writings are chargeable with many discrepancies and errors. Thus are the adversaries of truth, even many, in conspicuous stations; and in many places trying to lay waste, not only the reputation of early Friends, but to destroy the foundation of the Christian’s hope as upheld, believed in, and promulgated by them. Alas for the framers of this Babel; alas for the poor deceived and deluded ones who follow them, when the vials of the wrath and vengeance of an offended God is poured out upon a gainsaying and rebellious people. Those among us who think and say, that the doctrines of our religious Society are not in accordance with the pure truths of the Gospel as set forth by Christ and his Apostles in the Scriptures of truth, shall be as when a “hungry man dreams, and behold, he eats; but he awakes, and his soul is empty. Or as when a thirsty man dreams, and behold, he drinks; but he awakes, and behold, he is faint, and his soul has appetite.” Alas, when these awake to a sense of their real condition, they will find themselves to have been strangely deluded and led away from the flock and fold of Christ. This is my firm belief concerning all those among us who are calling in question the doctrines and testimonies of this Society as upheld and promulgated by our first Friends.

Eleventh Month 8th.—It has been many months past that I have felt no command to open my mouth in the ministry in our meetings for worship at home. Some of these meetings have been seasons of inexpressible exercise of mind and deep conflict of soul; insomuch that I have almost despaired of life. But the Lord who raises the dead and quickens whom He will, has not wholly cast me off at such times, but has kept me alive, and given me to see that He will have it so. That his ministers shall be as flaming fire; and notwithstanding the great efforts made even by many in high standing in this day of ease to evade the cross; teaching people so, by endeavoring to please the natural mind; yet, in his inscrutable wisdom, He will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent, and the wisdom of the wise, who are so in their own eyes, and the eyes of the worldly wise. “He will not give his glory to another, nor his praise to graven images.” Oh the reduction that the Lord’s ministers must again, and again, experience. My soul is exceedingly fearful for the state of many among us, both ministers and hearers. May the Lord purge us until the will of the creature is slain, and the Kingdom received as a little child.

Second Month 13th, 1847.—Accounts from Ireland are increasingly painful and awful. It is stated that hundreds have already starved to death, while hundreds and thousands more are in a state of starvation. Who can but mingle the tear of sympathy and sorrow with these unhappy people, while every effort in our power should be made to alleviate their suffering condition. People in this country seem generally awakened to an interest for them, and much is doing in many places in forwarding supplies of food. I can hardly take my usual meals; the thought of their suffering being heart sickening as well as heart rending. Who knows how soon or when this cup of famine may pass over to other nations. Are we not deserving such a judgment? And it is only in mercy that it is not sent for us to drink. Full fed and ungrateful as we are, who would marvel, if in his righteous indignation, who rules the nations, and unto whom belongs every beast of the field and the cattle upon a thousand hills, that He the Lord should cut off our resources of necessary food and give us the cup of famine to drink? Even if this cup should pass from us, other judgments may come, equally alarming and trying to bear; for we are as a nation high and lifted up, and the Lord in his own time will bring down and permit the nations of men to be shaken.

The life and labors of my beloved father often come up before the view of my mind as a sweet memorial of his constancy and firmness, through good report and evil report. He was no flatterer, but with firmness did he resist the doctrinal innovations of Elias Hicks and his followers; and also with equal firmness did he resist the innovations which are making their way in the Society by the introduction and spread of unsound writings. Often saying to some of his friends, that his exercise and interest for the welfare of society increased as his bodily strength declined. Greatly desiring that a testimony might go forth against the unsound writings of Joseph John Gurney, through much bodily weakness and suffering, he attended a Meeting for Sufferings held at Mount Pleasant, not more than two weeks before his death, for the purpose of issuing a testimony against those writings; and in that meeting he labored in the authority of Truth for the support of our principles and testimonies. After this meeting was over he said to a Friend, who inquired of him how he felt, “I am weak and a great sufferer, but I am glad I have been here. I am willing to be trod upon,” alluding to the opposition to a testimony being prepared against the unsound writings of Joseph John Gurney. Oh, that I may be permitted through mercy to receive in the winding up of my time here, as was doubtless the experience of my beloved father, the answer of well done, or a “crown of glory that fades not away.” Oh for faith and patience to wade through the remaining conflicts which may be permitted to attend me through my future pilgrimage in this life.

I feel that in a late and long mental conflict which has been permitted to attend me, that the powers of the earth have been in some degree shaken; and it seems to me that the language of the Apostle Peter is in some degree applicable to, and descriptive of, such a state—“But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up.”

Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be in all holy conduct and godliness. Looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat. Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwells righteousness. Wherefore, beloved, seeing that you look for such things, be diligent, that you may be found of Him in peace, without spot, and blameless.

Agreeing with the foregoing is the language of another Apostle—“Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven. And this word, yet once more, signifies the removing of those things that are shaken, as of things that are made; that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.”

Consonant with the foregoing is the language of the Prophet Isaiah—“The earth is utterly broken down. The earth is clean dissolved. The earth is moved exceedingly. The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard, and shall be removed like a cottage; and the transgression thereof shall be heavy upon it; and shall fall and not rise again.” We who are making profession of the Christian religion, who are holding forth the necessity of being baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost; who are recommending and urging the necessity of people experiencing the new birth—of witnessing the laver of regeneration to wash the inner temple of the heart—we who are professing to be led and guided by the Spirit of Truth which leads out of all error into all truth; what do we know of these things of which the Apostles speak? What do we know of the day of the Lord burning as an oven; consuming the chaff, tin and reprobate silver—the chaffy nature in us, the earthly sensual lusts and appetites which war against the coming of Christ’s kingdom?

What do we know of the whole heart being given up to the work and service of the Lord; and consequently a previous preparation for such work and service, namely, the will of the creature slain; and the understanding of the natural man brought to naught, and the Lord alone exalted and his kingdom set up in our hearts? We who are preaching to the people the necessity of this change of heart; professing to believe that as we follow the Lord Jesus Christ, He will work this glorious change in us; that He will “create in us a clean heart and renew a right spirit within us.” That the new heavens and the new earth wherein dwells righteousness, shall take the place of the old heavens and the old earth. What do we know of this blessed, glorious change being wrought in us?

Seeing then that we look for such things, that we hold up the necessity of such a change, how ought we to demean ourselves; how ought we to guard our conversation; how diligent should we be, to hasten the coming of that day, by submitting to the cleansing operation of the Spirit of Christ. Much might be said on this subject, but suffice it for me to add—May the Lord perfect the work of sanctification in me, so that that which is of the earth and earthy, may be thoroughly removed; and a new heart and a new life be mine; amen and amen.

Third Month 15th.—Everything around me appears solemn. Time, my time, is very precious. I can though, in fear and trembling hope, that through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, I may be preserved in watchfulness and prayer, and be permitted to make a peaceful close. Oh! it is a time of great searching of heart. Last Seventh-day week was the time of our Quarterly Meeting, in which it appeared right for me to say—“That although I believed the Lord’s mercy was round about to gather us; and to bring us to repentance; yet an awful consideration had taken hold of my mind concerning those who say they are Jews and are not; but do lie, but are of the synagogue of Satan; believing that the wrath and indignation of Almighty God was impending on account thereof. Those who were willing and desirous to be thought the followers of Christ, making a profession of being led and guided by the Spirit of Truth; yet are refusing to submit to the heart-cleansing operation of the holy Spirit, which would enable them to offer an offering acceptable unto God; it seemed to me that our Heavenly Father was weary with such, and that his indignation was impending therefor. It is an awful thing thus to speak, but the reward is only found by being faithful.

18th.—In reading and tracing the accounts of many valuable and worthy servants of the Most High, I find that their lives were tribulated; and some through great tribulations, were permitted to partake seldom of the bread of the Governor, even as Nehemiah. Oh, my God! you order all things for your glory, as there is an entire dependence upon you. I beg, yes crave, that my heart may be increasingly devoted unto you, and your service; that whatever tribulations I may have yet to pass through it may redound to the glory and praise of your excellent name. Should these lines ever meet the view of any poor tribulated soul; let me say to such a one, the Lord knows your condition; He hears your groanings, your sighs, and tears; the anguish and grief of your spirit, are all plain before Him, though you know it not. And if you wait in patience, and do not stir up your Beloved before He pleases; He will in his own time come “leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.” He will put down all opposition which rises in your mind to retard the spread and growth of his pure and glorious word, and power in your heart; and though he tarry, wait for Him, and let the prayer of your heart be on this wise: “Until the day break and the shadows flee away, turn my beloved; and be like a roe, or a young deer upon the mountains of Bether.” Yes, desire not you that He will satisfy your longing soul until He sees fit, until He disperse all shadows, all types, all things which tend to veil your mind from enjoying the substance, the essence, the marrow, the kernel of religion—Christ in you the hope of glory.

21st.—Attended our meeting at Flushing. Great was my desire for this little company, that the Lord would awaken them to a sense of their true state. Oh, that He would raise the dead, is often the cry of my spirit without the intervention of words. Many wonder at my mouth being so generally closed in our meetings for worship. It seems to me I see a cause; how have we become degenerated, trusting in the arm of flesh; and what a flow of words do we often hear which have but little of the demonstration of the Spirit and power to recommend them to the attention of the people. Oh my soul bows before God; and mourning as a garment covers me, which I desire not to cast off until the Lord’s appointed time. Then if He sees fit to give me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, then may my soul rejoice; and not till then presume to take upon me to praise and magnify with the tongue; when the command is to mourn in secret, and wash and anoint, rather than to appear unto men to fast. The Lord only knows the tribulations of my soul, and how my spirit craves to serve Him faithfully through all the remainder of my days; which I sometimes think will not be many. Oh, that I may be found worthy to enter into everlasting rest, when time here to me shall be no more.

Fourth Month 2nd.—Appointed a Meeting for Worship last First-day for the colored inhabitants of this neighborhood, which was in some degree relieving to my mind. Having felt a concern for a long time, respecting appointing a meeting among the Presbyterians, about four miles distant from my home, and having obtained liberty of my Monthly Meeting for the purpose of appointing some meetings from among Friends, I ventured to mention it to some Friends, and being encouraged thereto, the subject was laid before some of their leading members, or Elders, who assented thereto except one; who said, their minister was absent and they could not grant the liberty until his return, and not without his approbation. I feel peaceful and easy in having thus far endeavored to obtain a meeting among them. If they refuse the liberty of holding such a meeting, I then believe I shall be clear.

Fourth Month 7th.—Attended West Grove Meeting. It was to me a low and painful time, the life of religion being, I fully believe, at a very low ebb in that place. I had to revive this language: “God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those which are bound with chains, etc.;” expressing my belief, that although it might be only a solitary one, or a solitary few, in a meeting, or neighborhood, who were desiring to serve the Lord, or did faithfully serve Him; that in his own time He would make a way for their enlargement and deliverance, and “give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” But with the lukewarm, the careless and indifferent, the casual attender of meetings, or those who made it a matter of convenience, preferring the things of this world to their best interest; with these I believed the Lord was weary, who say they are Jews and are not, but do lie. Oh, He is jealous of his honor; He will not give his glory to another, or “his praise to graven images.” I had to warn them of their danger, and left them with a heavy heart.

8th.—Attended Harrisville Meeting. It is painful to see how some of our members who have given up to go where they please, and run as they list, have become divested even of common civility, and good breeding in our Meetings for Worship; having given up to mix with all the popular associations of the day, such as Abolition, Temperance, etc. They despise those who believe it best and right for Friends to act upon religious ground, and in a society capacity, in their petitions and efforts for the extermination of these evils. Oh how some, while they are full of argument and run into many notions respecting these subjects, do at the same time trample upon the principles of the Christian religion; evincing that they are not what they profess to be, being enemies to the cross of Christ.

They will have their day, so in a time to come, perhaps when it is too late to make amends; they will find that their garments are moth-eaten; that they are wells without water; and having committed two evils, “forsaken the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” They will have nothing to depend upon that will afford them consolation in a trying time; and “leaning their hand upon the wall of the house to which they have fled for safety, a serpent shall bite them.” I had to warn these of the dangerous situation they were in, and call their attention to the necessity of turning to the Lord, who had often shown them the danger of the way which they were pursuing. I had also a word of encouragement for the honest-hearted among them, and returned home peaceful, and thankful for having been strengthened to labor honestly and faithfully among them, notwithstanding some seemed ready to mock at what was delivered.

Seventh Month 8th.—“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me!” was the language of the blessed Redeemer on the cross, when suffering for the sins of the whole world. Oh, the agony of the dear Son of God at that moment. May a recollection of this incite me to think nothing hard which He permits to attend me through this pilgrimage. For “He, who knew no sin, suffered that ignominious death,” for poor vile man, “the just for the unjust;” how shall not we, with the strength and ability which He gives, learn to bear all things patiently; and so “fill up the measure of the sufferings of Christ which are behind for his body’s sake, which is the Church.”

Last Monthly Meeting I returned the Minute granted me in the Third Month to visit some meetings within the limits of our own Quarterly Meeting, and to appoint some meetings among those not professing with Friends.

Although this visit was the most exercising one which I ever performed among Friends, owing to the unsettled state of our religious Society by the introduction of unsound doctrines among us, yet I was favored, as I thought, to discharge myself faithfully, and leave the result to Him who sees the end from the beginning; and will reward us according to our deeds. Oh, the cruel censures which are heaped upon the faithful in this day—Lord enable them to bear all things patiently for your name’s sake; and for the cause they have espoused; and for their own soul’s sake. I felt like being nailed to the cross in this little visit among our own members; and in Smithfield Monthly Meeting this language often ran through my mind: “It is finished.” The cup of suffering drank there mingled with the wormwood and gall, was bitter in the extreme; and yet I felt thankful on leaving the place, that strength had been given me to speak what appeared to me to be the whole counsel of God: and left them with but little prospect of ever again sitting in that meeting under its present low, lifeless—what if I say, libertine condition. At Short Creek Monthly Meeting the state of the ministry was alluded to as being unwholesome, and not edifying. This seemed trying; but I came away satisfied with doing what I believed the Master required. Glorified be his name forever, and let all the earth say, amen.

Chapter IV

- Visits Families about Home

- Great Exercises of Mind

- Visit to a Sick Neighbor

- Exercises Continued, and the Spring of the Ministry in Great Measure Closed Up

- A Visit to Miriam Ellis, on Her Deathbed

- The Funeral of Miriam Ellis

- Her Labors and Concern Relative to California Gold-hunting

Tenth Month.—Various have been the exercises of my mind since I penned a line in this book of memorandums. Our annual assembly has been passed by for several weeks, and yet the state of things exhibited among us at that time is daily in my remembrance. When will better days arrive? is often the language of my heart. When will this people be sufficiently humbled, so as to “offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness, and true holiness,” as in days that are past? Oh, gracious God! you have permitted this people to drink the cup of trembling. You have poured out your fury upon us, so that we have become a byword, a taunt, and ridicule to all who behold us. Our enemies scornfully deriding us, say, where is their God? This have you permitted to come upon us because of our transgressions, and our many and grievous back-slidings; and yet we are not humbled in your sight. Oh, holy and eternal One; my soul most of all craves, with respect to myself, and with respect to my people; that your “hand may not spare nor your eye pity” us, until you make us what you would have us to be—even to speak the same language, by minding the same thing, by minding the dictates of your holy Spirit, which “leads out of all error into all Truth.”

Twelfth Month 30th.—It is cause of inexpressible gratitude to the Author of all our sure mercies that, although I have of late passed through a severe struggle between hope and despondency; yet I am at this moment able to lift up my head and with a degree of living and heartfelt thankfulness to exclaim—“hitherto has the Lord helped me.” In a late visit to some of the meetings in the two northern quarters, I sometimes felt great peace and quietude of mind; but most especially in the attendance of one appointed in a neighborhood where but few members reside. Such was the sensibly-felt presence, and flow of our heavenly Father’s love, in, and after the meeting, that an anthem of praise, constantly filled my heart for some hours afterwards; even that feeling whereunto no sorrow was added. Blessed be God, who has this day renewed a little grain of faith and hope in me. May I be accounted worthy of such a favor, through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus.

Third Month 28th, 1848.—Those who think they have any natural faculty, constitutional part, or principle inherent in them, whereby they are enabled to discover the way of life and salvation; or by such a faculty, or principle, enabled to walk in this way; have a different view of the natural mind of man from myself. I believe, as the Holy Scriptures declare, in relation to man in this natural state, “that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” None who see and feel by the light and power of the gospel, their condition as it really is by nature, can say, they have any inherent holiness, constitutional part, or principle in them, to direct them in the way of life, and salvation. It is all through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, that we are favored to see ourselves as we really are in the fall; and to obtain victory over our natural corrupt propensities, and desires; and also the suggestions and temptations of the adversary of our soul’s peace.

Fifth Month 14th.—Today our Public Meeting was large; many attending who are not in profession with us. Oh, how my heart was bowed before the Lord in secret, silent prayer and praise. Earnestly was my spirit enabled to cry unto Him for his protecting power to keep down and restrain that which would be soaring above his true witness in the heart. Humble and contrite us, oh Lord! are the breathings of my soul, while my mouth is closed from vocal utterance. I felt very thankful at this time in the belief, that the Lord had not forsaken us: and blessing and thanksgiving are due unto Him, in that He raised up a people who in the beginning of this Society, were so eminently favored with his life-giving power and presence. Surely we should now, as a Society, be very differently situated if our hearts were more devoted to the Lord—more loosened from the things of the world, and set on things above. Oh, the unspeakable value of being brought into a capacity to worship God in spirit and in truth—of silently adoring the Almighty One. What signifies all the noise of words, if that power which is the crown, diadem, beauty, and excellency of religious assemblies, be lacking. All without this is vain. No true enjoyment to hungry souls. If friends were more alive to the importance of possessing the Truth as it is in Jesus—of becoming vessels fitted and prepared for the Master’s use, how would He deign to meet with them as in former days; He would “beautify his sanctuary, and make the place of his feet glorious.”

Fifth Month.—I cannot think that my Heavenly Father has entirely forgotten me, or wholly forsaken me; though I am, or seem to myself to be, like a “pelican of the wilderness, or like an “owl of the desert,” or “alone as a sparrow upon the house-top.” Though my mouth is closed in our meetings, and I sit as a wonder to many, yet far, very far, from apathy of feeling or unconcern is my heart. The Lord knows, before whom I lie not, that my desire is to serve Him only, and Him alone; and although He seems to shut up his compassion from me oftentimes; yet the language of my spirit is—“My soul longs, yes even faints for the courts of the Lord.” I look back upon the past, when He was pleased to manifest himself to me, so as to refresh me greatly; but now the recollection of those seasons adds grief to my sorrow, fearing as I sometimes fear, that I have, or shall by some misdemeanor, wholly cut myself off from a return of the beloved of souls.

Oh, how does my spirit crave in our Meetings for Worship, as well as at other times, that our beloved young people, as also the middle-aged, may be so wrought upon by the good hand of the Lord, as not only to give up their names to serve Him, but through the spirit of judgment, and of burning, become standard-bearers in his Church, that will go no more out; and yet when every feeling of my heart is prostrated on their behalf, as it often is in our religious meetings, how presumptuous would it be for me, either in vocal supplication, exhortation, or ministry, to open my mouth, unless a Divine command to speak was super-added to my exercise. Oh, that the Lord would lay his chastening hand upon them, and make them heirs of his Kingdom. “I will make you sick in smiting you, in making you desolate,” is a language which I think some will have to realize in their experience, before they are prepared to give up their names to serve the Lord. Oh, hasten the work, you preserver of men!

Eighth Month 9th.—I feel like a prisoner in bonds. Last Monthly Meeting I obtained liberty to visit some families belonging to my own Monthly Meeting, and some who are not members; also to appoint some meetings among those not in membership with us. I have visited fourteen families and appointed two meetings, which afforded me some relief and peace, as respected those families and meetings. But oh, the conflicts of my spirit for some time past; the Lord only knows the trials to which I am subjected; the temptations, the buffetings, etc., of the unwearied enemy of my soul. In most of the families visited, and in the meetings appointed, a sweet and undoubted evidence was given me, that it was the Lord’s requisition which induced this visit; and that He verified his promise which He made me when I set out, namely: “I will go before you and be your rearward;” yet since my way seemed to close up, the enemy has tried in many deep laid plans to shake my faith in that all-protecting power which has so lately been to me as a sun and a shield, and who at times, while engaged in this little visit, enabled me “out of weakness to become strong,” to “dip my foot in oil, and to tread upon high places,” but proportionate to this feeling of trust, confidence and rejoicing in the Lord, has since been my descendings, temptations and tossings, that I have been led to remember this language of the Psalmist: “They that go down to the sea in ships that do business in great waters; these see the works of the Lord, and his wonders in the deep. For He commands and raises the stormy wind, which lifts up the waves thereof. They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths; their soul is melted because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit’s end. Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. Oh, that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men.”

11th.—Very poor and tried in mind, and my bodily strength small. Oh, when will better days arrive? I who, a short time ago, thought it my place to go from house to house, and from place to place, to encourage the people to seek the Lord with their whole heart, that He might be found of them. I who felt a holy confidence to declare unto them, not merely in words, but in power, that none ever yet trusted in the Lord and were confounded or disappointed; but those who sought Him with the whole heart, who dedicated their all unto Him, were amply repaid a hundred fold in this world, and in the world to come life everlasting. I who felt my soul poured forth in supplication for my people—my neighbors, and at times for the whole human family. I, who so lately felt at times the voice of thanksgiving and melody in my heart, unto which no sorrow was added. What am I now?—a bruised reed, not capable of measuring or dividing anything aright. Oh Lord God of hosts; you only know why you have permitted this fiery trial of faith to come upon me; give me patience to endure until you arise for my help, for vain is the help of man. When you hide your face we are troubled; when you unveil yourself, and show us the light of your countenance, there is no joy comparable thereto, blessed be your name, I will yet hope in your mercy; and oh enable me to wait all the days of my appointed time until my change come.

13th.—Paid a religious visit to an individual who professes to believe that all religious denominations are doing more harm than good; and insists that a moral life is all that is required of man; that if people are upright in their dealings one with another, and do not commit any gross sins, it is all-sufficient for them. In this opportunity with him and his family, I had to reason with him concerning righteousness, temperance, and judgment to come. I had to tell him that my spirit travailed for none more than that class of persons who thus reasoned away religious feelings, and religious duties; that I well knew the bitter fruit such a course would produce; that I had seen the time when I thought a moral life might do for me; but when death stared me in the face—when affliction’s rod was laid heavy upon me—when the hand of the Lord was laid heavy upon me, I then felt the need of religion; I then lacked that peace which the world cannot give—that peace which can satisfy the soul, and which cannot be obtained without a surrender of the whole heart unto the Lord; becoming prostrate before Him; sanctified and purified in his holy sight. I hope the opportunity will not be wholly forgotten, or of no effect. For a time he appeared to fortify himself against all that was said; but before the opportunity ceased, I believe, the power of truth came over him; his heart smote him, and, in spite of all his resistance, showed conviction. My spirit craves his return to the Father’s house from which he has so widely strayed; that the Lord may bring him down into the valley of humiliation, and finally prepare him for death when it comes.

Tenth Month 17th.—Various have been the conflicts and deep the baptisms and wadings of my spirit of latter time. I have felt it required of me in the late family visit in which I have been engaged, not only to go to a number of families who were not members of our religious Society, but also to some houses, whose inhabitants were entire strangers to me; and whose names were unknown, except by inquiry at the time; feeling attracted to the houses as we passed them, and feeling the woe if I did not give up to go in. Trying as this service was to flesh and blood, it is nothing to compare to a wounded conscience; for when I have shrunk from the fulfillment of my duty herein, it has brought great distress upon my mind, so that I have been led to say for the sake of peace, “here I am Lord, do what you will with me.” Previous to a late engagement in several families of this description, I was near three days at a Friend’s house, shut up without any clear opening whatever; but the command was to be still. What will my friends say of me? was a query that often crossed my mind. But the answer of my Heavenly Father was on this wise—“Your time, your health, and your faculties are mine. I have a right to do with them and with you as seems unto me good.” Thus did I remain, until a little opening appeared in a remote neighborhood, where a few members were scattered. After we arrived there and had visited most of those who were members, I felt hedged in on every side; and began to wonder whether I should ever get away from there alive; but as I endeavored to turn my mind unto the Lord, and to seek for strength and ability to do his will, it came into my mind to inquire of the Friend at whose house we were, concerning his children, who had married out of Society; where they were settled, and being informed that several of them were near-by, I soon saw I must go to their houses, as well as to some others which we had passed, to whose inhabitants we were entire strangers. This dedication, though greatly in the cross, yielded peace.

20th.—Oh, gracious Father, my heart is greatly in need of your healing balm. My spirit is wounded, and a wounded spirit who can bear. I have not been willing enough to suffer for your precious truth’s sake, for the sake of my dear Redeemer, who died for me. Oh! enable me to become resigned to your blessed will, whatever it may cost me, dearest Father give me not over to a reprobate mind; for you have all power, and can enable me to drink the remaining bitter draughts which you may dispense, or permit for me. Dearest Lord, remember my affliction, and enable me to say in deed and in truth, “your kingdom come, your will be done” in me, and by me, and through me, unworthy worm as I am. Oh! “let not your hand spare, nor your eye pity” me, until you cause me to surrender my will in all things unto your holy will. Dearest Father, look down with an eye of compassion, and behold my distress; and with the crook of your love, in your own way and time, turn this gloom into sunshine, and fit, and prepare me; though it be through great tribulation for a mansion in the heavens.

In my late family visit, I fear that I have not been willing enough at all times to bear my burden with Christian patience and resignation. The language of my heart has often been—you require hard things. Oh, Lord! if you deal thus with me, take away my life, for my burden is greater than I know how to endure. And I have felt the truth of this saying of our blessed Lord—“Whosoever he be that forsakes not all that he has, cannot be my disciple.” Yet I know not that I ever had more cause to marvel at the glorious manifestations of light and strength vouchsafed in times of great need, than in this visit. But in times of great proving, the exercise through which I had to pass, seemed sometimes almost insupportable; so that sleep was often taken from me; and the desire for food was not known: and now should further provings be necessary, and a requisition again to go forth, plainly manifested; I crave to become resigned to his will, who has a right to dispose of us as seems unto Him good; though it may lead us to become as spectacles to the world, to angels, and to men. Oh, may the short space of my existence here be spent to the honor of my God; and may I count nothing too dear to part with for his blessed name’s sake, that the winding up of my days may be peace.

28th.—I feel it to be a time of great importance to me. The Isaacs are called for, and if I omit to surrender all up into the hands of the Lord, great will be my loss. I crave to become resigned to my Heavenly Father’s will in all things; but of myself I cannot become resigned. Dearest Father, grant me resignation to your will, and enable me to dedicate body, soul and spirit to you, yours I am, and yours I desire to be, with acceptance, through your well-beloved Son, who gave himself a ransom for me.

Eleventh Month 3rd.—The enemy is continually endeavoring to persuade me that I shall never be able to hold out to the end; that I shall “one day fall by the hand of Saul.” But the exercise of my spirit is, when of ability to crave anything for myself; that the Lord would not spare me nor forsake me, but make of me just what He would have me to be. A few moments of sunshine now and then; and a calm and peaceful mind, which is at times my experience, convinces me how possible it would be for my Heavenly Father to change the storm into a calm, and the midnight gloom into the light of the glorious day. When the “Son of righteousness is pleased to arise with healing in his wings,” how glorious is his work and appearance in the heart. Or when He is pleased to hide himself, who then can behold Him; whether it be done against a nation, or against a man only. If the deep wadings, tossings, and conflicts of spirit, through which I have passed, and am passing; and may yet have to endure, only have a tendency to refine and purify me, and make me a vessel fit to bear the inscription of holiness unto the Lord, it will be enough. Oh, my soul rejoice and be exceeding glad because of these dispensations, if in the winding up of your pilgrimage here, an admission into the realms of never-ending felicity, and joy, be given you. “Count it all joy,” said an experienced Apostle, “when you fall into various temptations,” knowing that the trial of your faith is much more precious than gold or silver.

I know not that I have ever felt so broken to pieces before the Lord, as in the late family visit, in which I have been engaged; and for wise purposes known only unto Him; I have been kept from returning the Minute granted me in the Seventh Month last; though it is greatly in the cross so long to feel under the exercise of a visit, which I had hoped to get through with in a few weeks after obtaining liberty to perform it. But when I consider that for years previous to laying this prospect before my friends, it had at times dwelt with great weight upon my mind, I wish not now to draw back from making any visit to any one, or to any family which the truth requires; for I have often said in my heart in going from one house to another, greatly in the cross; surely the dregs of the cup of suffering will be wrung out, when this visit shall have been accomplished; and had it not been for the help of Him who lays nothing upon us but what He will enable us to bear; if we look unto Him with a single eye—had it not been for his help, making a way for me where there appeared no way, I should have utterly fainted and given out. Blessed be his name, I will yet strive to serve Him more faithfully. Enable me, holy Father! to wrestle for the blessing until the break of day, that I may not be one of those who draw back unto the perdition of the ungodly.

18th.—I have felt that it would be best for me to record my feelings of yesterday evening. After our Quarterly Meeting, which to me was a very trying one, having sat under a painful, lifeless, wordy ministry; a secret breathing was begotten in my heart on this wise—“Oh, for the substance of religion, for the life-giving presence of Him whom we profess to serve.” Soon after which a solemnity of feeling and song of praise filled my heart comparable to this—“My soul does magnify the Lord; and my spirit does rejoice in God my Savior.” Such seasons of refreshment from the presence of the Lord, how humbling to one, the language of whose heart often is—“My way is hid from the Lord, and my judgment is passed over from my God.” I crave that no poor, tried, distressed mortal man, woman or child may despair of the mercy of God in Christ Jesus; how have I been brought into sympathy, and my spirit travailed with, and for the afflicted, the tossed and the tempted; how have I been as it were in the deeps, where the weeds have been wrapped about my head; where no hand save that of the Lord’s could succor. Oh, trust in the Lord, whoever you are; and whatever your trials may be, who are seeking after durable riches and righteousness; “trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength;” for out of the pit, and from the pit of despair, has the Lord raised me up. He has also “put a new song into my mouth, even praises to his name;” rejoice, oh my soul, with trembling; yes, rejoice and be exceeding glad that your God has not forsaken you, has not forgotten you; when you were nigh the grave He raised you up; when you stumbled and fell like a weak young child, he raised you up; when your near and dear relatives, one after another, were taken from you, He gave you strength to bear the loss with resignation. And now, when your way seems through a narrow and thorny path, He does at seasons show himself marvelous unto you; tremble you before Him and keep the word of his patience, that you may be accounted worthy, through the Son of his love, of protection and peace.

Today, when returning from our Meeting for Worship, which to me was a solemn time in silence; this language sweetly revived in my mind—“For a small moment have I forsaken you; but with great mercies will I gather you. In a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on you, says the Lord your Redeemer.” Oh, this is choice food of encouragement and consolation, not to be trifled with, and lavished out to others; but for the sake of some poor, tried, tossed and tempted ones, who may think their way the most gloomy and discouraging of any other, do I record this; believing the Lord is able to change the fruitful field into a barren wilderness, and the barren wilderness into a fruitful field, and it seems to me that I can do no less than acknowledge his might, and his power, who alone is worthy of all praise and thanksgiving. “Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name.”

22nd.—Passed our Monthly Meeting under great exercise of spirit; not feeling at liberty to return the Minute granted me in the Seventh Month last to visit families. Oh, the wormwood and gall; if it be to reduce and humble me, your will, oh God, be done.

Twelfth Month 3rd.—Today sat in our Meeting for Worship, with my spirit bowed down in supplication for light and strength to pursue the path of duty myself; and for the Lord’s presence in our assemblies. Thought I could adopt the language of my dear sister Lydia on her deathbed: “Surely I could not seek the Lord so earnestly, if his presence was not near me.” Oh, Lord, strengthen me to do your will, that I may be yours here, and yours hereafter. Your will be done in me, and by me, and through me. Amen and amen.

First Month 9th, 1849.—Surely I have never been so long, and so much like a prisoner in bonds as of latter times. It is now nearly six months since I obtained liberty to visit the families of my own Monthly Meeting, and some not in membership with us. I have visited about one hundred and forty families; several of whom were not in membership with us, and some to whom I was an entire stranger. But for nearly three months past my way has been closed up, and no opening to return my Minute to the Monthly Meeting. Oh, gracious God! you only know the depths of distress into which my spirit has again and again been plunged; longing desires have been raised in my heart after you, and to be found your humble, dependent child. Oh, look down with an eye of compassion upon me; prosper your own work; and let it take what strokes it may to purify me, “let not your hand spare” me until you are pleased to say, it is enough.

10th.—On taking my seat today in our Week-day Meeting, my mind was quickly brought into a solemn consideration of our frailty and unworthiness, and I could not suppress the rising tear. A humble hope lives in my heart, that the Lord will not utterly forsake me; but when He has tried me, I shall come forth the better for all my proving. Oh, how much better is one moment in his presence than a thousand void thereof; though they may be spent in the midst of our earthly friends, and those too whom we love; yet in the absence of the beloved of souls, how can my spirit but mourn? Oh, that I was more worthy, and willing to suffer for the blessed Truth. Then shall I not be ashamed when I have respect unto all your commandments. “Lord teach me to number my days, that I may know how frail I am, and apply my heart unto wisdom.” My spirit bowed in supplication for myself and friends, though no vocal utterance was required; and unless an express command to speak or a gentle intimation which may be distinguished from the voice of the stranger, let my lips be sealed in silence, and I not presume to utter words without that life-giving sound which renders that which is piped or harped, acceptable to the anointed ear and profitable to the people.

14th.—I am brought into great extremity. Oh, Lord! look down with an eye of compassion upon me in my present condition. You know the distress that I feel, and how impossible it is for me to do anything towards relief without your superintending and supervening power. Look down, I beseech you, and gather my mind into a trustful, quiet, resigned frame. I ask not for any change in my outward circumstances, or for a multiplication of outward enjoyments; but for the continuation of your protecting power and presence, to an unworthy worm of the dust. You know the extremity that I feel, and how liable I am, or may be, to cast away my confidence in you, and sell that precious inheritance for a mess of pottage—something for the fleshly part to feed upon. Oh, forsake me not, neither let your hand spare me, but in wrath remember mercy.

18th.—My mind is more calm and quiet than yesterday. Scarcely have I known such a plunge into the abyss of sorrow and distress. Scarcely could I refrain from crying aloud, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me;” “why are you so far from helping me?” Verily, is there not a cause for my sorrow? When I look around and see the lukewarmness and indifference prevailing among such a highly professing people as we are, and the zeal too which is not according to the knowledge of God, how can I but mourn? But this is not all. When I consider my own weakness and natural tendency to corruption, and how far short I have come of filling up my measure of suffering and exercise for the body’s sake, which is the Church; how can I but mourn? Lord prove me and try me; make me white; fit and prepare me for a mansion in heaven, where all sorrow and sighing shall forever flee away.

28th.—The experience of this day is worth recording. After a night spent in the most indescribable anguish of spirit, how has the Lord interposed, and by his Spirit lifted up a standard against the floods of the enemy. On taking my seat today in our religious meeting; this language ran through my mind—“I will bear the indignation of the Lord until He plead my cause, and execute judgment for me.” Which was soon followed by this—“The Lord on high is mightier than the noise of many waters; yes, than the mighty waves of the sea.” Oh, how did the Lord still the tumult of my soul. He arose, and rebuked the winds and the waves, and behold there was a great calm. “Bless the Lord, oh, my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, oh, my soul, and forget not all his benefits; who forgives all your iniquities; who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from destruction; who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfies your mouth with good things; so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord executes righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.”

Fourth Month 9th.—Gracious God! You who, in days past, was my “Urim and my Thummin;” so that I had no need to ask, who it was, or what it was; knowing that it was your light, grace, truth and power, over and above all in me, that enabled me to say in the midst of suffering, and prospect of severe trials and suffering—“Not as I will, but as you will.” Oh! enable me, gracious Father, once more to bow down before you in humble, heartfelt resignation and obedience to your holy will; here I am, do with me, make of me, what seems unto you good. You who see my condition, grant light and strength to move and walk in. Dearest Father! forgive my iniquities, pass by my transgressions, and remember my sins no more. Help the helpless; you alone can comfort, help and satisfy my soul. Lord! deliver me, I beseech you, from my enemies which war against my soul, and enable me to say—“Yours is the power, and the wisdom, and the glory forever.”

Fifth Month 26th.—Oh, holy Father! look down, I beseech you, upon a poor, unworthy worm of the dust; enable me to follow you in the regeneration. You know my frailties and shortcomings; have compassion upon me, for you know the revilings of the enemy, and his temptations, and how impossible it is for me to escape his wiles, without your immediate interposition for my deliverance. You know the scoffs, sneers and revilings of those who watch for my halting. Oh interpose, I beseech you, and “let not your hand spare nor your eye pity,” until you execute judgment for me.

Ninth Month 30th.—The troubles of my heart are enlarged unless the Lord undertake for me; unless He take care of and preserve me, I shall surely sink below hope. Oh help, gracious God, and sanctify me, body, soul and spirit; for I am grievously oppressed.

Tenth Month 25th.—“I, even I, am he that blots out your transgressions as a thick cloud and will not remember your sins.” This comfortable language, sprang up in my heart to the brightening of the gloomy prospect before me. The Lord only knows the extent of the misery and distress which my spirit suffers; and why it is thus with me. Lord be gracious unto me, and hear my supplication which I make day and night unto you.

Eleventh Month 3rd.—Surely my Heavenly Father has a special design concerning me to be accomplished in thus permitting the floods of unutterable distress to rise higher and higher, until it seems as if I was verging to that point where all consolation ends. Surely, there was wisdom in those words addressed to me a few years ago by a dear Friend on her deathbed: “You have been greatly favored; do not give out, nor give way to discouragement.” The enemy is permitted to tempt and try me far more than I have words to convey an adequate idea of. Surely it is mercy, everlasting mercy, that has hitherto enabled me to hope against hope, to cast not away my confidence in the Lord. I can feel for the miserable, for the tossed, and the tempted; and it seems to me, that my spirit is in travail, and bound up in sympathy with the afflicted and distressed. Oh, my soul, struggle on and let not go your hold, but ask for mercy, unutterable, everlasting mercy. I remember, when on a sick-bed several years ago, that the consolations of the Lord were so abundantly poured into my soul; and so great and wonderful did his might and majesty appear, that I thought, then, that I could trust in his mercy, no matter how dark and gloomy the days and years might be through which I might have to pass.

But alas! the manna gathered yesterday will not answer to live upon today. A fresh supply of that faith and confidence which enables us to call Jesus Lord, must be experienced; or where will we land? even in the labyrinth of doubt and dismay. Despair takes hold of me, and in vain I recur to any past experience of my life for consolation. If the Lord help me not, how vain is every sublunary assistance. A competence of the good things of this life; the choice blessings of faithful and interested friends fail, utterly fail, to afford that consolation which the hungry and thirsty soul is needing; and which if not obtained, all outward enjoyments will be of no avail. Strengthen me, oh holy Father, to trust in you, the Shepherd and Bishop of souls; you know that I desire to trust in you, to love and serve you above all. Oh! “create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me,” that I may yet praise you on the banks of deliverance; and prepare me to praise you forever, whatever strokes it may take.

Eleventh Month.—It has now been more than a year since I opened my mouth in our Meetings for Worship at home, except once. The Lord’s name be praised, in that He has kept me from offering a vain oblation in words; or like Saul, to offer before the coming of Samuel. Our dear friend M. Kite attended our last Yearly Meeting; and I think was favored to enter into sympathy with the suffering seed. How was her spirit clothed with exercise in the last sitting of the meeting, for those whose harps were hung on the willows, and who could not rejoice while the true seed was in bondage. My spirit, which had been bowed down with unutterable distress and exercise, said amen to her communication, and could rejoice that every “knee had not bowed to Baal, nor all kissed his image;” though it seemed that the floods of the dragon were poured out upon the true Church, to destroy, if possible, the true seed of the kingdom.

9th.—My mind has been more tranquil for a few days past than for some weeks previous. Until the “Son of righteousness is pleased to arise with healing in his wings,” mourning must be my covering. When and while the Lord is pleased to keep the city, there can no harm befall it; but when He withdraws his help, where shall we flee for succor, or when He veils his face who then can behold him? My spirit has been mingling with the miserable, but when it feels calm and composed, confiding in the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, how great is the change. Shall I ever forget the days of mourning and nights of grief which I have passed through for twelve months past. Lord forgive the impatience of my spirit and the lamentations of my soul, for when the bridegroom is taken away, who can but fast?

14th.—Visited dear cousin Miriam Ellis. Soon after taking my seat in her room, this language ran through my mind: “A holy solemnity, a holy convocation,”—accompanied with a belief that the dear sufferer was preparing for, and nearly ready to be gathered into, a mansion in heaven. She expressed herself as being in a comfortable state of mind, saying, she had heard the language, and she thought that she knew the voice, which said unto her, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Repeating the passage, “Great and marvelous are your works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are all your ways, you King of Saints,” adding, “if any one ever had cause thus to exclaim, it is I.” She also dwelt with emphasis upon the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, saying, it was all mercy—adorable, everlasting mercy, that enabled her to feel calm, and composed, when it appeared at times that her breath was leaving her, not feeling the least alarmed thereat. She also dwelt, at some length, upon the situation of our poor Society; expressing her belief, that those only who remain faithful unto the Lord, that experience “judgment laid to the line, and righteousness to the plumb line” in themselves, would be enabled to stand against the wiles of the devil; that he was trying to lay waste the whole heritage of God, but he would not be permitted to do it; that there would be a remnant preserved; but she believed Friends would have to come out of the mixture, “Come out from among them, and be separate,” had often been the language of her heart, particularly of latter time. She wanted Friends to stand plumb for the precious principles and testimonies given us to bear; and much more of a similar nature.

19th.—Last Seventh-day, the 17th, was our Quarterly Meeting. After the shutters were closed, and near the close of the meeting, I had to speak a word of encouragement to the tribulated, exercised remnant among us, who are concerned above all things to serve the Lord faithfully; the desire of whose hearts is to be satisfied with nothing short of the Truth as it is in Jesus; and though these have to struggle long for the blessing, hoping at times even against hope; yet I had to express my belief, and I might have expressed my experience also, that the Lord would not leave nor forsake such as these; but keep them in the hollow of the hand. How has He stretched out his hand for my help, in that He allows me not to become wholly a prey to the enemy, but has again rescued me out of the mouth of the lion, to speak well of his excellent name. “Lord, what shall I render unto you for all your mercies.” I feel, and have felt, that I am much behindhand in faithfully occupying the gift entrusted to me.

Twelfth Month 1st.—A few evenings ago, as I sat considering my situation, suddenly and unexpectedly, my feelings became calm and composed, tranquil and serene; and a song of praise filled my heart; so that I said, I will trust in the Lord, and not distrust his mercy, however dark and gloomy the days and the nights. Surely something will grow out of the year’s exercise—an exercise that cannot be told to the full. My sorrow has often been so great, that I could scarcely refrain from crying aloud, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me;” yet now and then a comfortable hope, yes, a song of praise, fills my heart; so that I can scarcely refrain (as was the case a few evenings ago) from praising his name aloud. As I sat in meeting yesterday, the language revived, “What are these which are arrayed in white robes? and from where did they come? These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. And a trembling hope revived that if I struggle on, I might become one of these.”

8th.—Today attended the funeral of my dear cousin, Miriam Ellis. Truly she was to me a precious friend; and we were united in spirit, one to another, as well as nearly related by consanguinity, and yet I could not shed a tear or weep for her. This language was sounding in my ears: “Weep not for me.” Her close was a peaceful, happy one; and no room is left to doubt that she has joined the heavenly host to ascribe thanksgiving and praise unto the Lord God and the Lamb forever.

18th.—Went with others of the school committee to the school taught by J. S., and had some religious communication to hand forth to the children. I am almost a wonder to myself, and perhaps to others; so tried, proven and tempted; and yet I cannot feel peace without, now and then, encouraging others to seek after and persevere in the strait and narrow way that leads to life. Surely there is no other way to the kingdom of heaven than by the way of the cross; let others try to smooth down and present to the view of the young and rising generation, any other way or path than that of the cross to the kingdom. The testimony of my heart and experience is that there is no way short of becoming crucified to the world, and the world unto us, that will lead to peace. For this end came our blessed Savior, even to destroy the works of the devil; and if judgment is to be laid to the line, and righteousness to the plumb line, where is the work to be begun and finished but in the temple of the heart. My heart sickens at the thought of the modifiers, that are rising up and are already risen up, to “sew pillows to all arm holes,” to make people feel easy with that which should be a burden to them; to make them think they can get to heaven without such a strict conformity to the will of God as the gospel of Christ enjoins. Oh! you superficial daubers with untempered mortar—you who sew pillows to all arm holes; trying to make the way to the kingdom of heaven appear easier than it is; as far as your ingenuity can devise; that having begun in the Spirit, we can be made perfect by the flesh; the time will come upon you, when neither you nor your daubing can stand the storm. The end will come and try your works and you; and it will be seen that your “covering is narrower than that you can wrap yourselves in it, and your bed to be shorter, than that you can stretch yourselves on it.” You cannot cover yourselves with the covering that you have devised, neither can you rest yourselves comfortably upon the resting-places that you have made or chosen for yourselves; and as to the pillows that you have sewed to the arm holes of others, these will be torn away, and great will be the astonishment and amazement of those who are deceived with your machinations; when they see you and your devices brought to naught; when they behold that nothing but the pure gold, the clean, white linen, the righteousness of saints will stand them instead in a trying hour. Then how will they lament that ever they were seduced and drawn aside to believe a lie; to believe that there is any middle path to the kingdom. How will they “be as when hungry man dreams, and behold, he eats; but he awakes, and his soul is empty; or, as when a thirsty man dreams, and behold, he drinks; but he awakes, and behold he is faint, and his soul has appetite: so shall the multitude of all the nations be that fight against Mount Zion.”

22nd.—Visited a merchant who has obligated himself to furnish money to a considerable company of men, to enable them to undertake the hazardous and unnecessary journey to California to get gold. For several weeks my mind has been so arrested and exercised with the subject, that I was apprehensive something would be required of me as a testimony against this procedure, but for a few days past the burden became so great that I could no longer doubt that I must raise my voice against it, and that, too, to the chief contributor and encourager of the project. Accordingly I endeavored to discharge myself faithfully, and have thus far been satisfied. Oh! the condescension of Israel’s Shepherd in making a way for me where mountains of difficulty appeared; truly, I have no words to set forth his mercy to me. The fear of man was all taken away, and I had to speak very plainly to this individual, telling him that I believed the mind, will and counsel of the Lord was against the procedure, and that a great weight of responsibility rested and would rest upon his shoulders, that I thought if he would seek to know the will of the Lord herein, and obey it, that he would be helped to withdraw his support and encouragement from this measure. He received kindly what I had to say; acknowledged that he believed my motives were good in thus advising him, and he could not say but my sentiments were correct, but he had not viewed the subject as I viewed it, or he should not have engaged in it. I thought he felt the burden, in some degree, resting on his own shoulders, where it properly belongs; and I felt, in a considerable degree, relieved of a great weight. Several of the men, who are going, have families of children, and were in a comfortable way of living as to the outward. What folly, indeed, to leave a country where plenty reigns, and where the honest and industrious can procure a comfortable subsistence, to search for gold. Alas! alas! what will these poor creatures do when overtaken with affliction and distress, far from their friends and homes. Gold! gold! you can not procure a peaceful mind for them.

Chapter V

- Exercises in Her Own Select Meeting and the Quarterly Meeting

- Asa Branson’s First Appearance in the Ministry

- A Religious Visit to the Meetings Composing Salem and Springfield Quarters

- A Visit to a Dying Man after Her Return

- Had to Go Back to Salem and Thereaway to Finish the Required Service

First Month 6th, 1850.—Attended meeting at our boarding school, and was enabled to cast off something of a burden that rested upon me. After the evening reading of this day, a quiet and holy serenity covered my mind, and I believe the same canopy of heavenly love was felt in a degree by others present, and this language pervaded my heart, “Lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.” And I thought I felt the truth of it in some degree realized. Oh, how good it is to wait upon the Lord; his hand is not shortened that it cannot save, neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear.

Second Month 22nd.—Last Seventh-day, the 16th of this month, was our Quarterly Meeting. I attended, and found my mind engaged to appear in the ministry; also the day before, in our select meeting. What a wonder I am to myself, very often feeling like a dry and withered branch, neither life nor strength to call upon the name of the Lord for help; but only in sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered. Lord, you only know why it is thus with me. I had, in the Quarterly Meeting, to warn Friends to bow down before the Lord, to become so prostrated that He might yet be pleased to look down upon us with an eye of compassion, beginning with these words: “No weapon formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall condemn.” Expressing my belief that the Lord’s faithful will assuredly experience, (as they have in every age experienced) this precious promise verified, and also the subsequent portion: “This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, says the Lord.” Stayed in the neighborhood of Mt. Pleasant, and on the 18th attended the funeral of E. H., a young Friend removed in the bloom of youth from works to rewards. There my mouth was again opened with these words: “Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me, but weep for yourselves and your children;” believing, we had abundant more need to weep for ourselves and for one another, than for the dear departed one, having a humble hope, trust and confidence, that her spirit had been permitted to enter the mansions of rest and peace. On the 19th, attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting, where my mouth was again opened in the ministry, in the women’s meeting, beginning with the words: “Return unto me, oh, backsliding children, and I will return unto you; I will heal all your backslidings and love you freely, says the Lord;” telling them that I believed this gracious invitation had long been held out to them, and still awaited their acceptance; that the Lord was and had been pleading with them to return unto Him and bring forth fruits in keeping with repentance, and not to put off the work. My heart was enlarged in the love of the Gospel towards them, and I had to deal very plainly with them, saying, “You have robbed God, but you say, wherein have we robbed you? In tithes and offerings.” I felt much peace after this meeting, and my strength and confidence renewed in the Lord; that I should thus open my mouth through the constraining influence of gospel love, in a solemn warning and exhortation, not to put off the work, but to “walk in the Light, while they had the Light;” for assuredly the time would come when the “hail would sweep away the refuge of lies,” but the Lord’s people would never be ashamed.

Eleventh Month 10th.—While reading in the Journal of Thomas Scattergood this evening, I was strongly reminded of the circumstance recorded in the Holy Scriptures, where the dead man touching the bones of the prophet Elisha, revived and stood upon his feet. It is impossible for me to describe to the full the situation of my poor, tried mind. I have thought for some time past that my condition resembled the dead or the dying. Did any one ever pass through what I do, and yet live? My spiritual life seems almost gone, my faith and hope so low, my temptations so many, that I am ready, at times, to give over struggling for life; yet the awful situation of those who faint and give out, after having put their hand to the plough, is often before me; accompanied at times with a very strong desire to be enabled to hold out to the end. Oh, Lord! strengthen me, is often the prayer of my heart, while my many misgivings, and shortcomings are before me. It seems that I could weep often and much, but the fountain of my tears is dried up. In our Meetings for Worship I generally sit, as with my mouth in the dust; while my heart is lifted up in prayer unto God; that He would be pleased to renovate and quicken us into a more lively and sensible feeling of our real condition; into more hungering and thirsting after righteousness, loosening us from the worldly spirit that is eating up every green thing. I can truly say, everything compared with an interest in Christ Jesus—compared with a blessed assurance of his Divine approbation and favor, sinks in my view into utter insignificance; and yet how barren and lifeless He often permits me to feel; but if this be for some wise purpose, and I verily believe it is, his name be praised. I will try to bear it with patience. How did our dear friend Thomas Scattergood pass through indescribable exercises, tribulation and temptations, both in England and his native land, and yet the Lord was near him, and preserved him through all. And shall such a one as I hope in his mercy? Yes, I will, with his holy assistance, still struggle and strive (and may it be lawfully) for the mastery, casting every crown at his holy footstool; for this is the only way to sing triumphantly, and to worship Him who sits upon the throne acceptably.

Twelfth Month 25th, 1851.—Today was our Monthly Meeting, in the forepart of which my cousin Asa Branson spoke a few words in testimony, saying, “There is a path which no fowl knows, and which the vulture’s eye has not seen; the lion’s whelps have not trodden it,” etc., remarking upon the straitness of that way, and narrowness of that path that leads to life. I was exceedingly glad, on hearing him open his mouth, having travailed in spirit for his deliverance from that which kept him from offering unto the Lord that which I had for some time felt sensible was required of him, though I had not named it to him. And today, as my heart was lifted up in silent supplication on his behalf, he arose on his feet and uttered a few words which affected me to tears; fully believing it was the Lord’s requiring, and though at the time rather unexpected to me. And now I can say, as dear Mildred Ratcliff once said to me, speaking of the ministry: “I rejoice with trembling when I see a right beginning.” I rejoice, but I tremble also, knowing the many ways and devices of the enemy to lead astray from faithfully following the Lord. May the Lord keep him in the hollow of his holy hand. May He prune and dig about him, and if need be cast a nauseous substance about him; even that which is grievous and greatly contrary to the natural will, so that fruit may be brought forth abundantly to the praise of the great Husbandman. Amen, says my soul.

31st.—I was instructed and encouraged this evening in the remembrance of the Savior’s words, “that men ought always to pray and not to faint.” “Shall not God avenge his own elect, who cry day and night unto Him, though He bear long with them? I tell you that He will avenge them speedily.” The words of Job had been occupying my mind: “Oh, that I were as in months past; as in the days when God preserved me. When his candle shined upon my head; and when by his light I walked through darkness.” Lord, deal with me as you see best; bring upon me anything which may tend to refine and purify me, that by your light I may walk through darkness.

Third Month 28th, 1852.—Let none of the poor, tribulated followers of the Lamb, however faint at times they may be permitted to feel, despair of the mercy and protection of the Shepherd of Israel. Let none who are sensible of the strivings of the Lord’s holy spirit with them; and who feel the stirrings of life at times in their inner parts, despair of mercy. Let them wait upon the Lord, let them watch for the arising of his power to enable them to pray—let them wait upon Him whom to know is life eternal. He can make waste mountains and hills and dry up all their herbs. He can make the rivers islands and dry up the pools. He can change the face and appearance of things to suit himself, and make a way for those who are hedged in on every side. Trust in the Lord, you who are tossed about as with a mighty wind. Look unto Him; despair not of his mercy; cleave unto Him in the darkest hour. This is your privilege—avail yourselves of it. He gives hope—He gives life—He gives strength. He will give you ability to wait upon Him, even when you feel that you had no hope, life or strength. Oh, my soul, wait upon the Lord. You have experienced many dark and cloudy days. You have often gone mourning on your way, ready to say, “My hope is cut off and perished from before the most high God.” Will you not trust in Him who has shown unto you his adorable, unutterable, unmerited, everlasting mercy, through Christ Jesus, your Lord? Yes, you may still trust in Him—you may still hope in his mercy, who can redeem, fit, and prepare you for endless felicity with the saints in Light. Amen.

Seventh Month 18th.—Left home on a religious visit to some of the meetings belonging to Salem and Springfield Quarterly Meetings. Arrived at Salem on the 20th, and attended the Select Quarterly Meeting in the afternoon. Had nothing to communicate. Next day at Salem Monthly Meeting I was silent throughout and felt peaceful. Next day attended New Garden Monthly Meeting; was silent in the forepart. When the business was gone through, I requested the shutters raised, which being done I had to be plain and honest among them, beginning with these words: “What shall be given unto you, you false tongue? Sharp arrows of the mighty, with coals of juniper,” urging the necessity of having our conversation and actions, such as the Lord approves; not offending Him in thought, word, or deed, etc. Felt my mind relieved. Next morning went to Augusta. Attended the Select Preparative Meeting, which began at eight o’clock, and the Monthly Meeting at eleven, in both of which I was silent, except a few words before the close of the women’s meeting. The day following was at Springfield Monthly Meeting. I was silent in the forepart, but before the close of the women’s meeting, had considerable to communicate, and felt relieved of a burden. Returned to Salem. Stayed there until after meeting on First-day, was silent and felt satisfied. Second-day, the 26th, went to Marlborough and attended the Select Preparative Meeting in the afternoon. Lodged at Margaret Brantingham’s. Next day was their Monthly Meeting. I was silent in the forepart. When the Queries were before the women’s meeting, I spoke upon plainness of speech, deportment and apparel, earnestly desiring that mothers and caretakers might be induced to examine how far they were concerned to maintain our testimony on these important points. Also in regard to encouraging the reading of the Holy Scriptures in their families, and keeping the children from the corrupt conduct of the world, and from pernicious reading. After which I felt in some degree relieved, yet my mind was still loaded with exercise for them, which was hard to be uttered. From there to Goshen, fifteen miles, and attended their week-day meeting on the 28th. Was silent therein and felt satisfied; in the afternoon went to Benjamin Maulsbury’s, whose wife is pretty much deprived of the use of her speech, limbs and faculties; which makes it trying on the health and patience of those who have the care of her. I have often craved that such circumstances as this might have a tendency to induce us to make use of our time and talents to the glory of God, while we are permitted to enjoy them. We stayed but a little time at this Friend’s house; but coming away before I felt easy to do so, I afterwards suffered considerable in my mind. The Master’s time is the best time to move in, however outward circumstances may seem to urge us forward. May He see fit to pardon my weakness, and make me more watchful in the future.

29th.—Attended Springfield Meeting and had considerable to say on the subject of the ministry, and came away satisfied. Next morning went back to Salem. Felt unwell with disease of the stomach, and no liberty to leave. Was at Meeting there on First-day, and again silent; which is the fourth time I have attended this meeting since coming among them; not daring to open my mouth in any of them. I found it needful to watch very closely the pointings of Truth, and to move only when and where it pointed; though sometimes entirely contrary to my expectations. I am often blindfolded and led about by that invisible power, that knows best what is best for us. A little opening appeared after meeting on First-day, to go as far as William Fawcett’s on our way to Middleton; though my mind was in a very low spot; and I was not very well in body; and I began to think whether my way for further service would not entirely close up. But I found no liberty to turn my face homeward. Next morning, with a little renewal of faith, started for Middleton; having Wm. Fawcett for our pilot. About noon reached the neighborhood, and put up at Sina Heald’s, widow of Abner Heald, a much beloved minister who died a few years ago, sound in the faith and hope of the gospel. William Heald, the father of Abner, was then at his daughter-in-law’s. He is near ninety years old; and is smart and active on his feet, and his faculties clear. Soon after we arrived he asked whether we wished a meeting appointed. I told him if Friends were willing, I wished to see them, and others of the neighborhood in the capacity of a Meeting for Worship. He readily assented, and soon started to give notice himself. It was some encouragement to my tried mind, to see this valued Friend and Elder in the Church, evince such an interest in promoting that concern which led me to leave my home; even the good of others, and the peace of my own mind. This meeting was well attended, and I thought it a good meeting. I felt concerned therein to arise upon my feet and say—that I believed there was a spiritual knocker, and a spiritual knocking; but very different indeed in its nature, from that self-styled spiritual knocking in these days; of which the devil and his agents were the authors. Unto Christ Jesus, who is knocking at the door of the heart—unto Him who is the “minister of the sanctuary, which God has pitched, and not man,” I directed the attention of the people; and to turn away from, “Lo here is Christ, and lo He is there,” etc. I afterwards felt easy and quiet.

Next day went to Elk Run. It was a very small meeting, and, I thought, a lifeless one. We sat a good while in silence; but before the close, I told them, that although I had seen no one asleep, except a little child, I thought it right to admonish them, to “present their bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God, which is our reasonable service.” That a religious meeting was not the place to sleep; not even for children. That even such, though quite young, should be better instructed. I had considerable to say, and felt relieved when the meeting ended. Rode to Carmel that evening. On our way we passed a road, at the sight of which I felt that I must enquire to whose house it led. Our pilot answered, to the house of a Friend whose wife has long been a cripple; adding, the Friend desires you would come and see them. I noted this down in my mind, thinking we would call on our way back to Salem. Lodged that night at N. Armstrong’s, and next day attended Carmel Meeting. And although I had considerable to communicate, I did not feel relieved; and could hardly tell why. Dined at Armstrong’s, and felt weighed down with exercise. It rained hard and the clouds were thick; but expecting to leave Carmel that afternoon, and return to Salem, I felt anxious to be going. Under these feelings I requested the horses got ready that we might be off; but as we left the Friend’s house and turned towards Salem, I felt a weight of exercise which I cannot describe. I thought if the sheriff had come and taken me captive, I should not have felt more like a prisoner; while this language ran forcibly through my mind—“You are still a prisoner.” Under these feelings we rode five miles to T. W.’s, a Hicksite preacher, whose wife is an elder among Friends. Next morning I told my companions, I must go back to Carmel. They were ready and willing to do so. I requested a private opportunity with T. W. and wife. I told him, that I believed the Lord required him to be still, to know what it was to be brought into true silence before Him; and if this was his experience he would see his way out from among the Hicksites. That I had no unity with their principles, nor gospel fellowship with those who hold them. I said much more to the old man in the presence of his wife, which he seemed to take kindly; his wife uniting with what I said—that a state of stillness was what he was called to. After this I requested the children called in, and had an opportunity with them to the relief of my mind.

On our way to Carmel we called on a son of the aforesaid Hicksite, yet a member among Friends. He had been lately married. We had a religious opportunity with him and his wife. I exhorted them to “seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and its righteousness, and all things necessary would be added.” I reminded them of the danger of setting their affections on things below, that the desire after worldly treasure generally and gradually increased in the mind, as riches increased. That the natural mind of man could not be satisfied with wealth. I reminded them of the humble situation that our blessed Savior made in his appearance in the world—his birthplace a stable—wrapped in swaddling clothes, and laid in a manger. He by whom all things were created that are in heaven and in the earth, condescended thus to humble himself; setting us a pattern of meekness and humility, which we ought to consider when we are desiring great things and fine appearances for ourselves. I had much more to communicate to these young persons, to the relief of my mind. Went to William Leech’s. After dinner had a religious opportunity with the family, and then rode to Carmel.

Same afternoon went to see an aged Friend, eighty-six years old, who had been confined at home about six years; suffering much bodily pain. She seemed overjoyed to see us; often exclaiming, “Oh, I am so glad to see you; I am so glad to see the faces of my friends. I am a poor, unworthy creature, but have much to be thankful for.” On looking around her room, and contrasting her humble cottage with the dwellings of those who have all the comforts and conveniences of life when thus afflicted; I was struck with her expressions of gratitude, and thankfulness for the blessings she enjoyed. We stayed an hour or two with this aged Friend, had a religious opportunity with the family, consisting of herself, her son and his wife, and several children. I felt thankful for being permitted to make this visit.

Next day visited two aged Friends, who were mostly confined at home with bodily infirmity. There I relieved my mind in a religious opportunity, and came away satisfied. But for not giving up to pay a visit to his sons, who lived near by, I felt remorse; and have since regretted this omission. Went to Martha Ashton’s to dine. Had a religious opportunity with herself, son and daughter, to the relief of my mind. I then mentioned to my companions a concern which had rested with me to appoint a meeting at Carmel, at four o’clock tomorrow afternoon; which with the consent of the elders, was done. The meeting gathered at the time appointed and was well attended. I felt it right to plead with the infidel to forsake his proud and vain course, and turn unto the Lord while He was pleased to plead with him in judgment, mingled with mercy. I had to warn them against indulging in a spirit of unbelief; that an awful doom awaited those who gave up to disbelieve in, and continued to disbelieve in, the Savior of the world; and in the existence of a Supreme Being. I admonished the youth to flee from the reasonings of the sceptic as they would from the bite of a viper. To shun the company of such as they would shun a venomous beast. The meeting ended in supplication. After this meeting, in which I was largely and weightily engaged in the service appointed me, I felt ready to leave Carmel with a peaceful mind. Truly thankful was I for having been enabled to wait the Master’s time for my departure.

Rode to Elk Run that afternoon, and Lodged at the Friend’s house whose wife was a cripple, and where I had proposed stopping on our return to Salem. We had a religious opportunity in the family (where were several young people), much to the relief of my mind. Returned to Salem the 9th of the Eighth Month. Went to A. H.’s, and had a religious opportunity in his family; relieving my mind towards his children, and some of their relatives who were present. I reminded them of the uncertainty of time, and the necessity of spending it rightly. I told the young people of my father’s expressions concerning himself—“When a lad, I was left without father or mother, or any one to counsel me; but as I looked to the Lord He kept me out of bad company, and preserved me from evil.” I did not know until afterwards, that some of the children had been disowned for attending balls, dancing-parties, etc. This was a very unexpected opportunity to me; but I felt that I dare not go away without trying to relieve my mind among them. Stayed in town at our old home, M. J. F.; kept close at home next day; and on the 11th again attended Salem Meeting. I had to declare the truth among them that day; telling them that I felt bound, poor and unworthy as I was, to speak of the nature and tendency of gospel ministry. That I esteemed such a ministry a blessing to the Church; yet where any spoke from past experience, without the fresh anointing of the holy Spirit—without the immediate putting forth of the Shepherd of the sheep—such a ministry, although esteemed eloquent, and adorned with gifts, belonging to the natural parts—theoretical, and head knowledge—could not profit the people, and was nothing better than sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal—the bell without the pomegranate.

I exhorted them to get down deeper in their spirits; to wait upon the Lord, who is the fountain of life, and never-failing source of help to the rightly exercised. To such as these, a ministry, however calculated to please the itching ear of man, yet lacking the demonstration of the spirit and power, was a great burden. When this meeting ended I felt calm and peaceful. Oh, the superficial daubing which it seems to me is going on. My heart feels sometimes to sicken under a consideration of these things.

In the afternoon visited Salem school, and had a religious opportunity with the teacher and scholars. Next day visited the family of an individual who had died suddenly from home, with the cholera, while attending a political meeting. Though I went in fear and trembling (they not being members of our Society), I felt greatly satisfied in having given up to this intimation of duty. This family, which consisted of the widow and several children grown up, were much contrited and humbled on this occasion; and I trust it will be some inducement to them to consider the uncertainty of time, and to prepare for a future state.

Next day, attended the Select Quarterly Meeting at Salem, in which I was silent. The day following, the Quarterly Meeting—silent also in that, except a few words in the last meeting. Next day being First-day the 15th of the month, again attended Salem Meeting. Nathan Hoag and Rebecca Updegraff were there, and had much to communicate. I spoke a little, near the close of the meeting, but my mind was so depressed after meeting that I could not forbear retiring to my room, without partaking of any nourishment, and tried for a resting place from the commotions that seemed to come in like a flood. I remembered the language of the Psalmist—“The Lord sits upon the flood, yes, the Lord sits King forever.” Towards evening, visited a brother of the man who died with cholera, before mentioned. Had an opportunity of relieving my mind in his family. Then went to Dr. A. C.’s, and had an opportunity with him and his wife, to the relief of my mind.

Next day, attended Springfield Select Quarterly Meeting. After much communication from various individuals, and the business gone through, I felt it right to tell them, that I had been reminded of the word of the Lord, through the mouth of his prophet—“Take away from me the noise of your songs; for I will not hear the melody of your stringed instruments. But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.” I told them that I felt constrained to declare in their hearing in the love of the gospel, that breathed for the salvation of every soul present; that I believed that the deceivableness of unrighteousness was in the camp; that there was a disposition to cry peace, peace, when there is no peace. That the Lord required judgment laid to the line, and righteousness to the plumbline in the hearts of those who were crying out in his name, or concerning his works, and goodness, etc. I felt peaceful and easy after this meeting; yet under exercise that I might be kept in my proper place.

Next day, at the Quarterly Meeting, I was silent. After meeting returned to Salem, and that evening visited two families. Next day being Salem Week-day Meeting, I felt no liberty to leave before, though I had been looking a little towards it, but felt that I must not be a Jonah fleeing before the right time. Paid two family visits and then went to meeting, and sat under great exercise, which caused some of my limbs to tremble. It being their Preparative, I did not feel it my place to say anything in the public meeting, but requested when the business was gone through, that the shutters might be raised, which was united with by men and women. Then, in the fear of the Lord, and, I trust, in the power and strength which He gives, I felt at liberty to unburden my mind among them—telling them that I was not aware of having omitted any right opening to relieve my mind; that my spirit had been held captive among them as well as my body, and I had been baptized into a very low place for the living, as well as the dead. That I believed the spirit of Balaam was among them; that spirit which George Fox said is the most deceiving. That spirit that could speak from past experience of God and of Christ, yet nevertheless, had forsaken the right path and gone out into gainsaying. That spirit was among them that could exclaim, “How goodly are your tents; oh Jacob, and your tabernacles, oh Israel; let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his;” while, at the same time, ascending the altars of Balak and following after the wages of unrighteousness. I told them that I believed the Lord would in his own time arise and deliver his people, and discover the deceit among us; that the great hail-stones would fall and sweep away the refuge of lies, and the Balaam-like spirits would be found slain in the enemy’s camp. That the spirit of Saul and of Goliath was also among them; that which hunted the life of the true Israelitish seed. Also that which defied the Israel of God. Oh, it was a fearful meeting; but I had to tell them with trembling, and in the fear, dread and power of the Lord, that in his own time He would prepare the sling and the stone, and rescue his chosen from the hunters and defiers of Israel. I also exhorted those who were alive to get down deeper in their spirits, that they might be prepared to labor availingly in the vineyard of the Lord. How good it is to wait all the Lord’s appointed time for ability to do his work; and labor after resignation until He gives the word of command to step forward in his service. After meeting paid another family visit and then set out for home, taking our Quarterly Meeting in the way. Reached home after Quarterly Meeting, but felt no liberty to return my Minute at our Monthly Meeting the week following.

Twelfth Month 14th.—My soul is exceedingly sorrowful. Oh, you preserver of men, you have been with me, in and through many straits. Once more I ask your all-protecting guardian care; while my spirit is exceedingly tried and tempted. Be pleased, I humbly pray you, to look down with an eye of compassion upon one who feels that there is none in heaven, or in earth, to look unto for help and strength, but you; in this hour when my patience is put to such a close trial. Oh, you who know how far to try me, let me not faint, or give out, or conclude as Saul did, that the prophet tarried too long; and so offer an offering before the right time. Lord, you know for what you permit me to experience the cloud to rest upon the tabernacle; while it seems to others, that I am deferring of my own accord the work appointed me. Grant ability, oh God, to wait all the days of my appointed time, until my change come; until the shadows flee away, and there is daylight to walk in, and to work in.

Second Month 4th, 1853.—I think of leaving home tomorrow to finish (as way opens) a religious visit for which I obtained the concurrence of our Monthly Meeting nearly eight months ago; and though it remains partly unaccomplished, I know of no other cause, than that the way has appeared closed up, and no opening in the truth, either to move forward, or to return my Minute to the Monthly Meeting. A strange situation to be in some may think; for any one professing to be a minister of the gospel. But shall any one undertake to move in such an important work, without that degree of light and strength requisite to bring peace of mind? None knows how it has been with me for the past six months, save the Searcher of hearts. No tongue can tell or pen describe the extent of the sorrow and distress which my mind at times has undergone; so that I have marveled how the body could sustain the weight of exercise endured.

What shall I say of the works of the Lord, or how shall I declare the mighty power of God. I will even “lay my hand upon my mouth, for his greatness is unsearchable, and his ways past finding out.” “I fainted in my sighing and found no rest,” only as you have been pleased to give it me. The world had no consolation for me, and as for things delightful, they fled as though they had never been; but now, He lifts me up a little and causes me to hope in his mercy. My soul has this testimony—that there are those in these days, who appear to be full fed, and in need of nothing, who run when they please, and speak what they please, who shall experience their staff of bread broken, and they shall lack bread and water, and be astonished one with another, and consume away if they repent not of their iniquities.

“Do your duty independent of the whole world,” said a dying man to me the other day as he bid me affectionately farewell, repeating it twice—“Do your duty independent of the whole world.” What an honest hour is the hour of death. This man, as he expressed himself, had waded in gold, yet he found, as he said, that it is not worth living for; exhorting his children to be good. Very plainly had I dealt with this man, concerning his spiritual condition in the days of his health, when sickness and disease were far from him; but now he remembered that nothing but honesty would do, and a faithful performance of our religious duties. Oh, may I never fear the face of man, when the Lord bids me speak, though he may soar above the true witness for God in the secret of his heart; yet the time will come when he will need pure and undefiled religion. Great had been my exercise for this individual in his sickness, as well as in the days of his health; and ardently did my spirit crave that he might be permitted at the eleventh hour to enter into the vineyard and labor for the penny.

5th.—Left home as contemplated; rode seventeen miles to a neighborhood where no Friends reside; appointed a Meeting for Worship to be held the next day, at three o’clock. The day was cold and stormy, and the roads difficult to travel, yet the meeting was well attended, and I felt thankful that I was there among a company of strangers, whose faces I may never again see; yet, for the welfare of their souls, my spirit has long felt deeply interested, and now I feel peaceful and easy in regard to the dedication of my will to that of my Divine Master. After this meeting (which ended to satisfaction) rode to Jefferson, five miles; but did not reach our lodgings until eight o’clock at night. Here we met with a Methodist minister, with whom we had some conversation on doctrinal subjects, and I believe it was not an unprofitable interview; both he and the innkeeper were very friendly disposed, and perhaps some things mentioned may be remembered to profit in days to come. From Jefferson to Harlem Springs, twelve miles. After dinner had an opportunity with the innkeeper and wife, whom I considered in a very responsible situation. It being a place of great resort in summer for all classes of people, on account of the (supposed) virtue of the water for the cure of diseases, bathing, etc. I had to deal very plainly with them, exhorting them to keep an orderly house, free from music, dancing, card-playing, etc. I warned them of the consequences resulting from a life spent in pride, vanity, and irreligion. I have since felt easy in my mind in regard to them, and hope I shall be clear of their blood. Rode that afternoon to Mechanics-town, over as bad roads as I ever travelled. When I think of the cup of suffering which has been meted out to me, and the strokes it has taken to make me willing, and to prepare me to set out on this little journey, retracing my former steps; all that can arise in regard to difficult roads, weather, etc., seem nothing in my view, compared to that peace which is necessary for us to know before we can receive an immortal crown of glory.

This morning, the 8th, had a religious opportunity with the family where we lodged, all of whom were strangers to us. What was offered appeared to be well received. This day reached the settlement of Friends. 9th, today, attended the Select Preparative Meeting at Middleton. In the evening went to Samuel Dixon’s, where we unexpectedly met with our friend J. E. and companion. This evening, during an interval of silent, reverent waiting on the Lord in this family, my mind was raised above all gloom and discouragement, and a song of praise filled my heart, so that no sorrow was thereunto added. I said it is enough, Lord, you have given me an evidence of your favor and lovingkindness of which I am not worthy.

10th.—This day was Middleton Monthly Meeting. After the business was gone through, I requested the shutters lowered, and had a relieving opportunity with men and women Friends. I told them that I believed the Lord had not cast off his people; that He had preserved a remnant to speak well of his excellent name; that if we as a people deserted our posts, others would be called in from the highways and hedges, to support our principles and testimonies, and our vineyards, and olive-yards, would be taken from us and given to our neighbors who are better than we. This and much more I had to tell them. Dined at J. Heald’s; had an unexpected opportunity with him and his family in the way of caution, counsel and encouragement; hope it will not prove to their disadvantage. Lodged at Sina Heald’s, widow of Abner Heald, who died a few years ago, leaving a noble testimony behind him for the Truth, and against Gurneyism, etc.

11th.—Attended Salem Select Quarterly Meeting. After returning from it my mind became deeply affected, and I could not refrain from weeping. I went alone and gave vent to my tears; I thought of the strokes it had taken to make me willing to return to Salem, and the turnings, and the overturnings I had endured since I was there. I remembered the wormwood and the gall, and my heart was humbled within me. I felt willing to be reputed anything or nothing, so that I might be found in my place. I desired not to be in company, but endeavored as much as possible to conceal my feelings. Next day attended the Quarterly Meeting; in the forepart of which I was silent. After the shutters were closed and J. E’s Minute was read, I informed women Friends that I was there with the same Minute that I obtained in the Eighth Month last; that on returning home, as I apprehended, at the right time; month after month had passed away, and still I did not feel fully released from the service, and yet had felt no liberty to return among them until the present time. That it could not be to our peace, or the advantage of others, to move in our own will and time; though we might think it long to be thus held as it were in bonds. Several Friends expressed satisfaction with the information, and unity with my attendance.

After the business of the meeting was finished, I requested the shutters opened, that I might see men and women Friends together, which was fully united with by men and women. My mouth was opened to commemorate the goodness of the Lord; that He is able and willing to sustain those who put their trust in Him, even under the weight of mountains; reviving the language of the prophet—“He that comprehends the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighs the mountains in scales, and the hills in a balance;” He can sustain under every trial that can befall us. I had to allude to the prophet Ezekiel, who was commanded to lie upon his left side, and lay the iniquity of the house of Israel upon it, and then upon his right side, and bear the iniquity of the house of Judah. He was not to turn from one side to the other to ease himself, until the days of the siege were fulfilled. His bread was nauseous and to be eaten by weight, and with care from time to time was he to eat it; he was to be a sign to the people. So the Lord had some in these days who were to be a sign to others; they could not run at their own will or pleasure.

The Lord had put bands upon them, and they knew that He is Almighty, and can in his own time release them; that man as he is obedient to the teachings of the holy Spirit, that leads out of all error into all truth, will be raised above all earthly-mindedness, become heavenly-minded, having his affections weaned from the world and the things of the world. I had to tell them that I believed, there were those among them who were not willing to be counted as earthly-minded as they really were. Who, instead of saying to their children and those around them, follow us as we follow Christ, by our every-day walk and conversation, were saying practically, follow us as we follow the world, its spirit, its manners, its maxims, and its customs; that the day is hastening, when we shall be called to an account, and every false covering rent off. Oh, the importance of being ready for such an hour; “when the dust shall return to dust, and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it, to receive a reward according to the deeds done in the body.” I felt peaceful and easy when the meeting ended. Before the close, Joseph Edgerton said, “This is a day which the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”

Next day united with J. E. in appointing a meeting for the youth at Salem; but the meeting was not so much to my satisfaction as I could have desired, partly, I believe, on account of my own disobedience, in not strictly attending to the pointings of the Master; both before going into meeting, and afterwards. Those who preach to others must know judgment laid to the line in themselves, and righteousness to the plumb-line, or else their preaching will not profit their hearers, nor bring peace to themselves. May I learn obedience by the things that I suffer. The dear Master gives an unflattering witness in our hearts which sticks closer than a brother, and if we do not stifle its convictions, we will be led plainly to see our misses, and how to mend them, as well as to feel the answer of well done, when we have faithfully followed this heavenly monitor.

10th.—Proceeded to Springfield Select Quarterly Meeting; after which we dined at J. F’s. Before leaving there J. E. had some encouraging language to these young Friends, and I felt myself called upon to repeat the words of the Apostle, and apply it to our Society in the present day—“The Lord has not cast off his people whom He foreknew;” with some encouragement to those who were rightly exercised, not to give out though trials may abound. Then went to J. Lynch’s, where I felt my mind drawn to caution and encourage them, not to give out in the day of trial; to remember Lot’s wife, who was turned into a pillar of salt through unfaithfulness; a warning to others instead of a way-mark.

From there to Simeon Fawcett’s in the evening. His wife proposed that a chapter be read in the Bible, with which we united, and it proved an opportunity for me to cast off a burden that rested with me in regard to this family. I felt peaceful and easy afterwards, blessed be the name of Israel’s Shepherd, for when He opens none can shut, and when He shuts none can open.

Next day, attended Springfield Quarterly Meeting, where I relieved my mind, particularly in the women’s meeting, greatly tending to my own peace; and I hope some encouragement to the rightly exercised among them. Dined at J. H. Stanley’s, where we had an opportunity with his family and some other Friends, to the relief of my mind. I told them I believed the Lord would sift us until we were a people more to his praise; that all who would live godly in Christ Jesus, must be willing to suffer; that the integrity of Job’s heart kept his head above the waves of affliction; that everything seemed to combine to render him uncomfortable, and cast him down; yet he maintained his allegiance firm unto Him who is the Lord of lords, and King of kings; so may we be able, in and through all trials and besetments, as we keep the eye single to the Master, to triumph over all opposition, and become “more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Went to Goshen, and lodged at Robert Ellyson’s.

Next day, in company with J. E. and companion, rode forty miles to Job Warren’s; where J. E. had an appointed meeting to middling good satisfaction. They being the only family of Friends in that neighborhood, the meeting was held there.

13th.—Left Job Warren’s and rode twenty miles to Ravenna, where Joseph Edgerton felt his mind drawn to appoint a meeting, to be held at seven o’clock that evening. The attendance was small in consequence of several other meetings having been previously appointed; yet it proved a time of favor. One individual, a stranger to us, expressed his near unity with what he had heard said. His views in regard to the necessity of water baptism, and some other doctrinal subjects, had recently undergone a change. He hoped to be able to live so as to be united to the true disciples of Christ, or words to this import. We left this person in a very tender frame of mind, and parted under solemn feelings.

Next morning we parted with J. E., they going towards Salem, and we to Marlborough; where we arrived about noon. The concern to appoint a Meeting for Worship for the inhabitants of that town, resting with weight upon my mind, it was laid before the elders, who making no objections, it was appointed to be held next day at seven o’clock in the evening—being First-day. The meeting was held in the town hall, where we found the house about half filled with men, women and children; and such a scene of confusion on such an occasion, I never before witnessed. Some were laughing and talking aloud; some whistling and humming in a light, irreverent manner; and the prospect for a quiet settlement, to all outward appearances, was discouraging: yet my mind felt in a good degree stayed upon Him, who I believed had required me to come here. We took our seats, and trusted to his interposing power. Soon the company began to find seats, and to become more quiet and orderly. Still some kept whispering. After the meeting was pretty much gathered, I informed them, that I was a stranger among them, had come a considerable distance to be with them in a Meeting for Worship, and felt desirous that we might settle down into a quiet, waiting frame of mind, and endeavor to worship God in spirit and in Truth. After taking my seat, and remaining silent for some time, my mouth was again opened, to declare the glad tidings of the gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; and I had large and open service among them, greatly to the relief of my mind. The prospect of this meeting had for months past borne with weight on my mind, and now I was enabled through holy help to cast off a great burden. Blessed, praised and magnified be the name of Israel’s Shepherd. He brings low and raises up, and is worthy of all glory and honor forever. I was largely opened in this meeting to declare against infidelity, atheism, and all unrighteousness; and had to bear my testimony against those works of darkness, called spiritual rappings, and the workers thereof; stating my belief, that it was the devil and his agents who carried it on, and were the originators thereof. A young man, a stranger to us, expressed his satisfaction with what he had heard delivered.

Next morning proceeded back to Ravenna, where I felt a concern to have a religious opportunity with the innkeeper and his family, which was readily acceded to on their part. And we sat down together to wait upon the Lord. Here I had to revive the necessity and obligations that rest upon us, if we would be owned of Christ before his Father and the holy angels; not to deny Him before men, not to be ashamed of his cross before a crooked and perverse generation. It was to me a satisfactory opportunity; his wife appeared in a tender, sweet frame of mind, and I left them peaceful and easy. That afternoon rode twenty miles to Goshen; got to R. E’s about eight o’clock at night, and found the parents from home; but the children kind and attentive. Next morning had a religious opportunity with the children of this family; and had I delivered the whole counsel of the Lord to some of them, I should not have come away burdened as I did. I felt that there were snares cast about the feet of some of them, in which they would be taken, if a more strict watch was not maintained. I let in the reasoner, and did not acquit myself faithfully. A fear rested with me, that more than one of the young Friends then present was not willing to support our principles and testimonies in regard to some things. After hinting to one of the girls a little of my feelings, I came away with a heavy heart.

Went to Aaron Woolman’s, an honest, sincere-hearted Friend, in a declining state of health. On inquiry, he said that he suffered but little pain of body, and was favored with peace of mind; and there was such a quiet serenity to be felt in his company that needed not words to tell that the Master’s calming influence was there. I proposed the family being collected; and had some encouragement to hand forth to the young people, four in number. I exhorted them to arise, and shake themselves from everything that hindered them from the service in the Church whereunto they were called; that as the fathers and mothers were removed, there might be those to take their places. “Say not four months and then comes harvest. Lift up your eyes and look on the fields; for they are white already to harvest.” There is now a work and labor to perform, and there is no putting it off with safety; the Lord will have a people to his praise. The privileges of the birthright members of our Society if not more appreciated, will be taken from them, and if there is not a turning and returning unto the Lord, who has smitten us, many of the members of our religious Society will experience the truth of this language—“Our inheritance is turned to strangers, our houses to aliens.” That evening returned to Salem.

Next day being the 23rd of the month, attended Salem Monthly Meeting; was silent in the forepart, but towards the close of the women’s meeting the language of Pilate to the Jews, just before the crucifixion of our Savior, together with their reply, forcibly presented to the view of my mind, “Behold your King.” The Jews answered, “we have no king but Caesar.” I had to query with them, whom they owned as their king. Whether in their daily walks and conduct, they were denying the meek and humble Jesus, and following the world and the spirit of the world, thus saying in the line of their conduct, we have no king but Caesar. This testimony was close and searching, but I felt peaceful. After meeting paid a visit to an afflicted relative, for whom my mind had for several years been at times deeply exercised; believing that the offers of salvation through Jesus Christ, the only and alone way to peace and everlasting happiness, had been slighted by him, until the eleventh hour was come, or nearly so. I found it my place to tell him, that I had never felt like saying to any relation, friend or fellow creature—“Stand by yourself, for I am holier than you,” but far otherwise; yet the truth of this declaration was sealed on my mind—“Without holiness no man shall see the Lord.” That however we may be surrounded with stumbling-blocks on the right hand, and on the left, it will afford us no available excuse, when called upon to give an account of the deeds done in the body. If our day’s work is not done the fault will be our own, for He whose power is above every other power, and who has called us to glory and to virtue, is able and willing, as we look unto and trust in Him, to make a way for our escape from everything that would hinder our progress in the strait and narrow way which leads to life. I exhorted him to turn inward to the gift of grace revealed in his heart, and let the welfare of his soul have the chief place; that it was high time to wake up to the importance of being ready to meet the Bridegroom of souls, for if the oil was lacking when the midnight cry was heard, no friend, or physician, or any instrumental help would then prove availing. After supplicating the throne of grace, and commending the care and keeping of our souls unto God, I felt peaceful and easy.

Went to W. F’s, where we met J. E. and companion, and several other Friends. After spending some time in cheerful conversation, we dropped into silence, which continued uninterrupted for a considerable time; when it appeared right for me to say, that during our silent waiting together, I had been forcibly reminded of our Savior’s language to his disciples, when describing to them what great distresses and perplexities they should be witnesses of in their day and generation. There should be wars and rumors of wars—earthquakes in various places—men’s hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things that were coming upon the earth. “Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or Lo, He is there; believe it not. For as the lightning comes out of the east, and shines even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.” I had to declare that I believed it to be as needful for us in this day, to wait for the coming of the Son of man as it was for those to whom this language was then addressed. That we should not go forth at the sound of the lo, here is Christ; or lo, He is there: but to get on the watch tower, and keep on it, “dwelling in the ward whole nights.” That our early friends, by the operation of the holy Spirit upon their minds, by deep baptisms, and waiting upon the Lord in the way of his judgments; were brought to a clear discernment of the will of God concerning themselves; and were also able to detect error and wrong in others; being able to say triumphantly, “Lo, this is the Lord! we have waited for Him; we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.” As this was their experience, so as we are willing to bow before Him, in humiliation and prostration of soul, in his own time He would give us to experience that as the “lightning comes out of the east, and shines even unto the west, so shall the coming of the Son of man be.” That no disappointment awaits those who truly fear, and wait upon the Lord, in singleness of heart. Those who are truly desirous to be his followers, He will lead and guide. He will be their Urim and Thummim, their light and perfection, their all in all; and enable them to feed together in heavenly places, as certainly revealing himself spiritually to them as He did in the days of his flesh to his disciples, when He invited them on this wise, “Children come and dine.” And none of the disciples dared ask Him, “Who are you?” knowing that it was the Lord. Paid a visit to C. and S. Moore, then returned to M. J. Fawcett’s and found several young people had come in to spend the evening.

Before separating, a chapter in the Bible was read; after which I thought it right to speak of the necessity of spending our time soberly while here below. The Christian may be cheerful, but not light, trifling and vain. Those only who do the will of our Father in heaven, have a right to be cheerful. Christianity does not lead into gloominess, melancholy and despair: neither does it lead into vanity, lightness and forgetfulness of God. As we submit ourselves unto Him, letting Him “work in us to will and to do of his own good pleasure;” everything in our nature that is crooked and perverse—everything rough, snarlish and selfish, will be brought into order; all disposition to be preferred one above another, or lord it over one another, will be brought down, as we experience his gospel power operating in our hearts. While the day of mercy lasts, everything around us proclaims this language—“Pass the time of your sojourning here in fear.” “Live soberly, righteously and godly in this present world.”

Next morning rode to New Garden Monthly Meeting, but was silent throughout. J. E. had good service. I appointed a meeting for the inhabitants of this town to be held at seven o’clock same evening. It proved a time of laborious exercise, with but little relief of mind, partly owing to causes, I believe, existing with myself. I feared my communication was too lengthy, and too complex to be as profitable to the people as it otherwise might have been. Ministers must know judgment laid to the line in themselves, and a careful watch set, that they do not exceed their proper bounds, when greatly exercised for the welfare of the people; as well as not to cut short or curtail that which is given them to deliver. No relief can be obtained by prolonging such communications, when the time comes to stop, however the burden and exercises for the people may continue.

Lodged that night at Lewis Walker’s. Next morning, my mouth was opened in a religious opportunity with the family and several Friends present, to speak of the goodness, mercy and power of God; that He can keep us alive in famine. When the widow spoken of in the Scriptures, was apprehensive that the time drew near, when she and her son must die of famine, she did not sit down and despair, without doing her part towards preparing the last morsel, as she supposed, for herself and son. Before the last cake was to be baked, her faith was put to the test, but not without the promise, that if she would first bake a cake for the prophet, the meal and oil should not fail. This account shows the necessity of walking by faith, and not giving out in the darkest and most gloomy time, however long the winter may continue; and however bleak the winds; and however hard and cutting the frosts and cold thereof; yet the Lord’s power is over all. I had to speak of the necessity of keeping the faith and patience through all. That the Lord would in his own time arise and scatter the gloom and bid the winds and waves be still, and produce a calm, and replenish the souls of those who trust in Him with good things.

The same day, attended Sandy Spring Monthly Meeting. I was silent in the forepart. J. E. had a lively testimony; but the Gurneyites being rulers in that meeting, and having both the clerks, they did not record his attendance as acceptable. Towards the latter part of the women’s meeting, I found it right to revive the language of Esau, which had been uppermost with me nearly ever since taking my seat in the meeting—“Bless me, even me, oh, my Father!” I told them that I had feared, and greatly feared, that there were those present whose situation resembled Esau’s, who were crying out for the blessing, but who had not regarded their birthright; but when that nature which was appointed to die, was in great distress and hunger; they had for something to satisfy this, sold their birthright, and were now charging their leanness and distress to others who were not the cause thereof. That it would be well for such to recur, and return to first principles, lest the day come when this would be the language of their hearts—“The harvest is passed, the summer is ended and we are not saved.” Dined at Robert Miller’s, and after dinner started for home, and rode nineteen miles to Harlem—nine miles after night. Next evening, reached home in as good health as when we started, having been just three weeks out on this visit.

Chapter VI

- A Religious Visit to Pennsville Quarter and its Branches, and Many Families

- Her Testimony Against Music

- A Religious Visit to Stillwater Quarter and its Branches, and Some Families, Accompanied by Close Exercises

- Visits Meetings about Home, and Appoints some Meetings Among Non-members

- Visited Families at Guernsey

- Again Visited Stillwater

- And also Performed Religious Service within the Limits of Short-creek Monthly Meeting

- Labor with Laban Mitchell against His Going to the Army

- And a Notice of His Death Soon After

- Labor and Appointment of Meetings at Guernsey

Eleventh Month 13th, 1859.—With a Minute of concurrence from our Monthly Meeting, I set out on a visit to the meetings of Pennsville Quarterly Meeting; the weather was very cold and stormy—as much so as I ever travelled in—and my health being poor, if faith had not been given me, I should have returned home after reaching Guernsey. But believing the Master would take care of us (having Isaac Mitchell and Rebecca Wright for companions), we pursued our journey, and attended all the meetings in the limits of that quarter; and appointed a Public Meeting at McConnelsville, a town on the Muskingum River. It was large and favored. Oh, the poverty and strippedness that I experienced on going to this meeting, but such had been my exercises before giving up to appoint it, that I felt willing to become a fool, or anything that the Lord might permit for the sake of peace. And He was to me mouth and wisdom, tongue and utterance, and a present help in time of need.

The people were quiet, sober and attentive, and I thought truth triumphed over all opposition, blessed be the name of the Lord. But to return, in the Women’s Quarterly Meeting I was constrained to revive the language of the prophet Jeremiah contained in the ninth chapter, beginning with the seventeenth verse and ending with the twenty-fourth. I thought some wondered that I should thus speak, but believing it required of me, I endeavored to be faithful.

On the 21st, appointed a Meeting for the young people at Pennsville, but notice being extended beyond my request, it was very large; and not keeping close to my Guide, I stopped short in my supplication, and arose from my knees before the right time, which brought great confusion, and distress upon me, and the meeting did not end satisfactorily to myself or to others, as I have cause to believe. The Lord is a jealous God; jealous of his honor, He will not give his glory to another, or his praise to graven images, no matter how much or how highly we may have been favored heretofore, if we swerve from faithfully following the true Shepherd we will find nothing but confusion and perplexity. My sufferings after this meeting were indescribable, but in the Lord’s own time He spoke peace to my soul and raised me up from the low dungeon into which I was for a time permitted to sink. I waited patiently upon the Lord and He heard my cry and spoke peace to my greatly troubled soul. Appointed a meeting at Chesterfield for the young people which I thought a favored one. The last meeting we attended in this quarter was at Pennsville on our return home, and I might say Truth reigned over all. I had been brought very low since being there before, and now desired that whatever the Lord required of me I might perform without turning to the right hand or the left. I told them in this meeting, that they had a covering spread over, in imitation of the pure white linen—the righteousness of the saints—but it was nothing better than paper muslin, nothing that would stand the storm; that the first man is of the earth, earthly, the second man is the Lord from heaven.

That as we have borne the image of the earthly, we must, if we would be the followers of the Lamb, bear the image of the heavenly.

I had to allude to deism and universalism, and class them together, and speak plain truths to those who were tinctured with this doctrine. I afterwards found there was one young man (and how many more I know not) present, whose associates when at home were of this class. I told them that however hard it was for me to speak, or them to listen, I must be faithful and deliver the whole counsel of the Lord. After meeting, Friends spoke very kindly to me, and some with tears in their eyes, who before had been shy and distant. But I could appeal to the Searcher of hearts, that it was his honor I sought, and not my own, and so my reward was peace. In this visit within the limits of this Quarterly Meeting, I was astonished to behold such wholesale departure from Christian simplicity as was apparent in the dress of the young people. Surely the Lord’s judgments are near to come, and I had to tell them that the Lord would not be mocked; that the testimonies for which our worthy predecessors suffered imprisonment and death, many were now trampling under their feet. The children of the kingdom, if they continue to slight the offers of redeeming love to their souls, will be cast out and others called in to take their places. Oh, the grievous departures from Christian simplicity! What will we not have to suffer before we are brought back upon ancient ground.

Started for Stillwater on the 27th and arrived there the 29th, in time to attend the Select Meeting; and the day following, Stillwater Quarterly Meeting, but had nothing to communicate. Next day returned home.

Some things I have omitted to mention in their proper places, which occurred during this visit, namely: calling at a Friend’s house in Chesterfield, I inquired for the children, having been previously invited to come; and also having my mind impressed with a belief, that it would be right for me to go. The mother informed me that some of the children were at school, some from home, and two at home; one of whom was busily engaged preparing to leave home the next day to teach school. Having given them to expect I would be there that afternoon, I again made some allusion to the children’s absence. The mother replied (rather pettishly, I thought) that those who were at home, one was busily engaged packing her trunk to leave home, and the other was sick in bed. After a while one came in and sat down; it occurred to my mind that I should not be clear, without seeing the daughter, who they said was sick in bed. So I proposed going to her room, her sister leading the way. I met her at the head of the stairs, and told her, that however she might hide from man, she could not hide from God. I warned her to take heed to her ways, and ponder the paths of her feet. Not to set light by our Christian principles and testimonies; to avoid pernicious company and pernicious reading. Her sister wept much. I told them in the words of the poet, “That with the talents of an angel a man may be a fool.” They were talented young women. I said, I am unacquainted with your course of conduct; but I felt constrained to admonish them, and exhort them to walk in the fear and counsel of the Lord, and not to be stumbling-blocks, and bring a reproach upon the Truth. Then we went downstairs, where I had left their parents and my companions. But now comes another failure of mine in not delivering the whole counsel to their parents, though I said considerable by way of counsel and advice, encouraging them to discharge their duty faithfully towards their children, yet for hastening away and keeping back a part which belonged to them, my reward was not that peace which I desired. The Friend who accompanied us here, seeming to be uneasy and wishing to go sooner than I felt fully clear, informed us afterwards that she was afraid the family would think that she had been telling us how it was with them. The daughter, who was said to be in bed when we went, was, or had been, under the care of the overseers, for attending balls and places of diversion, and very much gone out in her dress and conduct from a consistent walking with Friends; and others of the children not far, if any, behind her. Oh the poor parents! One an overseer, and the other a minister. The latter, once a promising plant, and bid fair to make a pillar in the Lord’s house; the daughter of an eminent minister of the gospel in our Society. May the Lord turn his hand upon her, and purge away the dross, and take away the film from her spiritual eyes, says my soul.

On our way from Pennsville to Stillwater, we called at a private house to stay all night. The family consisted of the father and mother, and two interesting little girls. After supper, while I was talking with one of the children, the mother asked me if I would not like to hear her (the child) play on an instrument of music. I replied, No! I had no desire for such a thing. Then she asked if I would not like to see the instrument itself. I said, No! telling her at the same time, that I believed our time was given us for a better purpose than to spend in such an idle, vain and useless way. She then asked if I did not like to hear singing. I replied in the negative, explaining my views upon the subject. Her husband then coming in, and being apprised of our conversation, looked at me with some astonishment, and said, “We had a Quaker with us a short time ago, who was very much gratified in hearing our little daughter play on the dulcimer.” My companion replied, “He was not a consistent member of our Society.” “Oh, yes!” said the man, “he was an old gentleman in good standing,” or to this import. In the morning, before leaving, I embraced the opportunity of relieving my mind concerning the responsibility resting upon them as parents, to endeavor to train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and not to feed or gratify a vain mind in themselves, or their children. They heard and received what I said with marked attention and respect, and we parted with them in a very friendly way. I then went on my way rejoicing. Far different were my feelings on reflecting upon this little occurrence, than if I had shrunk from apprehended duty; and that day I realized what the Master told me, when I was doubting and questioning about appointing two meetings in the limits of Pennsville Quarter, thinking the weather might turn cold, and the roads become more difficult, and our time be too limited to reach Stillwater Quarter. As I was pondering these things in my mind and reasoning thereon, suddenly the language sounded in the ear of my soul, “Are not the winds and weather in my hand, and the way too? be obedient and all will be well.” I was hushed into silence and doubted no more. And now more beautiful weather, or a more pleasant day, or better roads than we were then travelling, the 28th of the Eleventh Month, is not often met with in this section of country, at any season of the year. So I find it is good to trust in the Lord at all times and in the greatest strait.

Sixth Month 9th, 1860.—I have just returned from a religious visit to the meetings within the limits of Stillwater Quarterly Meeting, having been from home about two weeks, during which, I have had some very close conflicts. Under the weight thereof it sometimes seemed that I could scarcely live; but the good Master helped me through. Stillwater Monthly Meeting was the first attended in which I was silent. After meeting, I requested the select members to stop. I spread a concern before them to appoint a meeting next day at the place for the young people and children belonging to that meeting; which was fully united with, and appointed to be held the next afternoon at three o’clock. Next day attended Stillwater Meeting in the forenoon and was silent therein. The afternoon meeting was well attended, and I had considerable service, in a good degree to the relief of my mind. Next day, the 28th of Fifth Month, attended Somerset Monthly Meeting, held at the Ridge; in which my mouth was opened, to speak to a tried state, or states, who were almost ready to distrust the superintending care and providence of Almighty God; because of the flood the Dragon is permitted to cast out of his mouth to destroy the living in Israel. My heart was enlarged in the love of the Gospel, to speak of the goodness, greatness and omnipotence of the Lord’s power, which is over and above every other power, and will ever remain to be—blessed be his name forever.

29th.—Attended the Select Quarterly Meeting and was silent therein. After meeting, laid before the Select members a concern that had long rested with me, to appoint a public meeting in the town of Barnesville, which was united with, and the subject left with me, and a few Friends, to attend to it when the way opens.

30th.—Attended Stillwater Quarterly Meeting, which was very large, many from other parts of the Yearly Meeting being present, it being the first time of holding the Meeting for Sufferings at that place. Y. W. spoke in the public meeting—also my cousin, Asa Branson; I was silent. When the business was nearly through, I informed women Friends that I felt a concern to have the shutters opened, and see men and women Friends together; which was united with by men and women Friends. But before I yielded to this requisition of duty, I felt that hard things would be given me to speak, if anything was required; that I said in my heart: Lord, I cannot yield; it were better for me to die than to live to be a by-word, a taunt and a ridicule; a song in the mouth of the vain and licentious; a derision to those who profess the Truth, but possess it not. Then came a great cloud of darkness over me, so that I felt the Lord’s displeasure had been kindled towards me, and I knew not what to do. After some time the spirit of supplication was given me, and I said, “Lord, here I am. Do with me as seems unto you good; require what you will, only take not your Holy Spirit from me. I will endeavor to be obedient and deliver the whole counsel.” Then the concern revived, and I spread it before Friends. After the shutters were opened, I stood up with these words: “Are there those present who are saying in their hearts, as some formerly said, ‘Prophesy unto us smooth things, prophesy deceits;’ I cannot prophesy unto you smooth things, I cannot prophesy unto you deceits, for I believe there is a terrible day approaching, when all the false resting-places will and must be broken up; when the hail will sweep away the refuge of lies and the waters overflow the hiding-places. That however any might be making their nest among the stars, exalting themselves very high, yet if their foundation was not upon the rock, Christ Jesus, they must come down.” I remembered the Word of the Lord, through the mouth of his prophet, “I judge between cattle and cattle, between the rams and the he-goats. Does it seem a small thing unto you to have eaten up the good pasture? but you must tread down with your feet the residue of your pastures? and to have drunk of the deep waters, but you must foul the residue with your feet? And as for my flock, they eat that which you have trodden with your feet, and they drink that which you have fouled with your feet. Because you have thrust with side and with shoulder, and pushed all the diseased with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad; therefore will I save my flock, and they shall no more be a prey; and I will judge between cattle and cattle. I will feed my flock, and I will cause them to lie down, says the Lord God. I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick; but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment. As a shepherd seeks out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day.” However any might be comparable to Balaam, trying to please God and man, they would be disappointed. In vain did Balaam ascend the altars which Balak had reared by his direction and cry out, “How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, and your tabernacles, O Israel!” Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his! But Balaam having followed the wages of unrighteousness, being double-eyed and double-minded, trying to please God and man, he was rejected by both. “Flee you to your place,” said Balak; “I thought to promote you unto great honor; but lo, the Lord has kept you back from honor;” and as Balaam was found slain in the enemy’s camp, so will it prove with all those who are trying to please God and man: the Lord will keep them back from honor. After this meeting, I felt satisfied that I had yielded to apprehended duty, and my mind was relieved of a burden in some degree.

31st.—Attended Sunsbury Meeting, held by appointment to pretty good satisfaction.

Sixth Month 1st.—Attended Richland Meeting, and was largely engaged therein, to my own peace, and hope in some degree to the profit of others. The subject of appointing a meeting at Sailsville, a little village five miles from Richland, pressing heavily upon me, I consulted some Friends about it, and having their concurrence and unity, the meeting was appointed and held in the afternoon the 2nd of this month. It proved a close, exercising time. I had to warn the wicked, to turn from his wicked way and live. The drunkard, the intemperate and careless professor were solemnly warned not to linger on the brink of a precipice. Rode to Stillwater, ten miles, and put up at Robert Smith’s, and this evening, while sitting in their parlor with my companion, a song of praise, accompanied with a holy solemnity, flowed through my heart; so that I could say, Lord, it is enough; at which time this language of our Savior revived in my mind, “With desire I have desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer.”

3rd.—Attended Stillwater Meeting in the forenoon, and had some encouragement to the rightly exercised, and tribulated ones among the youth, and those more advanced; and felt peaceful as to what I had delivered, but felt a great weight pressing upon me in regard to the meeting to be held this afternoon in Barnesville, which we attended; and it proved, as I expected, a laborious exercising time; insomuch that it seemed to me that the obstacles thrown in the way, would almost entirely stop the current, or circulation of life. It was largely attended, and they generally behaved well. As ability was afforded, I endeavored to relieve my mind among them; but felt after meeting very low and depressed in spirit, and weak in body. Such meetings are often very exercising to me, perhaps partly owing to the great anxiety I feel, that the Truth may not suffer by my omission or commission; for truly I have said, Lord, I have no qualification for such a service. But the answer has been, If you refuse to warn the people when I bid you, their blood will I require at your hands; and on no other ground have I dared to appoint meetings from among Friends, but from a sense of duty like unto this. The meeting had been on my mind for several years. I had to deal plainly with professor and profane, and must leave the result to Him who I apprehend required the surrender of my will herein.

4th.—Visited several families in town.

5th.—Visited some families among whom a difficulty and difference had arisen relative to temporal affairs. I exhorted them to Christian love and forbearance, believing where the Spirit of Christ is, no hard or censorious feelings can rest in our hearts against any one, much less a feeling of enmity and jealousy against a brother, sister, father or mother. I had to deal very plainly with these families, without entering into the subject matter of difficulty, warning them against hard feelings and hard reflections, and hope the Truth did not suffer. All the families treated us respectfully, cast no reflections upon one another, which was a satisfaction to my mind, for I had felt very anxious to be preserved from saying or doing anything to make matters worse among them, remembering the words of Solomon: “He that meddles with strife, belonging not to him, is like one that takes a dog by the ears.”

6th.—Attended Stillwater Meeting, in which I had a close, searching testimony, exhorting them to examine their daily walk and conduct, bringing into view, that the beasts which under the Mosaic law were considered fit for the children of Israel to eat, were those that chewed the cud and divided the hoof; the one was not sufficient without the other. So, under the Gospel dispensation, the precept and example of professing Christians must be good, and such as the Lord approves, or they will not be fit examples to follow; for while any are drawing near unto the Lord with their mouths, and their hearts far from Him, their example contradicting their precepts, this is like chewing the cud without dividing the hoof; the track of the foot, as well as the operations of the mouth, are to be taken into the account. A mere nominal profession will not do. The lights of such as these will be like a candle put under a bushel, or under a bed.

A bushel, the emblem of worldly gain,A bed, where the sluggard delights to remain.

I told them that I believed some were buried, as it were, in the earth. Some were pursuing the pleasures and pastimes of the world; and others were sleeping in an unconcerned condition, thinking to have some plausible excuse (when the time of reckoning comes) for not having occupied their talents aright, but such will fare no better than the man spoken of in the parable, who was found among the wedding guests, without the wedding garment. But what was said to the man who thus intruded?” Friend, how did you come in here without a wedding garment?” And he was speechless. “Bind him hand and foot, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” The kingdom of God is preached, and every man presses into it. How do they press into it? Some with a false hope and a dead faith, thinking to be reckoned with the wedding guests, without the wedding garment—without a change of raiment, with the old nature which is corrupt, with the filthy rags of their own righteousness; they presume to number themselves with those who are prepared to partake of the marriage feast—the signal of Divine and lasting favor in the presence of the great God and his servants forever. It seemed to me that there were some there sleeping almost the sleep of death, who needed to be awakened, who had the smell of tobacco as well as the smell of fire upon their garments and round about their houses; and I doubted if the prophet Ezekiel were there and to stamp with his foot, whether it would wake them up. The language to such was, “Awake to righteousness and sin not, for some have fallen asleep.”

In the afternoon made a visit to _______ and wife. In that opportunity I had to tell that I did believe that unless he humbled himself and came down to the footstool of his Divine Master, that the time would come, if he pursued the course he is now pursuing, that he would find himself situated as Absalom, left without any help from above or beneath. The mule went away from under Absalom, and left him hanging between earth and heaven, without any support from either. I told him that I believed he was giving his strength to the Philistines, and the consequences would be serious and awful if it continued thus. I felt reluctant thus to express myself to him, feeling nothing in my heart towards him but the love of the gospel, and I would gladly have left him without saying what I did, could I have felt peace without. Much plain talk passed between us relative to the trying condition of our religious Society, on account of the great departure from our principles and testimonies on the part of many of our members in the foremost ranks, in various places. And I think it may be the last conversation between us on that subject, as I told him I had not unity with him, and that it was only from a sense of duty that I felt at liberty to visit him. But my heart yearns with inexpressible solicitude for his welfare.

7th.—After a religious opportunity in Robert Smith’s family, I felt at liberty to return home.

Seventh Month 7th.—My spirit is low and depressed; I have to wade through much discouragement, being in very poor health as to the body, and no strength of mind only as the Lord helps me. Oh, that I was more what He would have me to be. Two weeks ago I appointed three meetings from among Friends, and have felt well satisfied in attending to this opening and requirement of duty. Truly I can say, the Lord strengthened me in a wonderful manner at Tippecanoe; a place where I had long felt a concern to appoint a meeting. It was very large, and the Lord gave me strength of body and mind, to declare the gospel of life and salvation to the people, to my own relief and admiration, and I trust the truth did not suffer.

10th.—I feel much weighed down in spirit; may the Lord be waited upon. Oh, Lord, I am unworthy of your help and counsel; be pleased, I pray you, to order my steps aright, now that I am in a great strait, having a weight of exercise and concern on my spirit. Lord help me, for vain is the help of man. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we will trust in the Lord our God.

Eighth Month 31st.—I was induced by what I apprehended my religious duty to apply to the Presbyterians about four miles from this place (Flushing) to hold a religious meeting among them. After granting the liberty, they held another consultation, and authorized their minister to let the Friends know, who made the application, that it was contrary to their doctrine and practice for a woman to speak in the church, and therefore they could not without marring the peace and harmony among themselves, grant the request. When I first received this last conclusion, I felt a kind of secret rejoicing which perhaps the Truth did not own; for I thought if I could be released from them in this way, it would be a favor; but this language presently ran through my mind: Would you rejoice in their wrong judgment and conclusion? So I have thought there was much self in their release, and also in my secret rejoicing.

Ninth Month 2nd.—Appointed a meeting in the village of Flushing for the inhabitants thereof and the neighborhood around. It was held to pretty good satisfaction. If the people knew what it cost me to appoint such meetings, they could not suppose that it was from anything short of preserving my spiritual life; for though it be against my will, yet, nevertheless, a dispensation of the gospel is committed unto me, yes, woe is me if I preach not the gospel. My cousin Asa Branson was engaged in the ministry at this meeting, and I believe to good satisfaction. Oh, that he may be preserved on the right foundation.

How many of the visited and gifted sons and daughters have been turned, and are turning aside at the cry—Lo here, or lo there is Christ, seeking an easier way to the kingdom of heaven than by the way of the cross. Having begun in the spirit they seek to be made perfect by the flesh, and hence become vessels marred on the wheel, instead of standing with their loins girt, and their feet in the bottom of Jordan, with the ark of the testimony resting on their shoulders until the people be clean passed over; or in other words, until the expectation of the people is turned away from them. Oh, the incalculable mischief that has been done in our Society of latter years by a superficial ministry. Lord help and preserve those who still remain on the right foundation, that stones of memorial may be brought up from the bottom of Jordan, showing your marvelous dealings with your people who serve you in singleness of heart. Amen, says my soul.

Ninth Month 14th.—Perhaps few, if any, know the hidden conflicts of my spirit. Oh, that my faith may be renewed and increased a little in the Lord, in whom only there is strength. Lord increase my faith in you, the only and alone sure helper, and guide your people with wisdom.

It is now nearly a year since I obtained a Minute from my Monthly Meeting, for religious service among Friends and others; and as my health has permitted and way opened in the Truth, I have not put off any duty knowingly required of me, yet some may think I am loitering.

Tenth Month 6th.—This day commenced the Select Yearly Meeting for ministers and elders. Oh, may my Urim and Thummim be with the Holy One. My spirit is bowed under awful considerations. Lord assist me, I beseech you, and enable me to do your holy will. Great indeed is the effort of the adversary to make us believe we are in a better situation than we really are. Oh Lord! undeceive us before it be too late, that we fall not a prey to the cruel Enemy. My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, under an apprehension that we shall yet have to be sifted as from sieve to sieve, notwithstanding all we have heretofore passed through. Oh, hasten the time when Mystery Babylon shall cease among us to mimic the true gospel power, life, light and truth; when the solemnity that prevails shall be the true solemnity, and not a false representation of the true. When the words spoken shall have the substance, the life, melting into tenderness the humble contrite heart, evincing the truth as it is in Jesus. Oh Lord! you only know the depths of Satan, and you only can open our eyes and instruct our spiritual understandings to count the number of the beast; and his number is limited. For you surely gave your Apostle John to see that it is the number of a man, and that his number is limited; so that by your might and your power he may be overcome. Glory to your name.

25th.—Returned the Minute to the Monthly Meeting, granted me one year ago; and felt thankful that I had not been permitted, or prevailed upon by human weakness, to return it sooner.

In the forepart of the meeting today, I felt constrained to revive this language—“Oh, that you had hearkened to my commandments! then had your peace been as a river, and your righteousness as the waves of the sea;” expressing my belief, that as we bow to the will of the Lord in all things manifested to be required, He will fill the soul with good things, giving strength and ability to praise, glorify and magnify his great and adorable name, who created the heavens and the earth, the seas and the fountains of waters. After saying considerable in this way, I felt peaceful and easy. At this meeting, I requested liberty to appoint some more meetings among those not in membership with us, and to visit the meetings belonging to our own Quarterly Meeting. Also to visit some families and individuals among Friends and others; which was united with by the meeting, and liberty given to perform the service as Truth may open the way.

Eleventh Month 17th.—The Quarterly Meeting endorsed my Minute for the service above mentioned; and my prospect then seemed to be to proceed pretty directly to appoint some meetings; but from some cause the clouds seem gathering and resting on my tabernacle; and the way closing up for moving immediately in the service. If it should altogether close up, and the will be taken for the deed, I trust that I shall be enabled to see and know and do the Master’s will herein. I am beginning to think some proving exercise awaits me, separate and apart from this service. Lord! enable me, I beseech you, to lay aside my own will in all things, so that I can say, not as I will but as you will. You have often been with me to my humble admiration, and to the filling of my heart with praise. Now, if you see fit to hide your face from me, and to prove me as in the deeps, I most ardently pray you to keep my tongue from sinning against you, and my feet from pursuing any other course than that marked out by you.

Oh, you fountain, light, life, grace and truth; you who did beget me into a lively, living and glorious hope of eternal salvation, through your dear Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, when I was without life, light, or truth in my inner parts. You who saw me and had compassion on me when I was destitute, and had none in heaven or in earth to look to but you. You who saw me in my blood, and spread your skirt of love over me. You who washed me with pure water, and put bracelets upon my hands, and shoes upon my feet; who said unto me live, when life and hope were almost extinct. You who did magnify your power in that you did raise me up, and gave me spiritual and natural life, when both seemed alike departing from me. You who have done for me what none other could do; forsake me not. Oh, you Holy One! but enable me to bear whatever you may permit to come upon me for my own refinement, or for the sake of others. I think you have a deep baptism, or baptisms, for me to pass through before entering on this service; therefore I pray you, so to order it, that I may keep the faith and the patience, and not cast away my shield as though it had not been anointed with holy oil, for I have seen your wonders in the deep, and known that you can do all things well. Amen and amen.

Twelfth Month 28th.—I am now at Guernsey, where I have been more than a week; most of the time as a close prisoner; but I feel content and resigned to my allotment, greatly craving that I may be kept in my right place. Oh, Lord! all that I ask is, that you will keep me in the place you design for me, even if it be to walk through fire, or water. I have visited a few families, appointed a meeting for the young and youngish people and children in this neighborhood; had also a religious opportunity with a young man, greatly to the relief of my mind. I warned him in an especial manner not to listen to the doctrine of infidelity, atheism, or universalism. I had to use language which was very trying to utter, but I told him as I knew nothing about his company or course of conduct (his home being in Iowa), I wanted him to receive what I said in the way it was intended—in gospel love. He afterwards acknowledged that most of his associates when at home, were universalists: that what I felt and said on that subject was right. And I think he parted with us under a feeling of conviction and tenderness. May it never be forgotten, says my soul. I have had to deliver some plain truths to individuals, without using any kind of a plaster to make them set more easy than the Master chooses; but feel that the hardest is yet to come.

When all has to be given up for the blessed Truth’s sake, then we sometimes feel what it is to be separated from those, who before had been very friendly, and even fawning towards us. Job’s integrity was put to the test more ways than one. When Satan determined to overthrow his faith in God, he left no stone unturned that he could possibly move to upset Job; but God kept him.

Oh, you fountain of all our sure mercies! will you keep me when nothing but trouble, disappointment, and affliction, both within and without, are the things permitted to come upon me? Do you be graciously pleased to bear me up until my change come, and my cup of suffering be drank, that I may praise you on the banks of deliverance.

First Month 2nd, 1861.—Yesterday, visited several families not members of our religious Society, wherein I had close and searching work, to the relief of my mind; also felt it required of me to go into a merchant’s store-room, where a number of men were gathered, and declare the gospel of life and salvation among them. After which, I felt the reward of sweet peace in a good degree; but because of the bonds and afflictions that await me, my rejoicing is of short duration. Nevertheless I have felt, and particularly yesterday, after yielding to apprehended duty, the force of this language and the truth thereof—“They who minister about holy things, live of the things of the temple; and they who wait at the altar are partakers with the altar, even so has the Lord ordained that they who preach the gospel should live of the gospel.” Under the Mosaic dispensation the priests were allowed their portion, or what was left of the meat, after offering a burnt offering, and were to eat with unleavened bread before the altar. Oh, the beauty, the dignity, the excellency of the gospel dispensation, as typified under the law of Moses. How my soul admires, and my heart adores, that power that broke through that long night of apostacy after the ushering in of the gospel dispensation, and gave our worthy predecessors to see in the glorious light of the Son of righteousness, the transcendent beauty, excellency and dignity of the gospel dispensation, when compared with the types, shadows and ceremonies of the law, and how we are required to rally to the standard of primitive Christianity; for ancient Quakerism is nothing more nor less than primitive Christianity revived. Oh, Lord! I am exceedingly distressed, undertake for me, for I have none to look unto but you for help. I pray you ease my burden, by giving me light and strength to obey your Divine requirements; even if it be again to go among the gainsaying and rebellious—the mockers and scoffers; and those that pluck off the hair and spit in the face.

Have visited several families not members among Friends, in which I had to declare the day of the Lord’s power upon all that is high and lifted up; upon all the oaks of Bashan, upon all the cedars of Lebanon. Oh, how gracious has my heavenly Father been in leading me about and instructing me.

Sixth-day, the 4th, visited a district school. I had to address a young man, in a close, warning manner, to return from his wicked way, and live. I afterwards learned he was a profligate character. I left the schoolhouse with a heavy heart, under a sense that there were those in that district, or section of country, who were the agents of Satan to lead others astray. I soon found I must appoint a Meeting for Worship in this place; which was held on the 5th, at three o’clock in the afternoon, in the same schoolhouse. The meeting was small, but I have no doubt such were there as I was required to see; for truly, I have rarely, if ever, met with so many open and barefaced gainsayers in so small a company; and mostly young people. But I had to deal plainly with them; warning them of the evil of their ways, and the consequences which must result therefrom, if they continued in their downward and pernicious course; telling them that the day would come if they did not turn unto the Lord, that He would laugh at their calamity, and mock when their fear comes. Sometimes their countenances would fall in spite of all their striving against conviction, showing that the heart was smitten; then they would rally, and muster all their force to put it from them. I cleared my conscience towards them, and encouraged the few sober ones to walk in the right path, without turning in with the gay, licentious scoffers of this day. After addressing the throne of Grace on behalf of both classes, I felt clear and easy to leave them, and truly thankful that I had given up to appoint this meeting.

9th.—Attended Guernsey Meeting; several strangers were present who do not commonly attend. Again I had to sound the warning voice to some of them, who, notwithstanding they have again and again been invited to enter into the vineyard of their own hearts and labor, are putting off the work of their soul’s salvation, until wisdom, to use the words of the poet, is pushed out of life, or nearly so; telling them not to dally and linger, lest the door of mercy be forever closed against them. Though I spoke under much bodily weakness, yet I believe the Truth required, and owned my service, and I felt peaceful and easy after meeting. Lord be pleased to keep me in my right place. I feel that snares surround me, and that bonds and afflictions abide me, from which none but your holy hand can rescue me.

23rd.—Returned from Guernsey, where I remained five weeks, visiting families, individuals, schools, etc., as way opened and my health admitted; also attended that meeting regularly as it came in course. Had not the Lord been on my side I should have fainted; such repulses in a meeting of Friends I never before remember to have felt, for nothing openly occurred to show what was the cause; but I felt those smitings that were harder to bear than open opposition or persecution. But I was favored to relieve my mind among them, at least in a considerable degree. I made forty-nine family visits in that neighborhood, including several families among those who have separated from us. Before leaving this account of my visit to Guernsey, I think is right to say, that on one occasion, after making a family visit where I had delivered what appeared required of me, both to parents and children, and had left the house; this language ran through my mind—“You must go back to _____;” it filled me with fear and trembling, and I queried why? I have said all that I thought was required of me. But the language was, “you must go back; you did not get to the root of the matter; you did not get to the bottom.” Then I felt that there were some hard feelings crept into the hearts of some of the family. But what great fear possessed my heart, lest I should be mistaken. So after trying the fleece both wet and dry, before mentioning my feelings to any one; and finding I could not return home with peace of mind without going back; in the little faith and hope which is ever safe to follow, I mentioned to my companions my concern to return to this family, which we did; requesting none but the parents and a young woman who lived with them to be present. I then plainly told them how it had been with me, since being there before; telling them if I was mistaken in my feelings, I hoped they would pass it by, and I would try to be more careful in future, at the same time remarking, that there was a secret language in my heart which said, you have not got to the root, there is a secret hardness against some which is not rooted out; but it was in great fear and trembling, lest I should be mistaken; but after fully clearing myself, I felt easy to leave; and when about to bid farewell, the individual (where it seemed to me the testimony belonged), with tears, and in much brokenness of spirit, said to me—“I am glad you came.” I said in my heart it is enough; Lord take away from me that fearful spirit which had nearly prevented me from doing your blessed will. For, truly, I felt it a great matter to go and charge any with having feelings against a friend or neighbor.

Second Month 9th.—It has presented to the view of my mind, to leave a short account of what I saw and felt on a sick bed, the 26th of the Tenth Month, 1833. On the morning of this day, I felt a great cloud of darkness come over the land. It was so great, that it was plainly to be felt, like Egyptian darkness; such a feeling as I never before experienced. It was a sore exercise to my mind, and I saw that Friends had need to turn unto the Lord, for this language sounded in the ear of my soul: “Friends everywhere turn unto the Lord; revive the ancient testimonies.” Then I requested a pen and paper, that I might write it down, which I did; and I requested that if I did not recover from that illness, that this short exhortation, above given, might be inserted in The Friend, for I saw that our Society was in a low condition, and had need to repair the broken down walls; or, in other words, to revive the ancient testimonies. Then I exhorted Friends to stand faithful to our principles and testimonies, and like Nehemiah, to labor to remove the stones out of the rubbish. Little did I then think that I should live to see such a great departure from the principles and testimonies of our religious Society, by those professing the name of Friends, as I have seen of latter years. But I fully believe the Most High God will raise up others to take the places of those among us who are the backsliding and backslidden sons and daughters, and who will be willing to suffer; yes, they will rejoice that they are accounted worthy to suffer for the very principles and testimonies, that many under our name are trampling under foot. Yes, the time will come, though I do not expect to live to see it, that from the highways and hedges, there will be living monuments and living witnesses brought into the garden enclosed, taking the places and the crowns and diadems of beauty from those who have forsaken their first love. I believe, as dear Mildred Ratcliffe said to me, not long before her death, “If there is one more vial of wrath to be poured out upon any one religious Society more than another, it will be upon the Society of Friends, or those who forsake the principles and testimonies thereof.”

Oh, Lord, I beseech you, whatever you may permit me to suffer, or pass through for your name’s sake, preserve me from casting away my confidence in you, or becoming a prey to the wiles of Satan. Amen.

11th.—My soul is exceedingly sorrowful. Lord, have mercy upon me.

Fourth Month 12th.—Returned from a little visit within the limits of Stillwater Quarterly Meeting. Appointed two meetings among those not in membership with us, and visited several families; also attended Ridge Meeting yesterday, but for not minding my steps on the way home, I have had to suffer much. While out on this visit, on passing through a little village near Sunsbury, coming opposite a blacksmith’s shop, this language ran through my mind: “Stop at the proper point,” and it seemed required of me to stop and go in. It was snowing fast, and I gave way to reasoning, and suffered myself to go on, without mentioning the subject to my companions; but before we got far, my burden increased so much, that I told my companions how it was with me, and that I had a great load upon my spirit. They proposed that we should go back, which we did in the evening. After dining at J. L’s we had a religious opportunity with the family. Oh, the sorrow and distress that came over my spirit on account of some of the children, but I endeavored to clear myself, and leave all to the Master. We then went to the blacksmith’s shop, where we stopped and went in; saw the proprietor, with a number of others, who collected in when they heard the sound of my voice; for I had to declare unto them the Gospel of life and salvation, exhorting them not to spend their time in lightness, irreverence and forgetfulness of God. I had considerable to communicate to the owner of the shop and those assembled, both male and female. Then left them with a peaceful mind, very different compared with my feelings when I passed by this place. Oh! what can be compared to a wounded spirit; but being blindfolded, and required to trust wholly to the leadings of my good Master, how I have had to rejoice when I have yielded perfect obedience thereto. But not always being willing enough to walk by faith, my heart is pained on account thereof, and I fear I shall never become that obedient servant that the Lord would have me to be. Were it not that I can now lift up my eyes upon the brazen serpent, like unto the children of Israel in the wilderness, when they were bitten by serpents, I should sink and despair; or, in other words, hoping on the mercy of God through Christ Jesus, who takes away the sin of the world, I am kept from sinking below hope; for the enemy has injected his poison and induced me by his subtlety to return home before the Master fully liberated me, thus spoiling my peace, and causing great distress of mind. And I can say, Lord, have mercy upon me, a sinner; encamp round about me, and keep me from the sin of omission and commission.

30th.—My mind is greatly oppressed. Oh Lord, undertake for me, and show me if it be your will the cause of my great distress.

Fifth Month 5th.—Left home to meet with the boarding school committee; also with a prospect of visiting the meetings and some families within the limits of Short Creek Monthly Meeting.

6th.—Met with the school committee at Mt. Pleasant; then back to N. Hall’s at Harrisville, and feel no liberty to return home.

7th.—Visited two innkeepers and their families, in the town of Harrisville; also had considerable to say by way of counsel, warning and encouragement, in the bar-rooms at both places, several being present, warning them to spend their time more to the glory of God—to forsake the foolish practices, pastimes and sinful pleasures in which many were engaged, and turn unto the Lord. Great plainness of speech was given me to utter, at which they did not appear to mock. Visited one other family (not members with us) of some note in the town, but the cup is very bitter. Lord, assist me, or I shall utterly fail of strength.

10th.—Still at Harrisville. Oh, Lord! be pleased to look down upon me with compassionate regard, for my soul is troubled. Keep me, I beseech you, in the hollow of your holy hand, for my sorrows are stirred within me. May I be kept faithful, is all that I ask of my God, and not do, or leave undone, anything contrary to his Divine will. Yesterday had to attend their week-day meeting at this place with my apron on, and such other attire as the Master required; without fixing, fashion or finery. I said in my heart, Lord, if you deal thus with me, it were better for me to die than to live; but I had to wash and anoint rather than appear unto men to fast. I feel that bonds and afflictions abide with me, and am almost constantly reminded of the bread which Ezekiel was commanded to bake, and partake of it. That which is loathsome to myself and others I must partake of. That which my soul refuses to touch has become my sorrowful meat. Oh, that I may so dwell that nothing may hinder me from a faithful fulfillment of all required of me. I must become a sign to others, and some may have to remember it, when my head is laid in the grave; had I known what would have been required of me before I came here, I know not that I should have had strength to come; but my bodily health is better than when I left home.

14th.—Yesterday my mind was much solemnized in the little Select Preparative Meeting here, which consists of only three members, two having recently moved away. I said in my heart, Lord, you have all power, and can break the bonds and fetters, and can cause the two-leaved gates to open whenever you will; be pleased to keep me in my proper allotment, and my soul was filled with a song of praise, but with this precaution: “Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.” Last First-day, the 12th, and also in the mid-week meeting (at this place), I had some service in the ministry, in some degree to the relief of my mind; yet I feel that the watch must be strictly kept, to accomplish the remainder of service, which may be allotted me here, to the honor of Truth.

25th.—If any one should ever see these lines, let me encourage such to trust in the Lord. Great have been the conflicts of my spirit, insomuch that I have almost despaired of life. But God, who quickens the dead, has kept my head above the waves and billows hitherto—at least so far as not to permit me to be totally overwhelmed. I am still at Harrisville, but think the way will before long open for removing to another place. I have to pitch my tent first in one place and then in another, as the Master appoints. May I never become a prey to the wiles of the devil.

Sixth Month 4th.—I am now at Concord. Have been here more than a week, and have attended two meetings as they came in course. How much longer I may have to stay I cannot tell. Feel today exercised in mind more than since I came. I have to appear as a fool in my dress. The children are looking for something fine and fixed, but I must set an example of great simplicity. It costs me much conflict of mind to be for a sign unto others; more than I could bear if the Lord did not support me in it.

22nd.—I have now been at Concord nearly four weeks, shut up a close prisoner most of the time, not knowing when the Master will give me the word of command to depart hence. I appointed a meeting here for the young people and children, which was well attended, and I thought a solid meeting. Also attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting on the 17th, and was favored with Divine strength to declare the greatness and goodness of our Savior’s love to those who serve Him faithfully, and how He causes them to triumph over all their spiritual enemies, and to become more than conquerors through Him who loved them. I trust I am learning the lesson of patience somewhat, for I have felt more cheerful and composed in this imprisonment than I once thought it possible for me to be. People may think that as I have no family to care for, I might perhaps be the more willing to pitch my tent first in one place and then in another. But how little do they know the strokes it has taken, to make me able to say, “Not as I will, but as you will.” Oh, the hurry of spirit which I naturally possess to get from under the cross; it has to be with me that of dying daily; but I believe we may attain to that state wherein every thought can centre in this: “Not as I will, O Lord, but as you will,” and this is a work of the greatest importance, and essentially necessary that we may become heirs of the kingdom of heaven.

Harrisville, Seventh Month 19th.—The Lord has been graciously pleased to help me through many straits since I left home, which has been more than ten weeks. Little did I suppose, when I attended to that small opening which led me first into this neighborhood, that I should have been kept so long in the verge of this Monthly Meeting. How marvelous are the ways of the Almighty. Man cannot find them out or fathom them by all his boasted wisdom. Lord, be pleased to be with me, and make me willing to give up and surrender my life and my all into your hands, if I become a by-word, a hissing and a reproach all the day long in the mouth of gainsayers, I feel that you have many things to say unto me which I am not yet able to bear. Oh, guide and guard my footsteps in this critical time—Yes, this critical time.

Seventh Month 31st.—Oh, God! My God! You have brought me very low. Cause me not to stumble upon the dark mountains, which rise up to oppose my pathway; Lord, assist, or I perish. My hope is in you, the Fountain of light and life.

Eighth Month 1st.—It is now more than twelve weeks since I first came into this neighborhood (Harrisville). Have spent five weeks at Concord and two at the boarding school; visiting meetings as they came in course at Concord; the school at Smithfield and Harrisville; also visited all the families of Friends at Smithfield and some at Harrisville. None but the Lord knows what I have had to pass through during this time. Today had to go as one who regarded not the outward appearance, and have had to go into families and meetings in such attire as to be a gazing stock to others. I have said, Lord, if you deal thus with me, take away my life; and He has answered me on this wise: “Have I not as yet allowed you decent clothing? You must be a sign against the pride of this day and age, and against the pride of this people.” If the Lord had not sustained me, I must have sunk under this burden.

Eighth Month 14th.—Attended the funeral of Mary Thomas at West Grove, who died suddenly of apoplexy. It was a very large gathering; and in fear and trembling I had to sound the warning voice: “You also be ready, for at such a time as you think not, the Son of man comes.” I had to warn the proud and thoughtless not to put off their day’s work until it was too late. The same day returned to Flushing, after an absence of fourteen weeks, with the feeling of an unprofitable servant; but with the belief that I could not have returned sooner without a guilty conscience, which I have not felt in the retrospect.

15th.—Attended our Quarterly Meeting held at Flushing, which was larger than usual. In the forepart of this meeting, I had to revive the language of the Most High through the mouth of his prophet: “Blow you the trumpet in the land. Cry, gather together and say, Assemble yourselves, and let us go into the defenced cities. Set up the standard toward Zion; retire, stay not, for I will bring evil from the north, and a great destruction. The lion is come up from his thicket, and the destroyer of the Gentiles is on his way.” Believing, and having to declare that the Lord would mar the pride of this people and this nation, even as He marred the pride of Judah and Jerusalem in the days of old, which was signified and foretold by the prophet Jeremiah, when he was commanded of the Lord to hide the linen girdle by the river Euphrates, which, when he took again, behold it was marred; so will the Lord mar the pride of this people and this nation, and the language to many is in this day, Return, stay not upon the ground you occupy, which is a false resting-place; lift up the standard towards Zion, retire there; there wait upon the Lord, that you may experience your “place of defence to be the munitions of rocks, your bread to be given you and your water to be sure.”

18th.—First-day morning, I felt my mind greatly oppressed and distressed. When I went to meeting, the burden increased; and I had to proclaim the gospel of life and peace to the people, declaring against the unlawfulness of war under the Christian dispensation, feeling that there were some in imminent danger of being drawn away and taken captive by the delusive baits of the enemy on the subject of war; and warning them in an impressive manner to flee from the snares of the adversary. In the afternoon of this day, I could feel no peace of mind without going to see a young man in the neighborhood, who I believed was one cause of my distress, he being a member of our religious Society. I had to deal very plainly with him, telling him, I knew not why I should feel thus exercised on his account, but perhaps he could tell: I told him that I believed if he pursued the course he was designing, that the cup of trembling would be taken out of the hands of those who were afflicted for him and given to him to drink, and he would have to drink the very dregs thereof. He seemed much brought down and contrited for the present, weeping freely; but I had little hope of his amendment, but felt that I must be clear of his blood, let him take what course he might. Next morning I learned that he had the evening before my visit enlisted as a soldier in the army; or given his word that he would serve if called on. After this he was in great conflict of mind at times, rather giving his parents and friends to hope that he would decline his intentions to serve as a soldier, having the liberty to do so; but alas! the thirst for honor and military fame overcame his better feelings and judgment.

Twelfth Month 12th.—None can comprehend the dealings of the Lord with my soul, but those who may pass through or experience similar exercises. Oh, the openings and shuttings which are my attendants, the heights and depths through which He leads me, the tossings, the calmings. Truly I can say as Job, “You hunt me as a fierce lion; and again, you show yourself marvelous upon me.” Sometimes I am tempted to despair, and again I see his matchless, marvelous love and mercy; so that I can say with his help, deal with me as seems unto you good. Oh, that I may not make shipwreck of faith and a good conscience, is the earnest travail of my soul.

First Month 8th, 1862.—At Guernsey, today, heard of the death of L. M., the young man before alluded to. He had joined the army and gone into Kentucky with other soldiers, where he remained some weeks, anxiously looking towards the time when he would be engaged in actual fighting, as he signified in a letter which he wrote home to his friends, before his death. But He who holds our lives in his hand, saw fit before he was called into action, or permitted to shed the blood of his fellow-man, to cut him off with typhoid fever, far from home, and it is to be feared without a sympathizing friend near him. A day or two before I heard of his death, and as I was sitting alone in a thoughtful, serious frame of mind, this language sounded in my mental ears: “L. M. is dead;” and it then presented to my mind to go and write it down; but as I was about to do so, a reasoning took hold of my mind, and I thought it might only be imagination. Oh, how I have been exercised for this young man; but now the conflict is over, his sentence sealed, and an awful warning left to others not to sin out their day of Grace. Far, very far, am I from limiting the Holy One of Israel, or saying that it is impossible that this young man should have experienced repentance before he was taken hence; but very certain I am that he had some, yes many loud calls and warnings before he finally gave up to go counter to all his friends’ advice, and stifle the convictions of Truth in his own mind; so as to join in with the unchristian practice of taking the life of our fellow creatures.

12th.—Appointed a meeting this afternoon at Belmont. It was held in the Methodist Meetinghouse, but the day being very rainy, it was small. I had to bring things close home to the few in attendance, but what I had to say appeared to be well received, and it was a solid meeting.

14th.—Had a meeting at Londonderry, a village four miles from Guernsey. It was well attended, and considering the number of light and frothy spirits present, I thought it a quiet meeting. Oh, the vanity apparent in this age: surely the Lord will bring judgment home to the hearts, and upon the heads of many who are now soaring in pride and wantonness. It may be too late to lay these things to heart, when the stroke of death comes.

15th.—My soul is very sorrowful; the judgments of the Lord are in the land, but the inhabitants do not learn righteousness. Oh Lord! you are greatly to be feared: but who does love, fear, and serve you as they ought. My spirit bows and craves that your all-sustaining power may continue to be my protection in this time of deep proving, when all terrestrial things fail to afford support to the mind of a poor pilgrim, where so much wickedness abounds.

Help me, Oh Lord, for vain is the help of man. Assist me, or I sink where there is no standing. Prove me, and let not the enemy triumph over me. Teach me, and let not my candle go out, or my candle-stick be removed out of its place. Gather my wandering thoughts and centre them upon you. Stay the rolling billows, and hush the furious storm; and speak peace to the raging waves of this troubled sea, upon which this bark is now sailing. Amen and amen. I eat but little pleasant bread, and am often ready to faint by the way, being much bowed down on account of the great distress in the land. And to see people in the midst of war and bloodshed, so lighthearted and vain, as many are, is distressing in the extreme. I am often ready to say, I will speak no more in the name of the Lord. But then his word is as a fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with withholding. Then the language of my heart is, Lord, give me strength to perform your will; then I will not regard what man may say or do. Oh, the lovingkindness of the Lord to a gainsaying, rebellious, backsliding and backslidden people. My soul can testify to his goodness, even in the depths of distress, for out of the low dungeon has He heard my cry. When shut up and enclosed in darkness, the Lord showed me his marvelous light, for none other could have done for me what the Lord has done, blessed be his name. Whether I continue faithful, I can testify that the Lord is faithful and gracious towards all who look to Him with a single eye for help. Oh, my soul, trust in Him, come what may, life or death, sickness or health, and never cast away your confidence in his arm of power.

24th.—Today was held our Monthly Meeting, and I still feel no liberty to return the Minute granted me more than a year ago. This is a very humiliating path to walk in; very little active service seems required of me, but passive obedience and submission to the will of the Lord. Often, of late, has this language ran through my mind—“The things concerning me have an end.” Oh, if I should strive against the will of the Almighty, it would indeed bring spiritual death and perhaps the death of the body also. None but the Lord knows the secret travail of my soul, at times it seems as if it would waste the flesh from my bones, and nothing can give me ease but the ability to say—“Not as I will but as you will, oh Lord.” In the forepart of the meeting, today, my spirit was much prostrated in fervent, silent supplication before the Lord, at which time my cousin Asa Branson knelt in vocal supplication, and I thought it a season of some favor, as the Lord gave us a little evidence that we were not forsaken.

Second Month 15th.—Visited a sick man and his family, with whom I had a religious opportunity, both in counsel and encouragement to the sick, and those in health; and also felt it right to address the Father of mercies in vocal supplication on their behalf; but for not vocally interceding on behalf of the aged grandfather of the family then present, I have felt very sorrowful in letting this opportunity pass away without faithfully doing my duty. When shall I learn perfect obedience to the will of God.

19th.—This is the week of our Monthly Meeting, and my mind is again brought into exercise about returning my Minute. Oh, you fountain and source of all good, look upon me, I beseech you, and order all things concerning me to your glory; then will I not be afraid, whatever man may say or do. Amen.

Father of light, life, grace and truth, you who see and know the hearts of all, have compassion upon me, try me and prove me, and let not my gray hairs come to the grave in sorrow on account of unfaithfulness to your commands, however hard to flesh and blood it may be to obey. Give me strength, I beseech you, then will I not be afraid, or fear the face of man, though they scorn or scoff at the words which you give me to declare unto them. Have compassion upon them, oh God, who scoff, mock and deride; that they may come to know and understand what it is to live in your fear and obey your counsel before it be too late. Plead with them in judgment, mingled with mercy; that the vial of your wrath may never be poured out upon them unmingled with mercy.

Chapter VII

- Appointment of a Meeting at Georgetown, and other Service in that Vicinity

- A Pointed Testimony at Micajah Johnson’s

- Beginning of the Civil War, and Her Exercises Concerning it

- Exercises and Service about Harrisville and Mt. Pleasant

- A Visit to Two Despondent Persons at Stillwater

- Again Visits Salem and Springfield Meetings

- Neglects an Apprehended Duty at the Town of Barnesville

- An Acknowledgment and Regret Over other Omissions

- Death of Micajah Johnson

- Frequent Sufferings of Spirit on Account of the War

- Again Visits Salem and Springfield Quarters and their Branches

Third Month 22nd.—I have just returned from Guernsey, where I have been again spending some weeks attending meetings there as they came in course. Oh, the bitterness of that portion meted out to me. I have said in my heart, when will I learn passive obedience and submission to the Lord’s will, and glory in nothing save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Though I have been tempted and tried in a manner I never anticipated, yet the streams of Divine consolation have been such, that I have no language to set forth the mercy of God to my soul in this little visit.

The Lord laid it upon me to attend the funeral of a man, who about a year ago refused me a religious opportunity in his family; though I could not see for what; but when the interment was over, and before the people left the ground, I was moved to step forward near the grave, and proclaim this language—The strong men shall bow themselves—exhorting, warning and inviting those present to prepare for such a solemn event. I had not much to say, but in a short testimony for the Truth I felt sweet peace. Several opportunities I had with individuals, greatly to the relief of my mind; besides opportunities in meetings at this place to the acknowledgment of the power, wisdom and goodness of God to those who do indeed love and serve Him.

28th.—I desire nothing so much as a preparation to serve the Lord. I feel that I have no time to do my own will. I believe bonds and afflictions abide me if I continue faithful in the further prosecution of this visit. Oh, that I may not be permitted to shrink from any suffering needful for me to endure, in filling up in my flesh the “afflictions of Christ which are behind for his body’s sake, which is his Church.”

Fifth Month 15th.—Attended our Quarterly Meeting, in which I had considerable to say, by way of encouragement, to the low, desponding little ones, and felt peace afterwards.

17th.—Went to Harrisville in company with J. and R. Hobson, in order to attend a prospect which has for some time rested with weight on my mind; that of appointing a meeting at Georgetown, a small village about three miles from Harrisville. John W. Smith and Joseph Hobson went over the same evening and made arrangements for the meeting, which was held next day at three o’clock p.m. It was well attended, and proved a relieving time to my mind. I had to speak plain truths to professors and profane, beginning with these words—“There is no peace to the wicked, says my God.”

Many were there of various descriptions, and I trust the Truth did not suffer. Stayed all night with cousin Abraham Branson, who with his family have joined with the Separatists (or Gurneyites), from our Yearly Meeting in 1854. They were very kind. In the morning, after a religious opportunity, he and his wife expressed satisfaction with the visit; cousin A. saying he could wish I might oftener visit them. After this we went to Micajah Johnson’s. But what shall I say concerning this visit. The cup given me to drink, both before and after going to this house, was indeed the cup of trembling. The Master gave the word of command, and bade me not to turn to the right hand, or the left. He bade me loose the strings of my shoes and take them off my feet; and take the covering off my head, and to tell Micajah Johnson in the presence of his wife, that so the Lord would rend every covering that was not of his Holy Spirit; and take away the false resting places; and deal with us according to our deserts; that there was no biding from Him. I was not deranged, or out of my right mind, but was commanded to be a sign unto him. The door of mercy was still open, and the hand of the Lord still stretched out for his recovery from all that had let and hindered him from coming into the obedience required. There was no time to dally or put off the work of repentance, and amendment of life. Great plainness of speech and Christian boldness was given me to declare the whole counsel of the Lord to this individual; whether he will hear or forbear.

I then addressed his wife, entreating her to endeavor to come into a situation comparable to that of the Shunamite of old; a situation in which she could intercede, not only for her own spiritual life, but that of her husband and children. Having previously addressed their two daughters, and requested them to withdraw before I said anything to the parents, I now found I must make some efforts to see their two sons. The eldest refused to give us his company, and the younger being from home, was sent for, and came presently; to whom the language of warning, encouragement, and entreaty, to live soberly, righteously and godly, while the Lord was pleased to continue his mercy towards him. My mind was greatly relieved of a heavy burden. On taking leave of this family the father requested Joseph Hobson to inform me (I being very dull of hearing) that he was glad of the visit.

In the afternoon of the same day I went to see Nathan Smith, who had requested his son-in-law to let me know that he would be glad to see me. Some years ago, as this Friend was about to engage in marriage with an individual not in membership with Friends, I used great plainness of speech to him, concerning the impropriety and sin of such an engagement. He was then a member of the Meeting for Sufferings; had a large family of children; his former wife having been deceased some years. Oh, what a delusion came over him; and notwithstanding many Friends warned and counseled him against the procedure, yet he persisted therein; but now he seems to realize in some measure his situation; and seemed willing to receive whatever might be in store for him in the way of counsel or admonition. I had to remind him of the brazen serpent which Moses lifted up in the wilderness; when those who were bitten by serpents, looked upon it, they were healed; which was a type of the Messiah. Christ Jesus is He who can heal all the bites and wounds of the old serpent the devil, which He inflicts upon us poor, frail, finite creatures. I had to encourage him to look to this source for help, even unto Him who is the healer of breaches, and the restorer of paths to walk in. Poor man, he seemed very glad of our visit, expressing his thankfulness several times for the favor granted. His wife, stepdaughter and granddaughter were present.

20th.—Attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting; was silent in the forepart but had a word of encouragement to the destitute and afflicted in the latter part; returned home the same evening.

21st.—Attended the funeral of Maria Hosier; a single woman who lived alone; and as she lived, so she died, without anyone being present, though a Friend was in an adjoining room. Maria being desirous to be left alone until a certain hour, when the Friend went in she found the last struggle was over. Great silence prevailed while we were sitting beside the corpse, indicative, as I thought, of a happy release from the shackles of mortality. After the corpse was interred, I had a short testimony to deliver to the vain, profligate and wondering sons and daughters; warning them to prepare for such a solemn event, when dust returns to dust, and the spirit to God who gave it.

28th.—I had an appointed meeting at Wrightstown, or Belmont, among those not of our Society. Many attended, more than the house could hold. It was held in the town hall, and I thought it a favored meeting in a good degree; but how changed am I now; so empty, so distressed, so forsaken, and yet hoping against hope, nothing to trust to but the mercy of God. Oh, the war and bloodshed which is prevailing in this land; it is so grievous to my feelings, that I can hardly retire to bed when the hour for rest comes; or eat my meals with any comfort; but I must leave it with the Lord who will do right.

Eighth Month 3rd.—Appointed a meeting for the young people and children in our neighborhood. It was well attended, and the Lord gave me a plain testimony to deliver concerning the unlawfulness of war under the gospel dispensation. Many members in various parts of our religious Society in this country are joining the army. Oh Lord, cause the sword to be sheathed, if consistent with your will, says my soul.

Eighth Month 13th.—Visited William Kirk, who is making up a company of volunteers for the army, himself to be their captain. I was strengthened to cast off a great weight and burden, which had rested on my mind concerning this individual, and another whom I requested to give us his company. William being a member of the Baptist society, and the other a leading Methodist. I sought to deliver the whole counsel of God to these individuals, and kept nothing back which He gave me to utter. I used great plainness of speech in regard to the inconsistency of war with the gospel dispensation; yet no offence was taken. I told them that I knew there was a law recently made to imprison any one, who by word or action should discourage any from volunteering; yet I regarded the law of the Lord more than the law of man; and paramount to the laws of the land. I requested and warned William not to violate his conscientious scruples, nor press others to do so: that he would be held accountable, as those concerning whom it was said, “Woe unto him who strives with his Maker! Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth.” After supplicating the throne of Grace on their behalf, I left them with a thankful heart for having given up to this requirement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who said, “my kingdom is not of this world, else would my servants fight.” On bidding William Kirk farewell, he expressed his thankfulness for the visit, saying, it was well timed.

14th.—Greatly bowed down and oppressed day after day. Lord have mercy upon me, and keep me from the wiles of the devil who is trying to upset my faith and hope in you, the sovereign Ruler of the universe.

10th.—Yesterday was our Quarterly Meeting. In the women’s meeting I had to deal plainly with those who were indulging in the vain fashions of the world. That the Lord’s judgments were not slumbering; but would come upon us for our manifold sins and transgressions. That it would be well for those who experience judgment laid to the line and righteousness to the plumbline in the temple of their hearts, to break down their stubborn wills; for when judgment comes without mercy then it will be too late for repentance and amendment of our ways and doings. I had, also, at this time to tell Friends that there was a specific and certain remedy for sleeping in meeting, and those who wrestled aright for the blessing would be favored to overcome, and be made more than conquerors through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

21st.—Today was our Monthly Meeting held at Guernsey. We went down and returned the same day. Shall I ever forget our morning ride. It was the day appointed for a company of volunteers to meet at Belmont Ridge, and from there proceed south to the martial field. Oh, that men were wise with that wisdom which they so highly profess, even the Christian religion, which would, if people were really in possession thereof, put an end to all war and fighting with carnal weapons. The Lord’s name be praised that there are still left in Christendom those who cannot fight for any earthly consideration. Many young men, not yet arrived to the age of twenty-one, were in this company; some with downcast and sorrowful countenances; weeping mothers accompanying their sons—wives their husbands, and sisters their brothers, to some parting spot, never again, perhaps, to meet in mutability. After witnessing this sight, I felt the testimony very precious, that was given Friends to bear against all war and military performances; and I felt it right to encourage Friends to maintain this testimony faithfully, even if it be to imprisonment, and death.

31st.—Attended the funeral of S. C., who died of a short illness, leaving a wife and three small children. It was very large, being on First-day afternoon. I was exercised at the graveyard, in warning the people to work while it is day; to “walk in the light, while they have the light.” I was much concerned, and exercised for those who are lukewarm and careless, putting off their day’s work till a more convenient season. I had been quite ill several days previous; and felt scarcely able to attend, but the Lord strengthened me both in body and mind, to deliver a warning and exhortation to the people on this occasion.

Ninth Month 14th.—Oh, the war! When will it please the Almighty to cause this grievous calamity to cease? I often feel (comparatively speaking) as if I were on the battle-field, witnessing the great perils to which the poor soldiers are subjected, and the sufferings of the wounded and dying. It seems to me, that I could not have endured the agony of mind this war has occasioned me, especially at times, when great slaughter has been going on (having a sense of it), if the Lord did not sustain me in and under it. On the day of the first great struggle at Bull Run, as I was riding along the road with some Friends; I felt an intimation that the great slaughter was going on; and might have mentioned it to the Friends, but forbore; so also at other times. Wonderful it is what has been permitted to befall us, and still we are not humbled.

Tenth Month 20th.—Lord, you know the depths of distress that have come upon me, for the further trial of my faith, and the purification of my heart; I beseech you to preserve me in patience, or I sink below hope. The fiery trials which are to try me are in your hands, and into your hands I commit body, soul and spirit. Amen.

On the 19th, appointed a Meeting for Worship, about five miles from home, among the Presbyterians. It was a laborious time, because of a feeling of opposition to the doctrines advanced, but the people were generally sober and well-behaved.

Eleventh Month 27th.—At Harrisville. The exercises of my mind are greater than I well know how to bear. Oh, Lord! strengthen me to endure, for my soul is sore broken within me: my soul lies prostrate before you, and my spirit craves that you will not permit me, like Esau, to sell my birthright for a mess of pottage. Oh! how have you dealt with me, causing me to become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. All that I now ask, all that I now crave, is, that you will not let me become a prey to the adversary, whatever else comes upon me. This day two weeks ago, being the time of our Quarterly Meeting held at this place, I believed it right to remain, and here I have been most of the time since, at W. H’s. When it may please the Lord to change this dispensation I know not; but I do pray for strength to continue steadfast unto the end.

29th.—I have said in my heart, surely I shall be swallowed up in my distress; greater trials and distress may yet come upon me. The Lord only knows the end from the beginning.

Twelfth Month 9th.—Oh, you God of my life, preserve me, I beseech you, that I may do no harm on the right hand or the left. You have laid a great work upon me, permit me not, I entreat you, to fall a prey to the adversary of my soul’s peace.

17th.—It has been five weeks today since I came into this neighborhood, most of the time a close prisoner; except attending meetings as they come in course. The Lord knows the exercise of faith and patience it requires thus to be shut up, not seeing the ground thereof, save to know that it is from Him who makes the morning darkness and treads upon the high places of the earth, and declares unto man what is his thought. The Lord of hosts is his name. I have visited six families in this neighborhood; three at Mount Pleasant, and a school taught by George K. Jenkins; besides, I have had very close exercise, and labor with some individuals. I have sometimes of late thought that I was learning this lesson by the hardest way: that of being content in the situation the Lord appoints for me. But pretty soon I find some root of discontent and dislike springing up in me, which causes me to remember the language of the Apostle—“If any man think that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know.” I have thought too, of latter time, that I knew what it was in some degree to rejoice in tribulation, “knowing that tribulation works patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” May I learn perfect obedience by the things that I suffer.

19th.—Yesterday, in the Preparative Meeting at this place, I had close things to communicate to some present, hard to be uttered. Several times since being here at this time, I have had very close work in this meeting; also with several individuals; so much so, that if the Lord had not sustained me and held me up, I had not had strength to have gone on, but must have fainted by the way. You know, oh Lord, the integrity of my heart, and my desire to serve you only and alone; be pleased to be with me the remainder of my days, and then lead where you will, only strengthen me to follow in the regeneration.

21st.—Oh, Lord! you have been very gracious unto my soul. I will praise you with my whole heart, for you have given me the gates of my enemies. I cried unto you with my whole heart, and you looked upon my affliction. May I never distrust your power, for you make darkness your pavilion, and tread upon the high places of the earth: whichever way I turn you meet me with your flaming sword to slay that within me that your righteous controversy is with. Blessed, praised and magnified be your name forever, and let all the world say amen.

22nd.—“He took me, He drew me out of many waters.” This language, with a song of praise, so filled my heart last evening, that I thought the Lord was very near me with his goodness and mercy. He has wrought deliverance for me when the waves of affliction were ready to engulf, and the artifices of the deceiver of mankind strong and very subtle to lay waste my faith; so that, had I not cried with my whole heart unto the Lord, I should surely have been swallowed up.

23rd.—When I said I shall be swallowed up, then, oh Lord, you did strengthen my soul; when the gates of brass, and the bars of iron, were round about me, seeming immovable forever; then you bade me trust in you, so that a bow of steel has been broken by my arm. Blessed and praised be your name forever and forever more.

This day attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting, in which very hard things were given me to deliver; but strength was given for the emergency, and very peaceful has been the retrospect concerning the testimony delivered in that meeting: I had to revive the words of the prophet Ezekiel contained in the twelfth chapter, when he was set for a sign to the rebellious house of Israel. He was commanded to prepare his stuff for removing, and remove by day in their sight, carrying his burden upon his own shoulders, and covering his face that he should not see the ground. He was also to dig through with his hand, and carry out his stuff thereby; as those who go into captivity; and he did as the Lord commanded him. In the morning the word of the Lord came unto him, showing him what these things meant, and bidding him declare it unto the rebellious house.

I told Friends that I had been held captive among them week after week, while my face had been covered, that I had not seen the ground, or cause of my tarriance, or exercises; that I had to bear my own burdens, and dig through a wall of opposition in order to walk in the obedience of faith; but now I believed it right for me to tell them, that it had appeared to me that I was set for a sign among them. Many no doubt querying, What are you doing? Why do you tarry so long among us? What good can such a strange and unaccountable act as that of keeping your Minute so long, do? But now it was for me to tell them, that unless there was a deepening in the root of life and speedily turning unto the Lord, they would go into captivity, even the princes of the people, and die there, though they should see it, or know it. That this vision concerns the princes of Jerusalem, and all the house of Israel that are with them. Samson was a strong man, a judge in Israel, but through the importunity of Delilah, he was shorn of his strength, and those who were in any way compromising our precious testimony against war were in danger of being shorn of their strength, and those who could pay a bounty tax to induce volunteers to join the army, had already some of their seven locks taken off. I knew of none in that meeting that had done so, but if there were any, they were in a dangerous situation. Much more I had to say in the way of warning, counsel and encouragement, to turn with the whole heart unto the Lord.

24th.—Received a few lines this morning from a leading Friend of this meeting, saying, that he believed my communication yesterday towards the close of their Monthly Meeting, was in the authority of Truth, and partly, if not altogether for himself. That he had been drawn into a snare to pay the bounty tax, not only for himself, but for several of his friends; that no act of his life had given him so much uneasiness, though it was altogether unintentional, when he went to pay his common tax, to pay the bounty; yet for lack of making proper investigation into the matter, and not properly keeping the watch, he had been drawn into the snare, and balked that precious testimony, which he ought to have been the first, or among the first, to have supported. Friends have now in the limits of that Monthly Meeting, with one exception, paid the bounty tax upon whom it was levied; several not living in that county (Jefferson) of course not included in the number, or implicated in this breach of our Christian testimony; but some, and I believe most, consider it better to pay, than suffer, or contend. Oh, what a breach! Though several Friends, for whom the tax had been paid, as before stated, were very much tried and distressed therewith. May the Lord heal the wounds that have through unwatchfulness been made.

28th.—Again attended Harrisville Meeting. It is now nearly seven weeks since I came to this place, and still I find no liberty as yet to leave it. My mind was exercised in meeting today; and a prayer begotten to the Lord, though not vocally uttered—that if any of the dear children had a testimony for Him, that He would bring them forth. While my mind was thus exercised, a dear lamb (for so I may call her, though she is the mother of a family), stood up and expressed this passage of Scripture: “If the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and sinner appear?”

Last First-day also, my mind was much exercised in this meeting, believing, that a youngish Friend had something on her mind to deliver. I wrestled for her deliverance in secret prayer to God; at last these words were required of me to utter, without any addition—“There is that scatters and yet increases; and there is that withholds more than is fitting, but it tends to poverty.” After which the Friend arose and repeated this passage from Job—“How often is the candle of the wicked put out, and how oft destruction comes suddenly upon them.” After this my mind felt easy and a song of praise filled my heart. Getting there, I was informed of two individuals, members of Stillwater Quarterly Meeting, who were in a desponding state of mind. Immediately a great exercise came upon me, and such a weight of concern, and sympathy for them, that I could neither eat nor sleep with any comfort, until I gave up to go and see them. And in company with N. H. and E. B., on the morning of the 7th, I got up at two o’clock (the weather being very cold), rode ten miles before day; then took the cars, and arrived at Barnesville about eight o’clock. Went to their Week-day Meeting; and after meeting, went to see B. H., a desponding young man. Had a religious opportunity with him, and the rest of the family. I told him my Master had sent me to tell him that he had no need to despair; he had committed no unpardonable sin; that the Lord in his mercy was round about him to do him good, willing to remove the weight and pressure which so mightily weighed him down; and much more of an encouraging nature. After vocal supplication on his behalf, I left his room.

The Lord only knows how my heart is exercised before Him daily and hourly, that I may in no wise balk any of the precious testimonies given us as a people to bear, nor stumble any of the children in my tarriance here. Dearest Father! you know my prayers by day and by night. Oh! let me not faint, nor give out, nor stay one hour longer here than it is your holy will I should.

31st.—Yesterday visited a district school, and the day previous had very close things to deal out to a dear Friend. It was like parting with my right hand, to clear myself towards this Friend in the way of caution, warning and some censure, for having, as I believed, departed in some degree from the pure Truth. It is for peace of mind, I feel constrained to labor for and with others. When will I know an overcoming of the enemies of my own household.

First Month 1st, 1863.—The cup given me to drink has been very bitter, and the burden heavy upon my shoulders, which I have had to bear alone, that is almost without human help, or consolation. I have feared I shall get into a murmuring disposition. Oh Lord, help me, for you only and alone can ease me of my burden, and enable me patiently to bear it all the days of my appointed time.

3rd.—Last evening my mind was so impressed with the horrors of war, that I felt almost constrained to request a Friend, who was reading aloud (though in an interesting and instructive book), to forbear. It seemed to me that all the distress and agony of the battle-field was before me. When will the remainder of wrath be restrained? When will the sword be sheathed?

Since writing the above, a Friend informed me, that according to my request, a Meeting for Worship has been appointed, about two miles off, among the Presbyterians, to be held tomorrow at eleven o’clock. I am exercised almost to trembling, but I fear I think more about the poor creature who has requested this meeting appointed, than the glory of the Creator. When will I learn perfect resignation to the will of the Lord? The same Friend gave me a word of encouragement, unexpectedly to myself, but not unnecessarily. Oh Lord, help me, or I shall faint by the way; give me strength to do or to suffer according to your holy will; so shall your name and praise be exalted. Amen.

4th.—Went at the time appointed to the meeting. It was well attended, and ended solidly. The Lord’s name be praised for the help afforded. May faithfulness be the girdle of my reins, and righteousness the girdle of my loins, says my soul.

5th.—Left Harrisville, where I have spent at this time nearly eight weeks; making my home at William Hall’s; where I have been kindly treated both by parents and children. The dear little children! May the Lord bless them, together with their parents, has been the prayer of my heart for them. But what strokes it takes to bring our wills into subjection to the will of the Lord. May his hand not spare, nor his eye pity, until this be accomplished in us all, says my soul.

The same day went to the Boarding School to meet with the committee having charge of this Institution; having also a prospect of visiting some families in the limits of Mount Pleasant Meeting. But on my way there, felt that something crossed my path, and turned me another way. After getting there, I was informed of two individuals, members of Stillwater Quarterly Meeting, who were in a desponding state of mind. Immediately a great exercise came upon me, and such a weight of concern, and sympathy for them, that I could neither eat nor sleep with any comfort, until I gave up to go and see them. And in company with N. H. and E. S., on the morning of the 7th, I got up at two o’clock (the weather being very cold), rode ten miles before day; then took the cars, and arrived at Barnesville about eight o’clock. Went to their Week-day Meeting; and after meeting, went to see B. H., a desponding young man. Had a religious opportunity with him, and the rest of the family. I told him my Master had sent me to tell him that he had no need to despair; he had committed no unpardonable sin; that the Lord in his mercy was round about him to do him good, willing to remove the weight and pressure which so mightily weighed him down; and much more of an encouraging nature. After vocal supplication on his behalf, I left his room.

Before we left, he requested his mother to ask me into his room again. He then asked several questions, such as these: If I was ever tempted to believe that I had committed an unpardonable sin? Whether I thought it right to take medicine, when nothing was the matter with the body? Thought his trust ought to be in the Lord; that it was his mind only that was affected. He further said that he thought he had treated my advice some years before with contempt. I assured him that I did not remember his having treated my advice in that way. He then asked me if I had received a letter from him a few days previous to my visit? I told him no! I had received none. At which his countenance brightened up, and he replied, “That is the greatest word of comfort I have had; that you came to see me because you felt as if you must.”

We went to see the other individual, a female Friend; who had passed the most of that day in extreme agony of mind; bewailing her condition in a deplorable manner. On being told that some Friends were there who would like to see her; she at first thought she could not see us; but after a little while she concluded we must come into her room. My mind was led into great sympathy for her; and a word of encouragement and counsel was put into my mouth for her; and vocal supplication to the throne of Grace offered on her behalf. She sat perfectly composed all the time we were in her room; and after we left, said to the Friend who attended her, in allusion to this visit—“This may be as bread cast on the waters, found after many days.”

After this I returned to the Boarding School, where I spent six weeks; most of the time under much exercise of mind. Left the Boarding School and returned to Flushing, after an absence of three months. The same day attended our Select Quarterly Meeting, and on the day following, the Quarterly Meeting, in the forepart of which I had to allude to the circumstance recorded in Scripture, of a man who was felling a beam, and the axe-head fell into the water, and he cried and said, “Alas, master! for it was borrowed.” It seemed to me there was instruction in this for those who felt that they had lost the little capacity they once had to labor for themselves and others; and not only so, but were responsible for that over which, they now felt, that they had no control; but seeing a miracle was wrought for this poor man by the prophet, in making the axe to swim, and bade him put out his hand and take it. And the great and good Prophet, the Lord Jesus Christ, is near unto all who cry unto Him out of a pure heart; and it is an unspeakable blessing that this cry and petition is put into the heart—Alas, Master! as if to say, if I receive no help from you, I am undone. Oh, He will work for all those whose hearts are turned unto Him for help in the right way, and cause them to sing for joy, and the praise and honor will be given unto Him to whom it is due.

Fourth Month 23rd.—Returned the Minute to the Monthly Meeting which was granted me more than two years ago, during which time I have been engaged in visiting families, meetings and individuals, as way opened, to the relief of my mind. The same day obtained a Minute to attend Salem and Springfield Quarterly Meetings, and the meetings constituting them, and some families, as way may open.

Fifth Month 3rd.—Set out on my visit to the northern quarters, having the company of my brother Jacob Branson, and cousin Abigail Sears. Rode to Jefferson, twenty-three miles; next evening got to Salem.

5th.—Rode to Springfield, and dined at Nathan Warrington’s. After dinner, had a religious opportunity with the family, to good satisfaction; Nathan’s father-in-law and mother-in-law being present. I had to revive the language of our Savior—“I am come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly.” And again, “I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” “And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” Commenting upon these passages as Truth gave me utterance, saying that however a father, a mother or daughter might miss his or her way, those who follow Christ will feel themselves bound to maintain their allegiance to the Truth, and stand against error, even if it is found in the nearest and dearest friend upon earth. Then went to the Select Quarterly Meeting held at three o’clock; was silent therein, and felt satisfied.

6th.—Attended Springfield Quarterly Meeting. In the forepart of which I had to declare my belief that there was an individual present who had been tempted to take his own life. I had a short testimony in the way of caution, warning, and encouragement to such a state, and felt peaceful and easy afterward. I have since been informed that a man who left the meeting when the shutters were closed, acknowledged that he had been under that temptation. After meeting, rode seven miles to New Garden, and lodged at Joseph Stratton’s. In the evening, before retiring, had a comfortable religious opportunity with this Friend and his wife, a brother and sister-in-law also being present; and I felt my faith and hope renewed in Him who never said to the wrestling seed of Jacob, seek my face in vain.

7th.—Attended New Garden Meeting. After J. E. had spoken considerable therein, I had to come forth with a sharp, close testimony, beginning with these words, “I have heard it said, forewarned, forearmed,” but I had not thought of meeting with what I have met with here. I have seen the serpentine spirit at work in the galleries and on the facing seats, like Ishmael of old, who came from the land of strangers, among the little remnant of the children of Israel which had been left in their own land, after the greater part had been carried away to Babylon. Now Ishmael got into favor with Gedaliah and treacherously slew him, and many more, and those who remained were greatly affrighted, and proposed to go into Egypt, where they concluded they should not suffer hunger of bread, nor see the sword, nor hear the alarm of war. But Jeremiah plainly told them if they did go into Egypt, and refused to continue where they were, they would die of those very things they were trying to escape; but go they would and did, contrary to the express command of the Lord by the mouth of his prophet. I had to express my belief, that a wrong spirit, comparable to that of Ishmael, had been at work among them, and slain some of them, and others being alarmed were flying for their lives. I warned Friends to take no dark steps like going into Egypt, but to maintain their standing where they were, and the Lord would bless them. Though this serpentine spirit had been, and was destroying the spiritual lives of many among us, yet the Lord’s power was over it, and would deliver from it if faith and patience were abode in. I encouraged and warned them not to forsake the fountain of light, life and Truth for any false light, etc. Lodged at Lewis Walker’s. Next morning, had a religious opportunity with the parents and children, bringing matters close home to them; encouraging and warning them to labor for the promotion of Truth in their own hearts.

Rode to Barclay Stratton’s, and had a religious opportunity with him and his family. After dinner, rode eight miles to Salem, and attended the Select Quarterly Meeting held at three o’clock, in which I was silent. That evening, paid a visit to Daniel Koll and family. Daniel had just published a pamphlet, setting forth his convincement of the principles professed by Friends, and his reception into membership: also his conclusion to leave that body of Friends with which he is now connected, and his reasons for doing so. I had heard of this pamphlet, but had not seen or read it. I told Daniel that I fully believed that he was under a great delusion, that it was a dark move with which I had no unity whatever. Much plain talk passed between us, in which I let him know my mind fully, as to the impropriety of the steps he was taking, and so leaving the matter with him for his consideration, I proposed going; but when about to start, I felt a stop in my mind, and thought it right to request that the children, such as were at home, might be called in; which being done, I had a favored opportunity with them, encouraging them to turn unto and obey Him who could and would keep them in the right way, as they were concerned above all things to look to Him for help, and wait upon Him in the way of his requirings. Oh, how my heart is led to sympathize with the children in this day, who are saying in their hearts, “Who shall show us any good?” I had to set forth the great responsibility resting upon parents as well as others, not to cast a stumbling-block before the dear children. I was made truly thankful on leaving this family, that I had been faithful and delivered the whole counsel to parents and children. Returned to Mary J. Fawcett’s, and lodged.

9th.—Attended Salem Quarterly Meeting, which was large. I had not been here before since the separation in 1854; and this meeting was not so much reduced in size as I had expected. J. Edgerton spoke at length; after which, I thought it right to revive this language: “Fear you not the reproach of men, neither be afraid of their revilings, for the moth shall eat them up like a garment, and the worm shall eat them like wool; but my salvation shall be forever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished”—commenting thereon in a short, impressive testimony, and felt peace afterwards. In the afternoon, several Friends came to our lodgings, and I had to open my mouth among them, though I greatly preferred keeping silence. Beginning with, “Seek the Lord and you shall live: but seek not Bethel, nor enter into Gilgal, and pass not to Beer-sheba; for Gilgal shall surely go into captivity, and Bethel shall come to nought;” giving it as my belief that nothing was so much needed among us, as that of knowing in our own individual experience the Lord’s circumcising knife in the temple of our hearts—the Lord’s axe—the Lord’s plough—the Lord’s harrow—his fire and harrow, reducing and bringing into conformity with his holy will all that his controversy is with. This was a memorable opportunity to me, in which the great God was pleased to strengthen a poor worm to plead with those present, to give up unreservedly to his holy will concerning them, and to bear the turnings and overturnings of his holy hand upon them, in order that they might find a place of safety amidst the storm and tempest now beating vehemently against the buildings of many, and trying their foundations, and which storm and tempest we shall not be able to escape. It was a solemn time, the language of warning, counsel, and encouragement flowed freely, at which my soul did marvel.

10th.—On awaking, this language presented to my mind: “Be not dismayed at the signs of heaven, for the heathen are dismayed at them;” accompanied with a belief that it would be right for me to go to a Friend’s house and strengthen the mind of one of the family by reviving the above passage. I accordingly went, and had a religious opportunity in the family, and delivered what I apprehended was called for; then attended Salem Meeting, held at eleven o’clock. It being First-day, the meeting was large, and I had to plead with those who were putting off their day’s work, and warn them of the awful consequences of so doing, if they persisted therein until the door of mercy should be closed against them. In the afternoon went to see two aged Friends, and had to revive the language of the apostle: “leaving the things that are behind, I press towards the mark for the prize, etc.” This, I think, is encouraging not to dwell improperly upon our past failings, but to put on strength in the name of the Lord, and follow his bidding in order to obtain the prize. My heart was enlarged towards them in the love of the gospel, and I had good service in this family. After this went to see a sick young man, who appeared near his close with consumption. After a religious opportunity with him and his parents and sisters, I had another with several young people who had come in to see their sick friend, which was to the peace and relief of my mind. The same evening took tea at Z. F’s. There I had to deal very plainly, encouraging his wife not to give out in a dark and cloudy day, but to trust in the Lord and mind his pointings, and way would be made where there appeared no way. I told him to be aware of an endeavoring to promote a separation in society as he was trying to do; but to mind the counsel of the Lord in his own heart, that nothing was so much needed with him as the operation of the fire and hammer of the Lord. The Lord gave me sharp words to use to this man, and strength to do it, blessed be his name forever. Returned to Mary J. Fawcetts’s, where we made our home and lodged. I may add that the first religious opportunity I had in this visit was in her family, where I had to warn the young people to be aware of slighting the visitations of heavenly good to their souls, lest those visitations be withdrawn, and the heart become hardened, and incapable of receiving good impressions, than which I know not of a more deplorable condition, save that of being in the midst of tribulation and anguish, “where the worm dies not, and the fire is not quenched.”

11th.—Early this morning left Salem for New Garden, with a prospect of reaching our own Quarterly Meeting, to be held the 14th of this month. At New Garden, I had a concern to visit a few families who had withdrawn from that meeting, alleging as a reason for so doing, that all is gone like life and hope from their meetings, and if they save their spiritual lives, they must make their escape from those who they consider have lost the vitality of religion, by favoring the disowning of the Gurneyites, according to the late act of our Yearly Meeting. I could not favor this act of our Yearly Meeting in 1862; yet I had to use great plainness of speech in regard to this separation now going on in different parts of our Yearly Meeting, fully believing it was a dark move, and I told these individuals so very plainly. Went to see a widow, who appears to be in a declining state of health. Had a comfortable opportunity with her and her children. Lodged at Henry Lupton’s. In the evening, before retiring, had a religious opportunity in this family, which closed my services for the present in these parts.

12th.—Rode forty-seven miles to Cadiz, where we lodged. Next day, about ten, got to David Binns’, at Harrisville. Had an opportunity with David and his wife; they having separated from the meeting to which they belonged. His wife was an overseer of Harrisville Preparative Meeting, and has been a concerned, consistent Friend; but has stumbled at the late act of the Yearly Meeting in regard to disowning those who separated from us in 1854. Oh, what a great pity that the leaders of the people should cause them to err. My soul deeply mourns on account of the sad state of things among us, and I am often reminded of the language of Ezekiel concerning those who took horns and pushed the diseased of the flock from them; yet I cannot believe that this separation now going on in our Yearly Meeting will land those engaged in it, either in the land of peace or plenty. I have endeavored to deal plainly with those who have put a stumbling-block in the way of others, as well as those who are stumbled thereat. After a free conversation with these Friends, I left them with mournful feelings on their account, also on account of their large and interesting family. At three o’clock, attended our Select Quarterly Meeting. It was indeed, a very low time. The life of religion, I thought, almost at as low an ebb as it well could be.

14th.—Attended our Quarterly Meeting, which was a very exercising time to me. I informed Friends that I had returned to the Monthly Meeting the Minute granted me more than two years ago, which was endorsed by the Quarterly Meeting, that I had attended to the service for which I was liberated, as way opened, in good degree, to the relief of my mind, except, in a few instances; and one in particular, for the neglect of which I have suffered deeply. And now it may be best for me to record it for a warning to others. Several months before the war broke out, in the spring of 1861, I had felt an impression that it would be required of me to go to Barnesville and deliver a public warning in the main street of that town to the inhabitants thereof; and the spot I was to go to, to deliver this message from the Lord, was pointed out to me. The language contained in the ninth chapter of Jeremiah, from verse 17th to verse 25th, had been sounding in my ears, month after month, with a belief that some, if not all, of that remarkable declaration would be required of me to deliver in the street of Barnesville. And being in that neighborhood on religious service in the spring of 1861, and about to return home, a deep and weighty exercise came over me, with an intimation to settle down and wait upon the Lord, to see and know what He required at my hands, so that I scarcely knew what to do with myself. But I pleaded the necessity of returning immediately home, having given my companions and their families to expect our return at that time, I pleaded to be excused, and thought when I got a little more strength I would yield, or comply with whatever more might be called for at my hands in that place. But alas! the day after I returned home, news came to Barnesville that Fort Sumter had been bombarded, and now all the town was in an uproar, and everything out of order to hear a message like unto the one I had upon my mind to deliver; and indeed, the requisition has never since been made, nor even a presentation of it. I now saw, that a dream which I had some time before was fulfilled. I thought in my dream that I was sick, and in a low, damp place, and it was required of me to arise with the help of two Friends, and go to a certain place a short distance from me, among some people, men, women and children; whom I saw sitting quietly on raised forms, and other places considerably higher than the ground I was occupying. They appeared to be all busily engaged doing something, but I knew not what. With the help of those Friends, I arose and went where these people were sitting. When I came to them I perceived they were picking over wild plums, which they had gathered in abundance, and I thought in my dream that there had been an abundant crop of wild plums that year. As I stood looking at the people, it came into my mind to warn them to repent and turn unto the Lord; but I pleaded the excuse that I was too weak, and the motion to speak was not strong enough. But while I was thus reasoning in my mind, and waiting for more strength, they all arose suddenly as with one accord and dispersed, running some in one direction and some in another, in great hurry and confusion. Then I saw in my dream that I had missed the right time to deliver the message, and that it never would return, and I was brought into great distress, feeling satisfied that I should never again have the like opportunity, for everything seemed to be in utter confusion; whereas a little before all was quiet, and a suitable opportunity was given me to say what the Lord required of me. I felt that the blood of those people would be required at my hands. I saw in my dream the same Friends with me who were with me afterwards at Barnesville. I thought in my dream that I followed some and tried to engage their attention to hear what I had to say, but they were quick and hasty in their steps, and appeared to heed nothing I had to say.

Then I thought all was over, and I must bear my burden alone, and that I should never be able to get over the sorrowful feelings this omission occasioned. And so it has very much proved with respect to my omission of duty in the case related. I have felt that the blood of many of the citizens of Barnesville was required at my hands, because I did not faithfully warn them to return, repent and live. Many have gone from that town to the war, and have been since slain in battle. My dream was fulfilled in a remarkable manner, for I had been sick, or in very poor health, and had been strengthened to get up and go to Barnesville to attend to some religious services, but lo, the time came when I must be proven whether I would give up all for his sake, who died for me. I was disobedient to the heavenly vision, and justly have I suffered for it. Amen. The foregoing account of my omission of duty at Barnesville, and the dream here related I have never before related to any one.

Now, I think it right to leave in writing one or two more circumstances, which may be a warning to others not to put off what they believe the Lord is requiring at their hands. It was, I believe, in the year 1837, that the Lord required me to visit an innkeeper in the village of Flushing, who was in the habit of selling spirituous liquors, and taking it to excess himself. I had for some years felt at times a great weight on my mind concerning this man, during which time he was brought very low with delirium tremens. I then felt very fearful that if he should be taken away by death in that awful condition, that I should not be clear of his blood; yet the thought of visiting him, and delivering the whole counsel of God unto him, was like giving up my natural life. The latter would have been preferred, could it have been taken in place of the former. But the Lord in mercy raised him up from this bed of affliction, and he for some time entirely refrained from the poisonous draught. Now it came before me that the time for visiting this man was about come, and as I was expecting to go with a committee of the Yearly Meeting to visit some Meetings belonging to Salem and Springfield Quarters, the Lord showed me clearly that He required me to go to see this innkeeper before I left home, and moreover, he said to me, If you go not, a judgment will overtake you. This was as clear to the ear of my soul as any voice could be to my outward or natural ear, and such were my feelings on this memorable occasion, that I said in my heart, good is the word of the Lord, and thankfully bowed in a feeling of acquiescence to his holy will. But alas! the frailty of human nature.

The same evening my father and I were sitting alone in the house, it came strongly and very impressively before me to mention the subject to him, for his consideration and judgment, but I put it off until he left the room. Then a dear aged aunt came in; again I was impressed with the belief that I ought to mention the subject to her, but I had weakened my hands already by letting my father pass away without unburdening my mind to him, and I said nothing to my aunt about it. The next morning was the time pointed out for me to go, and I concluded that when morning came I might feel stronger, and would wait till I did before I said anything about it. When morning came, I was weaker than ever, and had no strength to say anything about it, so the concern died on my hands, and, strange to say, I thought but little, if anything, more about it until the Lord awoke my feelings again to consider what I had done, or rather, left undone, by bringing the judgment upon me which He had promised He would do if I did not obey his command. I had started on my journey to Salem, and when within a short distance of a Friend’s house, and near our journey’s end, our carriage upset, and my right arm was broken, and the elbow joint dislocated, or partly so. For a few minutes I was almost unconscious of what had happened, but when recovered a little, I then remembered what the Lord had said to me: “If you go not to see this man, before you leave home for Salem, a judgment will overtake you.” And while some were censuring the driver for carelessness, I was considering that it was only what I had justly brought on myself by disobedience; and now I have ever since, a lame, or rather a stiff arm to carry about me as a memento of that act of unfaithfulness. I was not, of course, permitted to accompany my friends in this visit any further, but was favored to get home in a short time, and as soon as my arm was well enough, was glad to obey the call which was renewed, to visit this man, which I did at three different times. He received me respectfully and heard what I had to say, except on one occasion he excused himself, professing other business to attend to, which I thought was occasioned by the woman Friend who was with me. Poor man, he died a few years after with delirium tremens, so the warnings given were unavailing respecting him.

One more circumstance I will mention in this place: Several years after this I was made uneasy with a certain article of my clothing, which appeared to me of a texture I was required to change for something more coarse and uncommon. This, though a little thing, was like parting with a right eye or a right hand. Long did I struggle, long did I reason; sometimes appearing in the garb that I apprehended I was required to put on, and again changing back. In this way I went on for several years, and I fully believe it was the pride of my heart that kept me from surrendering sooner. I was often afraid, when I left home, that a judgment would overtake me when I ventured to wear that which had given me so much uneasiness. In this situation of mind I met at one time with the Boarding School committee. It was there, above other places, this cross was hardest to bear.

I was intending to visit a relation before returning home, and begged for indulgence this once in wearing my favorite article of dress. When about to leave the school for my visit, having attired myself as I was accustomed to do, this language sounded in my ears: “You know not what those horses may be permitted to do, before you reach your nephew’s;” accompanied with a feeling of uneasiness, for my halting, wayward course. But these feelings passed off, and we went along cheerfully, until we had nearly reached my nephew’s, when suddenly one of the horses took fright, ran a short distance with fury, turned out of the road, and seemed like tearing all to pieces. I said, as the horses left the road, We are gone! I hope not, said my nephew. The horses were suddenly stopped, but not until I fully expected we should be upset and perhaps killed. My nephew admired at the circumstance. I think he said that he never knew this creature to do so before. He saw nothing to scare the horse, but it seemed so affrighted, that it trembled very much. This put an end to my wearing that precious piece of clothing, which I had so many checks and calls to give up; for I fully believed it was the Lord who showed me how easily and suddenly my life might then have been taken; but in mercy He spared me. Oh, the compassionate regard of my Heavenly Father towards the erring mortal; what shall I render to Him for all his benefits?

Seventh Month 18th.—Heard of the death of M. J., an individual I visited about a year ago, and was constrained to deliver a solemn and singular warning to him to prepare to meet his God, believing he had no time to put off the call. Poor man, how thankful I feel that I am clear of his blood. The cup of trembling was given me to partake of in his presence, and for his sake. Astonishment seemed to take hold of him at the message I had to deliver. I understand that strong drink was thought to be one cause of his death; he was not an old man, but was past the meridian of life.

Eleventh Month 20th.—Returned home after an absence of more than five weeks, having finished a religious visit within the limits of Salem and Springfield Quarterly Meetings, for which I was liberated in Fourth Month last. I attended all the Monthly Meetings, and nearly all the Particular Meetings of those two quarters, and visited more than eighty families. Also, again attended these two quarters. The exercise of my spirit in this engagement none knows but the Lord. I had very often to bring things so close home in families and meetings, that it seemed almost more than some could bear. May the Lord take away every stroke that was laid on the shoulders of any too heavy, and give it to me to bear.

After an appointed meeting at New Garden for the young and youngish people, and being about to go to Salem to engage in a family visit within the limits of that Monthly Meeting; this language very forcibly came before the view of my mind: “When the time was come that he should be received up, he steadfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem.” And again, “The cup which my Father has given me shall I not drink it?” And this was the clothing of my spirit. The way appeared clearly pointed out to me and I was bidden to turn neither to the right hand, nor to the left. It was shown me where I should begin the visit, and the message I should deliver. It was almost more than I knew how to bear, and more than the individuals visited seemed able to bear in a Christian spirit. I had to tell the head of the family that he was clothed with a garment mixed with linen and wool, over which was a coat of mail; and had to revive the language—“Oh, that you had hearkened to my commandments! then had your peace been as a river, and your righteousness as the waves of the sea.” I believed it was the will of the Almighty that the filthy rags of our own righteousness should be parted with and the pure white linen, the righteousness of saints, be given us in place thereof.

Very close work I had in many families, and the cup was indeed the cup of trembling which I had to drink. At one place, having stayed all night and been treated kindly by the family, after going from there to meeting, I had to return in the evening and tell the woman Friend that a fretting leprosy had got into her garments, as well as a high, lofty spirit. The Lord was willing and able to heal her, though it might require the fire to work it out. This was a hard stroke for her, but I dared not turn to the right hand or the left. I had also considerable to say to her husband, and he expressed satisfaction with our visit. One place after another in the plain way I was required to go, as the Lord strengthened me, and this He did in a marvelous manner, both in body and mind.

Among those who have recently separated from their respective meetings, I had to deal in a very plain way, because I could not in the fear and counsel of the Most High, according as it was sealed on my mind, do otherwise than condemn their course of action. In the Monthly and Quarterly Meetings I had to tell Friends in a very plain way, how things appeared to me among them; and in our religious Society; and that the Lord would sift us until we were a people more to his praise than we now are. I had to revive the testimony of Francis Howgill concerning our religious Society, and express my full belief that his remarkable testimony would stand good. I alluded to what he says concerning the covenant, which the Lord made with this people in the rise of the Society when persecution raged like a storm against the wall to destroy them. (See Sewel’s History, Vol. ii, page 14.)

My dear friends Isaac Mitchell and Abigail Sears, were my companions in this visit, the exercise of whose spirits I often felt to be helpful to me, and comparable to Aaron and Hur, who held up the hands of Moses. At one place, having dealt in a very plain way with the head of the family, and being about to leave, as I took hold of the hand of this man to bid him farewell, this language came very forcibly before the view of my mind, with a belief that it might be right to express it: “My son, hide it not.” We may remember that this was the language of Joshua to Achan; but I shrank from apprehended duty and passed away; but the distress which came over my mind, none but the Lord knows. So, for the sake of peace I gladly went back again to his house, and endeavored to deal out the whole counsel of God to him and his family. As far as was given to see and know, gross darkness was there. At another place, after delivering a very close testimony to the man and his wife, I told them there was something hidden about that house, for darkness was there.

At another place, after sitting a considerable time in silence, and feeling something to arise to communicate, and being about to do it, I felt a sudden stop; and asked if all the family were present. The father replied, all except one son, and he was not willing to give us his company. I told them that under this circumstance I should feel best satisfied to leave at present, and if the Master required me to come again, I would endeavor to do so. We went on another day, but again the son refused to come into the house. I asked the mother if she would be willing to go with me where he was at work. She readily assented. We found him husking corn in a field not far from the house. He appeared very angry because of our coming, talked very unbecoming to his mother, and looked so wicked, that I feared he would strike her. I reasoned with him of righteousness and the judgment to come. He told me he wanted to hear nothing I had to say, and cared nothing about these things. I endeavored to engage his attention and followed him from one shock of corn to another, but all appeared to be in vain. If I had supplicated the throne of Grace on his behalf before leaving the field, on the bended knee, I believe that I should have felt clear of him. Such a hardened state in one so young I have rarely met with. I did not suppose him to be more than eighteen or nineteen years old.

A few days after this I was at a funeral in another neighborhood, where I had a close warning to give to some in the younger walks of life. I afterwards learned that this young man was present, at which my heart rejoiced, having had an opportunity to relieve my mind in a very close warning without knowing of his presence.

While engaged in this visit we attended Sandy Spring Monthly Meeting; after which, on passing a Friend’s house in that neighborhood, it forcibly presented to my mind, that I must visit the family residing there before returning home, and I concluded to do so; but said nothing about it to any one, and the concern and remembrance of it passed from me. On our way home, when we came to the road which led to this house, I felt a strong presentation to take that road and lodge at a Friend’s house some miles short of the place we were intending to reach that night. But this family visit had so gone from me that I did not remember it until after we had left the road leading to the house. Then my burden greatly increased, and I knew not what to do. It was raining fast, the road very hilly and slippery, night near at hand, our horses very tired, and we some miles from the road where we should have turned in; and had it not been for the encouragement of my kind companions, who were by this time acquainted with the burden resting upon me, I should have gone on.

We now turned back, and made the best of our way through the rain and over the hills till we reached the Friend’s house just at night, where we should have stopped had I attended strictly to the pointings of the Master at the road leading here. I felt greatly humbled and unworthy of the least regard of my Heavenly Father; conscious of my waywardness and lack of faith in his pointings to duty. Next morning, very early, I informed the Friend and his wife where we lodged, of my concern to visit the family before alluded to, but as the man’s wife was not a member among Friends (being a Hicksite, of which I was not aware), it was thought improbable that such a visit would be acceptable (a Friend having recently been denied such a visit), but application being made the request was granted, and we had a more satisfactory opportunity than was anticipated.

The father, mother and daughter were tendered, especially the daughter, who wept freely; being a gay young woman and not a member among Friends. I could but rejoice greatly, yet not without trembling; and a feeling of deep humiliation that way was made for me to relieve my burdened mind, after having so nearly put myself out of the reach of complying with my Master’s requisition; and consequently must have carried a great burden home with me. The Friend and his wife, at whose house we lodged, went with us to this family.

Not long after this visit the wife of the Friend where we lodged, and the one visited, were laid in the silent tomb; also the daughter then present. I was exercised in that opportunity that all might be prepared for the hour of death, that it often comes at an unexpected time, and in an unexpected way. When in this neighborhood on a religious visit ten years before, I hastened home and left some duties neglected, for which I suffered much, and now I had nearly done the same again. May I learn obedience by the things I suffer. Surely the Lord has had patience with me more than I can possibly describe.

Seventh Month 24th, 1864.—What shall I render unto the Lord for all his mercies. I have now partially recovered from a severe attack of erysipelas in my head and eyes. At one time during my illness the stroke of death seemed near at hand. So great was the heat in my head, that it seemed as if I was holding it over a hot fire. While the rest of my body was so cold as to require warm mustard baths necessary to keep up the circulation, cold applications were constantly applied to my head. Great was the suffering, not of pain but of heat and inflammation of the brain, but through all I was permitted to retain my senses, which I esteemed a great favor. May I number my days and be prepared for a sudden summons from works to rewards which may be my experience, that is, a sudden removal.

On the 7th of the Seventh Month, 1865, I returned home from a visit within the limits of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. Great were the exercises of my spirit while engaged in this visit, and many sore trials I had to pass through.

Previous to laying the subject of this visit before my friends, I had been confined to my room and bed nearly seven months with a severe illness; the disease appeared mainly to be dropsy of the chest and an affection of the heart. The subject of visiting some meetings within the limits of that Yearly Meeting, particularly the meetings belonging to Cain, Concord and Philadelphia Quarterly Meetings, and some families within their limits; also to attend the Yearly Meeting, had for several years at times weighed heavily on my mind. But during the greater part of this illness it looked altogether improbable that I should ever accomplish the visit. I remarked to two Friends who were waiting on me, that I had expected it would have been required of me to go to Philadelphia, but now it does not look likely I shall ever perform the visit.

But in the First Month of the year 1865, although not able to sit up out of bed but a little while at a time, yet on First-day previous to our Monthly Meeting, I felt that it was required of me to go to meeting, and though it was judged very unsuitable weather for an invalid to ride out, yet I attended to the Master’s bidding, and went; and had to deliver a testimony for the Truth and felt none the worse for going. The next Fifth-day was Monthly Meeting, the weather very cold, and everything as to the outward forbidding me to turn out; but the Lord gave me an assurance that He required the sacrifice at my hands, which left me no room to doubt.

On the evening previous to the Monthly Meeting (the weather still being very cold), while considering the prospect before me, and being desirous above all things to do the will of the Lord herein, in addition to that grain of living faith, which can remove mountains, this Scripture was brought forcibly to my remembrance, “Ask you a sign,” while I was ruminating on this language so impressively brought before the view of my mind, it was sounded in the ear of my soul, I will give you a sign—“The weather shall be three degrees warmer in the morning than it is this evening.” Then I called M. W., the young woman who was waiting on me, and requested her to look at the thermometer and bring me word concerning the weather, which she did. In the morning early I made the same request without letting her or any one know why I did so. And found by her reports the Lord had verified his promise, which was a confirmation to my mind, and produced a feeling of deep humiliation in view of the condescension of the great I Am, towards a worm of the dust. With that grain of living faith which can remove mountains I went to meeting, having to be carried to the carriage, and also out of the meetinghouse, when the meeting was over. When I laid the subject before Friends they were greatly surprised, and considering my great bodily weakness, and the improbability that I could ever perform the visit, a long silence prevailed. Then one after another was moved by the influence of Truth in their hearts to unite with the concern, until full and free unity was expressed therewith, and I felt now satisfied to leave it with the Master.

During the interval between this meeting and the Quarterly Meeting, I had a very severe turn of disease, and some of my friends thought the will would surely be taken for the deed, and I would be released by death. The day previous to our Quarterly Meeting, having the company of our friends Joseph Edgerton and wife, I alluded to the weighty service in prospect, and remarked, that considering my great bodily weakness the will might yet be taken for the deed; to which Joseph replied with emphasis, “Rest satisfied, you will be strengthened in body and mind to perform this visit.”

Next day I was strengthened in body and mind to attend meeting and lay the subject before Friends. The Quarterly Meeting fully united with the concern, and liberated me to attend thereto. Elizabeth Smith, a minister, remarked in the meeting, “This is the Lord’s doing, and marvelous in our eyes.” After this I was repeatedly quite ill, so that the prospect of performing the visit according to human calculation appeared impossible: but it may well be asked, is anything too hard for the Almighty? For He who required the service, strengthened me with might in the inner man, and also gave me bodily strength to perform that which to the human understanding appeared impossible.

Chapter VIII

- A Religious Visit to Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, and Many of its Branches

- Her Remarkable Testimony in the Men’s Yearly Meeting, and Much Plain Dealing in other Places, During the Fulfillment of Required Services There

I set out on this journey the 10th of the Fourth Month, 1865, and was from home three months lacking three days. Isaac Mitchell and cousin Rebecca S. Branson were my companions, the former being an elder in good esteem. They were both very kind to me in this journey. We rode twenty miles in the carriage, then took the cars for Philadelphia. When I got to the city, it was with difficulty I could walk, even with help, but a night’s rest recruited me so that next day I attended Arch Street Meeting (it being their Weekday Meeting). Contrary to my expectation, I had to open my mouth and declare, that the same Jesus who kept Peter from sinking in the midst of the sea, was still able and willing to preserve and succor those who cry unto Him for help, and put their trust in Him—the same today, yesterday and forever, etc.

After meeting, several Friends spoke to me, and some said they were glad to see me. Seventh-day following was Select Yearly Meeting. I informed Friends that I had a Minute of unity and concurrence from the Monthly and Quarterly Meeting of which I was a member, liberating me for religious service within their limits. (But having been advised by one of their principal elders not to offer my Minute to the meeting, they having come to the conclusion some years previous to read no Minutes for ministers travelling among them from any meeting whatever, I did not lay it on the table, and no one called for it, though it was from branches of Ohio Yearly Meeting with which Philadelphia had corresponded since the separation in 1854, and owned as the legitimate Yearly Meeting of Ohio.) Several Friends expressed their satisfaction with the information given, and desired I would not feel embarrassed on account of my Minute not being read, but be encouraged to do what I might find to do among them.

16th.—Attended the Public Meeting at Arch Street, both in the morning and afternoon, but had nothing to communicate.

17th.—The Yearly Meeting for business commenced. I informed women Friends how I was among them, but as my Minute had not been read in the Select Yearly Meeting, the regular channel through which such Minutes were to come before the Yearly Meeting, I did not think it proper to offer it there. Women Friends expressed satisfaction with this information, and desired I would feel my way open to perform any service among them required at my hands.

On taking my seat in that meeting, and casting my eyes over that large assembly, nearly all of whom were strangers to me, I could not suppress the rising tears which flowed for a time unrestrained. I remembered that it had been several years since I first felt a concern to visit some of the meetings constituting that Yearly Meeting, etc., that the concern had again and again revived and been put by; at one time the prospect seemed so nearly ripened for public avowal, that I expected to lay it before the next Monthly Meeting, but lo! He who gathers the winds in his fists, who scatters the hoar frost, and causes the hail, rain and floods to descend upon the earth, He who deals marvelously with the children of men, both in the visible and spiritual creation, brought a blight upon the prospect, and showed me that it was not required of me to make the concern public at that time.

The subject rested with me for several years, with no opening to move therein, till the fall of 1863, while engaged in a visit to one of our northern quarters, I again felt that the time was drawing near when it would be required of me to lay it before my friends; and I said to a Friend who accompanied me on this visit—“What if you should have to go with me to Philadelphia Yearly Meeting?” But I did not then know what great affliction I should have to pass through before it was made public. I had to tell Friends in the women’s Yearly Meeting, that I had long felt a concern to visit Friends in those parts, but never till recently, and that too, on a bed of languishing, had I felt the word of command given to lay the subject before my friends at home, etc.

I had on the first day of the meeting for business considerable to communicate, which appeared satisfactory to Friends; and once again during the week, on the subject of dress and address, and the necessity of keeping to plainness in these respects, and out of the vain customs and fashions of the world.

At the Friend’s house where we lodged during the week of Yearly Meeting, many Friends often came in, in the evening, and although I would have greatly preferred being out of sight, and unheard as to the ministry, yet it was often laid upon me to speak in these companies, and I think some of those opportunities will not soon be forgotten by some of those in attendance.

The Yearly Meeting closed on Fifth-day, the 20th of the Fourth Month. I had felt it right to request the liberty of visiting men’s meeting before it closed, which was granted on Fifth-day afternoon. After taking my seat and sitting awhile, this language arose in my mind, with a belief that it was right to express it: “Be silent O all flesh, before the Lord, for He is raised up out of his holy habitation.” I said, that on taking my seat in that meeting, I felt that I might be permitted to spend the time in silence and return without uttering anything; that my heart rejoiced under that feeling, and as I was settling down here, the language quoted sprang up in my mind, and I felt it right to revive it. I remembered that it was a complaint made against the priests in Israel in the days of Ezekiel, that they put no difference between the holy and profane, and did not show difference between the unclean and the clean. Under the law of Moses the beasts which were to be eaten were those that chewed the cud and parted the hoof—the one without the other was not sufficient. The operations of the mouth, and the track of the foot must be taken into the account, and correspond. This points to the example and precept of those under the gospel dispensation, who were true followers of Jesus, the precept and example of these would be such as was worthy to be followed. But those who made a profession of the Truth without giving a corresponding example, no matter what their standing or station in society might be, they were nothing better than the unclean beasts under the law, not to be partaken of. I believed there were those in that meeting who had been, and were influential members, whose example was not wholesome to set before the people, and there were those whose duty it was to show difference between these and those who maintained the doctrines and testimonies of the Society inviolate, but who had neglected their duty until a great mixture had taken place. I said, I believed there were those in high stations, who were comparable to Adoni-bezek, spoken of in Judges, when Judah and Simeon went up to drive out the Canaanites and Perrizzites, and take possession of their lots, they found Adoni-bezek in Bezek, and they fought against him, but he fled, and they pursued after him and caught him, and when they had cut off his thumbs and great toes, he was brought to this remarkable confession: “Three score and ten kings having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table; as I have done, so God has requited me.” And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. I believed there were those in that meeting who had been occupying lots which the Lord never designed they should occupy, and had been busily engaged, maiming and crippling all who could not come up to, or follow the line of demarcation laid down by them. They were actuated by human wisdom and human policy, in the management of the affairs of the church, and all who were not disposed to succumb to their wishes and follow out their line of demarcation were put under, maimed, lamed and crippled. That the Lord in his own time would deliver his people out of their hands, and they would die conspicuous cripples if they did not repent and return unto the Lord, as did Adoni-bezek, and the language of their hearts would be similar to his “Three score and ten kings having their thumbs and great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table, as I have done, so has the Lord requited me.”

I said, moreover, there were those who were snugly quartered in their winter houses like king Jehoiachin, who had also a fire of coals on the hearth before them, and sharp penknives in their pockets, ready to cut to pieces and burn the roll that was delivered to them, so that a trace of it should not be left; but the Lord would send another roll, and they would have to hear and realize his words fulfilled. I said the Lord would have a people to his praise. He would confound the wisdom of the wise and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent; He would sift us until we were a people more to his praise. I had felt a sympathy and unity with a remnant in that meeting. I desired the encouragement of those whose hearts trusted in the living God. He never said to the wrestling seed of Jacob, Seek my face in vain, that as these kept to the Master, they would experience this language verified in their own particular, “Though you have lain among the pots, yet shall you be as the wings of a dove covered with silver, and her feathers with yellow gold; and again the young lions do lack and suffer hunger, but they who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Much encouragement flowed to the honest-hearted, and a warning to backsliders to return, repent and live.

After I had fully and faithfully relieved my mind in that meeting, I left them, but before leaving I told them the Lord had not raised me from a bed of languishing and given me strength of body to come among them, to speak my own words or mark out my own path. I felt that I must be faithful, no matter how hard it was for them to hear, or for me to deliver, the whole counsel. After leaving this meeting, I felt that I had incurred the displeasure and disunity of some, who before, had shown me much favor; but my mind was stayed on the Shepherd of Israel. After reaching my lodgings, I met with ample proof that my feelings were correct, and I said to my companion, “He that eats with me has lifted up his heel against me.” This I said in reference to some who before had shown me much kindness, and with whom we had had some favored opportunities. Next morning, I felt it right to call some Friends together, and ask their advice with respect to proceeding further in the prosecution of the visit, or returning home.

As the Yearly Meeting had taken no cognizance of my Minute, I had strong thoughts that it might be best for me to return immediately home. The principal speaker in this opportunity being an elder of much influence in the city, and in the Yearly Meeting, advised me to return home without attempting to prosecute my visit further, saying the last eighteen hours had been to him a time of unspeakable distress. That my way had been remarkably made and opened in the city among Friends, until my visit to the men’s meeting, and now it was closed up, and I could have no liberty to appoint any meetings among them. No one else advised me to return home, but several Friends coming in afterwards, desired I would not be hasty, but wait for Divine direction, believing way would be made for me, where now there appeared no way. I felt quiet, and my mind lifted up to the Helper of his people for direction and strength to do his will. My companions were deeply tried, and I pitied them much, but could do nothing but pray for myself and for them. I told the Friend who advised me to go home, that I felt this language verified: “He that eats with me has lifted up his heel against me.” After this I asked him if he had any particular time set for us to start. He said, no! I then told him I thought we might wait a few days. He thought so, too.

The next week was the time their Monthly Meetings occurred in the city. I asked this elder if he was willing we should attend them. He said yes. After these meetings were over, and the Quarterly Meeting of Philadelphia, (which we attended) I asked him if he was willing we should go within the limits of Caln Quarter and attend the Monthly Meetings? He said “Yes, perfectly.” So we made arrangements and attended all the Monthly Meetings in that Quarter.

Next we attended Concord Quarterly Meeting. In the meeting for ministers and elders, I had a trying service. I told them I saw among them those who were maimed and lamed; men and women cripples; those who could not take a straightforward, free, firm and steady step in the path of duty, who had become cripples for the lack of keeping the eye to the Master, instead of leaning on the arm of flesh. Though they were at a loss to know what was meant by cutting off thumbs and great toes, yet they had their thumbs and great toes cut off, figuratively speaking. They could not give the whole right hand of fellowship to the true Israelitish seed, and they were cripples in both hands. The fear of man brings a snare, and they were taken in this snare.

I said, I remembered how it was with Peter when our Savior came to him to wash his feet. He was not disposed to submit to such a humiliating baptism, supposing himself capable of knowing when, and knowing how to wash his own feet; and no doubt thinking also, that it was lowering to the dignity of his Master, for Him thus to stoop to wash his disciples’s feet, or for his disciples to subject their Lord to this necessity. But when he was told, “If I wash you not, you have no part with me,” he was all submission. After the washing was over, Jesus said unto them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call me Master, and Lord; and you say well; for so I am. If I, then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.” Jesus did not choose two or three of his disciples to wash the feet of the rest, but they were to wash one another’s feet. The disciples of Christ will feel not only a willingness, but a necessity of taking and receiving advice from his fellow disciples; he will not feel himself too clean or too whole to be counseled, or reproved even by the least babe in Christ. “He that receives whomsoever I send, receives me, and He that receives me, receives Him that sent me.” Male and female are all one in Christ Jesus.

After this meeting, a minister said to me, “You have had a hard meeting, but there is cause for your exercises and your remarks. Oh, the bitter draughts my soul was made partaker of in many places, so that I can say with David, “Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence.”

Next day the Quarterly Meeting occurred. It was a very large gathering. Here, again I had close things to deliver, and hard to be uttered; yet there was more openness than in the Select Meeting. Where there is not a willingness to hear the Truth spoken, it makes hard work for those to whom it is given to declare the whole counsel of God, whether the people will hear or whether they will forbear. I told them that some, no doubt, were desirous we should have a good meeting, the language of whose hearts often was, Oh, that we could have such precious heart tendering opportunities as Friends had in the rise of the Society. But we should remember that we are a backslidden people; the love of the world, the wisdom, policy, riches, pleasures, pastimes, manners, maxims and customs of the world, have gained ascendency and great place among us; many were following those things with avidity, which our worthy predecessors were led to renounce; and were trampling under foot, or esteeming lightly those principles and testimonies for which, and the support of which, our early Friends suffered persecution, imprisonment and death. “Will not the Lord judge for these things; will not my soul be avenged on such a people or nation as this?” The judgments of the Lord are in the nation and in the Church, and yet we are not humbled. But this impressive, gracious and inviting language is still held out to us, awaiting our acceptance: “Return, you backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings.” And again: “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.”

I had to declare that it was my full belief there were those in that meeting who occupied high stations, to whom this language was applicable: “Take away from me the noise of your songs; for I will not hear the melody of your violin. But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.” That the leprosy had got into the head, and was of such a nature as to require those affected therewith, to cover the upper lip, and cry, Unclean! unclean. The foregoing is only a small part of what I had to communicate in that meeting.

In the women’s meeting I had a short testimony on the subject of dress, recommending plainness and consistency in this respect. After meeting, Elizabeth Scattergood, an elder, said to me, I have good unity with your services in our meeting today, and should have felt better satisfied if I had expressed it publicly, but, said she, “that is the way we get along; in a crippled way”—meaning for the lack of being faithful. On the day following, we visited dear Hannah Gibbons, who was in her ninety-fifth year. Truly it was a strengthening, encouraging visit to my mind. She was lively and green in old age, remembered her visit to Ohio, made in her eightieth year; could recollect much that was said and done in our Yearly Meeting at that time. One thing I think right to mention, it being a time of great disturbance and commotion on account of the spread of unsound doctrines,—the doctrines of Joseph John Gurney and his abettors, and there being some Friends in attendance of Ohio Yearly Meeting at that time, from the Smaller Body (so called) of New England. The Clerks of the women’s meeting seemed determined to close the Yearly Meeting without transacting the business thereof, being encouraged by those of their way of thinking. When the Clerk was about to read the concluding Minute, Hannah Gibbons arose and said, that although she could not hear what was before the meeting, she felt it right to say, she desired Friends would be faithful, and if the Clerks did conclude the meeting without transacting the business, she hoped faithful Friends would keep their seats, and attend to the business of the meeting. This honest, timely remonstrance, put a stop to their proceeding to conclude the meeting, and the regular business was transacted. The Friends from New England were men.

Fifth Month 11th.—Attended the Select Quarterly Meeting of ministers and elders for Caln Quarterly Meeting. Towards the close of this meeting I had to warn Friends to be aware of the Joabs—to remember Abner and Amasa, how they lost their lives by his treacherous dealings. “Died Abner, as a fool dies? his hands were not bound nor his feet fettered.” Joab did not want any one to supersede him in the king’s business, and determined to put all out of the way, who should be appointed to go before him; hence, with feigned pretences towards the one, and feigned love towards the other, he slew both Abner and Amasa. But his gray hairs were not permitted to go down to the grave in peace, though he arrayed himself conspicuously on the side of king David, yet the king gave a charge to his son and successor concerning Joab, because of his treachery and wickedness. And when Solomon commanded Benaiah to smite him, he took hold of the horns of the altar, still desiring to be considered a true worshipper in the house of God; nevertheless, he was smitten there, and there he died.

How similar to the conduct of Joab is the conduct of some in the present day, who are professing to be on the King’s side, and actuated by a zeal, but not of or from the Lord; desirous of self-exaltation or promotion, who would allure from the path of duty by feigned words and fair speeches, those who are on the King’s business; and when they have got them, to turn aside from the highway of holiness, behold their dagger is felt, the precious life is smitten, and they have no more strength to run on the Lord’s errands, or do the King’s business. Though these over-zealous pretenders to religion care nothing for the spiritual lives of those they slay, yet their aim is to make a great show of love and good will, as if the health of the souls of their fellow creatures was their chief concern. “Are you in health my brother,” said Joab to Amasa, and took him by the beard to kiss him, and then slew him, leaving him in the highway for all to gaze upon him.

12th.—Attended the Quarterly Meeting for business. In the forepart thereof, I had a testimony to bear on the subject of forgiveness, and felt easy and satisfied. In the women’s meeting I had to revive the language: “Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched-forth necks and shameless eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet. Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.” I admonished those who were high and lifted up in pride, to remember what had come upon many daughters in our land, how they had been brought down from their height and reduced to poverty within the past four years in consequence of the ravages of civil war, and although we had in many places been basking as in the sunshine of prosperity, while thousands and tens of thousands have been undergoing the keenest reverse; yet we must remember the Lord is no respecter of persons, and while we may not be obliged to drink the cup of affliction and judgment in the same way that others have been partaking of; the time will come, that all who continue indulging in the vain gratification of a worldly spirit, will experience the judgments of the Lord to come upon them, yes, the time must and will come upon all such, wherein their secret parts, or the secret of their hearts, will be discovered, and mourning, lamentation and woe will be their portion. The Lord will take away from the daughters of Zion the bravery of their tinkling ornaments and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon, etc. (see Isaiah, chapter third. As this language has been verified in the experience of many professing Christians of latter time in a remarkable manner in our beloved country, it should have a tendency to humble us as in dust and ashes before the Most High God, lest the cup of his indignation be handed to us unmingled with mercy and we have to drink the very dregs thereof. But the inviting language is still held out: “Return, you backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings.”

13th.—Attended the funeral of Isaac Phillips, an esteemed elder of Bradford Monthly and Particular Meeting. At the house of the deceased, before the interment, I expressed to the widow of this Friend, my belief that all was well with her husband, and encouraged her to keep the faith and patience, that she might follow him to his home in heaven. After the corpse was laid in the tomb, Friends held a meeting, which was very large, I had nothing to communicate; Samuel Cope and Phebe Roberts spoke therein. The same evening we went to West Chester and lodged with Elizabeth, widow of the late William Scattergood. The latter was a minister in the Society who stood much opposed to the modern innovations in doctrine and practice, which have made their way in the Society. Elizabeth is a worthy elder, and treated us with much kindness and motherly regard.

14th.—Attended West Chester Meeting (it being First-day). In this meeting I found it right to revive the language of the Apostle Peter: “But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat; the earth also, and the works that are therein, shall be burnt up. Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be in all holy conduct and godliness. Looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens, being on fire, shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat? Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwells righteousness.” I said, does any one here suppose that the Apostle Peter had an allusion to a day, in which this terraqueous globe on which we live should be destroyed by fire? I cannot suppose that he had any such meaning. The heavens and the earth here alluded to is no doubt the old fallen nature of man, against which the fire of the Lord’s jealousy is kindled, and the people of the world before the flood, having been striven with by the Spirit of the Lord to bring them out of that fallen, degenerate condition, yet they persisting therein, God gave them over to a rebrobate mind, and brought destruction upon them. So all, in every age of the world, who withstand the tender visitations of God’s mercy to their souls, and continue in sin and transgression until his mercy is withdrawn, will experience the outpouring of his indignation upon them, without respect of persons. For, by the same word, the heavens and the earth which now are, the first and fallen nature is reserved in chains, subject to the fiery ordeal and indignation of the Lord, but those who submit to the baptism of the fire and Holy Ghost, until all the chaff, tin and rebrobate silver is destroyed—until all the old nature is purged out, these experience new heavens and a new earth; new desires, new affections, all old things done away, and behold, all things become new, and all things of God.

By thus bearing the ministration of condemnation for sin and transgression by knowing the Master to sit as a refiner and purifier of gold and silver, and as a fuller with soap in the temple of the heart, becoming as passive clay in the hands of the potter, we hasten the coming of that day, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements of our old nature melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works thereof shall be destroyed. Seeing we look for such things, what manner of persons ought we to be in all holy conduct and godliness.

In the afternoon of this day my companions attended Westtown Meeting; but I feeling no draft that way, stayed in the neighborhood of West Chester, at the house of our kind young friends Joseph and Elizabeth Scattergood: Joseph is a descendant of Thomas Scattergood, that devoted servant and minister of the Lord. At this house I was sick for two days, and was very kindly treated.

On Fourth-day following we went to London Grove, in order to attend the Western Quarterly Meeting.

On Fifth-day attended the Select Quarterly Meeting, in which I was silent. Next day the Quarterly Meeting for business; silent also in that; but a woman Friend, from a neighboring Quarterly Meeting, was very lengthy, both in preaching and praying. Towards the close of the women’s meeting something arose on my mind to deliver, but the same woman again arose and had considerable to say, which put a stop to my communication before it commenced. This same Friend being at another meeting which I attended, again took up most of the time in preaching and praying; also in the Yearly Meeting was several times quite lengthy in her communications, particularly towards the close of that large assembly. My spirit was grieved thereat, believing she was going quite beyond her gift, if she had a gift, which I was not prepared to question, or deny; but she being young in the ministry, my soul did mourn over her, and I felt willing, should the Lord require me so to do, to speak to her privately on account thereof, but no way opened for my relief.

I give this as a warning to others, believing the good Master will keep those clear-sighted, careful and watchful, who put their trust in Him—who keep a single eye to his glory, and if at any time they through unwatchfulness step aside, He will chasten them with his rod of correction, causing them, when they warm themselves with sparks of their own kindling, to lie down in sorrow, feeling uncomfortable for having transgressed his righteous law. They will be induced, as their chief aim and object is to promote his glory, to bear the rod of his correction, and profit thereby. “My greatest concern (says William Penn) is for public brethren.” Oh, that I myself may watch unto prayer, and that continually, that this language may not apply unto me, in regard to what I have said on the subject of the ministry—“Out of your own mouth will I judge you.”

After this Quarterly Meeting was over I informed the Select members of that meeting, that I felt a concern to attend the meetings belonging to that Quarter, to which they readily assented, also to appoint one meeting within their limits among those not in membership with us, which was also united with.

Seventh-day, the 20th.—Morris Cope took us to London Britain, to attend that meeting on First-day. I had service therein, both in silent exercise and vocal communication, and felt satisfied. After a religious opportunity in the family where we lodged, we went to West Grove, where a meeting had been appointed to be held the next day, which we attended. In this, as in all the other meetings within the limits of this quarter, I had close things to deliver. A worldly spirit having got in, and taken possession of the uppermost room in the temple of the hearts of many, yes, most of our poor, scattered and peeled Society; and many seem not to know it; but when close things are preached among them, it seems hard for some to bear, particularly when the leprosy is in the head, as well as in the other parts of the body. Oh, what a resisting there is of that kind of medicine most needed, so that the language of my heart often was, both in and out of meeting, “My soul is exceeding sorrowful even unto death;” for I found to suffer with and for the Truth, we must dwell very low, even in places where few in these days are willing to dwell, and withal, feeling my own weaknesses and insufficiency for so great a work as that of preaching to others, being a dwarf in religious experience compared with those who have faithfully followed the footsteps of the flock of Christ’s companions. I was often brought very low in consideration of these things, and yet I felt the necessity laid upon me to do my part even in these troublous times, towards repairing the broken-down walls of our Jerusalem.

I was many times while engaged in this visit, pressed as under the weight of hills and mountains. But magnified and adored forever be his name, who never left me to become a prey to the dragon, but when He had tried and proven me, He did always show himself to be the same Almighty Helper, who can and will deliver all those who put their trust in Him, out of all their distresses.

The last meeting we attended within the limits of the Western Quarter, was at Fallowfield—a very small meeting. I was favored to relieve my mind in this meeting to the few present, and felt clear. After meeting, we went to the house of a Friend belonging to that meeting. On my way there my mind was greatly exercised, so that I could scarcely refrain from exclaiming aloud—“My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death.” The Friends where we were going being entire strangers to me, I knew not why I should be thus exercised, but upon entering their house, and even before entering their dwelling, the mystery began to be unfolded. I found they were wealthy and lived in a style which showed plainly they were not the self-denying followers of the meek and lowly Jesus, as becomes our profession. They treated us respectfully, and while dinner was preparing I felt greatly exercised in spirit, that the Lord would keep me faithful to his requirements, permitting me neither to go beyond, nor lag behind my guide.

After dinner I requested the family collected, which was done; two of the older children were from home. All the wealth and grandeur which I saw there displayed felt to me as nothing, yes, lighter than vanity; and I could not feel easy without alluding to the birth-place of our Savior. Surely it was in his power to have presented himself to the world in that prepared body in which he came to do his Father’s will, in a very different situation than that of a stable and a manger. The birth-place of the Son of God a stable! He by whom all things were made, condescended to set us this example of humility. He who could have commanded empires and kingdoms, in whose sight all nations are as the drop of a bucket. He is Lord of lords and King of kings. He regards the heart. He requires us to take his yoke upon us and learn of Him, who is meek and lowly in heart, that we may find rest to our souls. And He has declared that, “Whoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when He shall come in his own glory, and in his Father’s, and of the holy angels.” We must be willing to bear the cross, if we would wear the crown of life everlasting. I felt strengthened to declare the whole counsel to parents and children, and after a short and fervent supplication on their behalf, my own, and those who were with me, I felt clear of them, which was indeed a great favor.

Then visited the family of a brother-in-law of these Friends, and was favored to relieve my mind there also; but did not see the father of this family, he being sick. We then left the town of Coatesville, and on our way to Benjamin Maule’s (the Friend who took us to Fallowfield), we stopped and took tea with a widow, who with her daughter received us kindly. After tea, had a religious opportunity to our mutual comfort and consolation in a degree sufficient to call forth this acknowledgment, “Hitherto has the Lord helped us.”

On our way we passed the house of Solomon Lukens, who with some others in his neighborhood and elsewhere, have recently left their respective meetings, and set up others in which they profess they can worship the Father of Spirits more in accordance with their own sense of duty, than in the meetings they have left. I felt a great weight upon my spirit as I passed this house, and have since thought, if I had given up to call there at that time, I might have felt more easy; but we passed by, I concluding if the matter rested with me, I would return, but the time never came that I had an opportunity to do so.

Lodged at B. M’s, with a prospect of appointing a meeting at a little village called Unionville, four or five miles from London Grove. But on Seventh-day morning, the prospect closed up. I could not account for it, but felt it safe to be still, and told Friends I did not see my way clear to appoint that meeting. On examining the time of holding the Quarterly Meetings, I found Burlington Quarter, which I was expecting to attend, came two days earlier than we expected; then I saw why my way closed up to appoint the meeting, for we had to take the cars for Philadelphia that afternoon in order to reach Burlington in time for the Quarterly Meeting—our friend B. M. taking us to the station. With him and his family we parted in the love of the gospel. He has six daughters, all grown, and in the bloom of youth. I thought them interesting young women. His wife, and aged mother-in-law were also very kind, and we parted in near affection with these dear Friends.

On First-day we attended the Meeting for the Northern District in the morning and afternoon. In forenoon, after Deborah Brooks (a young Friend) had spoken, not a word of which I could hear, my mouth was opened to speak of silent worship, and express my belief that those who worship the Father in spirit and in truth, often find these meetings to be the most strengthening and encouraging of any other; for the minister of the sanctuary and true tabernacle, who is the Lord Jesus Christ, knows all our needs, and is acquainted with our several situations, and where there is a looking unto Him in the way of his judgments, bearing the baptism of the Holy Ghost and fire, He will cleanse the temple of the heart, and come in and sup with us, and we with Him. And He will at times and seasons break in among these thus waiting upon Him, with this inviting language—“Children come and dine”—that there will be left no doubt who it is, knowing that it is the Lord himself, thus inviting and feeding his disciples with the food He has prepared for them, comforting and strengthening their hearts together, with his holy, life-giving power and presence. Instrumental ministry which is of his begetting and ordering, is not to be despised, but appreciated according to its worth; that is as instrumental help, and not to be withheld when He gives the command to speak, for He still, as in days past, makes use of clay to anoint and open the blind eyes, yet this is not to be compared to his own immediate presence and inspeaking word nigh in the heart. I said blessed be his name forever, and let all the world say amen. Holy prophets of the Lord concerning the coming of the Son of God in the flesh, but when He came, were the ones to mock, deride and scoff, and finally put Him to death. We as a religious Society profess, not only to believe He has come in the flesh and suffered for us, the just for the unjust, but we profess to believe according to his promise in his second appearance—his spiritual appearance in the heart, and that too as a reprover for sin and transgression, as well as a Comforter to all those who follow Him. A light enlightening our dark hearts, offering salvation unto all, and to those who follow him He becomes the salvation of God to their souls, but to those who turn from the light, with which He enlightens them, and follow their own carnal wills and inclinations, He will be the witness against them as in the parable of the sheep and the goats. And although these may give a summary answer as represented in the parable, pleading ignorance of having slighted the Lord of life and glory, saying Lord (for they also called Lord), when did we see you hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto you? Then shall He answer them, saying, “Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.”

After this meeting, several Friends spoke very kindly and affectionately to me, expressing they were glad to see me there again, and one minister said he was glad to hear my voice among them again. In the afternoon, I spoke of the children of Israel who were left in the land after the generality of them had been carried to Babylon, and how Ishmael got among them and slew Gedaliah and some of the rulers and chief men, and the rest that were left determined to go into Egypt where they might not have hunger of bread, hear the alarm of war, nor see the sword; but Jeremiah faithfully warned them against this step, but go they would and did, and became greater idolaters than the nations around, pouring out their meat offerings and drink offerings to the queen of heaven. And the things they thought to escape came upon them.

The same evening, took tea at G. E’s. Some Friends coming in, I had an opportunity to lay some things before them, to the relief of my mind. The Hicksite separation was adverted to. I told them that Gurneyism was a more specious snare to lay waste Quakerism, than ever Hicksism was. Hicksism is open infidelity, but Gurneyism is calculated to slide us off the foundation so imperceptibly that we shall not know it. The first snare is more easily detected and had not many advocates; the last is working the downfall of the Society. Thomas Shillitoe said, if Friends allowed those doctrines to be circulated (which they have it in their power to suppress), the Society would go gradually down; and it is going down; a mixed garment of wool and linen is spread over us, but we seem paralyzed, and do not see and feel things as they really are. I said, we are looking abroad at England, at the departures there, but we are following close in their footsteps: Gurneyites in principle being in our midst and no testimony against them; ministers travelling among us of that description and no strength to touch them. Will not the Lord judge for these things? I had a few words in supplication and the opportunity ended, to the relief of my mind, for I felt that the Lord owned this service at my hands, and it found a place in the minds of some of those present.

Next day, went to Burlington, accompanied by Charles Williams, an elder in the city, who showed us much kindness—the Lord reward him for it. Got to Burlington in time to attend the Select Meeting at eleven o’clock; all strangers to me. The meeting was pretty much gathered when we went in. I took my seat below the ministers’ gallery, but the man Friend, an elder, at whose house we put up, invited me up; I thought best to go. There were two communications, one of considerable length from a woman, in the forepart of the meeting.

After the business of the meeting was through, I felt that I should not be clear without reviving this language, “Take away from me the noise of your songs; for I will not hear the melody of your stringed instruments. But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.” I told them I knew not the name of a minister in that meeting, but such were my feelings, that I believed this language applicable to some present; with some more plain truths, the fear of man was taken away, and my only desire was to serve the Lord. Hence the slightings and smitings were comparatively easy to bear, for I was often led to remember how it fared with the Son of God, when in that prepared body in which He came to do his Father’s will: He was reviled, spit upon, and finally crucified for our sakes.

The Jews professed to believe in the prophecies of the holy prophets of the Lord concerning the coming of the Son of God in the flesh, but when He came, were the ones to mock, deride and scoff, and finally put Him to death. We as a religious Society profess, not only to believe He has come in the flesh and suffered for us, the just for the unjust, but we profess to believe according to his promise in his second appearance his spiritual appearance in the heart, and that too as a reprover for sin and transgression, as well as a Comforter to all those who follow Him. A light enlightening our dark hearts, offering salvation unto all, and to those who follow him He becomes the salvation of God to their souls, but to those who turn from the light, with which He enlightens them, and follow their own carnal wills and inclinations, He will be the witness against them as in the parable of the sheep and the goats. And although these may give a summary answer as represented in the parable, pleading ignorance of having slighted the Lord of life and glory, saying Lord (for they also called Lord), when did we see you hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto you? Then shall He answer them, saying, “Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.”

But how many are there among our highly professing Society, who, instead of living up to our high and holy profession, are mockers and scoffers (as really as were the Jews in the days of his flesh) of the spiritual appearance of Christ in the heart. Oh, says my soul, that there might be a turning unto the Lord, while the day of mercy lasts, that we be not swept with the broom of destruction, and be like the Jews, scattered to the four winds, because of our rebellion against the light of the Lord.

In the Quarterly Meeting for business I had a short testimony before the shutters were closed, exhorting to prostration and humiliation before the Lord, whose judgments are and have been in the land. After the shutters were closed, I informed women’s meeting, that I was there with a Minute of unity and concurrence from the Monthly and Quarterly Meeting of which I am a member, branches of Ohio Yearly Meeting, that Philadelphia had been in correspondence with, but as my Minute had not been read in the Yearly Meeting, I thought it not right to offer it to Subordinate Meetings unless called for. This information seemed satisfactory to all except one member, and her daughter made quite a speech, in which she asserted that Philadelphia had never corresponded with the Yearly Meeting of which I was a member, and threw out some very harsh and bitter words. Some of her friends, however, were not prepared to join in with her railing, and quieted her down.

Philadelphia has twice since the separation in 1854 addressed epistles to Ohio, but it appears evident that in order to satisfy a class in that Yearly Meeting who are Gurneyites, and who never intend to own the legitimate Yearly Meeting of Ohio, that correspondence was dropped. May the Lord take the cause into his own hands, whose cause it is, and plead with those who fear man more than the Creator. I had considerable service for Truth in this meeting, after which some Friends spoke very kindly to us, and desired our company at their houses; but we were not at liberty to tarry at that time.

Before leaving our place of lodging, I enquired of some elders present, if they would be willing I should appoint some meetings within the limits of that quarter, provided I felt it right to return for that purpose. They answered, they would have no objection, and one of them said, he hoped if I felt like visiting their meetings, I would not neglect to do so, or words to this import. The evening after the close of this Quarterly Meeting we returned to Philadelphia, in order to attend the Monthly Meetings composing Concord Quarter.

Fifth Month.—Went from Philadelphia to West Chester, and attended Birmingham Meeting, held at that place. In this meeting I had close, hard work, believing there was a lack of faithfulness on the part of some of the heads of the meeting in the support of our Christian principles and testimonies. I had to compare them to a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint, who were not only become unfit for service themselves, but hindered others from a right performance of their respective offices. This touched some of them to the quick, the smitings of whose spirits was hard to bear. After the shutters were closed, I requested the liberty of visiting men’s meeting, which was readily agreed to. Therein I had to deal plainly with those who had turned aside from the right path, expressing my belief that the Lord would yet have a people to his praise, repeating part of the declaration of Francis Howgill: “The sun shall leave its shining brightness, and cease to give light to the world; and the moon shall be altogether darkness, and give no light unto the night; the stars shall cease to know their office or place. My covenant with day, night, times and seasons shall sooner come to an end than the covenant I have made with this people, into which they are entered with me, shall be broken.” After this meeting, I had another precious interview with dear old Hannah Gibbons.

Sixth Month 1st.—Attended Goshen Monthly Meeting. Had some service before the shutters were closed. In the meeting my heart was enlarged, and my mouth opened in the love of the gospel, to encourage a faithful endurance of the baptisms necessary for our refinement and preparation for the work and service of the Lord; believing there were those present who were designed to become as mothers in our Israel. I had to revive the language, “Neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus says the Lord unto the eunuchs that keep my Sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls, a place and a name better than of sons and daughters.” I said, it is good to feel our nothingness, our entire inability to do the least good thing of ourselves, to be emptied, so that we shall appear in our own natural view robbed and spoiled—divested of all the natural beauty and comeliness, lying prostrate before the Lord and apparently useless. Then, when He tries and proves us until seven times pass over us, we shall know in the Lord’s own time and by the might of his power, all old things done away and behold all things made new. “Then shall the lame man leap as a hart, and the tongue of the dumb sing: for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert. And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water.” My heart was enlarged in the love and liberty of the gospel, and I may say in demonstration of the spirit, to speak the truth among them, greatly to the peace of my soul, and to the refreshment and encouragement of others. Next day attended Concord Monthly Meeting. The same evening rode to Birmingham to the house of our Friends, Aaron and Susan Sharpless.

Next day, the 3rd of the month, rode to Wilmington, and attended their meeting on the 4th, it being First-day. I was engaged in this meeting in testimony and supplication, to the relief and peace of my mind, and I believe, to the satisfaction of those visited. My way was unexpectedly opened among them, and the Truth chained down opposing spirits. Oh, how necessary for ministers to cast all their care and burdens on the Lord; truly He does great things for them who serve and fear Him, and this my soul knows right well. After this meeting a Hicksite preacher by the name of Bancroft, came to our lodgings to talk with us, and offer us some pamphlets, which had been recently published by some of their members, designing and desiring to bring about a re-union of Friends and Hicksites. I told the man that they, the Hicksites, must disown the doctrines of Elias Hicks before we could own them as Friends. I had heard Elias Hicks preach, and had read his sermons, and considered him a deist. That I heard Elias say in our meeting at Flushing, that if it were not for revelation, we could not distinguish a man from a horse, or a horse from a tree. I told him I had conversed with some of their members, who said they were not in unity with the Hicksites, but being queried and questioned with relative to the Son of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, would not own Him to be anything more than a good man, as any other man might be; also denying that there was any evil agent distinct from man as a tempter, the devil—Satan—as termed in the Holy Scriptures. I found I must come to points with this man, showing the why and wherefore we could not own them, till they renounced the deistical doctrines which caused the separation. We parted on friendly terms, after a very free, and pretty full discourse on the subject. Aaron Sharpless, the Friend who took us to Wilmington, expressed his entire satisfaction with the interview. Language and utterance were given me to clear myself of any compromise, which seems to be the desire of the Hicksites to make with Friends, that is, that all who profess to be Friends should meet together as one Society, irrespective of the principles they may hold. This will never do, for the Lord will not accept such a mixture.

From Wilmington we went back to Birmingham, where we attended an appointed meeting on the 5th. In this meeting, as elsewhere, I had close things to deliver to those who had forsaken the right path, and those who were refusing to listen to the voice of instruction. I said, the eleventh hour call does not always come late in life. Peter Yarnall experienced the very last call of mercy in his youthful years, and he was shown if he did not then yield, the day of his visitation would be over. So it seemed to me some then present were very near their last visitation; it was time for them to look around them, and close in with the offers of mercy before it was too late. The meeting ended in supplication to the Father of mercies for the continuation of his pardoning grace.

Dined at David Garret’s with a considerable number of Friends, young, as well as those more advanced in years. Soon after entering this house, my mind became very much exercised, and some considerations took hold of my feelings, which I was not able to put from me, without requesting a religious opportunity with all present, some being about to leave. Soon after dinner, we accordingly sat down together. I felt that I must neither turn to the right hand nor left. I must not do anything to make my communication more agreeable and acceptable to the natural mind than the Lord would have it to be. So it came before me to say, “Friends, if there are any here, who undertake to keep fair sides with all the hickory Quakers they meet, it will keep them busy, and besides, they will be in danger of losing their spiritual life by such a course. I said, the pathway of some is thickly strewed with temptations. There is need of keeping the eye single to the Lord. There are those who would draw us into their snare. Gurneyism is in our midst; we had need to take heed.” This caution may be as needful for myself as any present, yet I dared not withhold it. I had considerable to say in a close, warning manner with respect to the situation of society. I said, I had felt the smitings of some spirits which was harder to bear than open rebuke. After this opportunity, I felt that I had incurred the displeasure, or disunity of some, who before had shown me much kindness, and I subsequently found I was not mistaken in my apprehensions.

Next day attended an appointed meeting at Concord, it being the Third of the week and 6th of the month; on Fourth, Fifth and Sixth-days of this week was at Middletown, Chester and Chichester Meetings. On Seventh-day rode from Chichester to Whiteland, eighteen miles, and put up with our friends, Isaac and Abigail Hall. Attended their meeting on First-day, which was small, and had some service to the relief of my mind. In the afternoon of this day we visited some families. The first was a Friend who had left Whiteland Meeting, and sits down at home alone; alleging, that Philadelphia Yearly Meeting has lost its standing as a Yearly Meeting of Friends, and that he can have no fellowship with meetings subordinate thereto. I cleared my mind towards him and his family, and left them with a sorrowful heart, believing him to be under a mistake as to the thing required; while, at the same time we are bound to admit that many stumblings are by the leaders of that Yearly Meeting, cast in the way, both of the honest, sincere seekers, as well as those who are seeking occasion of stumbling. I told this individual I believed he was mistaken, and not following the path of duty in leaving his meeting.

Next we visited three aged Friends; had a religious opportunity with them, and went to see George Malin, a Friend nearly ninety years old, he being on his deathbed, and could neither see nor speak; though he appeared sensible. I said to him that I trusted his sufferings would soon be over, and was led to supplicate for his happy release, and for those in health around his bed, that we might be prepared for the final summons. After an opportunity with his nephew, who was left with a little family to care for, I felt peaceful and easy to leave, and returned to Isaac Hall’s. A Friend and her husband coming in, we had a silent sitting for a time together, when something arose for communication, to which I yielded, and felt peaceful and easy afterwards.

A song of praise did indeed fill my heart, and I was encouraged to press onwards towards the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. The substance of my communication was this—that Mary Magdalene, and the other women, that followed Jesus afar off, when He was taken to be crucified; after his death still lingered around and near the sepulchre. Jesus arose from the dead, showed himself first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom He had cast seven devils, bade her go and tell his disciples that He was risen from the dead—joyful news. In this dark and cloudy day, when Jesus is spiritually put to open shame—when the leadings and guidings of his Spirit are neglected and slighted—when his true disciples have to mourn and weep—when everything like comfort and consolation is withdrawn, and the enemies of Truth are permitted to rejoice, it is fitting we should keep the faith and patience of the saints. It is necessary if we would experience our joy and consolation to abound in Christ Jesus, to cleave to that little measure and manifestation of the Spirit still vouchsafed, even in the most dark and gloomy hour: “For the oppression of the poor, for the sighing of the needy, now will I arise, says the Lord.” If these his disciples had not kept near Him—had not waited for the consolations of his Spirit—had not mourned as true mourners, do we believe they would have ever been permitted to become living witnesses of his glorious resurrection, or preachers thereof? Blessed be God! He will not leave any comfortless who put their trust in Him. He will more than compensate them for all their sorrow and grief on account of the sad state of things in the Church and State as they cleave to Him; though it may seem for a time, that the hour and power of darkness is so great, that no hope is left; that things will change for the better. Yet He who burst the bonds of death, because it was not possible he should be held by them: He is Lord of lords and King of kings; He can and will do great and wonderful things for those who put their trust in Him. Blessed, praised and magnified be his adorable name, says my soul, forever and forever.

Second-day, the 12th of the Month—I felt my mind drawn to visit the families within the limits of Goshen Monthly Meeting, who had recently withdrawn from their respective meetings, and joined in fellowship with those who have elsewhere come to the conclusion that Philadelphia and Ohio Yearly Meetings are no longer bodies rightly claiming the name of Friends. The first family we visited was that of R. E. He and his wife and children appeared satisfied with the visit. I laid before them the danger of setting up our individual judgments respecting whole bodies of Friends; that we ought to be able to give substantial reasons for so manifestly disclaiming any unity therewith before leaving. I had not been able to see the propriety of this step, and believed it would lead farther and farther into the wilderness. I exhorted them to reconsider their movements, to turn unto the Lord, look for help from Him, and I believed they would see their mistake. That it was for lack of abiding in the everlasting faith and patience of the saints, that they had taken this step. The mother of this family expressed her thankfulness for the visit, and I was well satisfied in having performed it.

We next went to Jonathan Cope’s, who did not incline to accept such a visit, so we did not get out of the carriage. From there to Aaron Garrett’s; he also refused us admittance on the ground proposed, that is, a religious visit, so we left them, but felt satisfied that I had made the attempt.

Dined and lodged at the house of our friends Jacob and Phebe Roberts. They seemed to bid us welcome with the whole heart. Phebe is a minister, and Jacob an elder. Oh, that the Lord may keep the little ones in the hollow of his holy hand, from being betrayed by fair words and smooth speeches.

On the morning of the 13th, left the house of our kind friends Jacob and Phebe Roberts, in order to attend the Quarterly Meeting of Haddonfield. During the evening previous to leaving, I had an interesting and satisfactory opportunity with this family. My mind was drawn into living exercise for the dear children, and my heart enlarged to speak many gospel truths in their hearing. Phebe expressed her thankfulness for the visit, and I believe she felt it as she expressed it. In the afternoon went from Philadelphia to Moorestown, N. J.

On the 14th, attended the Select Quarterly Meeting held at Upper Evesham, in which I had considerable to communicate, but felt the spirit of opposition strong against me, so that my service was indeed laborious, but felt satisfied in having endeavored to relieve my mind faithfully among them. I had to advert to and dwell somewhat upon the necessity of becoming humbled before the Lord; letting Him turn his hand upon us, then if He wash us, we will be willing to receive counsel from the very least child, willing to take advice as well as give.

Oh, the self-righteous, self-exalted spirit that prevails in many ministers, as well as elders, in our poor Society; not more in that place than in many others. After meeting, dined with David Darnell and wife, who treated us very kindly. Lodged with Mary Borton and daughters; the mother was in a declining state of health, but very peaceful and resigned.

Next day, at Haddonfield Quarterly Meeting. My mind was under great exercise in that large meeting; bearing it until I felt it required of me to speak. I arose, with these words—Oh, Haddonfield, Haddonfield, the Lord has a controversy with you; the multitude of your chariots, your horses and horsemen cannot save you when the Lord rises up to plead with you. Then I said in substance, that the day of the Lord must come upon all that is high and lifted up, upon all the oaks of Bashan, upon all the cedars of Lebanon, and upon all pleasant pictures, upon every one that is high and lifted up, and he shall be brought low. I had a short, impressive warning to deliver to them, exhorting them to flee to the strong tower for safety, to humble themselves before the Lord, that it might be well with them, etc. After the shutters were closed, I had an encouraging testimony for the sincere and upright-hearted, in and under which my mind was strengthened and encouraged with this language—“Why do you say, oh Jacob, and speak, oh Israel, my way is hid from the Lord, and my judgment is passed over from my God? Have you not known, have you not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, faints not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding. He gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might, He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.”

My heart was enlarged in the love of the gospel towards those present who were pressed down under discouragement, and they were encouraged to lift up their heads in hope. I felt greatly relieved after this meeting and very peaceful in mind. Many Friends spoke affectionately to us after meeting, toward whom the salutation of gospel love was felt to flow without respect of persons.

Dined at Henry Roberts’, where many Friends came. After dinner, had a religious opportunity with a large company. I encouraged the weary and heavy laden, and fainthearted, to trust in the Lord.

Took tea at _______, but felt little like eating, or enjoying conversation of any kind, believing I should not be permitted to leave that house peacefully without requesting a religious opportunity with the family and those present, of whom there was a considerable number. I had a close warning to some present to set their spiritual houses in order for the final reckoning. Then felt clear to leave them, and returned to Moorestown, and lodged with our kind friend Hannah Warrington, where we made our home during our stay within the limits of that Quarterly Meeting. Several Friends, mostly aged and infirm, unable to get out, wished us to make them a visit; and I feeling it right to do so, on Sixth-day afternoon, the 16th, we made several calls on the class mentioned. Seventh-day was employed mostly in the same way, and I thought rightly so. It was truly an interesting visit to me, as I thought I saw the hand of the Lord in it, leading us from place to place, and I think generally acceptable to the visited.

First-day, the 18th.—Went from Moorestown to Haddonfield, six miles, to attend that meeting. My mind was deeply exercised therein, but I was silent throughout. A woman Friend from a neighboring Quarterly Meeting, took up most of the time in preaching and praying. It was a very trying meeting to me, believing the cause was hurt by this individual.

Dined at Josiah Evans’. After a religious opportunity in this family, went to Joseph Snowden’s. He having decidedly opposed in their Quarterly Select Meeting, the liberty I asked, to visit by appointment (when not convenient to attend as they came in course) the meetings belonging to Haddonfield Quarter, and to appoint some among those not in membership with us. I told Joseph and his wife, I had no object in coming to see them, only to comply with a sense of duty impressed upon my mind. Now, if they had any counsel for me, whatever it might be, I was willing to hear it. I felt disposed to take the advice of the elders at home and abroad, and if they thought I ought to return home, they need not be afraid to tell me so; I had always loved good order and discipline, and tried to adhere to it. Joseph replied, that he had no advice to give, but to encourage me to attend to the pointings of Truth; he did not wish me to return home. I told him I had been endeavoring to follow the pointings of Truth, and I believed that led me to ask permission of the Select members of that Quarterly Meeting, to visit the meetings within its limits to which he was strongly opposed. He said, if I had come the week before I could have attended all the Monthly Meetings as they occurred. I let him know that was not in the line of my duty; and further told him if he could feel free for me to go to the meetings as they came in course, and had unity enough to encourage, or be willing I should do so, I could see no real ground to object to the appointment of meetings. I thought he felt himself in a narrow place, but I put the burden fairly on his shoulders, and after some religious communication to his son and daughter, I left them, feeling thankful I had been helped to make that visit, and to be faithful while there. Oh, how sweet and precious the Truth is as we follow it; how it leads into faithfulness, meekness, and all that is lovely. Returned to Moorestown that evening, but not without apprehensions that I had better remained at Haddonfield a little longer.

Next morning, the 20th of Sixth Month, after a religious opportunity with dear Hannah Warrington, her brother-in-law and two nieces, we left Moorestown for Philadelphia.

On the 21st attended the Monthly Meeting for the Western District. Truly it was a very laborious, trying service that fell to my lot. It seemed as if everything was arrayed against me, and suffering both before and after the shutters were closed, was my meat and my drink. One woman Friend (and I think the only female elder there), showed us much kindness, desiring my encouragement, said my service was hard among them, but she believed called for.

My way now seemed hedged in on every side, and I found patience and faith were necessary in no small degree, in order to keep the right track. I had been looking towards attending some meetings in the limits of Salem Quarter, but the enemy was permitted to buffet me sore, and I was let down into the low dungeon.

Fifth-day 22nd.—Attended Arch Street Meeting, and was silent therein. Went to Joseph Walton’s in the afternoon and remained there till First-day, not seeing anything to do, save making a visit to a young Friend, who resided with her brother in the city. There we had a free social visit, and also some communication on religious subjects.

First-day, attended Arch Street Meeting, and had some service therein, and felt satisfied. Dined at Joseph S. Elkinton’s and went with them to the afternoon meeting for the Southern District, but had nothing to communicate. Lodged at Joseph Walton’s. Believing it to be required of me to visit the meetings in the limits of Salem Quarter, we set out on Second-day afternoon the 26th, for Woodbury; got there in the evening and lodged at Carlton Stokes’. That night I was quite ill, so that I slept but little, and thought it not improbable that my remains might be laid there, being threatened with a severe turn of the dysentery. But my mind was kept so calm and quiet, that a song of praise filled my heart, and I could desire nothing more than the Lord granted me at that time.

Next morning remained in bed until meeting time, then arose and went to meeting, though scarcely able to walk. It was their Monthly Meeting, and I could say I was glad I was there, and others responded thereto. After meeting, took the cars to Salem. Were met by William Carpenter, who took us to his house, where we were kindly treated by himself and wife.

Next day attended Salem Monthly Meeting, which was very small, it being harvest time, and many absent. I had some service in the way of the ministry, but felt after meeting as if my work there was not done. Dined at Martha Wistar’s, and after resting awhile rode seventeen miles to Greenwich; our kind Friend, William Carpenter, taking us in his conveyance. Reached Clarkson Sheppard’s about dark, and were truly thankful. We were well cared for every way. Hospitality without grudging or dissimulation, was shown us in no small measure. Next day attended their Monthly Meeting, in which I had close service, which has fallen to my lot very often in this visit, so that very little pleasant bread has been my portion in the various meetings which we have attended, save as I have been led with the eye of faith to behold, that when this shaking is over, when the Lord shall have melted and tried us, he will beautify his sanctuary and make the place of his feet glorious among this people as in the gathering of this society. We made several family visits at Greenwich, and felt peace and satisfaction. Returned to Salem on Sixth-day evening, our kind friend, Wilmon Bacon, going with us. We were late in starting and were out after night, there being as great a storm of rain as ever I was in; the night was extremely dark, only when flashes of lightning enlightened the darkness, but our Lord and Master brought us through without accident. I regretted not stopping all night where we took tea, believing it was a miss, but fearing the friend who was with us was in haste to return, it being harvest time, I did not mention my feelings, and so went rather contrary to my best judgment. I have always found the Master’s intimations are to be preferred, before all and everything else.

Attended Salem Meeting on First-day. Great were the conflicts of my spirit, both before and after going into this meeting, believing hard things would be required. After sitting a considerable time under deep exercise, I arose with this query, whether any did suppose they could stay at home in the middle of the week and attend to their domestic concerns, and come to meeting on First-day and go to sleep, and thus offer acceptable sacrifice to God? And some such were very critical too in their observations, had nice ears, liked to hear eloquent sermons, when they heard preaching; but I had a message for them in plain, simple language. And then the Lord required me to take the shawl off my shoulders and tell them that thus would the Lord strip them of the covering wherewith they were covered. “Woe unto him that covers himself with a covering, but not of my spirit says the Lord.” He is not to be mocked; none can wrest themselves out of his holy hands, when once he shall arise to plead with them in judgment unmingled with mercy. I exhorted those who were thus at ease, to make haste, arise, and shake themselves from the dust of the earth before it is too late. The Lord is still disposed to have mercy. “While you have the light, walk in the light, work while it is day, for the night comes wherein no man can work.” When mercy and grace are withdrawn then we are left in darkness, and have no more opportunity to work out our soul’s salvation. I spoke encouragingly to those who were striving lawfully for the mastery over the corruptions of their fallen nature, and over the temptations of the devil, believing there were such present. The Lord did indeed weigh the mountains in scales, and the hills in a balance, and give me that day to see and feel that there is nothing too hard for Him to do. For my soul was bowed down as under the weight of mountains; but you O Lord, did support me, I was as one pressed out of measure, but your hand did take hold of me and kept me from sinking below hope. Let none ever distrust the power of the Lord in the hour of great extremity. “Trust in the Lord, O my soul! yes, trust in the Lord, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.”

I left this meeting quiet and easy in mind, after which I called at the house of a member in Salem. It was impressed upon my mind that it was required of me to ask the father and mother of this family to sit down awhile in silence with us. I had been before impressed that I was the subject of scorn and derision by the woman of this house, which made it hard for me to give up to this requisition; but the Lord made hard things easy, and bitter things sweet. I felt that I must not turn to the right hand, nor to the left, but obey the orders of the Captain of Salvation. The request was acceded to, and I soon found my mind impressed with an exhortation to deliver first to the father, and then to the mother, to become concerned for themselves, and not put off the work of repentance and amendment of life. Time is uncertain, the necessity very great to have our day’s work going on in the day time, and exhorted them to be concerned to train up their family in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I then left them, feeling greatly relieved, and very thankful that I had attended to this duty. They bade me farewell respectfully, and I had cause to believe were satisfied with the visit. I afterwards learned that this woman, on being queried with by her mother if she was not going to Monthly Meeting the fourth day previous, replied no; that she did not want to hear a ranter preach, alluding to my prospect of being there, for as such I had been represented to her. Then I saw that my feelings had been correct, and that the Lord had laid it upon me to preach in their house, not having heard anything of her remarks. Truly my soul has dwelt among lions, but the Lord has stopped their mouths. I had felt on entering that house when we first stopped in Salem, that if any religious service was required of me there, it would be like taking my life to give up thereto; but the things that my soul refused have become my sorrowful meat. Praise the Lord, you who have known the bow of steel to be broken, and the arms of your hands made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob. It is through good report and evil report, as deceivers and yet true, that the tribulated servants of the Lord must pass along; for if they have called the Master of the house Beelzebub, what will they not say of them whom he has called and appointed to run on his errands. After the opportunity above mentioned, dined at Caspar Wistar’s. Had some religious service in the family, and felt easy and peaceful. Caspar and his wife both expressed satisfaction with the visit.

Took tea at George Abbott’s, had a religious opportunity in the family to the relief and peace of my mind, and to the satisfaction of the visited. It has rarely happened in this visit that my Master whom I desired I think above all things, faithfully to serve, allowed me to leave a family without a religious opportunity, though my natural inclination would gladly have been excused therefrom. Lodged that night at Martha Wistar’s, but had I been faithful when there before, we need not have returned at this time; I endeavored to clear my mind towards this family.

Seventh Month 3rd.—Left Salem with a peaceful mind, and took the boat for Philadelphia. Had a pleasant and beautiful ride on the great Delaware; got to Nathan Kite’s about noon. My mind had been under exercise in regard to attending the meetings belonging to Muncy and Exeter Monthly Meetings, branches of Philadelphia Quarterly Meeting. I found I must stand resigned to go, although the weather was very warm, and everything as to the outward seemed to be against it. I mentioned the subject to my companions, and to Nathan and Hannah Kite. My companions expressed a willingness to go, but Nathan and Hannah did not encourage or discourage, leaving the matter entirely with myself. I took that opportunity to ask Nathan Kite if I had gone counter to his advice since I had been among them. I said, did you not say, you were willing I should visit the Monthly Meetings in the city? He said, Yes. When I asked, Did you not say you were willing I should visit the Monthly Meetings in the limits of Caln Quarter. “Yes, perfectly.” Now I do not want to go counter to the advice of the elders, but as the subject of going to Muncy was left with me, I must be wholly resigned to go, so we were about preparing to set out next morning. But after my mind had become fully resigned, and I was making no other calculation but to go, the scale began to turn, and turn it did, until the pointings of the Master’s finger were directly homewards. Oh, the goodness of my Heavenly Father in this release, but I did not mention my feelings to my companions till next morning. Arising early, I let them know our way was clear towards home, as soon as arrangements could be made for leaving the city. Having several times during our tarriance in the city sought an opportunity to be a little time in Elizabeth Pitfield’s company, she being confined at home through indisposition, and having failed, I now sent her word we were about to return home, and if she wished to see us, we would be willing to spend a little time in her company. The time set by herself for the visit, was four o’clock, the 4th of the month. We accordingly went at the time, found her sitting up and ready to receive us. I informed her that I had heard she had expressed a wish to see us, and now if she had anything for us, I, or we, were willing to hear it. We sat awhile in solemn silence, in which the Master gave us an unspeakable evidence, that his presence was near, to my humbling admiration, and then Elizabeth was commissioned to break that silence, and express her feelings, which I found were in unison with my own, being bound to acknowledge that the presence of the Master was to be felt and witnessed, giving life, peace and satisfaction in the opportunity; reviving for my encouragement this language: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; yes, I will help you; yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.” Before a word was spoken, this language ran through my mind, feeling that we were permitted to realize it: “Man did eat angels’ food.” We parted with Elizabeth in near affection, and the language of Joseph ran through my mind, “Does my Father yet live.” I found my dear aged friend alive in the Truth, and rejoicing to find those alive too, whom she may have (by insinuations and deceptions on the part of others) supposed, torn to pieces by a wild, ranting spirit, as some were accustomed to represent me.

Oh! the wonder-working power of the Almighty? Who can fathom it? Who can stay the bottles of heaven? “Who can bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?” He has reserved the prerogative in his own hands to take the wise in their own craftiness. Oh, Philadelphia! Philadelphia, how has my spirit been made to partake in the midst of you of the cup of deep suffering! How have the mountains of exercise pressed sore upon me! How have the enemies of Truth ploughed upon my back and made long their furrows—how did my God give me up to be trodden down as the mire of the streets, when no arm save that of Omnipotence could have sustained me under the weight of exercise and distress meted out to me since my lot was cast in you—you magnificent and populous city—once the habitation of many worthy champions for the Truth; now, alas! the residence of many under the name of Friends, but not in the possession of the Truth “as it is in Jesus.” Yet I believe there is a seed and remnant preserved. Returned to Nathan Kite’s and stayed till after tea. Before leaving, I told Nathan, I had nothing to take back, or regret, that I had said in their Yearly Meeting. I said, moreover, we have had some favored opportunities together, and I trust, there is still a feeling left in our hearts in which we can recommend one another to the care and keeping of the Shepherd and Bishop of souls, and bid each other farewell in the love of the gospel: to which Nathan fully and freely assented; and we then shook hands and parted, to meet perhaps, no more on earth. At the same time Nathan said to me: May you be comforted and strengthened when you get home.

There the Lord let me see his wonders in the deep; there He kept my head above the waters, when the waves ran high and boisterous. He showed me before I left my own habitation, that I must suffer those, and there in that Golgotha his everlasting arms were underneath, though nothing but the grain of living faith was vouchsafed, and felt to support, and my heart has praised Him, that I was accounted worthy to suffer with the oppressed, down-trodden seed: while the frost consumed by night and the draught by day. Praise the Lord.

Returned to Joseph Walton’s, and spent the evening pleasantly with several Friends. Next morning took leave of Joseph and his wife, their brothers, sisters and aged mother, and left Philadelphia in the eight o’clock train for home. On my way this language was almost constantly in my mind: “With my staff I passed over this Jordan, but now I am become two bands,” having become united to a living remnant, who felt as flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone; both among the aged, the middle aged, and the dear youth, whose prayers and good desires followed us homewards as the kindred of Joseph. On my way home, where we lodged the last night, a young woman was playing on the piano. I went to her and thus accosted her: “Will you receive the word of exhortation from a stranger?” She immediately stopped playing. Then I laid before her the necessity of spending her time in the fear of the Lord and to his honor and glory. The tears came in her eyes, and we parted friendly. Oh, the cross it is and has been thus to address others, but my peace is concerned therein and I dared not withhold. Went on my way rejoicing, but not without trembling for my own safety. Our friends at home rejoiced to see us, and we them.

Chapter IX

- Protracted Illness

- Private Spiritual Exercises

- Interview with Daniel Koll

- And Opportunities with other Individuals

- A Religious Visit to Indiana

- Iowa

- And the Western Parts of Ohio; And the Peculiar Exercises and Trials Connected Therewith

- Death of Her Brother, Jacob Branson, and Her Accompanying Feelings

After my return from this visit, I was able to get out to meeting quite regularly until about the middle of the Second Month, 1866, when my health again gave way, and I was pretty closely confined to my bed for about eight months, being unable during that time, and even some longer, to walk a step without suffering in consequence, and often had turns of great prostration of bodily strength, which seemed to threaten at times, immediate dissolution. But He who holds our lives in his hand, saw fit to order it otherwise, and He again raised me up, to enjoy tolerable health and strength: when I first began to attend our religious meetings, after this indisposition, I had for some weeks to be carried in and out of the meetinghouse, being unable to walk.

Third Month 3rd, 1866.—I feel like recording my feelings on the evening of the 28th ult. After spending the afternoon of that day in earnest desires that I might be searched, tried and proven, that if anything remained in my heart contrary to the will of God, that I might be enabled to bear the cleansing, purifying operations necessary to remove it, whatever it might be: that nothing might stand in my way of acceptance with the Beloved of Souls. After the Lord had begotten this exercise in my heart, He did condescend, in a marvelous manner, to break through all weakness, and the feeling of unworthiness which for some time had been the clothing of my spirit, so that I had felt afraid to take his name in my mouth, and He did pour into my soul the song of thanksgiving, praise and high renown to his own worthy name. He did clothe my spirit with praise, as with a garment. He sent his angel and rolled away the stone from the door of the sepulchre. He removed every restraint, and gave me to see and feel that He is the same today, yesterday and forever—that nothing is too hard for Him to do—that He has all power in the visible and spiritual creation. And when I had remained under this feeling for some time He gradually withdrew the overflowing fulness from my heart and left me in the enjoyment of peaceful acquiescence to his holy will, trusting that as He cares for the sparrows, so He would care for me. I said, I will praise you, O God, with my whole heart—I will utter the song of thanksgiving, glory, honor and high renown unto my God: Praise Him, O my soul, in heights, and praise Him in depths—when He hides his face from you, praise Him by keeping hold of that little grain of living faith mercifully vouchsafed, which will keep you from despair, in the most dark and gloomy hour: and when He arises for your deliverance, and shows you the light of his countenance, keep your heart with all diligence, lest after having sung his praise as on the banks of deliverance, like Israel of old, you forget his works and cause his hand to be turned against you. My spirit had at times for months previous to this, been in the deeps, in travail, exercise and sympathy for and with some, who had widely strayed from the path of peace, whose dwelling seemed to be where there was no ray of light. I felt, as it were, the weight of mountains pressing upon me, and as the floods of deep discouragement and despair, presented and awfully threatened to overwhelm, my prayer day and night was, Lord, be graciously pleased to have mercy, and in your great and wonderful mercy be pleased to prevent the awful calamity of hopeless despair from overwhelming those who feel that they have grievously revolted from your law and commandments; and bring them to see and feel, that though their sins be as scarlet, you can make them white as snow, and though red like crimson, you can make them as wool, though their sins be many and grievous, you, in your compassionate mercy are ready to forgive and blot out as there is a bowing before you. Oh, that I could write my feelings in a book, that I could persuade the sons and daughters of men, to whom the arms of everlasting mercy are stretched out for their help and recovery, to lay hold of the hope set before them. Oh, that I could persuade those who are still in the bonds of iniquity and resting under a false hope, to turn unto the Lord, who will have mercy, and to our God, who will abundantly pardon.

The foregoing has been written on a sick bed, to which I have been mostly confined for some weeks past.

Eighth Month 23rd.—Received a visit today from Daniel Koll and David Conrow. Daniel has been one of the leaders in the late separation in our Yearly Meeting, and David has followed their footsteps. All the family having gone to Monthly Meeting except the colored woman, I had no idea who was about to enter my room until they came in. When I shook hands with them, Daniel remarked that hearing I was confined to my room by indisposition, and being in the neighborhood, he felt like coming to see me; to which I made no reply, but asked them to sit down. The prayer of my heart then was: “Lord, preserve me from uttering a word uncalled for by you;” and the desire was that if consistent with his will, I might be permitted to spend the time in silence.

After a few brief inquiries and answers respecting my health, we dropped into silence, which remained undisturbed for a considerable time, during which I felt this precious invitation awaiting the acceptance of those to whom it was applicable, and very sweet and precious did the mercy of God feel to my soul: “Return, you backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings.” But still I felt in hopes I might be permitted to pass the time in silence. After this the language of the prophet came before me: “Take away from me the noise of your songs; for I will not hear the melody of your violins;” and I felt that I should not be clear without reviving it, and so I did. I told Daniel that he had been visited of the Lord, his understanding had been opened to see the beauty of holiness, but for the lack of keeping his eye single to the Lord and following the true light, he had become as a vessel marred on the wheel, so that this language appeared applicable unto his situation: “Take away from me the noise of your songs; for I will not hear the melody of your stringed instruments. But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream,” in the temple of your heart: and again, “O that you had hearkened to my commandments! then had your peace been as a river, and your righteousness as the waves of the sea.” I told them that the foundation they were resting on could not stand; that nothing pleased the enemy better than to get people into a false rest and false peace. They knew I had never given countenance or encouragement to the steps they had taken, that is, withdrawing from their respective meetings and setting up separate ones; and because I had dealt plainly and honestly with those who had thus departed from the right way, I had been accounted their enemy. But of one thing we are all aware, that we must independently of any arm of flesh to lean upon, separately and singly stand before the judgment seat of Christ, and receive a reward according to the deeds done in the body; and the ardent prayer of my heart for them, as well as for myself, is, that we might be able in sincerity of heart to adopt this language: “Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts, and if there be any wicked way in me, do it away.”

I told Daniel he well knew that I had dealt plainly and honestly with him some years ago when at his house, letting him know that I had no unity with the course he was pursuing. He said he knew it, but his desire was to do right. I told him I fully believed he was in an error and deceived, and you too [David] who had joined with him in this separation. That he was among the first at Salem who took this step, and a great weight and responsibility rested upon him. I said, do not be going about strengthening the wrong and weakening the right. I said to David, oh, that you were still a member of our meeting deepened in the root of life, so that you could dig with the staff of faith for the arising of the well-spring of life in yourself and others. He replied, that his desire had been to do right. I answered, but you are, I believe, deceived. They both gave me to understand that they did not look upon me as their enemy. I said, I must be clear. I pray God that you may do that which is right, though we be accounted as reprobates. But I trust you shall come to know that we are not reprobates. Daniel said, he had no counsel for me; he left the Yearly Meeting because it had left the right foundation. I told him I believed in the view of Lydia Ann Barclay, namely: That separation brought about in the will and wisdom of the creature was like one worldly spirit separating from another, and great reproach will be entailed on the blessed cause.

Twelfth Month 23rd, 1867.—Yesterday I entered my sixtieth year; how solemn the consideration that I have lived so long on this earth and done so little to promote the Redeemer’s kingdom among mankind, yet the prayer of my heart has been ever since I was young in years, that the Lord would so deal with me, as to fit me for my latter end, no matter what strokes it might take. And I can say in looking over my past life, the Lord has dealt marvelously and very graciously with me: Blessed, praised and magnified be his holy and adorable name forever; and let all the world say amen. For He has preserved my life both naturally and spiritually, through many sore conflicts of flesh and spirit. “When I said my flesh and my heart fails, your mercy, O God, held me up.”

30th.—My spirit has long been and still continues to be greatly exercised on behalf of my nephew L. B., whose welfare I have earnestly sought, not only by giving counsel, admonition and encouragement to pursue the right path, the path that leads to peace, but the fervent petitions of my heart have often been raised to the Father of mercies on his behalf. Oh, that his heart might be turned to seek after durable riches and righteousness, before the day of his merciful visitation passes over.

First Month 14th, 1868.—I have just been conversing with an individual, who some years ago was a serious, sober-minded young man, apparently much concerned for the welfare of his own soul, and that of others; but who by giving way to a wrong spirit, stumbling at the faults of others, and forsaking the Truth, has become a poor, wandering outcast, and literally a vagabond upon the earth. The show of his countenance does witness against him, having the look of a hardened sinner; and yet mercy, unspeakable mercy, seems still to follow him, and he appears to be aware in some measure of his wretched and forlorn condition. Oh, you who gathers souls as from the pit of corruption, have mercy upon this man as you had upon the one that met you out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, who was afterwards found sitting clothed, and in his right mind.

Third Month 18th.—Attended the close of the winter session of our Boarding School. Went under considerable discouragement and some difficulty, the roads being very bad and tedious to travel over, but I was favored to return home with an easy mind, which more than compensated for all difficulty.

On my way home, attended Harrisville Meeting, and there, as well as at school, had something to communicate in the way of the ministry, which was relieving to my feelings. On our way from this meeting to the Friend’s house where we dined, I noticed an aged man in a field by the roadside. When I saw him my heart was moved to address a few words to him in the love of the gospel. I halted a little and then proceeded onward, but finding I should have a burden resting upon me if I did not yield, I requested the Friend with me to invite the stranger to the carriage. He came without hesitation, and received what I had to say with respectful attention, saying he was thankful for the opportunity.

After dinner, went to the house of a Friend, and found him and his wife at home, his wife’s father being there also. I laid before them the concern that rested with me on account of the lack of true love, Christian patience and forbearance apparent in the heads of that family, relieving my mind in a very plain way to the father in particular, and also to the others. I felt thankful for the opportunity afforded for clearing myself on this occasion, and when I had done so, proceeded towards home.

As we entered the town of Harrisville, I noticed two men near the roadside conversing together. As soon as I saw the countenance of one of these men, this language ran forcibly through my mind—“Repent before it be too late.” After passing them, I found I should carry a burden with me, if I did not stop and leave a message and warning with them. I therefore requested the Friend who was driving the carriage, to halt. After waiting a few minutes in silence, I requested that those two men might be invited to the carriage. They came and heard respectfully what I had to say. After which I felt relieved and humbled, going on my way with a thankful heart.

On the 26th of Fifth Month, 1868, I left home, accompanied by my cousins Asa Branson and Abigail Sears, to perform a religious visit among those professing with Friends and others, in some parts of a few States west of our own, and also in some parts of Ohio.

Attended Stillwater Quarterly Meeting on the 27th, and on the 28th we took the cars at Barnesville for Indiana, and about six o’clock that evening arrived at my brother Isaiah’s, four miles north of Richmond, in Wayne County. I was very much fatigued with the day’s ride, but a night’s rest recruited me finely.

On the 29th, we went to Earlham College (a high school under the care of Indiana Yearly Meeting), in pursuance of that which I believed my religious duty. I informed the Principal, Barnabas C. Hobbs, that our business there was to request a Meeting for Worship with the students and inmates of that institution. We gave him our certificates, which he read aloud to his wife. They both expressed a willingness that we should have a meeting, but said it was the time of review, examination was coming on and it would be difficult to spare the time, etc. Barnabas said he would consult other officers on the subject as he had no right to grant the request without the consent of others. After consulting with those he selected, he informed us that they had concluded they could spare about one hour for the meeting. I asked him if it was to be understood, that the time was limited to an hour. He replied that that was what he was instructed to say—one hour, or at the furthest, an hour and a quarter. I told him I could not appoint a meeting on such terms. It was not for us to say, just how long a Meeting for Worship should hold. It was the prerogative of the Head of the Church to open the way for a religious meeting to close; such a limitation act was not in accordance with the principles of Friends. His wife owned that it was not right ground to take, regretted we could not be there on meeting-day, etc.

Barnabas said, we have a system for the management of our school—clock-work for all the recitations—and there were many students that were not members, their interest and feelings had to be taken into the account. But the main thing in all their excuses was, I have no doubt, that they had not unity with us in our religious engagement. I told Barnabas that the Lord in his own way and time would sweep away from our midst this compromising spirit which was laying waste the Society, and preserve a remnant, and add to that remnant those who would stand for the principles and testimonies of the Society, as promulgated and upheld by Friends in the beginning. I said considerable to him in the presence of some of the male teachers, who I was willing should hear. I told him, that the time would come when all worldly honor and popularity would burst as a bubble upon the mighty ocean, not affording a ray of comfort or consolation. This was only a small part of what I had to say. I had been acquainted with Barnabas while he was teacher in Ohio Boarding School, and did not then consider him a Friend in principle, and he appeared not to have gained anything in that way since he left our school, though he is an acknowledged minister in Indiana. After a pretty full expression relative to their innovations touching Society matters, we left them with feelings of sadness.

Went to Richmond, to ask for an appointed meeting among those professing the name of Friends in that city. We laid the subject before an elder, who agreed to call a consultation of ministers and elders, and let us know the result of the conference. We received information next day, that they thought it would be a violation of their Discipline to appoint a meeting for us, but they were very free that we should attend their meeting on First-day, and if we had anything for them in the way of the ministry, they desired we might feel all freedom, as they granted this privilege to ministers of other religious denominations. But we declined to accept their invitation.

We next applied for a meeting at Chester, but the same results followed. They wished us to attend their meetings, but we told them we felt no more freedom to go into their meetings, than the meetings of other denominations. We stayed at my brother’s one week; during which I was under great exercise of mind, as much so as I ever remember to have been. I felt that I could do anything for the sake of that peace which the world cannot give. Although thus exercised, I did not feel any condemnation in relation to setting out on this visit, neither as regards my movements since leaving home, but my sorrows were stirred within me on seeing and feeling the sad and benumbed condition of those professing the high and holy profession of Friends. But when my heavenly Father had let me feel this depth of sorrow, and the low and suffering state of the true seed, He opened our way to move forward, and we left Wayne County on the 4th of the Sixth Month, and proceeded to Spiceland, in Henry County, a distance of about fifty miles.

We stopped with Jason Williams, who married my cousin Abigail Holloway. I asked Abigail (her husband having gone to Richmond to attend a Meeting for Sufferings) if she thought the elders and heads of their meeting would be willing to appoint a meeting for us next day, at some suitable hour. She thought they would, and said she would go and see some of them, which she did. Presently two elders came in to see us, and asked what our wishes were. I told them they were perhaps aware that we were from that Body in Ohio which Indiana had designated as Separatists; nevertheless, we believed we were from the legitimate Yearly Meeting of Friends in Ohio; and had come among them in gospel love, desiring a meeting the next day if there was a freedom among them to appoint one. They asked whether we would appoint meetings for one of their ministers? Cousin Asa replied, that he expected we would not. They thought the rule ought to work both ways; we were not willing, they said, to do as we would be done by. Asa replied, the rule ought to work both ways, provided things were equal. They then asked if we considered them unsound. Asa replied, that we had not charged them with unsoundness, but the Yearly Meeting had given support to unsoundness. These elders said we might attend their meetings, and feel a freedom in them, as they admitted ministers from the Methodists, Presbyterians, etc., into their meetings; and asked what we would do if such ministers were to come to our meetings and preach among us. Asa replied, they would be civilly requested not to disturb the meeting. One of these elders said George Fox would not have made such a request—that is, to silence such in our meetings. Asa said, I think he would. Then those men left us, and collecting several more of the heads of the meeting, held a consultation, and concluded to allow an appointed meeting next day, at three o’clock.

The meeting was held, but was quite small, and I apprehend but little notice was given; besides, such was and is the prejudice against our Yearly Meeting that many are afraid to be seen or known as showing us any countenance. A woman belonging to that meeting appeared in supplication, and I and my companions kept our seats the while. I had some encouragement to offer to those present, the language of whose hearts was on this wise: “Oh, that the salvation of Israel were come out of Zion! when the Lord brings back the captivity of his people, Jacob shall rejoice, and Israel shall be glad.” I referred to the faith and faithfulness of Noah and Job, how they were preserved amidst surrounding influences of the most trying nature by keeping hold of that which showed them the right way, not turning to the right hand or left. This exhortation flowed freely towards those who were sorely tried and knew not what to do. Another state was spoken to. I said, those who were trampling upon those principles and testimonies for the maintenance of which our early Friends suffered so much would fare no better than Belshazzar if they repented not; who having made a great feast and while drinking wine out of the golden vessels which had been taken out of the house of the Lord, and carried to Babylon, was suddenly brought to confusion and trembling by seeing the fingers of a man’s handwriting upon the wall of his palace, and neither he nor any of his wise men could read or interpret the writing; yet one was found in his dominions who was made to understand it. Yet it was not until the prophet Daniel had clearly set the sins of this wicked prince before him, that he proceeded to read and interpret the writing. “God has numbered your kingdom and finished it. You are weighed in the balances, and are found lacking.” Thus I had to warn some present of the evil of their ways, and counsel them to turn unto the Lord before it be too late. Lodged that night at our cousin, David Holloway’s. There we had very plain talk with some who came in to spend the evening with us, concerning the inconsistent practices which had gotten in among those professing to be Friends in those parts and elsewhere. Alas, alas! will not the Lord break the fetters in some way with which this people are bound.

Sixth of the month.—David Holloway took us to Duck Creek, six miles from Spiceland, where a meeting had been appointed to be held at three o’clock that afternoon. It was small, yet way opened to relieve my mind among them in a plain close testimony, and also in supplication. Cousin Asa had a short communication with these, and also at Spiceland.

Dined at John Spencer’s. Before leaving his house, I had a few words to speak to him in the way of warning and counsel, to use all diligence to make his calling and election sure, while time and opportunity were afforded. Jabez Henley, a minister belonging to Duck Creek Meeting, took us that afternoon to Cadiz, a distance of five or six miles. There was considerable conversation on the way concerning Society matters. We thought Jabez was a pretty thorough Gurneyite.

Next day being First-day, we were strongly solicited to attend their meeting at Cadiz; saying we might feel all freedom to do so, and exercise ourselves in the ministry if anything was required. This solicitation we declined there, as well as elsewhere, and requested a meeting among them at three o’clock p.m. It was appointed, and well attended, and proved an open and satisfactory meeting. One of the principal elders expressed his full unity with us, desired our encouragement, hoped the Master would be with us.

Went the same evening to see cousin R. Holloway, son of Uncle Robert Holloway. After a religious opportunity with Robert and wife, his brother-in-law and wife, we left them under much exercise of mind. How sorrowful it is when children, who have had the care and counsel of godly parents, turn a deaf ear to the voice of instruction and choose the path that leads down to the chambers of death. May the son yet see and feel the path he is pursuing to be as it really is, the way to destruction, and become as a brand plucked from the burning, is and has been the prayer of my heart for him. I might have left that house with a clear conscience had I relieved my mind fully towards an invalid woman present; but my omission herein paved the way for further delinquency. As we proceeded towards the Friend’s house where we lodged, it came forcibly before me to halt at a house we were about to pass, but feeling very weary, I allowed myself to pass by it before inquiring who lived there. I then found it was the elder who had spoken to us at the meetinghouse, and he and his wife had kindly invited us to call with them. I now saw I ought to have halted and made them a call, feeling something in the way of encouragement and counsel for them. But I proposed to return next morning and do my evening work, and so with respect to another house I passed the same evening; but the Lord’s time is not our time. In the morning no way opened for me to return to those houses, and I had to carry my burden with me. That evening came a young man and his wife to our lodgings. After a chapter had been read this young man went down on his knees and had quite a lengthy communication in the form of a prayer. During his exercise, I felt my mind solemnly impressed with this Scripture passage: “Let every one that names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.” I had to speak very plainly relative to the ministry, how the apostles were called thereto, that it was of necessity they spoke, and their speech and preaching was not of the enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the spirit and of power.

That such should be and must be the call and qualification of gospel ministers in the present day. No man takes this honor unto himself but he that is called of God as was Aaron. The poor young people are exampled and encouraged to set about preaching by the older ones, and by the example one of another, many of them having no call to the work from the right source.

Next morning we had much conversation with this young man in the presence of his wife and brother-in-law’s family, in regard to the principles of Friends, showing him wherein many professing to be Friends were leaving the true ground. He seemed to think we should always be ready to explain and expound the Holy Scriptures. I told him there was but one key to the Scriptures, and that was the spirit by which holy men of old wrote them, and those who went about explaining them in their own will and according to the wisdom of man, would only wrest and pervert their true meaning. On taking leave of this young man, he expressed his satisfaction in being with us and hearing what we had to say; hoped he would improve by it. Left John Bufkin’s that afternoon and went back to Spiceland.

Sixth Month 9th.—We obtained leave to visit the large school at Spiceland, Clarkson Davis, Superintendent. We had a religious opportunity with the scholars and teachers to pretty good satisfaction, but I felt all were not present whom I desired to see; and found afterwards that some of the older scholars were in another apartment. Returned to J. W’s and had a religious opportunity with him and his family. I had to use great plainness of speech, which was hard for me and hard for some of the family to bear; but before we left, his wife said to me and my companion, “I expect there is cause for your remarks and exercise; I expect we have not been as faithful as we ought to have been.” Surrounded as they were and had been with wrong doings, and those who were going too fast, leaving the principles and testimonies, she thought it was likely they had not stood their ground as faithfully as they ought. She further said, “When our son lay on his deathbed, he had several Friends called in—heads of our meeting—and gave them much counsel and advice, warning them against the fast doings and wrong doings which are among us.” This she told us (or words to this import as near as I can remember) in an honest and respectful manner. And I could but believe that if her husband would but let the witness for Truth speak out plainly in the temple of his heart, that he could not say he saw no cause for my close dealings with him. The same day we hired a conveyance to take us to Walter Edgerton’s, brother of Joseph Edgerton. He had an invalid daughter, with whom I became quite interested, believing she was a pious young woman, but appeared to be fast declining. While there I felt a concern to see his son and family, who lived near by, but found he was working some distance from home; and it being a busy time with the farmers, I had well nigh reasoned away my concern and made work for repentance, but having felt the burden of putting by duties to be great, I requested the man invited to give us his company, which he did, and had a religious opportunity with him and his wife, somewhat to the relief of my mind. The husband expressed his thankfulness for the visit.

We left Spiceland for Kaysville; stopped with Samuel Pritchard, an elder. In the evening, after a chapter had been read in the Bible, I had unexpectedly to myself something to communicate in the way of encouragement to faithfulness, no matter what surrounding influences we might have to contend with, citing them to Job and Noah as examples. After this little opportunity, Samuel showed more openness and kindness towards us. The same evening, I laid a concern before them that rested with me to appoint a meeting in that neighborhood.

The next day, being their meeting-day in course, they desired we would attend, but for reasons already spoken of, we could not comply. We made them acquainted with our objections as well as we could, but could not satisfy them of the propriety of our refusal. Samuel’s wife said, by refusing to attend our meeting and requesting one appointed, you are throwing yourselves into the hands of those who do not know their right hand from their left. She thought the heads of the meeting would not allow it. But after consulting with other members, it was concluded we might have a meeting at two o’clock that afternoon. It was held, but very small, nearly all being afraid to give us their company, fearing the rulers, and that they would lose their good name. The meeting was silent, except a few words at the close, which were these—“When the Lord shuts none should attempt to open, and when He opens, none should attempt to shut.” It was a very suffering season, as much so as I remember to have passed through in a religious meeting.

Samuel Pritchard took us that evening to Carthage, five or six miles from Raysville. We had considerable conversation on the road relative to the state of Society in that Yearly Meeting and elsewhere, which I hope will be some advantage to Samuel.

At Carthage we put up at Henry Henley’s, an elder. We proposed to Henry and his wife, the appointment of a meeting on the afternoon of the next day. It being their meeting day in course, they urged us to attend; but we felt constrained to bear a faithful testimony against the doings of Indiana Yearly Meeting and its subordinate branches, in uniting with and owning the Binns’ Yearly Meeting of Ohio, and also to bear a faithful testimony against the unsound doctrines and practices which are sweeping Quakerism from their midst.

Henry laid our request before other members of their meeting, and after the consultation, we were informed that there was not a freedom on the part of those consulted, to grant the request. I asked Henry (in the presence of some others) what objections they had to our having a meeting. He replied, that one objection was that they understood that I was opposed to the doctrines of Joseph John Gurney, and that their Yearly Meeting (Indiana) had officially acknowledged all his doctrines to be sound, etc. William Johnson, a member present, said that my objections to Joseph John Gurney’s writings was not the only reason they objected to our having a meeting. Henry replied, it was the first objection brought forward. Henry then informed us that Indiana had, through a document introduced into the Meeting for Sufferings by Elijah Coffin, and approved and sanctioned by that meeting, and forwarded to the Yearly Meeting, and fully approved and endorsed by the latter, owned and acknowledged all the writings of Joseph John Gurney to be sound and scriptural. I told them that those unsound writings of Joseph John Gurney were doing just what Thomas Shillitoe, on his deathbed, said they would do, were they not suppressed. They have spread a mixed garment of wool and linen over the Society, and the Society was gradually going down, as that devoted servant of the Lord said it would, if they were circulated, and allowed to pass uncondemned by Friends.

I further said, they are sweeping Quakerism from your midst. Wilson Hobbs, a doctor in the village, coming in, and being as I apprehended from his conversation one of the fast ones, we had much conversation with him and others present in a very plain way. It seemed laid upon myself and the Friends with me, to speak out boldly for the Truth, without the fear of man. One present (I think William Johnson) remarked: We let Methodists, Presbyterians, Universalists, etc., attend our meetings, and preach among us. I said, what can you expect from the young people? Friends have a testimony against a hireling ministry, war, formal preaching and praying, etc. You admit ministers of other denominations among you who have no testimony against these anti-Christian practices; they captivate your young people by their eloquence and oratory, and many are drawn away from the testimonies and principles of Friends; while at the same time you are holding out the view that the principles of Friends are spreading.

Although not many meetings could be obtained among them, yet I thought our work was going on by talking with and plainly setting forth to those in the foremost ranks, the anti-Quaker sentiments and practices prevalent among them. In looking towards appointing meetings with those not professing with Friends in Indiana, this language would immediately spring up—“Do not go into any city of the Samaritans. But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.”

Henry Henley and William Johnson took us to Walnut Ridge, and we put up at Thomas Hill’s. There again we requested a meeting, but it could not be obtained. Thomas Hill confirmed the statement of Henry Henley concerning the official acknowledgment by Indiana Yearly Meeting, of the doctrines and writings of Joseph John Gurney. Thomas and wife appeared to be much distressed on account of the sad state of things in this meeting, but seemed to see no way to help it.

On the 12th, we took the cars for Indianapolis, and arrived at Asa Hunt’s on the evening of the same day. We found Asa from home, but proposed to his wife the appointment of a meeting next day at ten o’clock. She said she would see one of her neighbors, and know what he thought of it. Her neighbor, William Hadley came in, and said he could not speak for others, but as for himself he should not favor the appointment. He said there was to be a meeting next day at Plainfield, of the Quarterly Meeting’s committee having charge of Sabbath schools, and most of their members would be leaving town on the morning train.

I felt like seeing some others of their head members, and learning that Enos Prey lived in town, William Hadley went with cousin Asa to his house. Pretty soon, Enos (who is a minister) and a woman preacher by the name of Trueblood, came to our lodgings. The way opened for conversation with Enos Prey, which tended to the relief of my feelings. Enos said he had read considerable of the writings of Joseph John Gurney, and was also familiar with the doctrinal views of Fox and Barclay, and he could unite with all; he saw no discordance in their doctrinal views. I told him that was strange; I thought there was a great difference. He desired me to cite him to something in particular. I cited him to this text—“We have also a more sure word of prophecy, etc.,” saying, Joseph John Gurney calls this more sure word the Scriptures; you know this is not the doctrine of Fox and Barclay.

He said there was a difference of opinion among people concerning the meaning of that text. I told him there was no difference of opinion among those who were Friends in principle. He then requested me to mention something else, wherein this author differed from Fox and Barclay. I cited him to this declaration of Gurney—“It is only through the religion of the Bible, that we can obtain an adequate notion of sin.” Enos then adverted to the benighted state of the heathen, before they became acquainted with the Scriptures. I replied, do you not believe in the universality and efficacy of Divine Grace?

He seemed to see where it would lead him to defend fully this author’s views, and waived the subject, saying, Ann, I would caution you not to speak against the writings of Joseph John Gurney; it will close up your way among us. I let him know that if I felt myself called upon to allude to or speak against those unsound and anti-Quaker doctrines, I should not withhold through the fear of man. I asked Enos if he thought ministers of the gospel were at liberty to cut and carve for themselves, to preach what they choose. I said, the Lord’s prophets of old did not do so to please the people. After much plain talk with Enos we parted; he said he should have no objection to our having a meeting if it were a suitable time. The woman minister present kept silent.

In the evening, Asa Hunt came home, and with him also, we had very plain talk concerning the unsound doctrines and anti-Quaker practices which were destroying the Society.

Asa thought, by admitting ministers of other denominations into their meetings, and giving them liberty to preach, the doctrines and testimonies of Friends were advanced. It was astonishing to hear the sentiments of old men and heads of meetings, on this and other subjects relative to the welfare of our Society; and I said in my heart, great indeed is the mystery of iniquity, as well as of godliness. For it seemed that the very things which were destroying the Society and laying it waste, were looked upon by many as calculated to build it up. Alas! how my heart was pained within me on account of these things; and I found it necessary for myself and companions, to keep closely on the watch tower, not fearing with the fear of man, lest we should be confounded before them and desert the field of battle before a clear acquittal was given us by the Captain of salvation.

On Seventh-day morning the 13th, we left Indianapolis for Plainfield, in Hendricks Co., the place of holding the Western Yearly Meeting. We arrived there the same day, and put up at my uncle Asa Holloway’s, where we were very kindly and hospitably entertained. Finding that Jane Plummer resided in the village, and believing it would be best to pay her a visit, her sister Hannah Wright being then with her, we accordingly did so. Jane Plummer was for several years Clerk of Ohio Yearly Meeting of women Friends, previous to the separation of 1854; but when the separation occurred, Jane went with the Gurneyites, having given her strength and influence to that party for several years, and acted for them on all occasions, greatly to the burden and grief of sound Friends. I felt no personal grudge, or enmity in my heart towards Jane Plummer, neither had I anything whatsoever premeditated relative to this visit. However, during our stay, mention was made in some way of the Hicksites, and their doctrine, and I told Jane that when I was in Wilmington, in the limits of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, we were visited by a Hicksite preacher, to whom I said that Hicksism on the one hand, and Gurneyism on the other, were neither of them Quakerism, but entirely the opposite, and would lead away from the principles and testimonies of Friends. Jane appeared to be disconcerted at my reference to Gurneyism, and asserted that Joseph John Gurney’s writings had done a great deal of good in the world. I told her that Benjamin W. Ladd said in the Meeting for Sufferings that he considered the writings of this author very unsound, he had kept some of them locked up in his desk as unfit for his family to read. Jane remarked that the only objectionable publication put out by Joseph John Gurney was the first edition of his peculiarities; that contained a few sentiments that were somewhat objectionable, but the author was then young, and after that work was revised, and republished, it was considered sound and unobjectionable. The first edition of Gurney’s Peculiarities, as I understand it, was the least objectionable of all his numerous publications, and when it was revised and enlarged, and the name of the book changed to Distinguishing Views, it contains more that is not in accord with Friends’ views. I told Jane, Thomas Shillitoe’s views of Joseph John Gurney’s writings were correct,—they had spread a mixed garment of wool and linen over the Society, and it was going down in consequence of their adoption in various places. Cousin Asa referred Jane to the “Appeal for the Ancient Doctrines.” She replied that the extracts in that, from Joseph John’s writings were garbled. Cousin Asa asked her if she thought Enoch Lewis (who was a prominent member of the Meeting for Sufferings, and an advocate for Joseph John) would allow garbled extracts to go out before the world? She still persisted that they were garbled. After this visit to Jane Plummer, I requested that the elders and others concerned might be consulted in reference to a meeting on First-day afternoon, for the inhabitants of Plainfield and neighborhood. There were several collected, elders and ministers, and I and my companions being requested to join them, we did so. Jane Plummer being an elder, was the first to object to a meeting being appointed, others followed her example, and the question was soon decided in the negative. They then proposed we should attend their meeting on First-day morning; were very willing to hear anything we might have for them; but on that subject we were settled. Cousin Asa told them there was principle involved, and we could not attend their meetings. Next morning, one of their ministers came to our lodgings. He said he was come to give us a kind and hearty invitation to attend their meeting that morning. The invitation appeared to be on behalf of those who had been consulted the evening before. But we were not to be taken in their trap, and so declined.

On Second-day, the 15th, we left Plainfield for Chicago, where we arrived next morning about six o’clock, and went to my nephew William Sharp’s. Stayed there until the 17th, and then took the cars for Cedar Co., Iowa, and next day reached our kind friends and relatives, John and Miriam Thomas, at Hickory Grove, where a large settlement of Friends reside, members of Ohio Yearly Meeting. We attended their meeting on First-day, the 21st, which was quite large. I felt my mind impressed with the belief that there were some present in great danger of being drawn away from the Truth as it is in Jesus, by listening to the insinuations and reasonings of those who profess to believe that the Almighty is too kind and gracious towards his creature man, to condemn any to everlasting punishment after death, no matter what their sins may have been, or how impenitent they may continue to the very last. I had to warn the people against this sin-pleasing doctrine, as being one of the subtle baits of the grand adversary of man’s peace and happiness here and hereafter. I dwelt somewhat upon the subject, and afterwards felt peaceful and easy. A young woman after this meeting, acknowledged that her strongholds were broken up. She had been pleading in defense of this universalism doctrine, but now she saw her error, and appeared very much contrited. May it last, has been my desire for her. At this meeting, a woman sitting in the second gallery appeared in the ministry. While she was speaking, although I could not hear a word she said, I felt my mind impressed with the belief that she had come from the Gurney meeting, I was looking for someone to request her not to disturb the meeting, but it was not done. I asked a Friend who this woman was, and where from. She said that she had been going to the Gurney Meeting for eleven years, but had become dissatisfied and recently attended Friend’s meetings, and nearly always spoke when she came. I felt much distressed, and could not get rid of the uneasiness which her appearance produced on my mind, but I kept my thoughts closely to myself.

We stayed until after their Monthly Meeting, which was held on the 24th. Previously I was impressed with a belief that this woman, at the Monthly Meeting, would appear in supplication, and great were my exercises that I might be kept from hurting the precious Truth, and it was made plain to me by my heavenly Father, that I must keep my seat when she thus appeared. And to meeting I went under great exercise, knowing the woman had gained the sympathies of many in the meeting, and had been promoted to a high seat contrary to gospel order, she not being known as a member among Friends. I mentioned my thoughts to no one, but at the Monthly Meeting, when she knelt in supplication, I and my companions kept our seats, and one other Friend in the gallery followed our example. After meeting, several Friends came to our lodgings, to whom I expressed my concern relative to this woman, whom they had recognized by their actions as a minister in unity with them. We laid the subject fairly before them, showing what the Discipline says in regard to those coming among us, appearing as members without producing certificates, for this individual had neither produced a certificate, nor been in any way received into membership among them. I saw there was a restless spirit in the woman, and that she had to a considerable extent, deceived many Friends of that meeting, as well as some elsewhere, so that they had promoted her contrary to Discipline and true gospel order.

Left Cedar County on the 25th, accompanied by John Thomas, who took us to Coal Creek, in Keokuk Co., a distance of seventy miles, where there is a large Monthly Meeting belonging to Ohio Yearly Meeting. At Iowa City we dined at John Lee’s; his wife was a cousin of mine and a daughter of Isaac and Sarah Branson. Her mother was a precious Friend, and died before her children were fully grown. She was much concerned that they might be brought up right and be consistent Friends. This eldest daughter has left Friends and joined the Methodists. I had a religious opportunity with her and son and father, but my feelings were painful and sad, to see such who had had so many favors conferred upon them in the way of admonition and advice by a beloved parent, leaving the footsteps of the flock, and going into outward forms and ceremonies which can never make the comers thereunto perfect. The evening of this day we reached Joseph Holloway’s, son of my uncle Robert Holloway. Had an appointed meeting next day in this neighborhood. It being harvest time, the meeting was not large, but we were favored to relieve our minds to the strangers present, and I felt thankful that I gave up to the requisition. The weather being very warm and the road dusty, I was well nigh spent, and unable to travel that afternoon; having been so smothered and filled with dust the day before that I felt like being really sick, but next day we ventured onward and were favored to reach Coal Creek on the evening of the 27th, and stopped with our relatives John and Lydia Hoge, where we were very kindly received and entertained.

On First-day, the 28th of Sixth Month, attended Coal Creek Meeting, which was very large. After meeting, dined with Lemuel and Mary Brackin, also spent some time with Richard Brackin and family, and several of their relatives, and had a religious opportunity with them. The same afternoon, visited Amy Clendenon, who was suffering with a cancer, and had a religious opportunity with her and the family. My mind was greatly exercised on behalf of the children present, that they might be in earnest above all things, to make their calling and election sure, and I felt such a weight of concern for them, that it was hard for me to leave them or to get relief. Since that visit, a married daughter then present, and in good health at that time, has changed this state of existence for a never-ending eternity. On her deathbed she remarked that she had been too much unconcerned about her latter end (or words to this import) and now her body was so racked with pain, that she had scarcely a moment for reflection or any time to prepare for death, desiring others to take warning by her. Oh, the necessity for every moment to be rightly spent; may my spirit deeply ponder the worth of time—precious time of more value than gold, or all earthly grandeur, riches or honor—precious time, how it is murdered by the sons and daughters of men.

On the 29th and 30th we visited several families in this neighborhood, and had religious opportunities in them all.

Seventh Month 1st.—Attended Coal Creek Preparative Meeting, and had considerable to communicate therein. On the 2nd, we started for Warren County, but a sudden swell of the waters occasioned by a heavy rain the night previous, had carried away the bridge across a creek we had to cross, so we could not proceed. Returned and called at Abraham Bonsalfs. After dinner requested a religious opportunity with the family; but the son would not give us his company. When we were about to leave, I addressed a few words to him. He said he had nothing against us, but Friends had disowned him for going to the war, which he believed to be his duty, and thus he had taken offense. Poor young man, my heart yearned for him, and towards him, for he seemed to be in the gall of bitterness, if not in the bond of iniquity. Went to the creek again, trying another road, but could not cross. Returned and called at T. P’s, and stayed till after tea; had a religious opportunity with the parents and daughter, the only child at home. In this sitting I was singularly led to encourage to a faithful confession one to another of our misses, whenever, and wherever the Truth required, keeping nothing back, nor counting nothing too hard to do, or to bear for the sake of true peace of mind. It was hard for me to get relief, having to recount some of my own experiences in regard to acknowledging my faults, which had brought true peace, when nothing short thereof could afford relief. When we were about to leave, the father of this family said that this had been to him a very acceptable visit, and desired we would call again if way opened for it. This was an unexpected word of encouragement to me, not knowing why I was thus led. The same evening called at Evan Smith’s, whose son was sick; they had a small house and a family of ten children all at home. After a religious opportunity, returned to John Hoge’s.

In all the families we visited in this neighborhood, I felt the necessity laid upon me to request a religious opportunity before leaving them, and felt peace in so doing.

On the 3rd we again started for Warren County. The following circumstance occurred on this day. A young man being desirous to cross a river near the town in which he had been working, in order to spend the 4th of this month as is the manner of very many in our country, in a vain and irreligious way, resolved at the hazard of his life to venture across. He was warned by a man returning from the river, that it was not safe to venture. The young man replied, he was bound to cross if he had to swim. And leaving his buggy and one horse by the river side, and mounting the other, he ventured in, and next day his body was found in the river. The horse he attempted to cross the river on, was found on the opposite side from the one left with the buggy, the life of the poor animal was saved, while that of his presumptuous rider was permitted to go. Poor young man, resolved to have, and permitted to take his own course, where did it land him? Oh, that the young and rising generation would take warning, while life, health and opportunity are given, to make their calling and election sure.

On the evening of the 4th we arrived at the house of my relative, Elisha Smith, a distance of sixty-five or seventy miles from Coal Creek.

Next day being First-day, we proposed the appointment of a meeting at three o’clock in the afternoon for those professing with Friends, and others in the neighborhood (Three Rivers.) The meeting was held, though very irregular in gathering in consequence of some being dipped in the river near by. When that was over, many came to our meeting, more than the house could hold; and finally settled down into more quietude and stillness than appeared for a time would be the case; and opportunity was afforded to relieve my mind among them in a good degree.

Next day had an appointed meeting at Hartford, a little village three miles from Three Rivers. It was held in the evening, although not large, was to the relief of my mind. After meeting, we were kindly invited by a Presbyterian and his wife to lodge with them. We went to their house, but a woman followed us, earnestly desiring that part of our company at least would lodge with her; which I and my companion, Abigail Sears, concluded to do. Before leaving, I asked the man (the Presbyterian), if he thought it was contrary to Scripture for a woman to preach. He replied, “No; I know some people do, but I have considered this passage of Scripture: ‘Male and female all one in Christ;’ and I do not consider it contrary to Scripture for a woman to preach.” He was a sober, serious countenanced man, and I had some interesting conversation with him and his wife before leaving. Where Abigail and I lodged, we found them very kind, and glad of our company. Next morning we started on our way back to Coal Creek, and got to Job Briggs’, near Oskaloosa, about sundown.

Next morning, the 8th of the month, I queried with Job and his wife if there would be a willingness on their part that we should have an appointed meeting that afternoon in their neighborhood. He very quickly replied in the negative. I asked him if he would be willing to consult some of his neighbors. He said he would, and went to his neighbor, Clark Terrell, but soon returned with the same decision as he first gave. I was not at all disappointed at their refusal, being well acquainted with their sentiments and doings in Society matters when they lived in Ohio, and knew them both to be Gurneyites.

We then left Oskaloosa and returned to Coal Creek. Great is and has been the mercy and kindness of our Heavenly Father in preserving us through, and in extremities both outwardly and inwardly; I believe it was the warmest weather that I remember ever to have experienced; and yet we and our horses sustained no injury in travelling, though the thermometer was generally over a hundred for days together.

On the 11th attended Coal Creek Monthly Meeting of Friends, and on the 12th, being First-day, had an appointed meeting in the afternoon for the young people. It was large and afforded some relief to my exercised mind, my cousin also having service therein.

We had religious opportunities in several families before leaving the neighborhood, to the relief of my mind in a good degree. There are many young and middle aged Friends belonging to our Yearly Meeting settled in this section of country. Oh, how my spirit yearns for their eternal welfare, that they may grow in grace and in the knowledge of the Truth as it is in Jesus.

On the 14th, in company with our friend, Nathan Warrington, who was our pilot and coachman, we set out for Springville, in Linn County. The first day we rode about forty miles, and got to the house of Thomas and Mary Emmons, in Benton County, where a few families of Friends are settled.

On the next evening we had an appointed meeting, held at a school house not far from Thomas Emmons’. It being harvest time, and the people appearing to be more concerned about getting their luxuriant crops harvested than attending meetings, but few gave us their company. However, there were several young people and children present, and a few older ones, to whom the word of exhortation and counsel was extended in the love of the gospel. On the evening of this day, some friends coming in, we had a religious opportunity with them and the family where we put up, which was relieving to my feelings in some measure.

Next morning, the 16th, we again set out for Linn County, and arrived at Lindley Hoyle’s, at Springville, a little after night. His wife, with whom we were previously acquainted, appeared very glad to see us. She is a well-concerned young woman, and if attentive to the Savior’s voice, will be helpful to her husband and those she associates with, in the best things. We paid a few visits on the 17th, and on the 18th attended Springville Monthly Meeting, held at Hopewell. After meeting went to see William Hampton, who with his family, and one other family, meet together separate from Friends, holding what they called a Friends’ Meeting. We endeavored to set before William the inconsistency of his course, but he had evidently got into his strong holds, and nothing we could say would induce him to relinquish the ground. However, we felt satisfied in having cleared ourselves to him, and of him. Lodged that night at Aquila Crew’s, and had an interesting visit with their large family.

Next morning went to see James Doudna and family. They are one of the two which make up the separate meeting. James being from home, we had no opportunity with the family.

Attended Hopewell Meeting, and was silent therein. In the afternoon, attended a meeting at Springville, appointed at my request for the young and youngish people in the neighborhoods of Springville and Hopewell. The meeting was very large, and I trust to some degree of edification. My cousin Asa, as well as myself, had considerable service therein.

On Second-day, the 20th, accompanied by William Bedell and wife, we made a visit to Caleb Gregg and wife. Caleb was one who several years ago assisted in setting up a meeting in Iowa, which was not in the ordering of best wisdom, and a blast and mildew attended. Caleb is now a Member of no meeting, and although he attends Friends’ meeting at Springville and wishes to be a member thereof, yet he is not willing to condemn to the satisfaction of Friends, his previous course of conduct, hence Friends are not free to receive him. I and my cousin Asa had much plain talk with him in the presence of his wife, and before the Friends who accompanied us, and also in the presence of two other Friends. I told Caleb I did not see how he could feel satisfied without publicly condemning the course he had pursued in the setting up of that meeting, as he acknowledged their planning and contriving the matter out of doors was wrong. So, if the first step was wrong, that which followed must have been wrong also. I thought he appeared too self-whole to be in a suitable disposition to see or condemn his errors. We left them under feelings of painful solicitude for their recovery from that which stands in their way of obtaining true peace of mind, and becoming united to their friends in the bond of gospel fellowship.

While there, I saw a young woman passing about, who I thought might be their daughter; and when we were about to leave, I went into the dining room to bid her farewell, and found her and a young man sitting at the supper table. I enquired if they were Caleb’s children, and found they were. I felt my mind drawn to address them in the love of the gospel in the presence of their mother, and felt true peace in doing so; but felt that the young man was on dangerous ground. Their father came in before I closed my communication, and I think the parents were not dissatisfied with what I said. Oh, how my heart yearns for the children, and my prayer was and is, that the Lord may have mercy on them.

Lodged at Joseph Embree’s, and started next morning early to Cedar County, and got to our cousin John Thomas’ the evening of the same day, about forty miles from Springville.

23rd.—Attended Hickory Grove Monthly Meeting, and in pursuance of a concern which had attended my mind since being at that Monthly Meeting before, of visiting the families thereof as way might open, also some families not members. I laid the subject before the meeting, and had its full concurrence. Great were my exercises during this family visit, but I felt that we must not desert the field until the word of release was sounded by the Captain of salvation.

It was harvest time, their crops very abundant, and help scarce; so, that going from house to house, and calling the men from their harvest-fields to sit down with us to wait upon the Lord, appeared to some, no doubt, as a strange thing, and hardly warrantable in the Truth; but such was the pressure upon my spirit that I dare not omit to do so. Generally there appeared a willingness to receive the visit. At one house where we called, the woman being a member, and her husband not, the Friend with us asked if we would have a choice in having the husband called; I replied that I would. The Friend went where the man was working, and invited him; after awhile he came, and as soon as I saw him I thought to myself, you have a hard countenance, though I had never seen the man before, neither did I then know that I had ever heard of him. When we sat down together, the subject of preparing for our latter end while we had time and opportunity afforded was brought before me, and the necessity of using all diligence to make our calling and election sure, which I expressed, and also said that some people did not believe in a place of punishment hereafter for the wicked and guilty soul, that there were some who called themselves Universalists, of this class I did not know, I added, that anyone present was of this belief. He replied, “I am one,” and he several times proposed leaving; but his wife telling him I could not hear anything he said, prevailed upon him to keep his seat. Oh, what a dark man; the darkness was to be felt, as well as seen in his countenance. When I bid him farewell he said to me, Ann, you are ignorant, you lack information. I told him that I desired for myself, and for him, that we might attend to the teachings of the holy Spirit to enlighten our hearts, etc. He replied, that was his guide, or words similar. Poor man! my heart did ache for him, and I felt the spirit of supplication given me on his behalf, and had vocally to utter a prayer for him.

The same evening, paid a religious visit to my cousin William Branson and family, and called to see another cousin who was ill; both opportunities to the relief of my mind. This closed the family visit in that Monthly Meeting, and I felt at liberty to look towards home; and we made some arrangements for starting. But the Lord saw fit to disappoint us, and suddenly prostrated me by a severe illness, which for a time appeared like taking my life. But He who had often brought me low and raised me up, saw fit to relieve my extreme suffering, and in two weeks I was able to ride out.

Hickory Grove Quarterly Meeting being near at hand, I felt that I must not look towards returning home before it occurred. We waited until after another Monthly Meeting at Hickory Grove, in which I had singular service; then started for Linn County, where the Quarterly Meeting was held. I stood the ride pretty well, though quite weak in body.

On the 21st of the Eighth Month, attended the Select Preparative and Select Quarterly Meetings, both held the same day; and had some service, but weakness is prevalent.

On the 22nd, the Quarterly Meeting was held; it was a very large gathering, being the first Quarterly Meeting held there. Many not members at the first meeting.

Next day being First-day, the meeting at Springville was very large, and I felt that I must open my mouth in warning and counsel to the people, which I did to the relief of my mind. While at Springville we put up at the house of our friend Parker Askew, who with his wife and children, were very kind to us. Parker is now about eighty years old; he moved to Iowa three years ago; appears very cheerful, innocent and happy, as does also his wife.

We left Springville on the evening of the 24th, and took the cars for Ohio; had a dangerous passage across Rock River in a boat; the bridge having been burnt; but were favored to cross without accident; several hundred passengers and all their baggage to be taken across in small skiffs and boats.

Reached Chicago on the evening of the 25th, very much fatigued. Stopped with my nephew William Henry Sharp, and was not able to be out of bed much for two or three days. Feeling a concern to appoint a meeting in Chicago for those professing the name of Friends, and others who might incline to attend, I proposed the same to my companions, and to my nephew and niece. Those appointed to the station of elders in the city were consulted, or some of them, but gave no countenance to it. I knew the chief speaker in Ohio, and did not expect his consent would be obtained, he being of the New School, and a bankrupt in his temporal business.

Left Chicago on the 31st, and took the cars for home. Great had been the exercises of my mind while we tarried in that city, for the wickedness of the inhabitants appeared to me to be very great, but no way opened for my relief. When we arrived at Columbus, and before getting there, it had rested upon my mind to visit an inmate of the Lunatic Asylum, a relative of mine, who had been conveyed there since we left home, but I suffered discouragement, and reasoning with flesh and blood to prevail, and did not attend to my duty, which brought trouble upon me. The dear, desponding one lived but a short time afterwards, and I had keenly to feel my miss: I wanted to tell this woman that the Lord had not forsaken her, but that mercy was still round about her, which I hope she realized in her last moments. Oh, how sorrowful that any should despair to whom the offers of mercy are still held out. Oh, my soul, trust in the Lord your God, who has done marvelous things for you, and despair not when clouds and darkness intervene, and rest upon you; even thick darkness.

We arrived home on the 2nd of Ninth Month, and found my dear brother Jacob Branson, very ill of dysentery, and very anxious to see us. He lived until the 13th, and then gave up the ghost. Oh, the struggles of nature in that hour of death: but we believe a preparation was experienced for the solemn change; some account has been preserved of his illness and death.

I think it right here to say, that while we were at my brother Isaiah’s, a great concern came upon me on account of the inhabitants of Richmond. My exercises seemed almost unsupportable, and for a time it appeared that I might have to go through the streets of the city and warn them to humble themselves before the “Great I Am,” the fear and dread of nations; and on the morning we left for the west, as we came to the city to take the cars, it seemed as if I could scarcely leave the carriage without requesting the driver and my companions to take me to Main Street and let me have the opportunity to deliver what was on my mind; but I forbore. Oh Lord, forgive, I entreat you, if in this thing I have offended; for it was not willful, but through fear that the call was not strong and powerful enough. Oh, for more childlike obedience to the will of my heavenly Father.

Chapter X

- Death of Her Cousin, William Wright; and Further Remarks on the Last Days of Her Brother Jacob

- Appointment of Meetings from Among Friends

- Home Exercises, and Labors in that Vicinity

- A Visit to Springfield Quarter on a Yearly Meeting Appointment

- Further Exercises, and Labor about Home

- A Testimony Against Attending at Fairs

- Religious Service at Concord

- Death of Joseph Hobson, and Remarks Thereon

- Death of Joseph Wilson, and Her Feelings Concerning Him

After the death of my brother, I had a turn of dysentery, so as to preclude the prospect of attending our approaching Yearly Meeting, held in the Tenth Month; but when the time came for starting, through a grain of faith and the encouragement of my cousin, E. Wilson, I set out for Mount Pleasant. But several times while riding along I felt so weak and faint that it appeared almost impossible for me to reach my lodgings, and after getting there, and a return of the disorder, and the lack of faith, made me think I had been presumptuous in leaving home in my weak, debilitated condition, and the probability seemed that I should be prevented from attending Yearly Meeting, and perhaps end my days where I was. But after the Physician of value had tried and proved me as to a hair’s breadth, He quieted both mind and body, and strengthened me to attend all the sittings of the Yearly Meeting, and comforted my spirit therein, so that I could say as I have often said from some sense of the healing power of his holy hand who created me, nothing is too hard for the Almighty.

In the Eleventh Month, accompanied by my cousins, Asa Branson and Abigail Sears, I attended Salem and Springfield Quarterly Meetings, and returned in time to attend our own, which occurred in the same month.

Twelfth Month 17th.—Today heard of the death of my cousin, William Wright, aged nearly eighty years. He had been quite ill for some days, but appeared to be mending, and thought he should soon be well enough to need but little attention; but while sitting in his chair, his attendant perceived a change, and he passed away in a few minutes.

On hearing of cousin’s death—his disease being an affection of the heart—I am solemnly reminded that I too who labor under the same disease, may pass away suddenly. Oh, I do earnestly crave that the Lord’s hand may be so turned upon me, that nothing may stand in my way of acceptance when the solemn summons shall come. You know O Lord! that the earnest breathings of my spirit, day and night are, that this may be my happy experience; be pleased, I earnestly pray you, not to let your hand spare me, nor your eye pity me, until I am fitted for your kingdom. Oh, Lord! look down with an eye of compassionate regard upon my brother’s family, whom you have lately stripped of their father, and turn the hearts of the sons and daughters to you, and enable the mother to see and feel more and more the necessity of taking the children and sitting down with them daily in solemn silent introversion of soul, waiting upon you for counsel, for strength and help to pursue the right path, the path that leads to true peace. It is now a little more than three months since the death of my dear brother, whose decease at that time was a very unexpected event in our neighborhood, but we have the consolation in believing that his affliction was sanctified to him, that he has been permitted through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus to join the church triumphant in heaven. Oh, gracious Father! you have dealt marvelously with me; you have been more gracious towards my soul than I can possibly set forth; I will therefore magnify your name; I will call others to come taste and see that you are good, as you command and give me ability. You have I fully believe, answered the fervent petition of my heart and soul, and the fervent petition of my dear departed brother Jacob, that he might find acceptance and remission of sins through Jesus Christ our Lord. Yes you did give me such a joyful feeling the evening after he was taken away, and did, I believe, put this language in my heart as an evidence of his acceptance, namely “Joy unspeakable and full of glory.” And you did give me to feel my spirit united to his in a song of praise to you O Holy One. You did often put a prayer in my heart on behalf of this my beloved brother when he was in health, by day and by night. You did enable me to raise a cry unto you for the preservation and sanctification of this brother, as well as for the rest of my brothers who are still living. And now Oh gracious Father, deal with the rest of my father’s family as you have with those taken hence, and leave us not; set judgment to the line, and righteousness to the plumb line in the temple of our hearts, and bring all things into a conformity with your holy will. Amen.

19th.—Attended the funeral of my cousin, Wm. Wright. It was a large gathering, and I was called upon by my Heavenly Father to warn the people assembled at the house of the deceased to set their spiritual accounts in order to meet the summons of death. It was under much bodily weakness that I spoke, yet I was strengthened to relieve my mind. Joseph Hobson spoke a few words at the grave, which appeared to have a solemnizing effect upon the people.

24th.—Attended our Monthly Meeting, held at Guernsey. The weather being very cold, my health seemed hardly sufficient for a ride often miles over rough roads, but knowing the Lord could strengthen me, and enable me to perform all that He required at my hands, I set out and got to the meeting pretty well. After Monthly Meeting, I thought it right to remain at Guernsey, having a prospect of appointing a meeting or two a few miles from that place among those not in membership with Friends. The weather becoming increasingly cold, and my health poor, everything as to the outward appeared very discouraging, and had it not been for that grain of living faith which removes mountains, I should have given up the prospect. But about noon on the 25th, I queried with my cousin Joseph Wilson, at whose house I then was, if it was too cold for him to turn out and appoint two meetings, one on the 26th and the other on the 27th. I saw his faith was at a low ebb, as he afterwards confessed it was, but he made no objection, and turned out in the cold, and a stranger pretty much to the inhabitants of both towns where the meetings were to be appointed. After he started, the enemy was permitted to buffet me sorely for a little time; but the Lord, who knew that the desire of my heart was to serve Him only and alone in this matter, lifted up a standard against him, and spoke peace to my mind, and bade me trust in Him. He promised to still the piercing winds, and moderate the weather, and to strengthen me in body and mind, to perform the service, which promise He verified. Next morning the weather was much milder, and in the afternoon we went to Sewelsville, a distance of five miles, and attended the meeting to good satisfaction.

On the 27th we went to Hendrysburgh, a distance of nine miles, and attended the appointed meeting in that town, which was large and satisfactory. Many spoke to us after meeting in a very affectionate manner, showing that their hearts had been reached, and that they were thankful for the opportunity. As for myself, my mind was kept low, and humbly confiding in Him who had so graciously cared for and favored a poor worm, to preach the unsearchable riches of Christ Jesus to the people, and enabling me out of weakness to become strong, so that I can say He does all things well.

Fourth Month 30th, 1869.—The exercises of my mind have of late been so great, that I have feared I should not be enabled to endure them. Sleep has departed from my eyes. Tears have been my meat day and night. The weakness and wickedness prevalent in the land, and my own weakness and shortcomings staring me in the face, are almost overwhelming to my soul. In a national capacity we have been scourged and afflicted, but we are not humbled. Pride and wickedness appear more prevalent than before the late bloody war, and that this should be the case, who can marvel, since war, to use the words of Robert Hall, “is a temporary repeal of every Christian virtue.” Yet, when we reflect that thousands and tens of thousands of our countrymen, have in the late struggle been sacrificed on the field of slaughter, and other ways, contrary to the benign religion of Jesus, which teaches us to love our enemies, to do good to them that hate us, etc., and reflecting upon the destitute condition of widows and orphans, now suffering poverty in consequence of this awful scourge, would it not seem reasonable to suppose, in view of these things, that more humility would be apparent than is to be found anywhere, where our eyes or footsteps turn?

Fifth Month 7th.—I long to be among the number who love the Lord their God with all their heart, with all their soul, and with all their might, and their neighbor as themselves; and to feel that I really come up to this Divine requisition. Lord, have mercy upon me, and hasten the day when everything like the mountains and hills of opposition in my heart to the coming and setting up of the Redeemer’s kingdom therein, may be laid low, and cast as it were, into the sea. I am a wonder to myself, so poor, so blind, so naked, so destitute of that which my soul desires, and yet having more than I deserve—having a little grain of living faith—a little living hope, which keeps me from sinking into hopeless despondency.

10th.—Oh Lord! be graciously pleased to keep me from falling a prey to the destroyer. You know he is daily and hourly seeking to take me captive at his will. I will trust in you, O my God! hear my prayer and deliver me from sin and from Satan.

11th.—O Lord! keep me faithful to known duty, and patient when you are pleased to hide your face, as at the present time—yet you give me ability to plead with you for the continuation of your mercy, which I acknowledge as a great favor. Amen and amen.

19th.—Heavenly Father! be pleased to show me the way I should take in this critical time; yes, this time of great conflict between flesh and Spirit, between hope and fear. Be pleased to give me ability to say in sincerity of heart, Your will, O God, be done in earth as it is in heaven, so I may be preserved from falling into the snares of the enemy on the right hand or left.

20th.—Attended the funeral of M. K., a large and mixed assembly met on the occasion, and my God who hides his face from me at times, so that my faith seems nearly gone, was pleased to raise me up out of a low place, and caused me to proclaim the gospel of life and salvation to the people, both at the house and at the grave of the deceased. My mind has been under much exercise of latter time, partly owing to the length of time which I have been holding a Minute from the Monthly and Quarterly Meeting for religious service in the West and in my own State; and since my return from the West, but little active service has appeared to be required. Only now and then the appointment of a meeting among others opens before me. Had a meeting about two weeks ago in the town of Cadiz, twelve miles from Flushing. This meeting was large and quiet, and quite satisfactory. Out of great weakness I was made strong by the Lord, my God. For some days previous to the holding of this meeting, the exercises of my mind and my great weakness were altogether indescribable, insomuch that the language of my heart often was—“How shall I be able to bear the great weight and load of exercise resting upon me?”

Sixth Month 23rd.—Dearest Father! you see and know the great extremity I am in with regard to returning my Minute. O, be pleased to undertake for me, for you know the depth, length and breadth of the enemy’s baits. Oh, preserve me, I entreat you, from falling into his snares, which are laid to take me.

28th.—The Lord is a sun and a shield to those who put their trust in Him. He helped his servants of old, and forsakes them not, even from generation to generation. When I said, my flesh and my heart fails, your mercy, O God, held me up. When I said, my foot slips, help Oh Lord, or I go down quickly into the perdition of the ungodly, and cast away, as did Saul, my shield, as though it had not been anointed with oil; then you did hear my cry and interpose your arm of power. You did lift up the light of your countenance, and gave me to hope and trust in you. I will extol you, my God! O King, for you do for me great things, and that my soul knows right well.

Yesterday I had an appointed meeting at St. Clairsville, the county seat of Belmont County. It was held in the Presbyterian meetinghouse, and pretty well attended by the inhabitants of the town. Out of weakness I was made strong in body and mind to declare the gospel of life and salvation to the people. Oh, what a dread had been on my mind with reference to this place, in the appointment of this meeting; but the Lord opened my eyes among the people, and opened my mouth to declare the whole counsel to them. After sitting silently for some time, this Scripture passage presented to revive: “It is not in man that walks to direct his steps.” Then added, there is nothing in man as pertaining to his fallen nature, that can lead and guide him in the path of peace. Then what is it under the gospel dispensation that the Lord has given to be a guide and leader to the people. Is it not that which was promised by the Most High through the mouth of his Holy Prophet, quoting Jeremiah, chapter 31st, verses 31, 32, 33. This law written in the heart, the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus, which makes free from the law of sin and death, is given to be a guide and leader to the sons and daughters of men, under the gospel dispensation; even the Spirit of Truth which our Savior promised to his disciples, should lead into all Truth. I adverted to the testimony of Judge Hale relative to the leadings and teachings of the Holy Spirit, and recommended all present to take heed thereto; that it never led any to deny the Holy Scriptures, nor the propitiatory sacrifice of Christ Jesus on the cross. I had to enlarge somewhat on this subject, and then to address the infidels, or speak to and of that class who deny a place of punishment hereafter for those who die in their sins, as declared and described by our Savior, and recorded in the Holy Scriptures. I had to set forth the nature of the one true and saving baptism, the baptism of fire and the Holy Ghost; how it cleanses the heart and is the only essential baptism, and that which John the Baptist declared must increase, while his watery and typical baptism must decrease. It was a very relieving opportunity to me. The people were quiet and attentive, and the meeting ended to satisfaction. Oh, may I learn to trust more and more in Him who has all power in Heaven and in the earth.

Seventh Month 2nd.—Gave way improperly to reflect upon others in thought and word, which left me weak and wounded. I find my greatest enemies to be those of my own household. If these gain the ascendency, then weakness and every hurtful passion may take possession of the mind.

Oh Lord! preserve me from the baits of the destroyer, whom you know is more busily engaged to overcome my faith, and weaken my strength by the way, than almost at any former period of my life. Have mercy upon me, O God, I beseech you, or my faith and hope will utterly fail. Be pleased to undertake for me, that I be not wholly overcome with those things that should be kept under foot.

Eighth Month 1st.—What a stupid and benumbed condition we appear to be in relative to the soul’s best interest. Oh Lord! be pleased to awaken us in some way to a sense of our spiritual condition; enable us to cry mightily to you for help and strength to come up out of our graves of ease and unconcern.

Eleventh Month.—Had an appointed meeting for the colored people of our neighborhood. It was well attended, and afforded relief to my mind. After this meeting I returned the Minute to the Monthly Meeting, granted me about eighteen months ago for religious service in the west, and in our own State. I felt that it was the right time, and ease and peace of mind attended me, which is more precious than all the treasures of the world. Friends have been kind and tender towards me in and under my exercises, which I esteemed a favor.

First Month 14th, 1870. _______ is now on a bed of languishing, and probably near his end. My mind has been so exercised for him for some time past, that I cannot pursue my accustomed portion of daily labor. Oh Lord! if it seem good unto you, have mercy on this afflicted man, who when time and opportunity were afforded to make his calling and election sure, has so far neglected this momentous concern, as to be unprepared for the final summons. Oh, forsake him not, but be pleased to prolong his life until his sins shall have been washed away in the blood of the Lamb, if consistent with your will to show him mercy.

18th.—Visited the sick man above alluded to, and delivered the message given me for him. Oh, how nature shrinks from disturbing the false rest of those who are so weak in body as _______, and yet, unprepared for their latter end. I had to tell this suffering man that this language had for several days rested on my mind concerning him—“He that covers his sins shall not prosper; but whoever confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.” Oh, how fearful I was to visit him lest I should say, or leave unsaid, that which I ought not; but I trust I did not. After bowing in vocal supplication by his bedside, and then desiring him to pray the Lord to preserve him from a false hope, and a false rest, I bid him farewell.

24th.—How painful have been the exercises and conflicts attending my mind for some days past on account of the spiritual condition of some of my near relatives, and on account of the sins and iniquities abounding in the land. Surely, my concern for the dear children in our neighborhood, and in the family where I reside, could not exceed my present exercises and feelings of prayerful solicitude on behalf of the young people in general. Lord, have mercy upon them! is the daily breathing of my spirit, while I am often bowed down as in the dust on account of the things that are transpiring—things which the Truth does not own. I will go softly all my days in the bitterness of my soul.

28th. ________ lingers, contrary to the expectation of his physicians and friends. What a mercy! Will the vital spark continue until he bows in reverent humility before the Great I Am; or will he refuse to let go of that which hinders his acceptance with the Beloved of souls, until the strivings of the Holy Spirit be withdrawn. Oh Lord! your power is above all and over all, break in pieces the will of the creature and give strength and ability to say in the depths of humility, your kingdom come, your will be done in earth as it is in heaven. Amen, and amen.

Second Month 1st.—My sorrows are stirred within me. I have but little respite from affliction of mind on account of the sad state of things in Church and State. By revolting from the commands and precepts of Christ, and taking our own course, what a sorrowful state of things is presented to our view among those professing the name of Friends, and in the nation; murder, drunkenness and lying, and almost every other immorality seems to be on the increase; and my own weakness and apparently benumbed condition, adds to my affliction; yet amidst all, my Heavenly Father gives me some ability to cry unto Him for preservation. Will not a better and brighter day come?—not perhaps before more judgments are poured out upon us.

18th.—Yesterday was our Quarterly Meeting, held at Flushing. Silent in the forepart, except a few words from a youngish Friend. I am greatly satisfied with silent meetings. When the presence of the Lord is felt to gather the mind into stillness, what can be more strengthening?

Third Month 7th.—In company with two other Friends, I paid a visit to the jail of Belmont County, and had an opportunity, by permission of the sheriff, with three individuals who had been convicted of murder. The first, whose name is Carr, is sentenced to be hung on the 25th of this month. He appeared in some degree to feel sensible of the great crime he had committed, but it seemed to me that a species of insanity attended him. My feelings were such, on being with this poor wretched criminal, as cannot well be described. He has certainly been a very wicked young man; he still looks young, and carries the marks of alienation from the path of peace in his countenance. He expressed a hope of forgiveness through the mercy of the Savior. Under the feelings that pervaded my mind while in his room, I had vocally to supplicate the Father of mercies on his behalf, that He would be pleased to break in pieces the strong heart, and bring into a state of deep contrition, if mercy still remained in store for him. Carr made some sensible remarks; said he had made a full confession of his crimes, knowing that unless he did so he could not find forgiveness of his God. But whether his penitence is sincere or not, we must leave with Him who knows the hearts of all.

On my saying to him that had He attended to the teachings of the holy Spirit, which had often striven with him, showing him the evil and the good, and pleading with him to choose the good and forsake the evil, he would not have committed this great crime, he assented, and said he had felt this striving with him to which I had alluded, and that had he attended thereto he would not have been there, or words to this import.

We next visited Enoch Thomas, who had also been found guilty of murder in the first degree, but sentence of punishment has not yet been passed upon him. He appeared almost frantic with grief and anguish, but whether this grief was occasioned by a due sense of, and penitence for, the great crime he had committed, or whether through fear of the punishment that might be inflicted, the Searcher of hearts knows. The spirit of supplication was given me on behalf of the prisoner, which was vocally uttered. So also with the third, who had been sentenced to the penitentiary.

We next went to a room where five lads were confined; the youngest about fourteen years of age. He had shot a man intending to kill him, but missed his aim, yet severely wounding him. These boys, when we first entered the room, were very light and irreverent, but before we left, the one whose countenance was at first most defiant, appeared to change very much, and when I bid him farewell, he shook my hand for some time, giving evident tokens that his heart had been reached. I asked him pretty soon after entering the room, if he did not sometimes think of death, and what would become of him if the Lord should take him hence. He replied, that he did not think much about it. This he said in a very light manner. I told him he had known better days; he had been visited in mercy, and pleaded with by the good Spirit to forsake the evil of his ways, and had he yielded obedience thereto, he would not have been there. I exhorted him to repentance and amendment of life. He appeared to me to be the ringleader of the band in folly and irreverence, but his countenance fell, and so did his companions somewhat, and we parted with them, hoping that the exercise and concern on their account would not all be lost.

Before going into the prison, we had some conversation with the sheriff relative to capital punishment, letting him know that the Society of Friends did not believe such a mode of punishment compatible with the gospel dispensation. He said he would be glad if that law was done away, but while it was a law, somebody must execute it. We brought the matter close home to his feelings, and desired him seriously to consider the subject, and not to do that which was contrary to his conscience for any earthly consideration. I told him that the advice of Louis IX, King of France, to his daughter Isabella, Queen of Navarre, was on this wise—“In that which is contrary to the will of God, you give obedience to none.” I said it would be far better to resign the office than wound the conscience, etc. He was respectful, and heard us patiently.

8th.—Visited the Almshouse; had a religious opportunity with a considerable number of the inmates, including the Superintendent, Matron and daughter, to the relief of my mind, and the satisfaction of the visited as far as appeared. Before leaving, the attending physician came in, to whom the Lord gave me some counsel to impart, which he received respectfully, saying, when I bid him farewell, “I fully appreciate every word you have said.”

28th.—All alone; the family having gone to attend the sale of a farm belonging to the estate of my departed brother Jacob. This is, or appears to me to be, the beginning of the scattering of this family and the property. I have been trying for some time to be brought into a state of quietude, relative to things over which I have no control, and the earnest breathings of my spirit for the spiritual welfare of the dear children, have been many and fervent, amidst the turnings and overturnings of things around. How necessary to take heed to the injunction—“In your patience possess your souls;” but I have not on all occasions been watchful enough over my thoughts and words, when things have given me uneasiness, but have sometimes given way to express what had better have been left unsaid, which has been the means of wounding myself and injuring the good cause. I have not been careful enough on all occasions to mind this injunction: “Let your adorning be that of a meek and quiet spirit, etc.” I have remembered too, how the blessed Savior demeaned himself—“When He was reviled, He reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not.” How different from this have I sometimes acted; have given way to reflect on others when I should have kept quiet and calm. Oh, heavenly Father! take hold of shield and buckler and stand up for my help, for you alone can preserve me from falling; take not cognizance of my evil to punish me in wrath, but remember mercy also.

Fifth Month 28th.—A committee having been appointed by the Yearly Meeting to visit Springfield Quarterly Meeting and its branches, in order to judge of the propriety of laying down or continuing that Quarterly Meeting, I being one of that committee, attended that meeting on the 11th instant. There was a difference of sentiment in the committee on the subject; some being for attaching the members of that Quarter to Salem Quarter, and some for adding New Garden Monthly Meeting (a branch of Salem Quarter) to Springfield Quarter, and so keep up two Quarterly Meetings. The latter was my view of the subject, but some whose judgment I highly esteemed did not unite with it. Notwithstanding the difference of opinion, all appeared willing to weigh the matter, and wait until we could more fully unite as to what would be best to do. I felt rejoiced that none appeared disposed to push their sentiments upon those in opposition to them beyond the bounds of propriety and Christian condescension. Though there was decided opposition in judgment, yet no harsh words or bitter feelings were in the least manifest. May the great Judge rule and overrule in the matter, and cause the result to redound to the honor of Truth, let it be in what way it may, has been the fervent and chief desire of my heart.

Sixth Month 14th.—This is a day of great trial, wherein faith and patience seem to be very closely proven. All that I seem able to ask for is, that my faith may not wholly fail, and that I may not become a castaway. And for my beloved relatives and friends, that they as well as myself may be so dealt with as to deepen in religious experience.

Oh, the lukewarmness and indifference that prevails with regard to our soul’s best interest. It seems to me that judgments, the judgments of the Lord, will not slumber much longer. But if some who have been remarkably visited, warned and invited to come taste and see that the Lord is good, do not yield obedience, they will have to taste of that which will be very bitter and hard for flesh and spirit to endure. My soul is often plunged into deep mourning, while it seems most proper and profitable to wear the sackcloth inward; yet I could cry aloud with anguish and sorrow of heart, for our undone and sunken condition as a people in general; at least it appears thus to me. Lord! hasten the day when, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Ghost, we may as a religious Society and as individual members experience more of the incomes of your Divine presence in our religious meetings, as well as on other occasions.

27th.—What shall I say? The Lord has permitted distress to come upon me like a flood, on account of the evil doings of those for whom I have prayed often; yes, mourned and wept for them for years past. Is all over? Has mercy failed towards them because of their long and willful rebellion against the light, grace and Truth, with which they have been visited? Oh, my soul, wait upon God, that you be not swallowed up of overmuch sorrow. My hands hang down, and my knees smite together with weakness and distress. Lord help me, I beseech you, and cause your mercy, mingled with judgments, to awaken the transgressors, that so your name may yet be praised by them.

Seventh Month 8th.—I feel the necessity of letting my words be few and savory. Oh Lord! enable me to watch and pray, that I may not enter into temptation. I have been engaged for a few days past in transcribing an account prepared by my beloved cousin, Miriam Ellis, concerning her worthy mother, Abigail Branson, both the mother and daughter having been worthy ministers, belonging to Flushing Monthly and Particular Meetings. Oh, that others may be raised up in our little meeting worthy to fill their places.

23rd.—The account above referred to was read in our last Monthly Meeting. I trust it will prove of some advantage to young and old. Previous to our Monthly Meeting I was from home about a week, during which I attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting. My communication in the forepart of the meeting was on the subject of sleeping. I alluded to this practice as being a weakness which might be and would be overcome were we daily concerned for the welfare and salvation of our immortal souls, and when I called it a weakness I felt a stop, and the language ran through my mind—Is it not a wicked thing also to give up to go to sleep when we come to meeting to worship Almighty God? But I felt that some might think it too strong language to use in reference to this practice, to call it wickedness. I hesitated, but found I could not go on without thus expressing it—“What if I shall call it wickedness, as well as weakness,” or words to this import. I felt that some were hurt, but I trust that the oil and the wine were not.

Eighth Month 23rd.—What shall I write? The call this morning seemed to be to pen a few lines in this little book, but nothing presented to write. On opening it I found just one month had passed since I made any memorandum of my thoughts, words or actions in this way. Oh time, time, how precious; how exceedingly precious you feel to me; and yet I seem altogether unable to employ you, or appreciate you aright. I feel so benumbed, so stupefied in regard to the best things compared with that which my soul desires to feel, that I fear I am farther and farther from the kingdom. While writing this I am forcibly reminded of the expressions of a travelling minister to my dear mother, a few days before the death of the latter.

This female minister from England, being an entire stranger in our parts, after attending our Monthly Meeting visited my father’s family; and in the religious opportunity she had with us, thus addressed my beloved mother: “You are not far from the kingdom of heaven, though the thought of your heart is, that you are farther and farther from it.” My mother was then in usual health, but on the 30th of that month she died suddenly, greatly to our surprise and grief; but not a shadow of doubt remained that she was safely landed.

It is nearly thirty-six years since that beloved mother died, and still this frail tenement of clay, then apparently near the grave, still lingers here under infirmities. Lord, be graciously pleased to prepare me for a sudden exit, or otherwise, for my latter end by a more lingering illness, as it may seem good to you.

24th.—Visited several invalids in the village of Flushing, some of whom I had been to see before. One who appears to be near the grave, and yet awful to consider, seems in no way prepared for the change. His countenance bespoke in some degree the situation of his mind. A settled gloom appeared in his looks, and what if I say (for so it seemed to me), that his very looks indicated a settled determination to ward off and reject everything like religious impressions or religious counsel. Oh, how my heart has yearned for this individual, but his case, both as respects body and soul, seems to be almost if not quite, a hopeless one.

25th.—Today, our Monthly Meeting was held at Guernsey. We went and returned the same day. After the business of the meeting was through, I requested the shutters opened, which was done. I endeavored to relieve my mind in regard to Friends attending fairs, and felt that I must discourage the practice, fully believing there is more harm than good resulting from them. Several Friends united with what I had to say, and I felt relieved of a burden after discharging my duty as faithfully as I could. The Lord only knows the exercise of my spirit for my own safety and preservation and for that of others.

Tenth Month 13th.—The individual before mentioned was buried some weeks ago. He appeared to die as he had determined to live, without the fear of God before his face; cursing and swearing a short time before his death. Oh, awful situation. What language can set forth the dreadful condition hereafter awaiting such a one. On being told by a physician that he could not live, and exhorted him to set his accounts in order, he used profane language, calling the physician a fool, etc.

Oh, vain man, how just is the language of the prophet, when applied to the unregenerate and hardened condition of fallen man—“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” What tender visitations of mercy are extended towards us. How kindly and graciously we are dealt with. How we are followed from day to day, and from year to year, with this inviting language—“Return you backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings. Turn, turn, why will you die, etc. But if we will turn our backs and harden our hearts against such calls of mercy, our houses will be left desolate, for the Lord has declared that his spirit shall not always strive with man, because He also is flesh.” Though we are encompassed with weakness, having no power of ourselves to do any good thing, yet He who calls us to glory and to virtue has all power and wisdom, and such as close in with the light of Christ and follow it, these become strong in the Lord and in the power of his might, and enabled through this holy help to resist the temptations of the devil in all his various transformations; and are made more than conquerors over their spiritual foes through Him that loved them.

21st.—My spirit is very sad and sorrowful. Be pleased, O Lord, to interpose your arm of power for my deliverance from temptation. Our late Yearly Meeting afforded at times, comfortable and refreshing evidence that He who gathered us to be a people, had not forsaken us, blessed be his holy name. In the public meeting on Fourth-day, I felt it required of me to stand up and utter this language of the prophet Isaiah: “Since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither has the eye seen, O God, besides you, what He has prepared for him that waits for Him.”

After quoting this, I said, that the same inspired penman tells us in what way he waited for the Lord—“In the way of your judgments, O Lord, have we waited for you; the desire of our soul is to your name, and the remembrance of you.” We also must wait upon the Lord in the way of his judgments, knowing the temple of our hearts cleansed and purified by the spirit of judgment and the spirit of burning, if we would be partakers of that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory. The path to the kingdom of heaven is not a flowery path, it is by the way of the cross; it is through deep tribulations, through fiery baptisms, that we come to inherit the crown of life everlasting. Jesus Christ suffered not the ignominious and painful death of the cross to save us in our sins, but from our sins.

I had considerable to say in this meeting, but was not very lengthy, the subject and substance being briefly given in the above; after which I felt peaceful and easy. It is seldom I have felt it required of me to open my mouth in those large public meetings during the time of our annual gatherings, being rather baptized in spirit for the arising of the life-giving power and presence of Israel’s unslumbering Shepherd. Under this exercise, I have often been led, fervently, though silently to petition the Father of mercies to bring us into that situation, both ministers and others among us, in which we might experience what true and living silence is, being afraid to open our mouths (such as are called to the work of the ministry) without the fresh anointing of the holy One for the service. As this is the living and fervent engagement of ministers, they will not be restless in, or ashamed of silent meetings; but being willing to be in the eyes of the worldly-wise as fools for Christ’s sake, they will lift up the standard towards Zion, promoting the Redeemer’s kingdom among men, setting an example of true and living worship, that worship which is in the Spirit and in the Truth, for the Father seeks such to worship Him. I thought we were favored at times in our late annual assembly to feel something of that true and living silence that is not at our command, in and under which, my heart did praise the Lord, and beg that He would still everything rising up, that would tend to mar, or disturb this holy solemnity that He was pleased to spread over us. Oh how my heart yearns for an increase of that pure and vital religion which characterized Friends in the rise of the Society. In the last sitting of the Select Meeting a singular testimony was given me to deliver which I deferred a little too long, but was enabled to relieve my mind, and felt peaceful and easy afterwards.

Eleventh Month 5th.—My God! my God! be pleased to enable me to bear with Christian patience and forbearance towards others the trials under which I am now pressed down, on account of the conduct of those, for whose welfare my heart greatly yearns. Oh, you who have been merciful to my soul for years past—yes, through my whole life—continue, I beseech you, to be near in this time of great need, when the mountains press sore upon me, and be with and round about those who take not counsel of you, but follow their own understanding in regard to important matters, and forsake them not, but follow them in mercy that they may not become cast off. Dearest Father, you who only know the distress of my spirit and heart, bore me up in days that are past under similar trials, and have let me see that that which then weighed me down, and pressed me even out of measure, so that I almost despaired of life, came to be a burdensome stone to those who caused my distress, and when the dark valley of the shadow of death was to be passed through, the world and all that was therein could afford them no ray of comfort, and had it not been through your adorable mercy extended in that critical, awful hour, they had died without hope. O God! sanctify through your adorable wisdom and goodness our hearts; body, soul and spirit are yours, and into your hands they are committed.

First Month Ninth, 1871.—Another year has passed away and I still an inhabitant of this state of existence. What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits? I have been spending five weeks at Concord with my nephew and niece, Israel and Rebecca Steer, and their interesting family. While there I was often reminded of the Apostle’s advice—“Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” I strove to make this my aim and object in this visit, though it was not professedly a religious one; yet some opportunities for religious communication were afforded, in which the word of counsel, warning and encouragement were administered to those to whom it seemed my place to give it.

While in that neighborhood, I felt a concern to see an individual, who was almost an entire stranger to me; yet a strong desire for his everlasting welfare pressed upon me; and I was favored earnestly to petition the Father of mercies, to make a way for my relief, if anything was required of me towards this individual in the way of religious communication. I felt no liberty to mention my concern to any one. The time was drawing near when I expected to return home, and the concern to see this individual still pressed upon me; when to my surprise he came to my nephew’s and dined with us. On sitting down at the table, a weighty concern took hold of my mind that I might be faithful to manifested duty, accompanied with a passage of Scripture forcibly and livingly presented. I could eat but little, but before we arose from the table, I expressed what appeared given me to say, without any particular allusion to the stranger present, yet felt measurably relieved of the burden, and rejoiced that this opportunity was afforded; and could but marvel at the wisdom, and wonder-working power of the Almighty, who made a way for me when there appeared no way. Blessed be his holy name forever.

At one place where I visited while at Concord, near the time for leaving, a passage of Scripture forcibly and weightily presented to my mind, with an intimation to revive it in the presence of the family and friends with me. I hesitated, and reasoned, fearing it might look like implicating those present in a way and manner that did not fit them. But I found that if I left the house with a peaceful mind, I must be faithful to apprehended duty. I therefore expressed with fear and trembling what was before me, and felt peaceful and easy afterwards, without any anxiety to know why I was thus led; but was afterwards informed that the woman Friend who belonged to the house, and who was affected to tears by what was said, desired I would not feel uneasy because of my communication, that there was cause for it.

Third Month 9th.—Today attended the funeral of our beloved Friend, Joseph Hobson, who peacefully departed this life on the 7th. I several times visited him during his illness, and found him mostly engaged in earnest wrestling for the blessing of sanctification, and a preparation for the solemn close. Great were his conflicts of spirit while the enemy was assiduously endeavoring to cast him down below hope; but He who puts to flight the armies of the aliens, and who arises for the oppression of the poor, and the sighing of the needy, was pleased to calm every troubled emotion, speaking peace to the weary and heavy laden soul. Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men. This dear Friend had long been an elder in our meeting, faithfully sounding the alarm when the enemy made his approaches, by introducing unsound doctrines and practices in the Society; and great were his exercises and grief on account of false brethren on the right hand and on the left; but the Lord has taken him to everlasting rest, where the wicked cease from troubling, and the weary are at rest. My soul has been deeply instructed, and impressed, while sitting in the room, and by the bedside of this dear Friend in his last illness. It plainly appeared to me that his deep exercises, baptisms and temptations were permitted and dispensed, not only for his good and enlargement and purification; but more especially to drive us home, who were surrounding him—that is, to look at our own spiritual condition, and search narrowly for that which hinders our acceptance with the beloved of souls. O how these words came home to my heart when he said to me, “I fear I am not deep enough.” It seemed to me that this very fear that impressed his mind on his own account, was surely for others, more than for himself. My spirit was then poured forth in vocal supplication, that the Lord would deepen us in the root of life, and raise up standard-bearers in our poor backsliding Society; to take the places of those who had been and were being removed from among us. Several times during the illness of this dear Friend, I felt constrained to appear in vocal supplication and thanksgiving by his bedside; which seemed rather remarkable to me, as I have long been shut up as to any vocal service in our meetings for worship. May I never presume to strive for an opening, when the Lord has shut, or to shut, when He opens the spring of religious communication.

Fourth Month 3rd.—Had considerable conversation on religious subjects with a member of the Methodist Society, touching ministry, worship and prayer. He plead the propriety of ministers receiving some compensation for their labors in the Church; but, was opposed to great salaries, such as some demand and receive. I told him, the little or the much received in the way of pay for preaching, involved the same principle, and was contrary to the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, who said to his disciples—“Freely you have received, freely give;” and instanced the example of the Apostle Paul, who labored for his own support, and that of others.

I told him, it was the prerogative of the Head of the Church, and belonged not to man, to choose and qualify for the work of the ministry, and no one has a right to choose or refuse for himself. The gospel ministry is free, and is exercised in demonstration of the spirit and of power. The apostle said, “That the gospel which was preached of me, is not after man. For I neither received of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.” We had some plain and interesting conversation, which I trust did not tend to the dishonor of Truth.

20th.—Today, had a short communication in our Monthly Meeting, both before and after the shutters were closed. In the forepart of the meeting, after my cousin Asa Branson had spoken, I arose and said—“It is not for the dead that have died in the Lord that I mourn; it is not for the living that are preparing for a happy and glorious immortality that I grieve; but it is for those whose spiritual buildings are going up on a sandy foundation, which the storm beating vehemently against, must bring down. It is for these, and those who are in their false resting-places, that my spirit deeply laments before the Lord God of Hosts.”

After a short exhortation to all classes to examine their spiritual accounts, not forgetting or leaving myself out of the number, I closed, and felt in hopes that I had not hurt the good cause. Month after month my mouth has been closed in our Meetings for Worship, and deep have been the travail and exercise of my spirit on my own account, and that of my brethren and sisters in religious profession with myself. Oh, that I may be preserved by the power of God from taking my flight in this wintry season is, and has been, the feeble and earnest petition of my soul.

23rd.—Attended Guernsey Meeting, where my mouth was opened in a little testimony for the Truth. I was reminded, and to speak of it, that the apostles of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer for his blessed name’s sake, who died for us—who bore the scoffing, scourging, spitting upon, and nailing to the cross, for poor fallen, finite and rebellious man; and rose again to save us, not in our sins, but from our sins. Are we willing to suffer, and to walk in the way pointed out by this blessed Savior? Are we concerned, young and old, to follow Him in the way of his requirings? Obedience must be yielded thereto, if we would be owned and received of Him who is Lord of lords and King of kings.

I have trodden the slippery paths of youth; I have been surrounded with many temptations, incident to that period of life, possessed of a light, airy and proud heart naturally, I deeply feel for and sympathize with the young; but I can offer them no excuse for continuing in that state and condition in which, if called from works to rewards, they would be unprepared to hear the welcome language—“Enter into the joy of your Lord.”

Sixth Month 19th.—Attended the funeral of my beloved cousin, Joseph Wilson, who departed this life in great tranquillity and peace of mind, on the 17th inst., about half-past six o’clock a.m. His bodily sufferings were very great for a few days before his death, and for several hours before the close they were agonizing. But not a complaint escaped his lips, and his countenance was calm and serene. “Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord.”

This dear Friend had long filled the station of overseer and elder in our Monthly Meeting, and we feel that we have lost a father in the Church. His example and precept had long been such as to render him a bright and shining light to those acquainted with him; and the following language quoted at his grave-side by my cousin, Asa Branson, was no doubt entirely applicable to his situation, and doubtless was responded to in the heart of almost every one present who knew him: “Mark the perfect man and behold the upright, for the end of that man is peace.”

Seventh Month 17th.—The exercises of my spirit are very great on account of the lukewarmness and indifference which prevails among us as a people, and individually in my own neighborhood and meeting, as well as other places. Oh, what will be the consequence? Parents and children joined together in lowering the precious standard of Truth. The former indulging the latter in great departures from that simplicity in dress, etc., which the Truth leads into; and any remarks now made specially against our members, young Friends joining in with the fashions of the day, and recommending the plain dress, etc., appears to be treated by some plain parents, with feelings of resentment; and by the children of such parents, with utter contempt.

My soul has been and is bowed down under an inexpressible weight, while I behold the gradual departure from the testimonies which cost our forefathers all that was near and dear to them in this world; not counting their life dear unto themselves, that they might finish their course with joy. While under this weight of exercise, the consideration and query often comes up before me on this wise: How or what shall I do to be clear, and to promote the Redeemer’s kingdom among men, according to the will of my Heavenly Father? There appears but little opening to labor in the ministry, or in counsel and exhortation in families, or in meetings. Keep me, oh Lord, in my right sphere! prevent my lips from uttering unsavory and uncalled for expressions, in this day of great trial; plunge me in the river of judgment, take away all the leprous spots from me, continue your judgments, until a clean heart is created in me, and a right spirit renewed, then will I teach transgressors your law, and sinners shall be converted unto you.

Tenth Month 31st.—Oh Lord, my God! have mercy on me, for my heart is sore troubled, you only know how it is with me, and into your hands I desire to be able to commit the keeping of my soul, as unto a faithful Creator, who will do all things well. Oh, cast not off, I pray you, my prodigal brother; but turn your hand upon him, I humbly pray you, oh you almighty and holy One, and bring him back, if consistent with your holy will, into a state of true repentance. Oh, have mercy upon my poor wandering nephew, for whom my soul has been poured out by day and by night before you. Amen, and amen.

Chapter XI

- Death of Hannah Mitchell, and Hopeful Remarks

- Death of Ruth Conrow

- Death of William Bailey, and Remarks Thereon

- A Religious Visit to Pennsville and Short Creek Quarters, Extending to their Branches and Families

- A Religious Visit to Salem Quarter

- Its Branches and Some Families

- Death of Joseph Walker

- Death of Isaac Mitchell

- Death of Her Cousin, Joseph Branson, and Remarks Concerning Him

- Exercises Under a Sense of the Situation of Her Own Yearly Meeting

Second Month 29th, 1872.—On the 25th of last month, our beloved friend, Hannah Mitchell, departed this life, in the thirty-fourth year of her age.

She was possessed of talents rather above ordinary, and for several years previous to her death, appeared to be bending her neck to the yoke of Christ; and thus preparing for usefulness in the Church. Her elder brethren and sisters watched the progress of her religious concern, with feelings of hopeful expectation, that she might become, if not a mother in our Israel, a helper and companion of those who prefer the welfare of Jerusalem above their chief joy.

When lo! He that makes the clouds his chariot, and treads upon the high places of the earth, saw fit to cut the work short in righteousness, and disappoint all our hopes as relates to the further labors of this dear Friend in the Church militant. Great were her exercises during her illness, not only on her own account, but that of others also. Fervently supplicating the Father of mercies on behalf of every individual belonging to our little meeting, that there might be a deepening in the root of life among all classes, and that the anointed ministers might eye the Captain of salvation in all their movements. That they might be willing to go deep into the river of judgment, to be able to bring up stones of memorial from there, and that their ministry might be baptizing, etc. And also supplicated that other gospel ministers might be raised up among us, that the feet of the gospel messengers might be beautiful on the mountains of the Lord’s holiness. In her supplication in reference to the ministry, and on behalf of the ministers, she said—“The manna of yesterday will not suffice for today, it will stink; there must be a renewed supply.”

Oh Lord, my God! bless the exercises of this dear Friend to my soul. Deal with me in such a way as will deepen me in the root of life. Bless her exercises to others, raise up and qualify those who may be able to take the places of the standard-bearers whom you are removing from our midst, that there may be in this place according to the supplication of our dear departed Friend—“A little army of standard-bearers raised up, for the support of those precious principles and testimonies given us as a people to bear.” Amen, and amen.

Third Month 10th.—The exercises of my mind and the burden resting upon it are at times great. It seems to me, that judgments are hovering over us. Oh, that they may be mingled with mercy.

Last week, attended the funeral of W. S., a young man who died at our Boarding School. My mouth was opened in testimony at the house, and afterwards at the school meeting; a little evidence given that I am not forsaken of the Lord; praises belong unto Him for this evidence, for surely He would not require me thus to speak to others, if He had cast me off forever.

20th.—Last night, our friend Ruth Conrow, a member of our little meeting, died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Surely, the Lord is dealing with us in a remarkable manner, removing from our midst one after another in quick succession, giving us to see and feel that our life is indeed a vapor that must soon pass away. Oh, that He may search us, try us, and deal with us, that we may turn with the whole heart unto Him, has been and still is the desire of my heart for myself and others.

Sixth Month 15th.—This day, heard of the death of William Bailey, which took place yesterday on the car in which he was travelling. He was suddenly cut off in a few minutes after taking his seat. Several years ago, a deep and heartfelt concern came upon me to warn this man of the necessity of being prepared for a sudden exit. The first time it came before me, and I had an opportunity of delivering the message to him, I shrunk from the duty required, which occasioned much sorrow of heart on my part. But again the command was given, and I obeyed; going to his house, and delivering the message as faithfully as I could. I told him that people were often suddenly killed on the cars, but did not prophesy that he would be, only felt constrained to plead with him, to set his spiritual accounts in order.

Oh, how my heart was impressed, and exercised on his behalf; his wife took great offense at what I said, and afterwards manifested the most bitter feeling towards me. She too was suddenly removed from works to rewards, taking a dose of chloroform. She fell into a sleep from which she never awoke. Thus both of them, who were disconcerted at my plain and impressive warning to be ready for the solemn change, were suddenly cut off. Oh, may I be in earnest to have my spiritual accounts in readiness when the pale messenger is sent.

1873.—Having the unity and concurrence of my Monthly and Quarterly Meeting for religious service within the limits of Pennsville and Short Creek Quarters, I left home on the 16th of Eleventh Month, 1873, in company with my cousins Joseph Branson and Abigail Sears, assistant companions, and arrived at Pennsville in time to attend that Quarterly Meeting, held on the 20th of said month.

Through much bodily infirmity and mental exercise, I visited all the meetings composing that Quarter, and had forty-six family opportunities, and returned in three weeks. Having a hard cough and being otherwise indisposed, I remained pretty much shut up through the winter, except attending meetings at home as they came in course.

1874.—About the first of the Fourth Month, 1874, I received an injury of my spine which, added to my previous infirmities, confined me to the house and bed for several weeks, subjecting me to much bodily suffering. But as soon as I was able to ride out and attend meetings, I felt it right to engage in a family visit in the neighborhood, and in the town of Flushing. A concern to pay a religious visit to the inhabitants of the town generally, in a family capacity, had long rested with me. But now seeming to myself altogether inadequate to the task, both as relates to strength of body and mind, the impression was gently but forcibly brought home to my heart on this wise: “Now is the time, arise up and enter upon this visit; fear not, for I the Lord will be unto you strength in weakness, and a present helper in the needful time—mouth and wisdom, tongue and utterance.” And as I set out and moved along from day to day in the prosecution of this visit, I found the promises of the Lord wonderfully verified.

He did, indeed, often make a way for me among professors and profane, where for a time there appeared to be no way to cast off my burden. He stopped the mouths of gainsayers, and enabled me to deal honestly with all classes, and to my great surprise, when about leaving some families from whom we could least expect such a salutation; we were thus accosted: “We thank you for this visit.”

Many times, on sitting down in a family, I felt my weakness to be so great, both in mind and body, as scarcely to be able to keep my seat, or to maintain that patience and composure which such an occasion requires. But being enabled fervently to cry unto the Lord for help and strength to keep in my right place, and to be preserved from bringing a reproach upon the Truth, He has heard my cry and raised me up out of these low places, making me to forget all my weaknesses, and enabled me to plead with my fellow pilgrims to come taste and see that the Lord is good, and worthy to be served, honored and obeyed with an undivided heart; richly rewarding those who love and serve Him, even beyond all that they can ask or think. And that He is a just as well as a merciful God, and will not acquit the guilty, but requires all to bow their necks to the yoke of Christ, which if they refuse to do, their portion must and will be according to his own holy and righteous decision with those, “where their worm dies not, and the fire is not quenched.”

Having finished what was before me in the limits of our own Preparative Meeting, I went to Guernsey, a branch of Flushing Monthly Meeting, and visited a number of families in that neighborhood and about Freeport, chiefly among those not members with Friends, and appointed several meetings among other societies. Oh! the depth of sorrow and tribulation that attended me in this engagement, none knows but the Lord alone. It was my desire to serve Him faithfully, and as He saw fit to blindfold me, and lead me along day by day in this way, it was a great exercise of faith and patience. Sometimes I was shut up for two or three weeks, not seeing anything clearly to do but to attend meetings as they came in course. This may have appeared to some like idling away my time, but there were those who were deeply interested for the prosperity of Truth, who were as Aarons and Hurs holding up my hands.

From Guernsey I went to Harrisville in the Eleventh Month, to attend our Quarterly Meeting, having a prospect that some service in the way of family visiting and appointing some meetings, would be required of me in the limits of Short Creek Monthly Meeting. I saw at first but little opening, yet felt it right to remain in the neighborhood and wait to see what the Head of the Church required.

The next day after Quarterly Meeting, I felt it right to request the liberty of visiting Dr. Comly and family, residing in the town of Harrisville. The request being granted by the Doctor, I made the visit on Seventh-day morning, and felt that I had cast off a burden which had long rested upon me. I was led and enabled to deal honestly with the doctor and his daughters, not turning to the right hand or the left, to make my communication more palatable, or less so than I believed the Lord would have it. O, that those dwelling or resting upon dangerous ground would take heed in time, before the day of mercy closes over their heads.

On First-day afternoon I had an appointed meeting at West Grove—a few miles from Harrisville—among the Gurneyites, having obtained liberty of some of the heads of the meeting to occupy their house. At half-past two we went to the meetinghouse, and pretty soon the people began to collect, and the house became pretty well filled, although the day was very rainy. On our way to this meeting, I told my companions, John and Edith Smith, that I did not expect much satisfaction, if any, in this meeting, except what might arise from keeping my own proper place if I might be favored and strengthened so to do. I thought the Gurneyites would avail themselves of the opportunity of relieving their minds in their own house, and I was not mistaken. We had to listen to six communications from their own members, and some of them quite lengthy; two in the form of prayer. I sat among them under the painful impression that true silence in and under which the heart is prepared to offer up living sacrifices to the Lord, was very much lost sight of, and consequently experienced but little. I could not feel it my place to sit altogether silently among them, though but little opportunity was afforded me to speak. The meeting held till nearly night. In viewing it over, I felt well satisfied that I was there, having done what I thought was my duty. After this meeting, I remained at the house of my kind and sympathetic friends, John and Edith Smith, not seeing any way to move with clearness for several days, except attending the Monthly Meeting of Short Creek. Soon after this my way appeared to open towards a few families in that neighborhood, which I attended to under much weakness of body and exercise of mind; and as I moved cautiously along, keeping my eye as well as I knew how, to the Head of the Church, I was favored from day to day to feel satisfied, and peaceful in the retrospect, and the field of labor widened, until I visited all the families of Friends at Harrisville, Smithfield and Concord, with two exceptions, these not being at home, and several others, not members; my dear friends, John and Edith Smith bearing me company.

After getting through in these places, my mind was turned towards Mt. Pleasant, where no members belonging to our Yearly Meeting reside. I had long felt a concern to visit some families and individuals in that town and its vicinity, and now the word of command was given me to go forth and fear not; but great were my feelings of weakness and incompetency for the work, but the Lord strengthened me in body and mind to bear up, until He closed the way for further service. When I had been one day out on this errand, the language sounded in my spiritual ear, “Make haste.” I therefore made haste, and after three day’s engagement, seeing nothing further with clearness but to attend Harrisville Meeting, I did so; and after that was taken very sick with pneumonia, which quickly prostrated my feeble frame, and rendered me unable to return home for more than twelve months. This trial of faith and patience none can fully comprehend but those who have had similar trials to pass through; but when in all human probability I was likely to have to remain months longer, the Master opened the way for me, and I got home in midwinter, and gradually improved in health, and in a few months got out to meeting again. Great and marvelous are the works of the Lord, and that my soul knows right well. During this illness at Harrisville, I was very kindly cared for at the house of our friends William and Mary T. Hall for seventeen weeks, and the house of my cousins, Josiah and Deborah Hall for thirty-one weeks, nothing they could do for me by day or by night, to make me comfortable, was lacking on their part; may my Heavenly Father reward them for it.

In the foregoing account, I have omitted to insert in their proper places, some exercises and incidents connected with this visit, which I think proper to record.

After finishing the family visit within the limits of Harrisville Preparative Meeting, being at the house of my kind friends, John and Edith Smith, on awaking early one morning, a bright prospect and hope of being speedily released from further service in that Monthly Meeting presented to my mind. As I had not been looking for such a release, I was taken by surprise, and very pleasant was the prospect. Then self began to claim a reward of merit, and thus to reason: “Well I have endeavored so far to be faithful to apprehended duty in this religious visit, and have become pretty well resigned to do, or to suffer, whatever the Master might require at my hands, and now He is about to reward me with a speedy release from this arduous labor and exercise of mind and body,” and my heart leaped for joy as the prospect still remained bright before me. Arising from my bed under these feelings, accompanied with the impression that I must wait until towards evening before I mentioned my prospect to John and Edith Smith, next morning being the time set in my mind to start home, if I continued to feel as I then did. But towards evening the bright hope and joyful prospect began to fade, and it soon vanished like the rainbow, and left no trace of its former brightness, but left me cast down and disappointed, if not in a murmuring state of mind; and I queried and reasoned thus, “What does this mean?” I was not seeking after or expecting such a release at this time, but it was presented with such brightness, that I thought it might be real, but behold it has vanished! Then I was given clearly to see that this was dispensed for my instruction, and for the further trial of my faith. I was led to consider how very joyful I felt under the prospect of being released from the work and service unto which I had been called by my Divine Lord and Master, and how sad I felt on being remanded back as it were to prison, to suffer with and for the suffering seed, which is pressed down in the hearts of many, as a cart loaded with sheaves, contrasting my feelings when this prospect opened before me and when it closed; I saw clearly that I was far from being able to say, as many of our worthy predecessors have said: “I am freely given up to serve the Lord.” I was instructed, and saw that I had need to die daily and go down again and again into baptism unto death, not only for the sake of others, but for my own safety and purification; and now, instead of returning home, I went to Smithfield, to visit the families of Friends of that meeting, and others as way opened, and I had very relieving opportunities in some places, particularly with Dr. William S. Bates and wife. The doctor was once an active and prominent member of Ohio Yearly Meeting; but after the separation in 1854, he left the society and joined the Presbyterians. My feelings of exercise and the weight which rested on me before going to his house, cannot well be described, but I found that I must not turn to the right hand or the left, but declare the whole counsel if peace was obtained, which I endeavored to do. The doctor was very respectful, expressing his thankfulness for the visit, and I felt thankful for the relief it afforded. Truly it is good to wait upon the Lord for strength and ability to perform his will: and none who thus wait will be disappointed.

After returning from Smithfield, I went to Concord, attended the Monthly Meeting held there, and then proceeded with the approbation of Friends to visit the families of that Preparative Meeting, and some others not members, to the relief and peace of my own mind. How needful when engaged in such visits, to attend closely to the openings and shuttings of the Holy Spirit, that the perplexities and troubles arising from omissions and commissions may be avoided.

From Concord I returned to Harrisville to attend Short Creek Monthly Meeting, in the Second Month, 1875, hoping to be ready to return home after Monthly Meeting. My mind was so much in that direction that I could not feel that resignation which would have enabled me to say, The will of the Lord be done; so I became exceedingly tossed in mind, feeling no settlement as to what would be best, and in this state I went to meeting. The waves and the billows seemed ready to swallow me up, and I cried unto the Lord for help, being as really in jeopardy in my spiritual condition as the disciples were outwardly on the sea of Tiberias. I felt that I would be willing to do anything for a quiet settlement of mind, and when I was brought to this feeling, the Master rebuked the winds and waves, and there was a great calm, so that it was marvelous in my eyes; then I quietly settled down to remain where I was, and next day attended the funeral of Elizabeth Sidwell, a Friend whom I had visited three weeks before, and who was then in usual health. On my way to this funeral, calmness as a canopy covered my mind. I desired to be no where else than where I was; such is the mercy and goodness of God towards his poor dependent children, the desire of whose hearts is, above all things, to do his holy will. After the company were gathered at the house of the deceased, I felt it right to revive this impressive language: “Let not your heart be hasty to utter anything before God; for God is in heaven, and you upon earth; therefore let your words be few;” adding a few remarks, expressing the desire I felt, that all might experience the fulfillment of this language of the Most High, through the mouth of his holy prophet: “I create the fruit of the lips; peace to him that is far off, and to him that is near,” etc.

After this, several communications were offered in the form of prayer, and several in the way of counsel. After a move was made to close the opportunity, my mind was not easy. The spirit of supplication rested upon me, and I felt it required to give vocal utterance to my feelings, and the Lord strengthened me in mind and body. My soul was poured out in fervent prayer, that the Lord would be pleased to turn his holy hand upon us, in judgments mingled with mercy, no matter how hard the strokes might be, so that we might be of the number, whom the Savior would own, before his Father and the holy angels, when done with time here below. I felt sweet peace and consolation, after this dedication to the will of the Lord. It has not been very often that the Lord required vocal supplication of me in public. O what a solemn thing thus to approach Him; may I live so under his holy fear and qualifying power as to offer no vain oblation.

I was one of the few women who ventured to the grave side, the weather being very cold; but could not feel satisfied without again opening my mouth in a warning voice towards some who were indulging in a false rest, concluding their spiritual condition to be better than it really was; exhorting them to awaken to the fearful reality of their situation. To let judgment run down as waters, in the temple of their hearts, that no disappointment might await them, in the solemn hour of reckoning. My communication was short, but afforded relief and peace, and I did not appear to suffer any bodily inconvenience by thus exposing my frail tabernacle.

Another incident occurred which rests with me to leave on record. It may do someone a little good (even if it never reaches the eyes of many) in the way of warning and encouragement to endeavor as much as possible to have their own wills slain under the most trying circumstances. On returning late in the evening from Mt. Pleasant to Harrisville, after having made several family visits in and around the town, it rested with me that something more in that line might be required in that place, yet these words ran through my mind so strongly and forcibly, that I felt almost alarmed at my own thoughts, which were these: “I would rather die, than go back to Mt. Pleasant.” I was afraid it proceeded from a lack of true resignation to the Lord’s will. Next day I attended Harrisville Meeting, and the way appeared entirely closed for any further service at Mt. Pleasant, though I had been looking towards appointing a meeting in the town. Soon after Harrisville Meeting, I was taken very ill, of which I have already spoken, during which it often looked, that the Lord was about to give me my choice “to die, rather than go back to Mt. Pleasant.” I have never since felt it required of me to make any more religious visits there.

Fifth Month 9th, 1877. Left home to attend Salem Quarterly Meeting, and the meetings composing it, and to appoint a few meetings among those not in membership with us, having the approbation and unity of my Monthly Meeting, and my cousins, Jacob Holloway and Rebecca S. Branson, as assistant companions. We reached Salem the same day we left home, going by railroad, as my health was not sufficient to stand the journey in a carriage. On the next day attended New Garden Meeting, where I had considerable service to the relief of my mind; finding in this meeting a spirit of self-importance, with which I had to deal plainly, and also to encourage the little ones. After meeting, dined with Anna Edgerton, widow of the late Joseph Edgerton. After dinner, felt my mind drawn to visit Dr. John Kite. He is one of the number who left Philadelphia Yearly Meeting some years ago, believing as he professed, that they had so far identified themselves with the doctrines of Joseph John Gurney, and the departures from ancient Quakerism, that he could no longer be associated with such a body in religious fellowship. The doctor has since seen that he was too fast in judging and acting, and has returned to Friends, giving an acknowledgment as I have learned since our visit to him. I dealt very plainly, and also very tenderly with him, recommending him to make a full surrender of the whole heart to the Lord, believing if he did, hard things would be made easy, and bitter things sweet. He appeared very glad of the visit, and parted with us in a friendly and affectionate disposition.

We next called on Elizabeth Leeds, one of the leaders in the separation referred to. She treated us respectfully, but our visit with her was not as satisfactory as with Dr. Kite. I thought she was in a restless and unhappy state of mind, yet desiring to be thought otherwise. I recommended silence before the Lord. Stayed that night with our kind friends, Joseph and Rachel Stratton, where I had the opportunity of once more meeting with and enjoying the company of my aged and well beloved friend, Sarah Lupton, Joseph Stratton’s mother, who is lively in the best sense of the word, having long been a worthy elder in the Society of Friends. Next morning, after a religious opportunity in Joseph’s family, we went to Salem in order to attend the Select Quarterly Meeting, held at two o’clock that afternoon. In this meeting my mouth was opened, and my heart enlarged in the love of the gospel towards the little company then gathered, expressing the desire and necessity, that we might all deepen in the root of life. That elders might dwell where they could understand what to encourage, and what to discourage in the line of the ministry, and be faithful to the openings of Truth upon their minds, so as to be helpful to the ministers. That the ministers might dwell so low and humble as to be willing to receive a word of counsel, or rebuke, coming from a baptized elder, esteeming it as a kindness, and as an excellent oil when and where the Master requires; and that all might be in a disposition to follow out the command of our Savior, “If I, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, you ought also to wash one another’s feet;” thus are we instructed to watch over one another for good, willing to receive, as well as to give, counsel. Much openness appeared in the minds of Friends to receive what I had to hand forth, and I felt satisfied and peaceful after this meeting.

12th.—Attended the Quarterly Meeting for business, and had considerable vocal service therein, encouraging Friends not to faint or give out in this dark and gloomy day, expressing my belief that the Lord will yet beautify his sanctuary, and make the place of his feet glorious among a people upholding the very doctrines and testimonies that the Society of Friends was raised up to promulgate and support; which they did in the midst of the most cruel persecution, standing firm and undaunted. Even should all who now profess the name of Friends, forsake and abandon those doctrines and testimonies, not one jot or tittle of which we can rightly dispense with, or lightly esteem. Much opened on my mind in this way to communicate in the forepart of the meeting, and after the business was ended, I requested the shutters opened, which was united with by men and women Friends. I felt it required of me to revive the testimony of Francis Howgill, contained in Sewel’s history part 2nd, pages 14 and 15; setting forth the answer of the Lord to this faithful and dedicated servant concerning this people, whom He raised up by the might of his power, written not only for the encouragement of faithful Friends in that day and age, but also for such in ages and generations to come; and also for a solemn warning to all such as turn their backs upon the precious truths as believed in, and practised by faithful Friends in the rise of the Society, and ever since.

“I will take their enemies; I will hurl them here and there, as stones are hurled in a sling; and the memorial of this nation, which is holy unto me, shall never be rooted out, but shall live through ages, as a cloud of witnesses in generations to come, and nations shall know they are my inheritance; and they shall know I am the living God, who will plead their cause with all that rises up in opposition against them.”

The greatest enemies now to the Society, are those professing the name of Friends, or Quakers, but who have discarded the Truth as held and practised by early Friends, and by every true-hearted Friend from that day to this; but the Lord will deal with these hypocritical professors, and they will “be as when a hungry man dreams, and behold he eats; but he awakes, and his soul is empty: or as when a thirsty man dreams and behold he drinks; but he awakes, and behold he is faint, and his soul has appetite;” and they shall be “tossed like a ball into a large country,” having no rest or foundation that will stand them instead in the hour of trial, and sore proving; and that in which they now glory will become their shame, for they profess to have found an easier way to the kingdom of heaven than by the way of the cross of Christ, choosing their own crosses, and marking out their own course, and saying, thus says the Lord, albeit, He has not spoken by them, neither has He any pleasure in the way they are taking. Oh, how my soul has mourned, and still does, on account of these things. But we who profess to be standing for the doctrines and testimonies which these have forsaken, will yet be tried as to a hair’s breadth, for great lukewarmness and indifference as to true and practical Christianity is manifest among us. That the judgments of the Lord will undoubtedly be poured out upon us unless there is a deepening in the root. All classes are called upon to humble themselves as in dust and ashes before the Lord, that our spiritual lives may be given us for a prey when He arises to shake terribly the earth.

First-day the 13th, attended Springfield Meeting, and had close dealings with the lukewarm and indifferent professors, some of whom are wide awake to see and speak of the faults of those whom they see running too fast, and who are drawing nigh to God with their mouth, while their hearts are far from Him, and yet are not sufficiently alive and awake to their own spiritual condition.

These were exhorted and admonished in the love of the gospel to get down below the surface of things, for the Lord will try every foundation, even as with the hail, rain and floods, and all the buildings which are not founded on the immovable rock Christ Jesus, must come to naught, no matter how fair and specious. The remnant whose eye, and cry are unto the Lord for help and strength, were encouraged to trust in Him, for He will never leave or forsake these. He is not a man that He should lie, nor the son of man that He should repent, but his promises are yes and amen forever.

After this meeting rode to Marlboro, about eighteen miles, and lodged at John Brantingham’s. Notice was given for a meeting next day at ten o’clock. At the time appointed, the few Friends belonging to that meeting met, and after a time of silence, I felt it right to encourage them to do their best to keep up their little meeting; reviving the language, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” The children were encouraged to faithfulness, and reminded that in the rise of the Society, when the parents were in prison, the children kept up the meetings in some places.

Dined with Margaret Brantingham, a Friend in the ninety-seventh year of her age, and had a meeting that evening in the town of Marlboro, to the relief of my mind in a good degree. The people were exhorted to get down deeper, and strive in the right way, to become true and living worshippers. Supplication unto the Father of Mercies was offered, that He might deepen us in the root of life. Next day returned to Salem, but not without some misgivings with respect to the right time for leaving. Oh, my soul, wait more faithfully upon the Lord, that you may carry no burdens that might be avoided by unreserved dedication.

16th.—Attended Salem Meeting, and afterwards rode to Middletown, fifteen miles, and lodged at Ann Blackburn’s. Next morning had a religious opportunity with this widow and her family, to the relief of my mind; and then rode to Carmel, where a meeting was appointed to be held next day at ten o’clock, their usual hour for holding their meetings; and I think the most suitable hour for morning meetings.

18th.—Attended the appointed meeting at Carmel, and was favored to relieve my mind among those assembled. Oh, the exercises and deep wadings that attend my mind as we pass along, both in meetings and out of meetings; but the Lord is my helper, or I should utterly faint and fail of strength, both in body and mind. Yesterday, on passing a house, my mind was impressed that I must call with the family living there, though I then knew not whose residence it was. We dined with this family today, and had a religious opportunity with them to the relief and peace of my mind, and I trust the labor will not be lost.

19th.—Attended Middleton Monthly Meeting, and labored therein according to ability received, which afforded peace of mind. Near the close of the meeting for business, I informed Friends, that I felt a concern to appoint a meeting for the young and youngish people belonging to Middleton and Carmel, to be held next day, at some suitable hour in the afternoon, at Middleton. It was appointed, and proved a relieving opportunity. It was quite well attended, and the Lord strengthened me beyond expectation to clear my mind among them.

21st.—Visited several families in the neighborhood of Middleton and Carmel, though it was a close trial of faith and patience; some things being hard to utter in some families, which I believed was required of me to say, but unreserved obedience is always rewarded with sweet peace in the Lord’s own time.

22nd.—Left Carmel and Middleton this morning for Salem, with an easy mind. But the watchword is, rejoice with trembling. Reached the house of our kind friends, William and Ruth Fisher, about noon, where we have made our home.

24th.—Attended Salem Monthly Meeting, in which I had close things to utter, for it appeared to me (though there was a small remnant of rightly exercised souls in that meeting towards whom sympathy was felt, and to whom encouragement was given), that there were wounds, bruises, and putrefying sores, that would have to be laid open and probed to the bottom before soundness and a healthy state could be experienced. “He that covers his sins shall not prosper: but whoever confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.” I referred to Achan, who hid in his tent the golden wedge, and Babylonish garment, which had to be searched out, and the transgressor punished, before Israel could get the victory over their enemies. These meetings are very exercising both to mind and body, but the Lord has been my helper. Oh, that I may serve Him with a perfect heart and a willing mind.

25th.—Attended New Garden Monthly Meeting, an exercising time. I arose with this passage—“Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble, is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint.” We know what effect a broken tooth sometimes has upon the whole body, unfit for use itself, and often preventing the sound members from rightly performing their office. So that the whole body may, and often does, suffer weakness and pain in consequence of a broken tooth. So in Society and meeting capacity, one unfaithful member, occupying a conspicuous station, may cripple and prevent a meeting from journeying forward in the right way, and bring weakness and trouble upon the whole, if allowed to remain in its position, and diseased condition. And none can be at a loss to understand how a foot out of joint also prevents the whole body from moving forward as in a healthy condition. How necessary that all endeavor to keep their proper ranks and places in the Church; that all may be edified together, and become one another’s helpers and joy in the Lord.

26th.—Attended Springfield Monthly Meeting. Much vocal and mental exercise fell to my lot in this meeting. The necessity of a more lively engagement on the part of all classes, to be found pursuing the right path appears to me greatly lacking among us in every department of society. Oh, when will we put on strength in the name of the Lord? Not until obedience keeps pace with knowledge—not until we make use of the help graciously offered, being faithful in the little, shall we be made rulers over more, and become strong in the Lord and in the power of his might.

27th.—Attended an appointed meeting at Sandy Spring, at ten o’clock a.m., and was favored to relieve my mind therein towards the few assembled; after which returned to Salem.

28th.—Attended Salem Meeting, which was large; David Heston and Joseph Walton from Philadelphia being present, on their way to Colorado to visit the miners in that district of country. David had considerable to say, and Joseph had a short testimony. My mind was deeply exercised in this meeting, and I could not feel satisfied to be altogether silent.

29th.—Visited some families in and around the town of Salem. Close and hard things to utter were required of me in some of these opportunities, but faithfulness was followed by the reward of peace. Oh, the exercise of my spirit none knows but the Lord; and He alone can strengthen for the work whereunto He calls, and none has a right to say what are you doing? or why have you made me thus? “Shall the axe boast itself against him that hews therewith? Or shall the saw magnify itself against him that shakes it?”

30th.—I was not well able to make any visits, so remained at the house of our friends, William and Ruth Fisher, until the next day. Then attended Salem Particular Meeting once more, and had close work and exercise therein, but encouragement was handed forth to the little wrestling remnant, and supplication offered to the Father of mercies on behalf of all classes, that we might deepen in the root of life. After this meeting, I felt ready to start home, and left Salem about noon the same day, arriving at Bridgeport that evening.

Lodged that night at the house of my cousin, Willam W. Holloway, who (though not a member among Friends) treated us kindly and courteously; his wife and children also, were very kind and respectful.

Next morning, I spoke a few words in the way of religious counsel in the family, which was well received by parents and children, and afforded peace to my mind. Then set out for home, but for lack of faithfulness on my way, being required to speak a few words of exhortation to some men at the Inn where we dined, I made work for repentance. When will I learn obedience by the things that I suffer?

Eleventh Month 7th, 1877.—My heart is greatly distressed on account of the situation of things among us in a Society capacity, and in our own little meeting. The world seems to be swallowing us up; many absent themselves from our week-day meetings, attending to their temporal business, indifferent respecting the welfare of the immortal part. Help, O Lord! for vain is the help of man.

9th.—Today, followed to the grave the remains of my beloved cousin, Joseph Walker, an elder and member of our little meeting at Flushing. At the house of the deceased, I felt constrained to revive this language: “Why do you stand here all the day idle;” following it with some exhortation, and felt peaceful and easy afterwards.

Oh, where are those who are preparing to fill up the broken ranks—to take the places of those who are being removed from works to rewards—who have been supporting the principles and testimonies of our religious Society? Alas! alas! I see not from where they are to come; but the Lord can raise them up; into his hands we must commit all as unto a faithful Creator, who will do all things well.

Twelfth Month 22nd.—Today, I enter the seventieth year of my age. It is marvelous, indeed, that my days have been thus lengthened out. May the few that I may yet have to spend in this state of mutability be wholly devoted to the Lord. O Lord, have mercy upon me, and preserve me from the snares of the enemy of my soul’s peace; wash me from all the filth and defilements of the flesh, whatever strokes it may take to accomplish this great and glorious work, that of complete sanctification. Oh, heavenly Father! in the riches of your mercy administer the baptisms needed, that I may not be surprised or disappointed in the end. Amen, and amen.

First Month 16th, 1878—Oh Lord! be pleased to look down with an eye of compassionate regard upon my nephew, and cast him not off in his sins and transgressions. Oh, visit him in judgments mingled with mercy, that he may not become a castaway. Amen, and amen.

Tenth Month 18th.—I attended all the sittings of our late Yearly Meeting, held at Stillwater, near Barnesville, in the new house erected for the purpose. The public meetings were largely attended, both on First and Fourth days. On First-day afternoon, many could not find seats in the house, which caused that meeting to be a little more disturbed than it would have been if all could have been comfortably seated. But the morning meeting, and the meeting on Fourth-day, were very quiet, the people behaving with much propriety; and I felt it right to appear on First-day morning, and on Fourth-day, in a short testimony.

Although I have generally been silent on such occasions, and esteemed it a favor, yet I labored under deep exercise for the arising of life in these meetings, and for keeping down strange fire; that ministers might not warm themselves with sparks of their own kindling, and thus apprehend themselves called upon to speak when the Lord had not commanded. Such preaching can never profit the people, however eloquent the discourse, or however befitting the occasion in the view of the natural man. William Penn says of the ministry—“Without the life, ever so little is too much; but with the life, much is not too much.”

Eleventh Month 14th.—Slept but little last night, and spent the time while awake, under much exercise and conflict of mind. It feels to me that we shall meet with great calamities yet before we are humbled, and rightly and duly concerned to give that glory and honor to God, which is his due from his creature man, and which it is our interest as well as duty to render unto Him.

Fourth Month 27th, 1879.—Yesterday, attended the funeral of our beloved friend, Isaac Mitchell. It was large and solemn. The company met at the meetinghouse, in accordance with a proposition made by this dear Friend in our Preparative Meeting, believing as he did, that by adopting this practice much confusion and exposure to heat and cold, etc., might be avoided, which often occurs at the house of the deceased for lack of room for all to be comfortably seated. Moreover, it prevents unnecessary conversation, which is often painful to the rightly exercised on such occasions.

I had to revive this Scripture passage as being applicable to the deceased—“Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright, for the end of that man is peace.” I also revived the language of the apostle—“By the grace of God I am, what I am.” As this light, grace and Truth is followed (which is the gift of God through Jesus Christ to fallen man), we shall be led out of darkness, and from under the yoke of sin and transgression. It is by following this purchased gift of grace, that we become crucified to the world and the world unto us. “I am crucified with Christ (says the apostle) nevertheless, I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” As we submit to the crucifying power of the cross of Christ, we shall know the putting off of the old man with his deeds, and the putting on of the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness, and experience our robes washed and made white in the blood of the Lamb, and be prepared to be owned of Christ before his Father and the holy angels, when done with time here below, and to ascribe glory, thanksgiving and high renown unto the Lord God and the Lamb forever and forever more.

29th.—Some very weighty considerations press upon my spirit in regard to future engagements in a religious visit, which has at times been before me for years past. Oh, that I may be kept from taking a wrong step, either backward or forward. Dare I trust that I shall be thus kept? Oh, heavenly Father, rather prepare me for the closing moment and take me hence, than allow me to bring reproach upon your name and Truth, now in my declining years, by stepping forward or backward in the way you would not have me go. Amen, and amen.

Seventh Month 8th.—What shall I say, tossed, tried and tempted on every hand; and yet a little hope remains, that my gracious Creator will not forsake me, unworthy as I am of the least of his favors. Oh, you who stretched forth your merciful hand to save Peter from the watery grave, have mercy, I pray you, upon me in this critical time; yes, in this very critical time.

27th.—I have great cause for thankfulness and encouragement. The Lord has condescended to settle my mind at present, with respect to a very important subject, which has been for months pressing heavily upon me; and although I do not feel released from the concern, yet the time for opening it to my friends did not appear in the light of Truth to be fully come. Though it had seemed to me for months past, that it might be very near, and a great conflict of mind was often my portion, that I might be rightly directed and strengthened to do the will of the Lord, and now I can truly say in the language of the Psalmist—The Lord has heard my prayer, He has put gladness in my heart; He has stilled the tempest. Surely, if the Lord had not helped me, I had been swallowed up amidst the waves of affliction and distress. Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name.

Fifth Month 27th, 1880.—I find that ten months have passed away since I made the last entry in this little book, and now what can I say? Worm Jacob! Had not the Lord been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. Great conflicts at times have been my portion, yet the Lord has kept me from sinking into the gulf of despair.

My well-beloved cousin, Joseph Branson, departed this life on the 16th of last month, aged forty-three years, three months and sixteen days. Oh, what an unexpected bereavement to his dear parents, to his relatives, and to the Church. Truly he was one who might be justly compared to the salt of the earth, and the light of the world, as Christ said of his disciples. Joseph’s example shone brightly in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, and no one could have just occasion to upbraid him, or find fault with his example or precept—“Mark the perfect man and behold the upright, for the end of that man is peace.”

First Month 6th, 1881.—I thought it might be allowable to record something further, relative to my dear departed cousin, in connection with my own experience. A few weeks before his departure, while I was sitting by his bedside, he referred to his exercises on behalf of others and of some religious opportunities in his room, in which he had to use great plainness of speech towards those present. I expressed my thankfulness that he was called upon, and qualified to do something for the cause of Truth, in the way of counsel, etc. That my own way was shut up in regard to the ministry, that I thought I had no place with the people in this way in our little meeting. Joseph quickly replied, “I do not think so: there is no one who has the least conception of your secret, silent exercises and conflicts of mind;” repeating it twice, “not the least conception; but it will not be always thus with you.”

After his death, the dispensation under which I had been passing, that of great conflict of mind and desertion, was changed, and at his funeral my heart was lifted up in praise and thanksgiving unto the Lord, for having released from the shackles of mortality his purified spirit, and translated it into that holy and glorious city which needs not the light of the sun or moon to shine in it, for the Lord God and the Lamb are the light thereof. For several days after this, praise and thanksgiving were the constant attendants of my mind; and I seemed permitted to rejoice with the spirit of my departed cousin, which words could not fully set forth. Truly, times and seasons are in the hands of the Lord, and such joyful emotions as I experienced on that memorable occasion was as the meat of forty days.

Seventh Month 25th.—Several weeks ago I fell and injured the elbow-joint of my right arm. Soon after, it commenced swelling and inflaming, and in a few days the whole arm, from the shoulder to the ends of my fingers, became so swollen, inflamed and discolored, as seriously to threaten my life. But He who is justly termed the Controller of events, saw fit to bless the endeavors for my relief, and I am now able to use my arm and hand considerably, which to me, is marvelous, considering the aspect it presented some weeks ago. Truly it may be asked, “Is anything too hard for the Almighty?” I have looked upon this dispensation, and considered it administered in mercy, to draw my mind into greater watchfulness and circumspection in regard to my thoughts, words and deeds, and to remind me that at such a time, as I think not the Son of man comes. Oh, that I may be ready to render up my accounts with joy, whether the summons be sudden or otherwise.

Twelfth Month 17th.—If I live till the 22nd of this month I shall have attained the age of seventy-three, and I feel like adopting the language of my dear father a few months before his death: “I am now nearly seventy-three years of age, and what have I done to promote the great cause of Truth and righteousness in the earth? Alas! but little, although from my youth I have loved the Truth—yes, as early as my twelfth year, the Lord was pleased to show me the beauty of holiness. At that age I was left almost without human help to aid or instruct me in the way of life and peace, yet He that sticks closer than a brother, has never forsaken me. Blessed be his name.”

I cannot say that I was left destitute of instrumental help and instruction in my childhood and youth, for I had godly parents, whose concern was to train me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I return to my father’s expression, namely: “But when I remember my shortcomings, I am afraid they will overbalance all. Oh, what a fearful thing when weighed in the balance and found lacking; I have nothing to depend upon but the Lord’s mercy; teach me, Oh Lord, to pray as you taught your disciples formerly.”

In the closing up of the record of my dear father, taken from his diary, after supplicating on his own behalf, and on the behalf of his children unitedly, he thus writes, “Oh, Lord, remember the afflicted daughter whom you have raised up, as it were, from the dead, to proclaim your gospel to the children of men. Now, in her bodily affliction, continue to support her mind under every proving dispensation, that she may sing your praise on the banks of deliverance.” O how precious to have been thus remembered before the Throne of Grace by that godly parent; and what cause for unspeakable gratitude to the Father of mercies, that during the lapse of thirty-five years which have passed away since that prayer on my behalf was recorded, in all my sins of omission and commission—in all the heights and depths through which I have been permitted to pass, the Lord has not forsaken me, as I humbly hope and trust, but still continues to extend mercy towards me; and I earnestly crave to be ready for the summons of death, and can again adopt the language of my departed parent, written about two months before his decease: “Oh, that my sun may set without a cloud! Lord, if there be any wicked way in me do it away, cleanse you from secret faults. O Lord, remember mercy in judgment. You can, if you will, make me clean.”

Same date.—Our last Yearly Meeting was a time of much exercise to my mind, and to many other Friends, old and young; a great flow of words in the line of the ministry was witnessed among us, though no strangers with minutes from other places were present. Oh that we could learn what this means: “Be still and know that I am God.”

I felt it required of me at the last sitting to visit men’s meeting, and having the full approbation of men and women Friends, I did, and endeavored to relieve my mind. I told Friends I feared we were losing ground in regard to our testimony on the subject of silent worship. That whenever we begin to conclude that we could not have a good meeting without the intervention of words (no matter how large the company, or who was present) we were getting upon anti-Christian and anti-Quaker ground—that I had been grieved and distressed, under the belief that we were becoming more and more superficial in our worship, etc., and much more to the same import, after which I felt much relieved.

Twelfth Month 22nd.—Today I enter the seventy-fourth year of my age. How solemn the consideration, that I stand, as it were, on the very threshold of eternity. Be pleased, Oh Lord, to enable me to watch and pray continually, that I may spend the few remaining days or hours allotted me here below, in the way that would be well pleasing in your sight.

Chapter XII

- Exercises of the Yearly Meeting’s Committee Relative to Impending Duty Towards Small Bodies of Friends Who Have Lately Withdrawn from Some of the Progressive Bodies, in a Testimony Against Their Unsoundness

- Considerations Also Included Touching Correspondence with the Smaller Body in New England

- A Religious Visit to the Meetings Constituting Ohio Yearly Meeting, Extending to Iowa And Kansas

- Death of Her Cousin, Elizabeth Smith

- Visited Her Aged Friend, Hannah Warrington, Of Moorestown, N. J.

- And Attended Some Meetings in that Vicinity

- Death of Her Brother-In-Law, Jesse Roberts, and Her Commendation of His Christian Virtues

- Attended the Orthodox Canada Yearly Meeting, and Visited Some of its Branches

- Death of Her Nephew, Benjamin Branson

- Death of Martha A. Wilson

- Death of Stephen Hobson

- A Religious Visit to the Orthodox Western Yearly Meeting

- A Tedious Illness

Fifth Month 31st, 1882.—The Committee appointed at our last Yearly Meeting to take into consideration the situation of the scattered remnants of Friends and what our present duty is, as a Yearly Meeting in relation to those remnants, and report the result of our deliberations to next Yearly Meeting, met at Stillwater, and entered into a pretty full and free interchange of sentiment on the subject; but were not able to unite upon any proposition to lay before the Yearly Meeting; and adjourned to meet on Sixth-day preceding our next Yearly Meeting at three o’clock p.m. During our deliberations, I ventured to express in this committee my belief, that our Yearly Meeting ought to place on its records a Minute, stating that we as a Yearly Meeting had grievously erred in not having, many years ago, recognized officially the Smaller Body (so called) of New England, as the legitimate Yearly Meeting. That I believed it was human policy, and a fearful cringing spirit, that prevented us from doing our duty towards these Friends. And now, after a lapse of thirty-six years, they having become very much reduced, and somewhat scattered, no doubt in a great measure, owing to the indifferent treatment they have received from their brethren of Ohio and Philadelphia Yearly Meetings, some want to send a committee to see if they are in a condition to be acknowledged as a Yearly Meeting. With respect to the few Friends who separated from Baltimore Yearly Meeting, in 1854, because they could not for conscience’ sake own the Binns’ Yearly Meeting of Ohio, Ohio Yearly Meeting turned its back on these Friends because Philadelphia Yearly Meeting had previously done so. And thus another grievous error was committed, and my judgment is and has been, that we ought to humble ourselves so as to place upon our records a Minute certifying our mistake in both these cases. But we have yet to be tried and proven for our conduct towards our faithful brethren and sisters, as Joseph’s brethren were tried and proven, until they bowed and humbled themselves in the sight of God and man. The Lord will not allow sin to go unrequited, and we will have to become humbled before we can prosper in the Truth, and receive that supply of spiritual bread, which is greatly lacking and needed among us.

Tenth Month 2nd.—Our Yearly Meeting closed last week. I attended all the sittings, having been previously very ill for several weeks. It seemed almost a miracle that I was enabled to do so. I had some service in vocal, as well as in silent exercise in the meetings for worship and discipline. In the public meeting on Fourth-day, the language of the Apostle Paul in reference to his own ministry, and that of his fellow apostles, was brought before me in a way that I thought called for public expression, to which I gave utterance: “We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake.” And again, in reference to the gospel which he preached, he said, “I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Hence the true spring and ground of gospel ministry is that of being called unto, and qualified therefor, by Christ Jesus, our Lord, knowing Him to put forth and go before, to be mouth and wisdom, tongue and utterance. All ministry without this Divine unction is nothing better than sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal, words without life, sound without substance, etc. I exhorted the people to turn inward to the teachings of the Holy Spirit in the temple of the heart; as this is obeyed and followed we shall experience our spirits refreshed and strengthened by the life-giving presence of Him who is the minister of the sanctuary and true tabernacle which God has pitched, and not man.

Twelfth Month 22nd.—Today, I enter the seventy-fifth year of my age. How solemn the consideration that my life has been thus lengthened out. Oh, that I may be prepared with oil in my vessel for the midnight cry: this is my chief and daily concern.

29th.—Hear my prayer, oh Lord, and incline your ear unto my cry. Save me from my enemies and let them not have dominion over me. I look for help from no other source but from you. Oh, pardon all my sins and pass by my transgressions, surely I am in great need and want, will you not be pleased to succor me, and help me; blot out my transgressions from your book of remembrance for Jesus Christ’s sake. Amen, and amen.

First Month 9th, 1883.—My soul is distressed, what shall I do? I can do nothing but ask for mercy and help from you, oh, you fountain and source of all true consolation.

Third Month 20th.—About the twenty-fourth year of my age, it pleased my heavenly Father to open my understanding, and give me a sight and sense of the fallen and degenerate condition of man by nature. I then clearly saw that when Adam ate of the forbidden fruit spiritual death came upon him, according to the word of the Lord: “In the day you eat thereof you shall surely die.” I saw that by this act of disobedience he lost the Divine image, that state of purity and holiness in which he was created, not in part only but wholly and entirely. That he had no spiritual light or life, no sight or sense of anything good, and consequently no power, capacity or inclination to do any good thing, and in this state of death and darkness he must have remained, shut out from the presence and favor of his Creator forever, had not infinite Goodness sought him out and extended a new visitation of light and life to his soul: thus opening the door for his escape from this state of death and darkness, and from all sin and transgression, and this door I saw to be Christ Jesus the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world in man.

Then understood I what this Scripture meaneth—“For, as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive;” and my heart was greatly humbled in and under the sight and sense then given me of the mercy of God through Christ Jesus towards his creature man, and I felt this mercy to be unspeakably great.

Fifth Month 18th.—Having obtained liberty from the Monthly and Quarterly Meetings to pay a religious visit to the meetings of Ohio Yearly Meeting, and to appoint some meetings among those not in membership with us, my prospect is to start for Iowa on the 22nd inst. If it were not for a grain of faith I should faint under the prospect, but trust the Lord will keep me in the hollow of his holy hand, and preserve me from stumbling. Amen.

Ninth Month 26th.—On the 8th of last month, I and the Friends accompanying me returned home from the west, where we spent eleven weeks visiting Friends in Iowa and Kansas, as Truth appeared to open the way; and when this pointed homeward with sufficient clearness we hesitated not to return, and did so in the enjoyment of health and peace of mind.

But what shall I now say of the mercy and goodness of God to us, in this weighty and very important engagement? It is wonderful to reflect upon, and to know the extension thereof manifested to a poor worm of the dust as I feel myself to be. When my physical and mental powers seemed ready to fail me, then, oh Lord my God, you did indeed give me to see and to feel that nothing is too hard for you to perform.

Tenth Month 30th.—Oh, that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night, not only for my own shortcomings and dwarfish state, but for that of my people also! Oh, the shakings and siftings that yet await us! Who will be able to stand?

During my late visit in the West, I had to tell Friends in some places that the shakings and siftings were not over. At Quakerville, Kansas, I was led in their Monthly Meeting to bring into view the situation of the remnant of Jews, who were left in the land when the great majority were carried into Babylon. There was a gathering to this little remnant, and they were encouraged to faithfulness that the blessing of the Lord might rest upon them. But their faith and allegiance was to be proven. Ishmael got among them and slew Gedaliah and others of their chief men. Then came the trial of their faith—they were in great consternation and fear on account of this unexpected event and purposed to return into Egypt, and though they were warned by the prophet Jeremiah to remain where they were and assured that the blessing of the Lord would rest upon them, yet they would not hearken unto him, though they had entreated him to ask counsel of the Lord for them in this matter; and lo, the scattering, confusion, weakness and wickedness that followed, etc.

I said there was still a remnant among the Society of Friends, who have escaped Hicksism and Gurneyism, who, if faithful unto the Lord, would be blessed, and be able to lift up the standard of primitive christianity, as did our early Friends, and others would rally thereto; but there were those who might be compared to Gedaliah and his men, who were conspicuous among this remnant, and it seemed to me, there were those present of this class, who were in great danger of being slain by Ishmael, the son of the bond woman, which is not to be heir with the son of the free woman. When the first and fallen nature is given way to and gets the uppermost room in the heart and keeps it, then such as give way thereto lose their spiritual lives, and become stumbling-blocks instead of way-marks. But even when such events occur, there is still hope for those who keep the eye to the Lord, and as He preserved Noah, Daniel and Job amidst peculiar trials, so will He preserve all those who put their trust in Him, no matter what conflicts and trials may be permitted to come upon them. So I encouraged Friends to keep the eye single to the Head of the Church, that they might be able to stand when tried and proven as to a hair’s breadth.

At Emporia and other places I had to warn Friends to stand fast to the principles and testimonies of the Society, when the Gedaliahs were slain for the lack of watchfulness and keeping under the power of Truth. O treacherous self, if it be not slain, how it will work the downfall of its possessors before they are aware fully of the danger they are in. This visit to the West was marked with many close trials and deep provings, but I was often bound to acknowledge with the Psalmist—“Great and marvelous are your works, Lord God Almighty, just and true are all your ways, you King of saints.”

Twelfth Month 22nd.—Today, I enter the seventy-sixth year of my age. O Lord! you only know for what purpose I am thus permitted to continue in this state of probation; purify and search me, oh Lord, and if there be any wicked way in me, do it away.

My dear brother Samuel and wife are now on a visit to their relatives and Friends in this neighborhood. Great are, and have been, my desires for this dear brother, that the Lord would bring him to heartfelt sorrow and repentance before he is taken out of this world. Oh, heavenly Father, be graciously pleased for your mercy’s sake to humble and contrite his heart before you, that his sins may all go beforehand to judgment, and that he may be ready when you call him hence, to join the heavenly host, in ascribing glory, honor, thanksgiving and high renown unto you and the Son of your love forever. Amen.

Same date.—I have been reading the Memoir of Thomas Kite. How sweetly he passed out of this world. I remember this dear Friend when he attended Ohio Yearly Meeting in 1836. It was about the time of the apostasy of Elisha Bates, and many hearts among the young, as well as those more advanced in years, were greatly affected by this unexpected and mournful event. Thomas Kite, during the Yearly Meeting, visited women’s meeting, and had a powerful and weighty testimony, calculated to soothe and comfort our hearts, and to awaken us to a sight and sense of the indispensable necessity of keeping the eye to the Master, instead of the servant, in order for our establishment and settlement in the Truth.

He set forth in a very clear and impressive manner, the fallen, dead and degenerate state of man by nature, and that nothing but keeping to the light, grace and Truth in the heart, can preserve him one moment from sin and transgression, no matter how highly he may have been favored as a gospel minister, and that all his natural endowments and literary attainments must become subservient to the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, if he be a true minister of the gospel. This and much more of like import, showing upon whom the dependence of ministers and hearers must be, in order to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace, fell from the lips of Thomas Kite at that time, and made an impression on my youthful heart never to be erased; so that I have often felt the tribute of gratitude to arise to the Giver of every good and perfect gift, when I have thought of this man, though I never had the privilege of speaking to him.

Ninth Month 13th, 1884.—I returned a few weeks since from a visit to the meetings of Salem Quarterly Meeting, having previously visited the meetings within the limits of Stillwater and Pennsville Quarters. During my visit to these meetings I had many religious opportunities in families, and with individuals, and the Lord was graciously pleased to be with me, often to my admiration; showing me from day to day my stepping-stones, and strengthening me in mind and body to perform that which I believed to be required. Blessed be his name.

Many and deep were the baptisms through which I was permitted to pass for my own sake, and for that of others; but as I kept to that grain of living faith mercifully vouchsafed, I was enabled to pass along wearing the sackcloth inwardly, and not appearing unto men to fast. I sat three meetings in silence at Salem, except a few words in their Monthly Meeting to one of the answers to the Queries. But in the Quarterly Meeting I had considerable service. The public meeting was very large, and I believed it right to quote from the ninth chapter of Jeremiah, the 17th, 18th, 19th and 22nd verses. I said the last verse quoted was remarkably verified during the late civil war, and yet as a nation we are not humbled; we are proud, haughty and aspiring; professing Christians are not humbled. We are called to humble ourselves as in dust and ashes before the Lord, that our spiritual life may be given us for a prey. This and more on this wise, I had to proclaim among them before the shutters were closed.

On First-day after Quarterly Meeting, again attended Salem Meeting, and my mouth was opened among them. I had to refer to the apostle’s declaration to some who professed the Christian religion, but did not walk answerable to their profession, which called forth this striking language—“The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you.” In this day, when infidelity is increasing to such an alarming extent, those who are professing the Christian religion have special need to examine whether they are walking consistent with their profession or casting stumbling blocks in the way of others, giving occasion for the Truth as it is in Jesus to be evil spoken of. Practical Christianity appears to me to be at a very low ebb in many places, and I verily believe it might be said in this day, that the name of Christ is blasphemed through the ungodly life and disorderly walking of many highly professing Christians. Very deep and painful were my exercises at Salem, as well as at other places, in consideration of the state of things among us as a people, and the state of Christianity in general.

“Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches; but let him that glories, glory in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, which exercise lovingkindness, judgment and righteousness in the earth; for in these things I delight, says the Lord.”

Tenth Month 19th.—Attended the funeral of my beloved cousin, Elizabeth Smith, relict of the late Samuel Smith. She was in the ninety-second year of her age. Her religious sensibility outlived the loss of almost every natural faculty of the mind. She had been a practical Christian from her youth, and the Lord was pleased to manifest his lovingkindness and tender mercies towards her in the decline of life; when her children and her friends had become strangers to her, giving her strength of mind and body to praise his Holy Name in the midst of affliction and privations. She often repeated these lines—

Your name, oh God, be blessed,Your goodness be adored.My soul has been distressed,But you have peace restored.

Fifth Month 2nd, 1885.—Low in mind on various accounts, but more especially on account of the backslidden state of our religious Society, and the apathy of mind that appears to prevail with many relative to our situation. The winter just past has been one of much bodily suffering, weakness and debility; and strong cries and earnest petitions to our Father in heaven, have been raised in my heart, for faith and patience to endure what He saw fit to dispense; and I think I feel humbly thankful for the relief recently witnessed from severe pain. May my lamp be supplied with oil when the midnight cry is heard. This is my greatest desire for myself and for others.

Sixth Month 8th.—Last night, after retiring to bed, my mind became absorbed in thought and meditation, relative to my own spiritual condition and the state, as it appears to me, of our poor backslidden Society. Oh, how benumbed and destitute of spiritual life we seem to be. While mourning on account of this condition, a desire was begotten in my heart, yes, I might say, a fervent prayer, that the Lord Jesus might sit as a refiner with fire, and as a fuller with soap, in the temple of my heart, and purge out everything that adds to this benumbed and lifeless condition, that a ray of Divine light and life might again be experienced. It then came into my heart to read the fourth Psalm, which might throw some light upon my disconsolate condition; and had it been suitable, I would have arisen from my bed and perused it, having no idea what it contained. But on reading it this morning, my spirit was somewhat strengthened, and encouraged by a revival of hope, that I might see brighter and better days.

I can truly say, that the Lord has heard my prayers and delivered me out of many distresses and temptations in days and years that are past; and shall I distrust his mercy and his power now in old age? Oh no! let me never cast away my confidence in you, oh, my God, though unworthy of the very least of your mercies.

Seventh Month 2nd.—I feel it a great favor to be relieved from severe pain, with which I have been suffering for several days past. Oh, for a grateful heart for this and all other blessings. Previous to this attack of neuralgia, I spent some days at Guernsey, especially on account of my dear cousin, Maria Cope, who is suffering with a cancer, and no hope of relief only through death, or at least it appears so.

Eighth Month 22nd.—I have recently made a visit to my aged and well beloved friend, Hannah Warrington, of Moorestown, N. J. To me it was a very precious visit. Although I had repeatedly heard, that her intellectual faculties remained very bright, and her spiritual vision clear and unclouded, at the advanced age to which she had attained, being now in the ninety-third year of her age, yet I could not have fully understood the reality had I not visited her, so late in life.

Her memory of past and present events, and her capacity for embracing, and conversing upon subjects of deep interest both to old and young, and the ease and freedom with which she draws from the Treasury with which she is entrusted by our divine Lord and Lawgiver, things both new and old, to interest and instruct her fellow pilgrims, is indeed wonderful. Her voice is clear and pleasant, her articulation distinct, and the whole mind apparently as strong and vigorous as in meridian age, at least it appeared so to me and others who had the privilege of being with her in our late visit. She has long been a scholar in the school of Christ, and her storehouse of valuables, derived from that source is extensive, and her ability to impart instruction to others, great. “Blessed is the man that trusts in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is; for he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreads out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat comes, but her leaf shall be green: and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.”

While on this visit I attended three meetings at Moorestown. In their week-day meeting, the first I attended, I felt it required of me to revive this Scripture—“Oh earth, earth, earth, hear the word of the Lord.” I said that I had greatly desired to be preserved from arraigning any one for accusation, or condemnation, but felt that some present had need to consider the many warnings, calls, and invitations given them to become loosened from the things of the world, and to have their hearts and affections set on things above, not knowing the day nor the hour when the summons of death would come; some of these had felt the necessity of becoming extricated from the love of the world, but had not yielded obedience to what they knew to be required, and the call was still extended, “Oh, earth, earth, earth, hear the word of the Lord.” My communication was short, but yielded peace.

I also attended Moorestown Meeting on the First-day following. On Seventh-day evening, previous to this meeting, an elder called to see me, and in the presence of several others, said to me, that he hoped if I had anything for the young people I would be faithful and let them have it, that they were not as willing to take up the cross as would be desirable, and he sometimes feared their older Friends had not patience enough with them, etc. I was surprised, but held my peace: I thought, if he wanted to close up my way in that meeting among old and young, that he could not have taken more efficient measures to do so; but I do not suppose that was his intention, yet I concluded that he surely lacked that discretion which should characterize the movements of a wise and discreet elder, at least in the present case, I being a stranger to nearly every young person in that meeting, and they to me; it was surely premature for any one to tell me what, or propose what I should say to them.

When meeting-time came, I was weighed down with exercise, but was favored to keep my head above the waves. At ten o’clock the meeting assembled, and was quite a large gathering. Soon after the meeting settled into silence my mind became impressed with this language of the prophet Isaiah, which I afterwards quoted: “There shall be upon every high mountain, and upon every high hill, rivers and streams of waters in the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. Moreover, the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be as seven fold, as the light of seven days, in the day that the Lord binds up the breach of his people, and heals the stroke of their wound.” I said there were those who often desired to feel more of the incomes of Divine love and consolation flowing through their hearts, such as they believed the true Christian, the humble followers of Christ experienced, and in order to realize this, they must know the towers to fall, the first Adam slain, which is of the earth, earthy; all that opposes the coming and setting up of the Redeemer’s kingdom in the heart, brought down, and rooted out, and the mountain of the Lord’s house, established in the top of the mountains, and exalted above the hills; that of having everything removed which prevents the circulation of Divine life in the temple of the heart, is a great and glorious work; but indispensably requisite in order that we may realize the fulfillment of this beautiful, figurative language of the prophet.

On Third-day following, the Monthly Meeting of Chester, held at Moorestown, occurred, which I attended, and had some close work among them. I then felt my mind drawn out towards the young and youngish members present, encouraging them to unreserved dedication to the will of the Lord—to keep their eyes single to Him and they would be preserved from stumbling at the stumbling-blocks cast in their way—they had many counsellors, but few fathers and mothers—those who like Caleb and Joshua, wholly follow the Lord. There were those present in the station of counsellors who had never known the high places taken away.

Third Month 23rd, 1886.—On the 22nd of First Month last, my beloved brother, Isaiah Branson, departed this life, aged eighty-seven years, lacking one month and three days. His physicians say that he died without any organic disease; as ripe fruit drops from the tree in autumn. He was attacked with slight spasms occasioned by stagnation of the blood at the base of the brain. He retained his mental faculties admirably, and his children represent his end to have been very sweet and peaceful; and I humbly trust, that through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, he is among the ransomed and redeemed of the Lord.

On the 16th inst., I attended the funeral of my brother-in-law, Jesse Roberts, who died of pneumonia, after one week’s illness, in the eighty-seventh year of his age. He was sensible during his illness, and fully resigned to the will of the Lord; appearing to have no prospect, nor any wish to recover. He was a man of sound, discreet judgment, whose long life was one of practical Christianity, and this testimony concerning him was publicly borne at his funeral, to which many no doubt set their seals. “Blessed are the dead, that die in the Lord, yes, says the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors and their works do follow them.”

Fifth Month 31st.—I left home with the unity of the Monthly and Quarterly Meetings, to make a religious visit to the Meetings of Canada Yearly Meeting, held at Pickering, and was accompanied by my kind friends and relatives, Jacob Holloway and Abigail Sears. We visited most of the meetings, and attended the Yearly Meeting also. Although I had liberty to appoint meetings among those not in membership with Friends, yet after getting into that province I felt that my mission there was to be especially confined to Friends, and this language was again and again revived: “Do not enter into any of the cities of the Samaritans; but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel;” and when appointing meetings among Friends, I felt no liberty to extend the invitation to others. My business appeared to be to encourage Friends to build over against their own houses, and thus to raise a practical standard in support of primitive Christianity. All classes were invited to labor for the restoration of the waste places of our Zion, that the Lord might again beautify his sanctuary and make the place of his feet glorious among this people, as in the rise of the Society.

While out on this visit I kept no notes, not being able to write, having a hard cough, and being quite feeble most of the time. But I think it right to say, that the Shepherd of Israel was very near, and kept my head above the waves and billows, which often threatened to overwhelm. And I can say, as at other times, “Is anything too hard for the Lord God to perform? Trust in Him, Oh my soul, in heights and in depths, for his mercy endures forever.”

I was favored to return from this visit with a peaceful mind, having been absent from home just twenty-nine days. On reaching home I found my beloved nephew, Benjamin Branson, very low with pulmonary consumption, and I had the satisfaction of spending a few days with him before his death, and to witness his peaceful and quiet resignation to the will of the Lord; and to hear him express, that he felt no burden or condemnation resting upon him at that solemn hour, and my own feelings being very comfortable concerning his preparation for the final change, for this favor I was made truly thankful.

Eighth Month 22nd.—I have been at home several weeks, and no way has yet opened for the further accomplishment of the visit, for which I was liberated in the Fifth Month last, having had a severe turn of illness since my return from Canada. I am still feeble, yet if the way opened for going West, as my prospect included the meetings of the Western Yearly Meeting, I should not hesitate on account of my health. I desire to keep my eye single to the Head of the Church, that I may not miss the right time for moving forward in this important embassy.

Tenth Month 11th.—I attended our late Yearly Meeting under much bodily weakness. No way as yet opens for the prosecution of my Western visit; Oh, that I may be kept in the true faith and patience, not going before nor lagging behind my true Guide.

Eleventh Month 5th.—Since Yearly Meeting I have attended the funeral of two of my relatives, both in meridian age, and have cause to believe that they are both safely landed; why should we weep for such? I feel more like rejoicing than weeping. The conflicts of earth with them are over, and that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory, inherited. One of those removed was my beloved cousin, Martha A. Wilson; her life was that of a practical Christian, and her death a triumphant one. “Weep not for me, but weep for yourselves and your children,” was the language I felt it right to quote at her funeral, with some accompanying remarks. The other individual was one who had much to overcome, and had overcome much by attending to the witness for Truth in her heart, and though sin abounded, grace did much more abound, and she was made more than conqueror over the enemies of her own household through the mercy of God in Christ Jesus. May none despair of that help which is richly in store for us, while the day of mercy lasts, and will, if we lay hold of it, redeem us from all that stands in our way of acceptance with the Beloved of souls.

24th.—I was much exercised in meeting today. Some passages of Scripture and some considerations in regard to true and acceptable worship pressed weightily upon my mind, but my secret petition was, that I might be preserved from speaking a word unbidden, and as I kept my eye to the Master, I did not feel the command to hand forth anything to those present, though several were at meeting who were not members, and perhaps some who never attended a Friends’ Meeting before. But I felt thankful that I was favored to keep under my exercise without stepping forward unbidden in the ministry. Oh what a close watch it takes neither to go before, nor lag behind the True Guide.

First Month 22nd, 1887.—This has been a very mild and beautiful winter day, 62° above zero; I walked out on the ground; my health this winter thus far very poor; heart disease often threatening me with a sudden termination of my earthly pilgrimage; but my greatest desire is to be ready for the final summons.

Third Month 14th.—The winter just passed has been mild and open compared with the two preceding ones. My health throughout has been very poor, great bodily weakness and at times severe pain, has been my experience; this accompanied with a feeling of great poverty of spirit, has been a trial of faith and patience, but doubtless dispensed for my good. Never did my weakness and unworthiness stare me in the face more continually and impressively than for some months past, yet the ability has been afforded to intercede for mercy, which is certainly a great favor; yes, by day and by night has this petition been raised. Have mercy, Oh Lord, upon me, and prepare me for the final reckoning, that I may not be cast off on the left hand.

On the evening of the 12th inst., this language was impressively and sweetly brought to remembrance: “Trust in the Lord, wait patiently for Him, and he shall strengthen your heart; yes, I say, trust in the Lord.”

On the 13th attended our meeting, and had to encourage those present to keep an ear open to hear what the Spirit says unto the churches, that a true sense of their spiritual condition might be given them, and the things few or many standing in their way of acceptance with the Lord removed, that the candlestick might not be removed out of its place, or to this effect. This short testimony afforded peace, and I spent the afternoon quietly and comfortably in mind, yet quite weak in body.

Sixth Month 16th.—Since my last entry I have passed through much bodily suffering and weakness; but through all, the sustaining arm of the Lord has been underneath, and I have had at times to proclaim his goodness and mercy in the assemblies of the people, in religious meetings, and at funerals, etc. Oh, the unworthiness and incompetency I feel for such engagements, but obedience to his call and commandments has brought peace and quietness.

Seventh Month 20th.—Attended the funeral of Stephen Hobson, a friend and merchant residing in our town. He was the son of a worthy elder, to whom I was much attached. I visited him a few days before his death, and was led to supplicate at his bedside, that his affliction might be sanctified to him and to his family and friends, and that the vital spark might not become extinct before a preparation for the solemn change was experienced. I told him we had a merciful High Priest, and I believed if he kept his eye single he would be enabled to do all the Lord required of him. He twice expressed that he was glad I came, and soon after appeared near his end.

He had much to say by way of counsel and exhortation to his family, and afterwards thanked the Lord that he had been favored and strengthened to relieve his mind, expressing also that he was favored with an evidence of acceptance. The funeral was very large, and I had to call upon those present to be in earnest to make their calling and election sure, setting forth the necessity of yielding obedience to the Holy Spirit in the temple of our hearts, in order that we might be such as the Lord Jesus would own before his Father and the holy angels. Great bodily weakness attends me, but when the word of command is given to step forth in the service of my Divine Lord and Master, I dare not shrink or give back.

Tenth Month 6th.—At our last Monthly Meeting I returned the Minute granted me more than a year ago for religious service in the limits of Western Yearly Meeting, having visited nearly all the meetings composing it, and attended the Yearly Meeting held last month; and I may acknowledge the Lord was with me, and strengthened me in body and mind to perform the service required, in a good degree, to the relief of my mind, yet many bitter cups were dispensed in view of the degeneracy from primitive simplicity still apparent among us as a religious society. Oh the mixture there, and elsewhere, with the spirit of the world. I had to tell Friends that the shaking and sifting which has been going on for years in our religious Society was not over. An uncompromising spirit was called for by the Head of the Church on the part of Friends, in support of the principles and testimonies, given us to bear, and we would be sifted and tried until we become more and more the people we profess to be. A very plain testimony was given me to bear in the meeting of ministers and elders, in relation to the ministry and the necessity of knowing all our springs to be in the Lord. I told them that I had been pained with some long communications in testimony and supplication which I had witnessed since being among them. I quoted William Penn’s language: “I am concerned above all for public brethren.” And again in reference to the ministry, he says, “Ever so little without the life is too much; but much is not too much with the life.” I exhorted elders to get down deep where they could discern what was of and from the Lord, and what was not, that they might know what to encourage, and what to discourage.

Eleventh Month 30th.—I am confined at home by bodily indisposition, while the rest of the family are at meeting. It looks as if my time for attending meeting was nearly over. Oh that I may be prepared for the solemn summons, whenever and in whatever way it may come; this is my hourly concern. I have suffered much during the past week, and have felt fearful lest I should lose my rational faculties in consequence of this severe pain in my head, but I do earnestly crave that I may be favored to retain my senses, whatever I may have to suffer.

Twelfth Month 22nd.—This is my eightieth birthday; it is wonderful indeed that I have lived to this late period. Oh Lord! be pleased to prepare me for the midnight cry, no matter what it may cost me. Amen and amen.

Hail thou my eightieth birthday,The gift of God to me.Clothed in a shining raimentThy early morn I see.

But still thou looks more solemnThan birthdays of the past;Perhaps an indicationThat thou mayest be my last.

Thy noontide cold and stormyWill soon have passed away,But all is wisely orderedBy Him who rules the day.

Farewell my eightieth birthday,Thy race is nearly run,Whilst faith and hope and mercyAttend thy setting sun.

Farewell now and forever,We part to meet no more,Nor would I ask anotherThis side the Heavenly shore.

I would not ask another,But may thy will be doneIn me, and by and through me,Thou just and Holy One.

First Month 14th, 1888.—Oh Christendom! Christendom! what will you do when the anger of the Lord is poured out upon you in fury and in furious rebukes, because of your pride and the haughtiness of your heart?

Third Month 6th.—Bless the Lord, oh my soul, who has been with you in the depths of affliction.

21st.—I am now able to walk about the house, after being confined most of the winter; have been out at meeting once. Being raised up again from the depths of affliction is indeed the Lord’s doing, and marvelous in my eyes, and I think it is marvelous in the eyes of those who have waited on me during this affliction, both Friends and physicians. Oh, you Searcher of hearts, enable me to be faithful to all your requirings, neither going before nor lagging behind the true Guide.

Chapter XIII

- Paid a Religious Visit to the Yearly Meeting of the Smaller Body in New England, and Most of its Branches

- Attended Several Meetings in Philadelphia and Thereabouts, On Her Way Home

- A Plain and Searching Testimony at Arch Street Monthly Meeting

- Confinement by Indisposition

- A Religious Visit to the Meetings Constituting Salem Quarter

- Home Exercises, and Religious Service, When Physically Able, Within the Limits of Her Own Quarterly Meeting

- Permanently Declining Illness, and Spiritual Exercises of Her Last Days

Sixth Month 5th.—With Minutes of unity and approbation from the Monthly and Quarterly Meetings, I left home accompanied by my cousins, Jacob Holloway and Abigail Sears, for the Yearly Meeting of New England.

Our friends, Joseph S. Elkinton and wife, of Philadelphia, having previously given us a kind invitation to call with them on our way farther east, and to home with them during our visit in the city, we accepted the invitation and were very kindly treated; Joseph accompanying us during our visit within their limits, which we esteemed a special favor.

We arrived at Westerly, Rhode Island, where New England Yearly Meeting is held (Smaller Body), on the morning of the 7th inst., and were conducted to the house of Anna A. Foster, widow of the late Ethan Foster, where we were most kindly entertained during the time of the Yearly Meeting, and afterwards while we remained in their limits. Nine sittings of the Yearly Meeting, including the sittings of the Select Meeting and the Meeting for Sufferings, closed its session; all of which I attended.

That Yearly Meeting has appointed some women Friends members of the Meeting for Sufferings. We found a very small Yearly Meeting, yet were comforted in the belief that the Lord has a seed there, which is precious in his sight. My mission among them appeared to be, to encourage Friends to rally to that which gathered us to be a people, to the praise and glory of God. The leadings and teachings of the Holy Spirit, not only gathered us to be a people, but also preserved our early Friends faithful in their allegiance to the Lord of lords, and King of kings, amidst the most cruel persecutions inflicted upon them by their enemies. It matters not what our trials and temptations may be, inwardly or outwardly, if we keep to the leadings and teachings of the Holy Spirit, our spiritual lives will be given us for a prey, and we shall be made more than conquerors through Him that loved us, and gave himself for us, Christ Jesus the righteous.

It was by keeping to the law of the Lord, that Noah, Daniel and Job were preserved alive in the Truth, amidst the great trials, temptations and provings permitted to come upon them; and if these three men were here, “they should deliver but their own souls by their righteousness,” they could save neither son nor daughter.

It was by keeping the eye single to the Lord and waiting upon Him for the renewal of strength, that John Wilbur was enabled to endure a fight of affliction among fake brethren, which I believe has had no parallel in the religious Society of Friends, from its rise to the present day, and we doubt not that he is safely landed where the wicked cease from troubling, and the weary are at rest, having received the end of his faith, even the salvation of his soul, and maintained his allegiance firm unto the Lord of lords, and King of kings, unto the end of his days.

I exhorted Friends to keep up their meetings, though their number in most places is very small, remembering the promise of our Savior—“Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” If He is in our midst what can we ask more, and without Him what are all things else? Nothing, that will give us any comfort or consolation. The principles and testimonies of ancient Quakerism are, as we have heard declared, nothing more nor less than primitive Christianity revived, and we cannot let fall any of these precious principles and testimonies, without suffering great loss as individuals, and as a Society. We have as much need to faithfully support them in this day and age, as at any time since the rise of the Society. Christendom and the world at large calls loudly and impressively for this faithfulness on the part of Friends. “Watch, stand fast in the faith, acquit yourselves like men, be strong.” Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand, and having done all, to stand. “Stand therefore, having your loins girded about with Truth,” and your lamps burning.

Thus I encouraged Friends to stand faithful, believing there was a little remnant in those parts, who amidst all the trials through which they have passed, could adopt the language—“Doubtless you are our Father, though Abraham be ignorant of us, and Israel acknowledge us not: you, oh Lord, are our Father, our Redeemer.” Yet there were those in this small Yearly Meeting, who I believed were ashamed of the cross of Christ. These were exhorted to a full surrender of the heart to the Lord, and to bear in mind the words of our Savior—“Whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed when He shall come in his own glory, and in his Father’s, and of the holy angels.” We must become practical cross-bearing Christians if we are owned of Christ Jesus when done with this state of probation.

We attended the meetings of that Yearly Meeting, which are regularly kept up, and visited most of the families belonging to them. My mind was strongly attracted towards other places where the meetings are not regularly kept up, but the way did not open with sufficient clearness for me to visit Friends in those neighborhoods, hoping other messengers will be sent among them in the Lord’s way and time to the strengthening of their hands and hearts in every good word and work.

Having closed our visit in the limits of this Yearly Meeting, we left Westerly on the 19th and took the cars for Philadelphia, arriving there the same evening.

20th.—Attended Philadelphia Monthly Meeting for the Western District, held at Twelfth Street. There were two strangers present, ministers from Baltimore Yearly Meeting, who had considerable to say. The woman minister sat in the gallery, but made little if any appearance of a Friend in her dress. Though considerable time was occupied by these strangers, yet I found opportunity to relieve my mind in a plain and clear testimony, and the Truth rose into dominion over all opposition.

I arose with the language of Solomon—“A just weight and balance are the Lord’s; all the weights of the bag are his work.” I said, it is a solemn consideration, that if the Lord turn the balance in our favor, all the world cannot turn it against us; but if He turn it against us, the whole world cannot turn it in our favor. How important then that we be in earnest to have our spiritual accounts in readiness for the final summons, knowing judgment laid to the line and righteousness to the plumb-line in the temple of our hearts, being willing to be searched with the candle of the Lord, and to have all our deeds brought to the light, and judged by the light; as this becomes our living and heartfelt concern, the prayer of our hearts will be on this wise—“Search me, oh God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” It matters not how high and holy our profession is, if we are not practical Christians, we are not the disciples of Christ, not such as He will deign to own before his Father and the holy angels.

We must know the baptism of the fire and Holy Ghost to cleanse our hearts from all the dross, tin and reprobate silver, from all the filth and defilements of the flesh. This is the only essential baptism, that which purifies and cleanses the heart from all that the Lord’s controversy is with. This baptism we must experience if we become the meek and self-denying followers of Christ Jesus, our crucified, risen and glorified Redeemer. Who are those concerning whom our Savior made this impressive declaration: “Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in your name, and in your name have cast out devils, and in your name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me you that work iniquity.” Were not these high professors of religion boasting of what great things they had done in the name of Christ? Calling Him Lord, Lord, and yet He had never known them as his humble, self-denying followers, and therefore could not own them.

I came not among you to arraign any for condemnation, or accusation; you are all strangers to me, nevertheless I earnestly desire the salvation of all present. I believe there are those here who are dissatisfied with the course they are pursuing, and I would recommend such to turn inward to that light, grace and Truth, a measure and manifestation of which is given to every man to profit withal. That grace and Truth which gathered Friends to be a people to the glory of God; and enabled them to endure the scoffs and frowns of the world, and all the persecutions inflicted upon them, with Christian patience and fortitude, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer for the precious principles and testimonies that many now bearing the name of Friends are trampling under foot.

William Dewsbury, who was a prisoner more than twenty years, left this testimony on record, that he joyfully entered prisons as palaces, and esteemed the bolts and locks as jewels. As we have often heard said, so I believe, that ancient Quakerism is primitive Christianity revived, and as long as primitive Christianity has a practical advocate, ancient Quakerism will live and not die.

Those who follow this light, grace and Truth of which I have spoken, will not be disappointed; they will be given to see the right way, and enabled to pursue it. Our Savior said to his disciples—“If any man shall say unto you, Lo here is Christ, or there; believe it not. If they shall say unto you, Behold He is in the desert; go not forth: behold He is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning comes out of the east, and shines even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.” When we see a vivid flash of lightning from east to west we know what it is, and from where it comes, there is no guessing about it. They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint. I encouraged all to take Christ’s yoke upon them, and learn of Him who is meek and lowly in heart, and they shall find rest unto their souls.

Moreover, those who apostatized from the ancient principles and testimonies of Friends, will find no settlement nor foundation in the Truth, and the great and high profession they are making of faith in Christ, and their boast of doing wonderful things in his name, will be to their shame and confusion, when He shall profess unto them, I know you not.

Before men and women Friends separated to transact the business, an aged Friend came to me, and expressed in a feeling manner his unity and satisfaction with my services among them. The women’s Clerk called for our Minutes before proceeding to other business, and read them, and several expressed satisfaction with our company, desiring we might feel all freedom among them.

In the last meeting I quoted the language—Watchman, what of the night? Watchman, what of the night? And believing there were those present inquiring of the watchmen the way to Zion, these were directed and encouraged to return to Him from whom as a religious Society we had greatly revolted. So come into the obedience of faith, following the light of Truth in their hearts, and they would find rest to their souls.

21st.—Attended Arch Street Preparative Meeting, and had considerable service therein, to the relief of my mind. On arising the second time to speak in this meeting, I quoted the language—Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled; and was proceeding, when I noticed a woman on her feet near the door. Supposing she was speaking, I sat down, being so deaf I could not hear; but a Friend near me motioned to me to proceed, which I did, and finished what was on my mind to say.

After the meeting closed, a young Friend spoke to this stranger, and told her I was hard of hearing and did not know she was speaking. She replied, it was all right, and that she would like to have some conversation with me. At a suitable time she was invited to our lodgings. She told us she had been under great exercise of mind for a considerable time; that I had spoken to her condition at Twelfth Street Meeting, and she wished to have an opportunity with me. She belonged to the Methodist Society, but was dissatisfied with that profession. She had recently been reading George Fox’s Journal, and felt that her exercises of mind answered in some respects to his, and she had been encouraged and strengthened by perusing his Journal. She said the rebuke I gave her by arising and quoting the passage I did, while she was speaking, was what she needed. She had prayed that the Lord might rebuke her in whatever way He might choose, and bring her into a conformity with his will. She believed she needed to be brought into true silence and stillness before Him, etc.

I told her that was what she needed to learn, the lesson of true silence, and as she attended to the Light of Christ in her heart, with which she had been visited, she would be led along in a plain path, out of all entanglements, and finally made more than conqueror through Him that loved us. I commended her to God and the word of his grace, which is able to build us up and give us an inheritance among all them that are sanctified, and thus we parted.

After this meeting at Arch Street, cousin Jacob went to see his children, who lived about forty miles from the city; and cousin Abigail and myself, accompanied by our kind friend, Joseph S. Elkinton, went to Moorestown, New Jersey, and put up at our dear friend, Hannah Warrington’s. Feeling the need of some rest, and desiring to attend Moorestown Meeting, we tarried there until after First-day, the 24th. We had a very pleasant, and I hope profitable, stay with Hannah Warrington and nieces, and a sweet visit with dear Martha R. Comfort and sisters (Phebe and Lydia Roberts). Martha R. Comfort has since deceased, making a happy and peaceful close. She was a truly baptized elder, who had a clear vision, and whose taste could discern perverse things.

Our friend, Hannah Warrington, is in the ninety-sixth year of her age. She is frail in body, but able to get out to meetings quite frequently. Her sight and hearing are remarkably good for one of her age, and her intellectual faculties as much so. The strength and clearness of her mind and memory surprises those who converse with her. Having given up to serve the Lord in the days of her youth, and having continued faithful in her allegiance to Him throughout her life to the present time, she is richly endowed with that wisdom from above which renders her company and conversation very instructive and interesting to old and young. Hannah Warrington maintained a firm and uncompromising testimony against the heresy of Elias Hicks, and no less so against the unsound and anti-Quaker doctrines of Joseph John Gurney, while many others who profess to be standing firm for the ancient doctrines of Friends, by compromising somewhat with Gurneyism and Gurneyites, have become partially blind and shorn of their spiritual strength, but know it not.

24th.—Attended Moorestown Meeting; it was large, and I was favored therein, to relieve my mind in a plain testimony for the Truth.

25th.—I parted with my dear friends at Moorestown; to meet no more in mutability. May the Lord grant a preparation for a re-union in that holy and heavenly city, into which nothing that is unclean can enter.

26th.—Attended Philadelphia Monthly Meeting for the Northern District. I feel it right to express my belief, that the shaking, and sifting, the turning and overturning which has been going on in our Society for the last fifty or sixty years are not over: we shall yet be more and more closely proven and tried, especially those who are professing to stand firm for the ancient doctrines and testimonies of Friends; and my exhortation is that Friends may be able to endure what is yet to come by deepening in the root of life; “Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven; and this word, yet once more, signifies the removing of those things that are shaken, as of things that are made, that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.” We have need to be emptied and purged as from the gallery to the door; all classes among us, that we may be able to say indeed and in truth, “I am nothing, Christ is all.” Human wisdom, and human policy in the transaction of Church affairs must be rooted out from among us; we cannot climb so high or burrow so deep in the earth, but that the judgments of the Lord will overtake us; we cannot wrest ourselves out of his hands, and all who do not bow in mercy must bow in judgment. “That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

27th.—Attended Birmingham Monthly Meeting, held at West Chester, twenty-five miles from Philadelphia. Quite a number of the Yearly Meeting’s Committee were present, having met there to arrange for carrying out the object of their appointment, namely: to visit Subordinate Meetings, families, etc., and to appoint as they may see fit, public meetings among those not in membership with Friends.

On taking my seat in this meeting, I felt a hope to arise, that it might be right for me to sit through in silence, and for a time it seemed that it would be realized. But as I sat musing, the fire burned, and matter arose for communication, and under a sense of duty I felt constrained to give utterance thereto, and I arose and said: It is recorded in the New Testament that there were two sisters named Martha and Mary, and that Jesus loved them both; but Martha was cumbered about much serving, while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. Martha requested Jesus to bid Mary help her, and received from the Savior this rebuke, “Martha, Martha, you are careful and troubled about many things. But one thing is needful, and Mary has chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Martha had not this promise given her; we may suppose that Martha’s trouble and care about much serving was in regard to temporal matters; but there is such a thing as being careful and troubled about much serving in spiritual matters, instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus to hear and obey his voice. I have learned that the Enemy would just as leave I would get up and preach a sound sermon, inviting my fellow pilgrims to come taste and see that the Lord is good—that He is worthy to be honored and obeyed with the whole heart—that He is a rich rewarder of those who diligently seek and serve Him, etc., provided the seal of Divine approbation is not upon it; as if I were to preach an infidel sermon. For the enemy very well knows that nothing but that which comes from God can draw to God. He very well knows that the nearer the counterfeit resembles the reality, or the true coin; the more it is calculated to draw to his kingdom, and to scatter from the kingdom of Christ.

Friends, there is such a thing as individuals becoming entirely blind as to their spiritual condition; this was the case with the church of the Laodiceans. They thought they were rich, and increased with goods, and in need of nothing, and knew not that they were wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked; and that their condition was loathsome in the sight of God, and yet their state was not altogether a hopeless one. The language of the Spirit to this Church was, “I counsel you to buy of me, gold tried in the fire, that you may be rich; and white raiment that you may be clothed, and that the shame of your nakedness do not appear, and anoint your eyes with eye-salve, that you may see.”

I make no allegations against any present; but Friends! we have had many warnings, and do we not believe there are at this time, among those claiming the name of Friends, individuals, and even whole meetings, as blind to their spiritual condition as were the Laodiceans? But let us remember that we have the same fallen nature as these—the same unwearied enemy to contend with, and we have only to turn away from the leadings and teachings of the Holy Spirit, and follow the will and wisdom of man, to become as blind as they.

“Let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” The Lord is no respecter of persons; there is no safety for any of us, only by keeping the eye single unto Him, and following the leadings and teachings of his Holy Spirit. These He will preserve alive in the Truth. These are able to detect the transformations of Satan, and will not be deceived thereby, though they are many and various. I exhorted the young people to turn inward and keep the eye to the Master, that they might be able to discern what was of and from Him, and what was not.

28th.—Attended Philadelphia Monthly Meeting, held at Arch Street. On arising to speak in this meeting, I referred briefly to Ezekiel’s vision by the river Chebar, saying that this vision of the prophet concerning the wheels, represented to my mind, the state of man as he stands in the fall,—his lifeless and powerless condition spiritually, and also his state and condition when raised out of the fall. It must have been wonderful to the prophet, to behold wheels lifted up from the earth, having the spirit of the living creatures in them, going straight forward, turning not as they went, following the Spirit whithersoever it went, for where the Spirit went their spirit was to go; and it was cried in my hearing, “Oh wheel.” So man, quickened by the Holy Spirit, and following its leadings and teachings, is raised up out of his natural, lifeless and fallen condition, and enabled to pursue the path that leads to peace, happiness and everlasting glory, notwithstanding all the hindering and letting things, cast into his way by the world, the flesh and the devil.

Following the prophet in his vision, he says, So the Spirit lifted me up, and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the Lord was strong upon me. And he was commanded to go, and to speak unto the house of Israel all that the Lord commanded him to speak. At the same time the Lord said unto him: But they will not hearken unto you, for they will not hearken unto me.

The above is the substance of what I said when I first spoke in this meeting. I then took my seat, and after sitting awhile, I arose and said:

Now, Friends, I have a testimony to leave with you, and I must be faithful, whether you are able to receive it or not. There is, I believe, in this Yearly Meeting, a compromising spirit, with which the Lord has a controversy. This spirit has arranged itself conspicuously on the side of ancient Quakerism, both by word and writing, nevertheless, it practically ignores the Discipline, by refusing or declining to put that official difference between the sound and the unsound which the Discipline and the order of the gospel enjoin. It allows all to go in and to come out of Meetings for Discipline on the same platform; that is, without any official acknowledgment of the sound, or rejection of the unsound. This spirit has its origin in the wisdom and policy of man. It is also a fearful, cringing spirit, afraid to do right for fear of consequences. I believe the Lord will turn and overturn, sift and shake, until this spirit is rooted out, even if it should leave but a very few standing plumb for the Truth—comparable to the few berries, in the outmost fruitful branches of the uppermost bough, (Isaiah, xvii: 6.) There are some among you, who are dissatisfied with this state of things, but they are afraid to speak their minds, lest they should lose caste or credit with others.

After this meeting, I felt released from further service within the limits of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, except some plain talk with a few individuals, on the subject above referred to.

On the 29th, started for home, and arrived there safely on the 30th, thankful for the favors bestowed while out on this visit, and thankful for a safe return, without feeling any burden of omission or commission resting upon me.

In reference to my testimony in Arch Street Monthly Meeting as given, I think it right to say, that it has now been thirty-three years since the Gurneyites separated from Ohio Yearly Meeting, and set up a separate Yearly Meeting, known by the name of the Binns’ Yearly Meeting. This body is notorious for its anti-Quaker principles and practices, denying the Light of Christ in the heart of man, (see criticism on the Ohio Minutes, by Cyrus W. Harvey) they practice water baptism, singing in their meetings, etc. At the time of this separation in 1854, Benjamin Hoyle was Clerk of Ohio Yearly Meeting. At the next Yearly Meeting of Philadelphia, epistles were presented to it, from the two bodies claiming to be Ohio Yearly Meeting. The epistle signed by Benjamin Hoyle was read and recorded by Philadelphia Yearly Meeting as coming from the legitimate Yearly Meeting of Ohio. That signed by Jonathan Binns was considered as coming from a body of separatists; but notwithstanding the decision of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting relative to these two bodies, it has from that day to this allowed members of the Binns’ Yearly Meeting to attend its meetings for discipline, and ministers from that body have been frequent in their attendance of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, and others equally unsound from other Yearly Meetings who correspond with the Binns’ meeting, are allowed to preach and pray in the meetings of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, visit subordinate meetings and families, etc., without any official action taken according to discipline and true gospel order to prevent it. This is a lamentation, and shall be for a lamentation, until the breach is stopped, or mended.

Since my return from this visit, my health has been very poor most of the time, so that I have not been out to meeting very often, yet I attended our late Yearly Meeting, and was favored with strength to attend all the sittings. During the meeting I visited men’s meeting.

Twelfth Month 28th.—On the 22nd of this month I was eighty years old. Great and marvelous are your works, Lord God Almighty, just and true are all your ways, what shall I render unto you for all your benefits? for you have encompassed me about from my childhood with innumerable blessings.

Second Month 1st, 1889.—This morning is very bright, calm and beautiful, and the air invigorating, having been preceded by many days of cloudy, rainy and stormy weather, during which I have suffered great oppression with bronchial affection, but feel much better this morning. May I continue to trust the great “I Am,” through all storms and tempests, inwardly and outwardly.

17th.—Still confined to the house by indisposition. But my heart is greatly exercised for the welfare of our little meeting, and for society at large. Oh that we might deepen in the root of life, that our candlestick be not removed out of its place.

25th.—Still confined to the house and mostly to my bed, under weakness and suffering, all ordered in wisdom by the Father of mercies. Greatly exercised for the members of our little meeting.

Third Month 3rd.—It is seven weeks today since I was out of the house; during this time I have suffered much with neuralgia and bronchial affection, but I trust I have been preserved from murmuring. I have great cause for thankfulness, not only for intervals of comparative ease from pain and difficulty of breathing, but for those seasons when the great Physician interposes his omnipotent hand, and soothes this suffering tenement of clay, and gives me to see and feel that nothing is too hard for Him to perform. Blessed be his name. He can bring low and raise up, according to his own will and good pleasure, and none can stay his Almighty hand and power. “Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name.”

5th.—The outward creation is a theme for contemplation, wonder and admiration, concerning the power, wisdom and goodness of the great Creator; and in view of the Christian traveller, the work of the Lord in the heart of man is no less marvelous.

6th.—I feel deeply and renewedly sensible of the natural depravity of the human heart, and that every imagination of the thoughts of the heart of man is evil and that continually, in his unregenerate state; and that nothing can give him a sight and sense of this depravity, but the grace of God, which is his gift for man’s salvation, through Jesus Christ our Lord; and by following this light, grace and truth, he becomes regenerated and born again of the incorruptible seed and word of God that lives and abides forever.

Sixth Month 28th.—Today I returned home from a visit to the meetings of Salem Quarterly Meeting, having previously visited those of Stillwater, with a Minute obtained in the Fifth Month, liberating me for the service. I have, during these visits, appointed four meetings from among Friends, all to the relief and peace of my mind. But oh, the baptisms which it has cost me to appoint meetings among others, being so very frail and weak for such engagements but I must say that the Lord has been very gracious unto me, and verified his promise, namely: “I will be with you and strengthen you as you put your trust in me.” And verily I have found to my great admiration and satisfaction that He has not forsaken me in times of great trial, when the heavens were as brass, and the earth with her iron bars were round about me, and I seemed enclosed as with hewn stone. Truly He has been strength in weakness and a present help in the needful time. My soul does magnify and praise his great and adorable name.

Great plainness of speech have I been led to use among my own people, and to warn them of the judgments yet to come, if we repent not of our many sins and grievous backslidings.

Seventh Month 23rd.—I attended Short Creek Monthly Meeting, in which I felt it right to revive the language of the prophet Jeremiah, “Assemble yourselves, and let us go into the defenced cities. Set up the standard toward Zion; retire, stay not. The lion is come up from his thicket, and the destroyer of the Gentiles is on his way.” I had to express my belief that the Lord would yet try us as to a hair’s breadth. It matters not what we may profess, as to be standing for the ancient doctrines and testimonies of Friends, if we are not practical cross-bearing Christians, such as our early Friends were; all our profession will avail us nothing. I said there was among us a worldly compromising spirit, which if not rooted out, would root out ancient Quakerism from our midst, as surely as it had rooted out ancient Quakerism from the Gurneyites. I exhorted Friends to get down deep and earnestly seek in that ability which God gives to build upon the sure foundation which can abide the storm, quoting from Isaiah: “My people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, when it shall hail, coming down on the forest,” etc.

Tenth Month 14th.—I attended all the sittings of our late Yearly Meeting, which ended on the 4th inst. I had but little vocal service therein. There was a good deal of preaching on public meeting days, and during the business transactions. But this language was sounding in my ears: “Be silent O all flesh, before the Lord; for He is raised up out of his holy habitation.” Previous to our late Yearly Meeting I spent three weeks in the limits of Guernsey Preparative Meeting, a branch of Flushing Monthly Meeting. Some of this time I was suffering too much with neuralgia to attend to any religious service, but was enabled to visit a number of families mostly among the Gurneyites, which appeared to be well received, and afforded peace to my mind. I also appointed a meeting for worship in that neighborhood for those people. They generally attended and behaved with much propriety, and I thought it might be said Truth reigned over all opposition. I spoke of the spring of Gospel ministry, and of true and acceptable worship, in a very plain way, contrasting the true and the false, and showing the different results between the two, and how the Lord Jesus spoke of those who boasted of having prophesied in his name, and in his name cast out devils, and in his name done many wonderful works. I earnestly entreated those present to examine by the light of Christ in their hearts, how their spiritual accounts are standing in the sight of the Lord, who cannot be deceived, and be willing to bear the baptisms of the fire and Holy Ghost (the only essential baptism), which will cleanse the heart from all the filth and defilements of the flesh, and prepare it for the inscription of holiness unto the Lord. For without holiness no man shall see the Lord. It cost me much conflict of spirit to give up to appoint this meeting, but I felt a great burden off my shoulders after it was over. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Eleventh Month 2nd.—I have been for nearly two weeks past unable to get out to meetings, and suffering at times, with great difficulty of breathing. But I do not feel like murmuring. Blessed be the Lord, who I believe has not forsaken me.

Twelfth Month 22nd.—Today I enter the eighty-second year of my age; the day has been bright and beautiful, calm and mild as that of a southern clime. But I am very frail and weak, not able to get to meeting, or scarcely walk alone. But this has been the language of my heart: “Surely goodness and mercy have followed me all the days of my life,” and a humble hope pervades my heart, that when the summons of death comes, the Lord will not cast me off, but that through his mercy in Christ Jesus I may be permitted to land safely. Oh blessed hope.

Third Month 19th, 1890.—“Day unto day utters speech and night unto night shows knowledge.” A fall of snow last night, and this morning the earth is clothed in a beautiful white robe; every tree, and every limb and twig, is loaded with beautiful white crystal flakes. Oh you great and holy One, “what is man that you are mindful of him, or the son of man that you visit him.” Your wisdom, power and goodness is seen in all your works, and made manifest to the eye of faith. Shall I ever cease to trust in your mercy and goodness in the most proving and trying days and hours yet to be dispensed in this state of probation. When the heavens seem as brass, and the earth with her iron bars are round about me, apparently without possibility of change; give me, I entreat you, patience to endure, for I know you can change the dispensation at any moment you see fit. I have proven your lovingkindness, your power and your goodness, and should I now cast away my confidence, when the shackles of mortality are ready to drop off? You know my weakness physically and mentally; you know I have no power to do aught to your praise or glory, only as you strengthen me. Blessing, praise, glory, honor and high renown be ascribed unto you, now and forever. Amen.

Fourth Month 13th.—I was taken with La Grippe one week ago, and have been very ill. My cough at times threatening strangulation. But the Lord who sits upon the flood, who sits King forever, has been my helper and preserved my life thus far. Blessed be his name.

20th.—This has been a beautiful day; the sky clear, the air pure and salubrious, and the whole face of nature smiling with verdure and beauty. But my own unworthiness to partake and to enjoy the bounties of a bountiful Giver, and the condition of my people casts a gloom over all. Some might say what do I mean by this? I mean that the ingratitude apparent for the blessings conferred upon us, the worldly mindedness, the pride and vanity, in short, the lack of practical Christianity among the people in general, of every religious denomination, as well as the non-professor, seems to me to threaten us with heavy judgments, both in Church and State.

I attended our little meeting today, and felt that the prayer and confession of Nehemiah on behalf of himself and his people, might well engage our thoughts. Oh, the prostration of soul that is called for, that we may not be swallowed up.

Sixth Month 23rd.—Oh, Lord God, you know my poverty, temptations and tried condition. Be pleased, I entreat you, in your great mercy to continue your lovingkindness towards me, in rebukes, chastisements, or in any way you see fit for my purification. I have been holding a Minute for more than a year, for religious service within our own Yearly Meeting, among Friends and others, but for some months past my way has been closed up, and I have not been able in body or mind to prosecute the visit further, and yet not satisfied to return my Minute. Great at times have been the conflicts of my spirit. Oh, that I may be preserved from casting away my confidence in the Lord.

Yesterday, I was eighty-one years and six months old, and I can say, hitherto the Lord has helped me through many straits and difficulties, and shall I now give out in my old age? Oh, my soul rather chooses to bear anything you may be pleased to dispense, oh you Holy One, than give way to doubting and despair.

It is about three months since I opened my mouth in the ministry in our religious meetings, or elsewhere, until yesterday. Meeting with a man with whom I had some acquaintance some years ago, and knowing him to be in a dark and disconsolate condition; soon after shaking hands with him something arose on my mind to say to him, and before leaving the Friend’s house where I met him, I spoke to him what was on my mind. I told him that there was hope for us, so long as the door of mercy was not closed against us, no matter what our spiritual condition might be. That I believed the door of mercy was not closed against him; but the call was to arise, and shake himself, through the ability afforded, from all that the Lord’s controversy is with. To bear the judgments of the Lord, in the temple of the heart, that a preparation might be experienced for that holy and glorious city whose walls are salvation and whose gates are praise, and into which nothing that is unclean can enter. He is one who left our Yearly Meeting some years ago with Joshua Maule and others, and he has had a bitter cup to partake of since, his wife having deserted him and living with another man, and casting him off.

I felt peaceful and easy after this little service, and this consideration arose: If the Master had wholly forsaken me He would not have required and strengthened me for this little service. Oh, that I may quietly wait and patiently hope for the return of the Beloved of souls. I know that I need the fire and the hammer; I know that I need renewed baptisms of a fiery nature. Why then, oh my soul, why recoil at these dispensations? Rather kiss the rod and bless the hand that wields it.

Seventh Month 22nd.—Oh, Holy Father, you who have all power in heaven and in the earth, be pleased, I beseech you, to preserve me from the temptations of the adversary that surround my pathway at the present time on the right hand and on the left, that I may not now in the decline of life, after having experienced your arm of power, through all my life thus far to support, cast away my confidence in you. Oh, holy and blessed One, I do most ardently beseech you, through your everlasting mercy in Christ Jesus to undertake for me. You know my great weakness bodily and mentally, and that I desire to be able to say, in deed and in truth—Your kingdom come, your will be done, in earth as it is heaven. Oh, hear the prayer of one of the weakest and most unworthy of your creatures, that I may put on strength in your name, and that the creature may be abased as in dust and ashes before you. Amen, and amen.

Tenth Month 14th.—It is now seven weeks since I was suddenly prostrated with heart failure, and my life often despaired of since, as well as often before.

Oppressed and trembling, on the vergeOf death I often stand,Whilst naught prevents the threatening strokeBut thy almighty hand.

The great Almighty, holy One,How marvelous thy power,Grant faith until my race is run,To light the darkest hour.

In the dark watches of the night,Oppressed I cry to thee;And thou in mercy hears my prayer,Relieves and strengthens me.

I will talk of thy goodness,I will tell of thy might;I will praise thee by day,I will praise thee by night.

Thou bringest me low,Thou raisest me up;Embitters the draught,And sweetens the cup.

Through unspeakable mercyThou deigns to control,The dangers that threatenMy body and soul.

Every blade of grass,Every leaf on the tree,Unite in ascribingThanksgiving to thee.

Eleventh Month 23rd.—Attended meeting today for the first time within the last three months. During the interval I have been brought near to the grave. But He who has all power in heaven and in the earth, has raised me up again to proclaim his goodness and mercy, his long suffering and kindness to the children of men. Oh, that they might serve Him better and love Him above all. I quoted in our meeting today, this passage: “If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with horses? And if in the land of peace, wherein you trusted, they wearied you, then how will you do in the swelling of Jordan?”

I felt that there were some present, who were pursuing a path, going along with others, that did not bring peace of mind, and I exhorted them to stay their footsteps, while strength and opportunity were offered, lest temptations come upon them too strong to resist; and they be left to themselves and overpowered thereby. Continuing in a false rest when opportunity and a call is given to wake up and come out of that condition, what will such do, when the judgments of the Lord overtake them, and no more opportunity given to make their calling and election sure? The swellings of Jordan must overtake all; but the righteous have an anchor to the soul, both sure and steadfast. Oh, how ardent are my exercises for myself and fellow-pilgrims, that we may turn unto the Lord with the whole heart.

Twelfth Month 6th.—Yesterday was a day to be remembered; great oppression, and difficulty of breathing, caused by heart failure. But the Lord was pleased to keep the vapor of life from becoming extinct. Surely, I have many solemn warnings to be ready for a sudden call from works to rewards. Oh, that I may not be weighed in the balance and found lacking at that solemn period.

22nd.—Today, I enter the eighty-third year of my age. I wish to commemorate the goodness and mercy of God to my soul all my life long.

First Month 6th, 1891.—Dearest Father! grant patience to endure this great affliction you in your wisdom have permitted to come upon me, so that I may not bring dishonor or reproach upon the Truth, by thought, word or deed. Amen, and amen.

Second Month 9th.—Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. Praise Him all you people. In the depths of affliction I will praise you. Oh, keep me in the everlasting patience of your saints. You only know my weakness and suffering, and you only can give relief. Praises, high praises, be ascribed to your name; blessing, glory, hallelujah and high renown. Amen.

Third Month 28th.—Oh Lord, you only know, why you have permitted this sore and grievous affliction to come upon me, sanctify it, I pray you, to my soul, and to others in your wisdom. Give me patience, I entreat you, to bear what is necessary for my refinement; I go down into the deeps of oppression and physical distress, and my soul is troubled, then you have compassion on me, and mitigates my distress. Oh, Heavenly Father, be graciously pleased not to cast me off in this great extremity, or allow me to bring reproach upon your name, or the Truth I have espoused.

30th.—Thanks to you, O Lord, for the respite granted last night from severe suffering and distress. Be pleased, I beseech you, to enable me to endure more patiently what you are pleased, in your wisdom to dispense, and give me implicit confidence to trust in you, in heights and in depths.

The following is an extract from a letter to a niece, same date, 30th:

My love flows towards you unabated through the waves and billows of deep affliction. None but the Lord knows what this frail tabernacle is permitted to suffer in the way of difficulty of breathing and great oppression, and other things combined; but it is, I fully believe, in great wisdom dispensed, and I can at times bless and praise his holy name through all, and the language of my heart now is, “Oh! that men would bless the Lord for his goodness and for his wonderful works to the children of men.”

A little respite now and then from the oppression and distress is unexpectedly granted; last night it was so, and left me in quiet sleep and repose, which is indeed cause of deep gratitude of heart, showing that the dear Master can change the dispensations whenever He sees fit. Oh, that I may be fully prepared to say at all times, and under all circumstances, ‘Your will be done.’ It is marvelous to me, that I am able to write these lines to you today.

31st.—I cannot look over my letter this morning to correct any mistakes. Farewell, dear R., and all the rest! Your afflicted aunt, Ann Branson—yet trusting in the mercy of God through Christ Jesus.”

Fourth Month 6th.—Bless the Lord, Oh, my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness, who restores your soul, who leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake; and though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.

This last entry was penned five days before her death, which occurred at the residence of her sister-in-law, Juliann H. Branson, Flushing, Ohio, Fourth Month 11th, 1891, in the eighty-third year of her age. Her remains were interred in Friend’s burying-ground on the afternoon of the 13th, after a solemn meeting.

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*Most modern English speakers are unaware that the words “you” and “your” were originally plural pronouns used only to address two or more people, whereas “thee” and “thou” were used to address one person. In the 1600’s, it became fashionable (as a means of showing honor or flattery) to use the plural “you” or “your” in addressing people of higher social status, while “thee” and “thou” were reserved for servants, children, or people of lower social or economic position. Early Friends stuck to what was then considered “plain language” (using thee and thou to every single person, and you and your to two or more), rather than showing preferment by addressing certain individuals in the plural. ⏎

†This dissension continued in Indiana Yearly Meeting until a separation was brought about, which occurred in a few years after the above record. ⏎